And it's gone to ****

Hi, fellow UK-goer.

Pretty ridiculous that they refused you just because of where you live, ... help is help. ¬_¬ Plenty of folks here would likely be willing to help or at least lend an ear. But, I know how it goes, ... sometimes you just need something OTHER than TEXT, because text can really only go so far, sometimes. You're welcome to message me if you ever feel the need to let off steam or just chat, although I dunno how much use I'll be.

Thank you again for all the support and helpful suggestions. Today, is no where near as bad as Friday or yesterday.

Scary that it happened... but glad I got through it.

So yeah, thanks

I am glad you're feeling better today

It's really sad that so much of life comes down to sucking it up. The other option so easily comes to mind; but we can't use it. I abhor that feeling

agrrrrrree that its sad that much of life is sucking it up /

Hi ToeJam, really glad things are better for you today and good on you in reaching out!!!
Alison

-snip-

sorry

Sod it, I'll tell the wife in a minute... will probably ground me a little.

Wife again insisted on me talking to my T, said no... she is going to call her herself tomorrow :s

Hi ToeJam, it must be really uncomfortable having your wife almost taking over/giving you no options/control especially when you probably want to feel in control of everything so much??? But sometimes it can be so hard to think of what might be best for yourself, especially when the depression is "flooring you" and telling you so convincingly everything you don't want to be thinking/feeling. You know depression can be so deceiving and overwhelming.
So perhaps give yourself a break?? You've struggled so much with all of this, so just a breather, and let her worry about it/you/what's best for you for just a short while??? You've already been through/handled enough.
And even if you hate her just a little (??) right now for taking away your power to decide what you're going to tell who, perhaps look forward to where you may thank her just a little for taking the weight off what you're going to tell who.
And you know you can still be in control of things whatever, it's you who really is showing the strength in battling these urges, without that strength........it's just maybe you might (for now) need a little more help with them. And nothing at all wrong with that!!!
Alison

Overpowering urges are serious. It is best if you can overcome them without intervention (intervention may not always be available; it may be after 1am in your area or your ability to call for help may be interpreted as a sign you really don't need help...).

If the best is not within grasp, stay safe somehow and figure it out later.

I don't feel hate towards anyone (pretty much just at me), especially not my wife... though yeah I can see why and how that emotion could be triggered with her taking over. Makes me nervous more than anything else... I said no, simply because of how this all appears... that, as I said (deleted that, just realised)... I don't want to be patronised... that yes, I may be dealing with this, my T doesn't know... and it could look out of the blue... look stupid... look pathetic... like I'm making **** up for attention.... and that would make me angry, would be counterproductive... because then I just wouldn't want to see her anymore.

really irritated with myself right now... sorry about this... and thank you for the post, I know you're right... I just am having a hard time absorbing or thinking clearly.

Hi TJ, if your T is going to be giving you the impression that she thinks: "and it could look out of the blue... look stupid... look pathetic... like I'm making **** up for attention.... " then you definitely don't want her as your T. So maybe give her a chance, be straight up with her and tell her all the things you've been feeling and see where it goes??
She should be able to give you empathy, understanding, support..........And even if you haven't been straight up all the way along with her (and I'm sure she'll have found/understood that a lot of "clients" aren't able to do that!!) then this can just be a new beginning to giving you the real support you need.
And besides that therapy can be an ongoing process of opening up anyway, it can sometimes be natural that as trust/the relationship develops more of the reality of situations is going to show. So don't "beat yourself up" about what you have/haven't/do/will tell her just try to seize the opportunity of her being there in her role to help you and "let it out".
None of it is about "weakness", it's all about depression and what you've been through and you deserve help with that.
Alison

Thank you Alison.

Will see what happens tomorrow. Will go to work and just try to be normal... People kind of see me as a bit 'quirky' (guess that's the best word for it), so me putting my ear phones in and listening to music while I do some admin stuff won't be unusual.

Was a bit of a god send after my last posts... Some online friends from a game I used to play asked me to get on team speak to play another game... Not spoken to them in months so it was both a surprise and welcome escape... Just shooting the crap with them and listening to the jokes and banter.

Probably a mistake, but also drunk some whiskey, and just let myself get a bit drunk... Got me comfortably numb. Might regret it in the morning but sod it... I just wanted some escape for a little bit.

Weird this morning, thoughts are there and lurking under the surface… but on the exterior, I am functioning… doing my work and communicating well with others. Keep wanting to nip to the toilets to do something (not die, but self harm) but I can’t let anything be visible so just tingling, feeling numb and just ‘doing’.

Should be racked with anxiety, lost my bank card this morning and that would usually send me into massive panic… but I just don’t care. Might show up tonight when I get home (pretty scatty and I lose crap all the time), might be stolen… if the former, great… if the latter, just more reason to feel the way I do.

If I can’t find it, I’ll just cancel the card tonight.

I acknowledge that I've been badly triggered from last week... that stuff has taken a bit of a nose dive... but really apathetic about it right now, not really thinking about helping myself or being kind to myself. Insight but no will to apply it.

Hi TJ, sounds like a really mixed up morning and quite hard underneath for you (and even a feeling of numbness can be hard!!) ??? But from what you've said you've come through it really well for all "appearances" . So.......wow!!........you should be feeling really proud of yourself for that!!!
As for the card...........more important things than that right now aren't there??? And whatever's happened to it then there's only so much you can do anyway e.g. phone up and cancel it. Fingers crossed you find it but if not then.......you know you can handle/sort it don't you? And **** have you handled much worse, so not that big a deal really.
And try not to push/expect/hope for too much from yourself. I mean you've just come through "the weekend" which was "pretty rough". And if you need extra support, from wherever then nothing wrong with that.
Just try to take it easy, bit by bit.....and don't forget, even though I know it's really hard, you have come a long way from that "considering". And if you aren't feeling in a place to think of helping yourself right now, then perhaps let us try to help you a bit......in whatever way we can, please?
Alison

That's familiar.

I'm glad you are functioning despite everything. Time has unfortunately not contributed much to my understanding of my functioning and dysfunction. Everything remains theoretical.

Here's hoping that bank card turns up soon.

I totally forgot about that... it did, wife found it in one of my shirts I'd chucked in the laundry basket... as said, a bit scatty.

Was pleased that it was found with minimum fuss when I got home after seeing the T.