[Hellion]

So I have been trying to put into words how I have been feeling, and been proving to be very difficult but I think I have somewhat of a grasp on it. I have been feeling quite apathetic about myself and my health, but I still care a lot about some close family and a couple friends and potential boyfriend I've met. But I know in order to maintain healthy relationships with people its helpful to also take care of ones-self and care about your wellbeing....I mean on the surface yeah I am trying to eat healthier, but more just to attempt ot lessen my digestive discomfort/lack of appetite and constantly being borderline underweight or moderately underweight issues so I don't feel hungry all the time...not because I am really thinking about 'this will help me live a more full-filling life'

There are also some issues in the world I care deeply about or am disturbed and or noticeably affected by...not that i really do much about those things, not sure what to do about that stuff....no one seems to take activism of any kind very seriously and I have terrible social skills and executive functioning difficulties so I don't know how to organize anything.

Its also strange since I get panic attacks, and sometiems PTSD related flashback incidents where I feel like reliving what happened or bits of it...or get afraid something simular is about to take place...and pretty sure I'd surrender my wallet if someone robbed me at gun point or something....yet then I also have been having suicidal ideation and feelings of wondering what the point is and whether or not I should off myself..no immediate plans but the concepts been floating around in my head.

[Teacake]

Have you ever considered firearms safety training as a sort of exposure therapy? One of the worst things about our gun culture is people think the kid with the gun has all the power. He doesn't. Guns aren't magic. The more you know about anything the more realistically you see it.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Teacake

Have you ever considered firearms safety training as a sort of exposure therapy? One of the worst things about our gun culture is people think the kid with the gun has all the power. He doesn't. Guns aren't magic. The more you know about anything the more realistically you see it.

Not really, don't have much interest in that sort of thing really...

[Perna]

I think your "work" to relieve your digestive discomfort and not be so hungry/weigh a proper amount, etc. is valid. However, it is not anything very exciting so I don't think the "surface"/apathy model works well for it? All the things you mentioned don't sound all that earth shatteringly interesting? I do not think you are apathetic toward yourself so much as just kind of waiting for something to jump out at you and interest you. However, that rarely has worked for me, I have to be out exploring new territory to get something to do that.

When I was first investigating losing weight and eating healthier, I got into nutrition and the "game" of trying to balance the number of calories I wanted with the optimum nutrition. For example, someone my size should have about 60 grams protein a day but protein is caloric. We have all these idiot foods that are adding calcium to our diet but not magnesium and the calcium magnesium ratio is extremely important and delicate. Delicious Living Blog I found really good sources of dietary information: The World's Healthiest Foods and had a ball just playing and learning.

See if you can awaken your curiosity. When you wonder something, follow it up (unless you have something better to do :-) and maybe you will find an interest that will grab you further?

[fluffbuster]

I mean on the surface yeah I am trying to eat healthier, but more just to attempt ot lessen my digestive discomfort/lack of appetite and constantly being borderline underweight or moderately underweight issues so I don't feel hungry all the time...not because I am really thinking about 'this will help me live a more full-filling life'

hmmm - maybe you ought to think more on 'this will help you live a more fulfilling life'. - have you gone to a nutritionist to find out/make sure that you might not be ailing dietarily (sp - if that's a word) in some way? - maybe you have a thyroid situation that you is making you feel like crap - and therefore your thoughts are depressed also? diet is sort of important in making you feel ok - if you're anemic and always rundown your whole life can feel like there is a veil over your body and thoughts - all things turn grey. please check out your physical health and hopefully your mental heath will become brighter.

[Hellion]

My problem is being underweight and losing too much.

But perhaps I did not word things quite right, the thing is it feels pointless...its like the only reason I really give a damn about that is its uncomfortable to have digestive discomfort, not because I am like concerned....sort of like when I feel suicidal I don't want to upset anyone by doing it but not because I feel my life has any meaning or point....not sure if I am quite making my thoughts clear.

[DogTired]

"...sort of like when I feel suicidal I don't want to upset anyone by doing it but not because I feel my life has any meaning or point....not sure if I am quite making my thoughts clear."

