I feel so alone and unloved right now... I feel unimportant, useless, and like a waste of space... I feel like this very often and have for over 15 years, so I should be used to it. But the pain doesn't get easier... I'm so weak.

I know I'm being pathetic for whining about it, so you can spare me any speech about that. I don't even know what I expect from anyone by saying these things. Guess I'm just being stupid...

I feel like that most of the time too...

I think if you were really weak the pain would be getting easier but that would mean you've given up and resigned yourself to it. But I don't know if that's true, just an idea that I feel might be true.

I know I have made pointless venting / probably-attention-seeking posts here when I'm feeling really down and a lot of other people here do too so don't feel bad about it. I definitely like to rant or sulk on here from time to time when I'm really feeling like **** (and the rest of the time I like to give advice of questionable value, hehe).

Although I know our pain is not exactly the same I know pretty much how you feel and others here do too. Please accept this painfully strong bear hug -

Hi nowheretohide, and lone soildier,

We ALL share the pain, babe. It's a struggle and a fight for survival on a daily basis. I hate, hate being controlled by other people (docs and such) that think they know more about my illness than I do.

Sometimes I want to fly away so badly-just feel the sweet freedom of not feeling everything TOO much, all the time. But my angel kitten boy would not be loved and protected and that is my responsibility.

I hate that it's stolen so many years and relationships from my life. I hate the anger and the rage that always seems to be simmering just below the surface. I hate it that my 'family' all turned their back on me. I hate it that I didn't get the education I deserved. And that until I went on meds, I could not muster the ambition and focus it takes to write a book.

I hate it that my husband isolated me and left me without any insurance.
And I feel so guilty that I'm glad he's not here to judge me on a daily basis and abuse me in every way when he was drunk. I feel such sorrow that I have no friends in my life. If I died tomorrow I don't think anyone would notice.

I hate it that my mouth is so dry all the time from the meds and that I have packed on the pounds because of certain meds.

OK, enough venting. But thank you lone soildier-it was theraputic. I might come back and do some more!

[pegasus]

Hello Lone Soldier, I feel like that too, we need to start a club I think! Hugs

Originally Posted by Lone Soldier

I feel so alone and unloved right now... I feel unimportant, useless, and like a waste of space...

Hey I am useless, not you (see my name).

Originally Posted by Lone Soldier

I know I'm being pathetic for whining about it,...

You are neither weak nor pathetic. You are in pain. Suffering. It is sad that so many of us live in such agony. I hope you see some good in yourself.... like the fact that even though you are suffering - you continue to fight on. Like a soldier. Like a soldier who has character, commitment, honor.

There is good in you. And there is a reason for our suffering - I just do not know what it is.... but I know that God has a plan.

Hang in there friend. Hang in there.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. We all vent at times and just need to know somebody out there hears us and cares.

I've been battling these feelings for 30 years and every once in a while I have gotten lucky and had spaces of relief from the pain. They never last long enough.

You are not worthless, everyone has worth. And never worry about whinning here. It's here for us to let our feelings out.

Originally Posted by Lone Soldier

I feel so alone and unloved right now... I feel unimportant, useless, and like a waste of space... I feel like this very often and have for over 15 years, so I should be used to it. But the pain doesn't get easier... I'm so weak.

I know I'm being pathetic for whining about it, so you can spare me any speech about that. I don't even know what I expect from anyone by saying these things. Guess I'm just being stupid...

You're not alone at all . I feel like this all the time, please don't feel bad about it. I realize this when I sit in my local pub, drinking alone at an empty table meant for four people, in an isolated dark corner, and then I realize how uninviting I must be when other drunk people don't even want to come over and sit with me, or even abuse my good nature to get a couple of free drinks out of me. That's particularly bad for me - I'm so unwanted that people don't even want to use and abuse me.

[dandylin]

It's all a horrible catch-22. You feel all this awful stuff and then you really can't share it without feeling like a stupid whiner. I understand and I think this is the one place where we can let these things out.

So many millions hurt far worse than me, though. What right do I have to feel this way?

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Lone Soldier

So many millions hurt far worse than me, though. What right do I have to feel this way?

I know it seems that way, but I've come to think that all our "hurts" are unique, and one is no better or worse than the other. Those other people may never even be able to handle depression if they had it, we'll never know. Don't underestimate your pain, emotional pain can be worse than even physical pain. And, remember, often physical pain is treatable in very obvious and clear-cut ways, whereas nobody has nailed down the exact ways to deal with mental pain yet, they only have certain therapies that seem to work. Just because your pain is not tangible, doesn't mean it's less destructive to your quality of life. And, how do you heal something you can't physically see?

[yumi]

You're not alone, nor will you get yelled at here. We know what you are going thru.

