[redegg]

I have been living with diagnosed depression for over a month now, but my doctors believe it has gone undiagnosed for almost 4 years. Two things anger me about my depression. One is the fact that I have no control over how I feel. Little things that wouldn't affect other people can push me so far down an emotional ladder that it becomes almost impossible to do anything. When I reach this point, the pain and anxiety of the emotions become so unbearable that it makes me believe that suicide is the only way out. This happens on a daily basis, making life sometimes unbearable. I hat being reliant on a little blue pill to make me feel even semi-"normal".

The other thing that angers me is the people around me and how they treat me. They all "understand". Bull. They don't "understand" what I deal with on a daily basis. They think they know sadness and hard work? I hit rock bottom emotionally once or twice a day. They may get there once or twice a month. Sometimes people get mad at me when I act so upset about little things. They don't understand what those little things do to me and they never will.

I guess that the point of this post is that I want to know if other people who have depression go through this anger. I don't want professional opinions or doctor's opinions. I want a response from someone who truly knows. I don't mean to sound like a whiny child, but I just want to know that I'm truly not alone in this fight and that I can talk to people who aren't doctors.

Thank you.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Redegg. Make yourself at home.

Originally Posted by redegg

...my doctors believe it has gone undiagnosed for almost 4 years.

Not surprising.

My meds tend to suppress my anger, and I tend to repress anger; anger - my own and others' - frightens me. But the anger is there and it's deep.

Most of the time I'm in a state of resigned frustration.

Hello Redegg: You write that little things push you down the emotional ladder. You don't say what those things are. I know, for myself, I have always had a tendency to pop off at any little thing such as a perceived slam in someone's comment or some little thing I would do or couldn't do such as dropping something, particularly if it made a mess, or not being able to get the lid off of a jar. I've been on 120 mg. of Cymbalta for about 2 years now. It hasn't done a whole lot for my depression. But it has definitely made a difference in terms of my short fuse. This is the reason I stay on it, basically.

I would, however, also like to mention something else that may or may not hold any value for you. There is a wonderful little book titled: "Let Your Life Speak- Listening for the Voice of Vocation". The author is Parker J. Palmer. (I highly recommend it.) The premise of this book is basically that before we decide what we want to do with our lives, we should figure out essentially "what will work for us" (my words.) In other words we should take time to think about what we're good at, what makes us feel happy & fulfilled, what kinds of demands & stresses we can or can't handle, and so forth. So many of us pursue things in our lives that are in truth just wrong for us. And we pay the price for this.

I did this. I pursued vocational goals that were completely out of line with my temperament & have suffered mightily for having done so. I pursued a profession that requires large amounts of public contact. Well, , I HATE public contact! As I've gotten older & now am no longer working, I've become something of an urban hermit! And I'm more content for it. And I could go on...

So, basically, what I'm suggesting is that if you find yourself constantly popping-off at every little thing & being mad at yourself for doing so, & disliking other people because of what they say to you, or how they treat you, maybe there are things about your life situation that are causing you ongoing levels of stress that you simply are not built to tolerate. I do believe that constant stress builds up over time & at some point begins to "leak through" in differing ways. It's like one of these paper milk cartons. If you leave the milk in it long enough, not only will the milk sour, but after a while it will begin to leak through the carton.

Anyway, yes, I absolutely know what you're experiencing. I've had a lifetime of it. And it hasn't been pretty, I guarantee. I wish you all the best.

[Altered Moment]

Oh I think it is totally "normal" what you are going through. Especially with a recent diagnosis. I have been being treated for twenty years and had it since 7th grade. I didn't really know it or get a diagnosis until I was 32. I would get extremely angry about it. Why me? What did I do? I self medicated for 17 years with drugs and alcohol before I got diagnosed. Then I got clean and sober and have been ever since. I went to all the therapy, took meds, did all the AA things. Yet still have the depression. All the hard work and doing the right things and still have it. Oh yeah I have gotten really angry. I have had twenty years to work on it so I am at a place of acceptance now where it is just the hand life dealt me. It has not been easy but there is some peace in acceptance. It is a long process and anger at it is a big part of it.