That is EXACTLY how I've been feeling for months but couldn't convey the feeling very well to others, and you just worded it perfectly. And I'm not sure how to get past this point, either. I have no advice, just understanding of that sentiment you so perfectly described.

[fluffbuster]

but again - have you ever gone to a dietitian or a nutritionist or anything like that?
you may feel 'pointless' cause your body is suffering from malnutrition. - suppose you're missing vitamin K (or whatever - B12, C - whatever) - and that affects mood.
your life feels pointless cause maybe your nutrition is so poor your brain can't think straight and now is like in 'zombie' mode.
i'm not saying that if you start eating cheerios your outlook on life will be brighter - but until you verify your body is metabolizing correctly and what you're eating is supplying your brain w/ all the nutrition it needs to feel comfortable, you don't know.
(its just a suggestion and i'm not a nutritionist or anything like that)

[fluffbuster]

and pretty sure I'd surrender my wallet if someone robbed me at gun point or something....
just to let you know - pretty sure i'd do that too.

don't let your body rob you of your mind.

[Altered Moment]

Sounds like the classic symptoms of depression and anxiety Hellion. You need to adjust your treatment somehow.

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[Hellion]

Originally Posted by fluffbuster

but again - have you ever gone to a dietitian or a nutritionist or anything like that?
you may feel 'pointless' cause your body is suffering from malnutrition. - suppose you're missing vitamin K (or whatever - B12, C - whatever) - and that affects mood.
your life feels pointless cause maybe your nutrition is so poor your brain can't think straight and now is like in 'zombie' mode.
i'm not saying that if you start eating cheerios your outlook on life will be brighter - but until you verify your body is metabolizing correctly and what you're eating is supplying your brain w/ all the nutrition it needs to feel comfortable, you don't know.
(its just a suggestion and i'm not a nutritionist or anything like that)

No I have not and I kind of doubt I could afford to, at the moment just figuring out how to get groceries with my budget and figuring out things to make that would sit well...though sometimes its too much stress/anxiety/ptsd related on edge feelings and such that I think is a large part of the issue.

Also I have had depression and anxiety for quite a while without too much digestive issues...though I was a bit picky as a child in the sense I thought sugary breakfast cereal they advertised on t.v was gross also fast food is just really gross...but I didn't really so much digestive crap till the PTSD. So I do not think malnutrition is the cause, I think more being burnt out on having PTSD, nowhere to go in life and such.

Also my nutrition is not that poor just lacking in amount sometimes, I don't eat fast food...avoid processed food where I can and generally eat pretty healthy(because most unhealthy is gross to me), just not quite enough a lot of the time due to having no appetite due to the anxiety/on edgeness the PTSD causes...and aside from getting underweight any time I've gotten a check up or whatver my physical health is fine....last I was in the psych ward part of a hospital they thought i might have had a rather high liver enzyme which may have pointed to some liver issue, but turns out it was nothing of concern...so I think physical issues have been more or less ruled out as far as being the cause of my problems.

It feels pointless because I grauated highschool, dropped out of college...had to apply for SSI at a young age and don't feel I really have a whole lot to look forward to aside from continuing misery...don't see how life in general can go up hill because even if through some miracle I was cured of my mental illnesses I am still stuck in this horrendous society....and I am pretty low on the economic scale so it would still not be likely I'd be pulling myself too far out of poverty even if I could manage a couple part time jobs.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

Sounds like the classic symptoms of depression and anxiety Hellion. You need to adjust your treatment somehow.

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I figure it has to do with that, as well as probably the PTSD...but yeah don't meet with my therapist again till next month and its a new one since the one I was seeing is pregnant and had to take a leave so I gotta go over my past and issues all over again because I have had to switch therapists over and over at this place I go to...not because the therapists didn't want to continue but more management issues, being transferred and such.

I won't be seeing my psychatrist till the end of next month and will tell her about how the celexa didn't help my depression....let her know the valium does still help with panic attacks to an extent, and see what her suggestions are as far as giving other depression meds a try if there even is anything left to try in that area...so not really much options to change up my treatment until toward the end of next month.

Still have thought of group therapy or something, but still can't seem to motivate myself to actually find something and try showing up for a meeting.