[PoorPrincess]

stoicism: definition of stoicism in Oxford dictionary (American English) (US)

I've never been able to master stoicism, though I've managed to restrain my outward emotional expression. I consider that is the balance that I've been able to come to.
It's what I can do.

Perhaps the school of thought of negative comparison, X is worse off than Y, which leaves us stuck with our emotions plus guilt, doesn't work for me. It's a cruelty to inflict upon us.

[waterknob1234]

I understand your pain. You are not bad, weak, or useless. I too come on this site and rant and vent. The beauty here is people here love, understand you, they care and don't judge. So don't be too hard on yourself. We love you. God bless.

I want to be emotionally dead. I don't want to feel anything good or bad, just absolute neutrality. But I can't. If I could take a laser to my brain and make myself a zombie, I would. I'd rather be a brainless nothing than be a nothing and be aware of it.

[Sophie0126]

Originally Posted by Lone Soldier

I feel so alone and unloved right now... I feel unimportant, useless, and like a waste of space... I feel like this very often and have for over 15 years, so I should be used to it. But the pain doesn't get easier... I'm so weak.

I know I'm being pathetic for whining about it, so you can spare me any speech about that. I don't even know what I expect from anyone by saying these things. Guess I'm just being stupid...

I'm sorry you feel this way. There are many of us here who feel exactly the same way. The pain is what it is. You need to find someone you can talk to and with. Someone to listen and to tell you that what you are feeling isn't right. Someone who will help you stop those inner voices that defeat you and bully you. It's not whining...it's the NEED to be heard.

I thought I could rely on my own family to be compassionate, empathetic and loving. I was so so so wrong. I've been tossed aside like a piece of garbage, told to "make things right in my head" told to "suck it up".

You are not alone.

Originally Posted by Lone Soldier

I want to be emotionally dead. I don't want to feel anything good or bad, just absolute neutrality. But I can't. If I could take a laser to my brain and make myself a zombie, I would. I'd rather be a brainless nothing than be a nothing and be aware of it.

Trust me, you don't want to feel that way, I've been there. About 8 months ago I wished exactly the same thing and it happened. It was terrible. It made me a monster who was so hurtful to other people - I couldn't believe my own actions. But at night, all the things I did would come back into my thoughts and then the tremendous guilt would begin. You see, guilt is not an emotion as such, you feel it but it's not something that works like an emotion really, it comes to you to haunt you. Deep down you know what you're doing is so bad even if you don't feel it on the surface. When you wish for emotionless states, it at first appears as if all emotions, good and bad have left you. Only the good stuff has, the bad stuff are there, very much so, you just cross over the line so that you see it from within the bad side and thus you think your neutral, but you're far from it. An emotionless person, is essentially a psychopath, with no conscience, so you can imagine the heinous things you can do when in such a state. It's definitely a no-no.

It might work when you're out there in public, but when you're alone at home and it's just you and the bedroom walls, man, then it hits you hard. I got to a point where I began to cry for the first time in my life. It's the most horrible thing that I've ever experienced.

I remember walking in the street, and someone would just smile at me, perhaps even a pretty girl, and I would just stare back with this blank, sick look on my face, to the point where I would scare the you know what out of that person and they would just look down and away. But, because I was a monster I didn't care. I had some people almost in tears. I would be rude to the people behind the counter serving my fast foods, not being rude per se, but they smile and are friendly when they serve you and I would just grab my stuff and walk away. I couldn't go back to that outlet again, to this day. I've burnt bridges I can never repair again, because of this mental state. I makes you one vile, toxic, horrible human being. You don't go neutral, you go totally evil.

Oh, and another thing, if you think you're lonely now, wait till you become emotionless, you become an island my friend. Everybody walks wide rings around you just to get out of your way. It might feel great in the beginning, but everybody begins to hate you and avoid you like the plague. And if you reach out, they dismiss you with a smile and "sorry, I'm really busy now and can't really talk to you". It's pure hell.

[Bigmike727]

Hi Lone Soldier, I know what you are feeling right now. I get the same feeling that nobody cares for me aswell and that nobody would even notice if I was gone. Tbh after feeling this way for so long, my mind just evolved to show no emotion and to never get attached to anybody else, just look out for myself if you get what I mean. Atleast here the community is very helpful and supportive of each other. Always feel free to post here at any time.

[Sam2381]

Is there something going on in your life that makes you feel that way? Do you mind me asking?

Originally Posted by Sam2381

Is there something going on in your life that makes you feel that way? Do you mind me asking?

I've felt this way since I was a child. I was happy for about three days out of 15 or so years. It's the way I am, my place in life. I just think I should be dead to the pain by now.