You will find many people here who do understand and go through the same things. We truly understand and will not judge. People who have never had it...it is impossible for them to understand. They may try to understand and try to be helpful but most don't know how. There are some out there I have found. But we need eachother.

[Fuzzybear]

[UndeadMage]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

So many of us pursue things in our lives that are in truth just wrong for us. And we pay the price for this.

This is me. Thanks for putting it in writing Skeezyks.

[Wysteria]

Dear Redegg,

I hear you....
I was diagnosed MDD about 11 years ago. I guess the two best things I could point out is that 'situational depression' is something that almost everyone goes through at timed over deaths, losses, major life changes etc.
But diagnosed depression like this is a Chemical Imbalance in the brain. It needs to be treated by a proper doctor and a good therapist.

Therapy actually changes the brain's chemistry as well and creates new neurological pathways to create different responses in thoughts, emotions and behaviours. The meds often take weeks or months to properly build in the system and help out. The therapy helps to explain some of your reactions and anger and helps you to self-soothe when you get too overwhelmed....

Friends and family are great, but 90% of them truly won't understand...it is best to talk to professionals and peer groups of others trying to get better like you. It does take patience which I know is in short supply.

Try to be kind to yourself...
Coming here and reading and learning are a great start....
-WB

[Idiot17]

((((((redegg))))))

[Altered Moment]

My pdoc summed up what The Skeezyks is saying by telling me this-

"I have to learn to live within the bounds of my limitations."

I can't say i like that one bit. I would rather not have such limitations. As you talked about it is very frustrating to just get triggered into a very deep depression for no apparent reason at all and have no control over it. For me it is like a switch goes off in my brain and nothing can be done.

[Bigmike727]

Hi, I know exactly what you mean regarding anger. Many nights I've spent wondering why and angry at my life. My medications help keep my anger under control, I'm not as wired anymore. I find that realizing that everything happens for a reason help. We may not know why we were given this burden now, but somewhere down the road of life it may help us. Wishing you the best.

[waterknob1234]

Redegg, your post describes my life and my battle with depression to a T. I am so sorry you are going thru this pain but know you are not the only one. Yes, little things can push me down an emotional ladder to rock bottom as well. Sometimes it is something somebody says or the way they say it. I dread going to work as I deal with this mess at work everyday. Other people do not understand unless they are suffering depression. They will tell you to "just be happy". You can't just force yourself to be happy. I get angry at my depression, angry at myself, angry at others who don't understand. I try not to express that anger but it is there. The way you feel describes my daily life. I completely understand. Keep posting to us and hang in there.

[Nammu]

It could be a stage of the grief process, getting diagnosed with MMD is a loss of life as you once perceived it. It could also be from how long you had to suffer before getting the right treatment, frustration with the unacknowledged discrimination. You are not alone in your anger. Ts can help you develop a toolbox of coping methods deal with the emotions.

[redegg]

It helps to see that so many of you have responded so quickly. Thank you for your words and thoughts on this. I love seeing that there are others who know what I feel and who can give me advice on things because they have been through it.

I feel that it may help to know that I am only 18 years old and still in high school. The anger about depression stems from there, because I see all of my classmates who have control over how they feel and I ride an emotional roller coaster day after day. It hurts me to hear them say that they think they have depression when they feel sad for a few hours, but someone who is actually affected by the illness is right next to them, and yet cannot say anything for fear of judgment.

redegg, you are not alone. I've been in a severe depression for almost 10 months now and am very angry that I have to endure this while the majority of the population will never experience clinical depression. It seems very unfair that my life has to be so difficult while the majority just sail off into the sunset.

I'm angry about what depression has robbed me of: waking up in the morning and actually wanting to get out of bed, or getting up when I wake up instead of waiting for hours, just lying there. It's robbed me of my ability to enjoy life - - particularly evenings since I go in my bed at 5 p.m. every day - - even though I don't take my nighttime meds until 9 p.m.!

Damn right I'm angry about it. Get angry with myself too, even though I know this depression isn't my fault. It's a chemical imbalance.

Sorry to have ranted in your thread, but this theme really touched a chord with me. Thanks for posting about anger and depression.