Originally Posted by Hellion

So I have been trying to put into words how I have been feeling, and been proving to be very difficult but I think I have somewhat of a grasp on it. I have been feeling quite apathetic about myself and my health, but I still care a lot about some close family and a couple friends and potential boyfriend I've met. But I know in order to maintain healthy relationships with people its helpful to also take care of ones-self and care about your wellbeing....I mean on the surface yeah I am trying to eat healthier, but more just to attempt ot lessen my digestive discomfort/lack of appetite and constantly being borderline underweight or moderately underweight issues so I don't feel hungry all the time...not because I am really thinking about 'this will help me live a more full-filling life'

There are also some issues in the world I care deeply about or am disturbed and or noticeably affected by...not that i really do much about those things, not sure what to do about that stuff....no one seems to take activism of any kind very seriously and I have terrible social skills and executive functioning difficulties so I don't know how to organize anything.

Its also strange since I get panic attacks, and sometiems PTSD related flashback incidents where I feel like reliving what happened or bits of it...or get afraid something simular is about to take place...and pretty sure I'd surrender my wallet if someone robbed me at gun point or something....yet then I also have been having suicidal ideation and feelings of wondering what the point is and whether or not I should off myself..no immediate plans but the concepts been floating around in my head.

Hellion,

I am sorry you're feeling this way, and the fact that you are concerned about world/general issues and crisis' shows your compassionate, from my experience with people (not much either), I have learned this ingredient is overlooked and undernourished.
Without hope, what is the point right? - I also let general and world situations get to me, and it really does drag me down too.

You said you are eating healthily because you are borderline underweight and want to keep an eye on this? Well, perhaps look at the positive benefits of adopting a healthyish lifestyle (Dieting and fitness I am ready to give up on because I can feel no mental benefit, however I know that it gives me something to cling on to). - And I know 'positive' is harder to put into action than said, but at least it is something to work towards feeling? Or just happiness, more importantly.

I know how damaging flashbacks can be and many others do too, these flashbacks change my mood instantly, they keep the one held down and trapped in a time frame, there is never a day that i'm truly at peace within my mind, and it gives me less hope everyday. If there was a way to deal with them, i'd tell you but in the mean time medication and exercise temporarily masks the emotional turmoil- from experience so far.

[Altered Moment]

Your prospects financially may not be good. Mine are not either and I have applied for SSI. That doesn't mean we have nothing to look forward to. If I get SSI I will have much more freedom to pursue things of interest. I would love to learn piano for one. You are very intelligent. Pursue things that interest you just for the satisfaction of learning and doing. I know this is very difficult in bad times but you will have good periods.

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[Hellion]

Originally Posted by fembot067

Hellion,

I am sorry you're feeling this way, and the fact that you are concerned about world/general issues and crisis' shows your compassionate, from my experience with people (not much either), I have learned this ingredient is overlooked and undernourished.
Without hope, what is the point right? - I also let general and world situations get to me, and it really does drag me down too.

You said you are eating healthily because you are borderline underweight and want to keep an eye on this? Well, perhaps look at the positive benefits of adopting a healthyish lifestyle (Dieting and fitness I am ready to give up on because I can feel no mental benefit, however I know that it gives me something to cling on to). - And I know 'positive' is harder to put into action than said, but at least it is something to work towards feeling? Or just happiness, more importantly.

I know how damaging flashbacks can be and many others do too, these flashbacks change my mood instantly, they keep the one held down and trapped in a time frame, there is never a day that i'm truly at peace within my mind, and it gives me less hope everyday. If there was a way to deal with them, i'd tell you but in the mean time medication and exercise temporarily masks the emotional turmoil- from experience so far.

I do walk a lot, along with not eating much unhealthy food....I mean yeah I don't have much money and sometimes I end up so hungry I might have to grab chips or something not to healthy from a convenience store. But yeah I do end up getting quite a bit of walking in pretty regularly.

And flashbacks really do suck, makes me feel pathetic freaking out when no danger is present, but yeah its weird like I don't care about what happens to me in the end but I still get anxious and worried for my safety during flashbacks, even though over-all I don't really care....its more putting up the appearance of geuninly caring about going to therapy with the genuine feeling it will help, trying to live as healthy as possible taking meds when half the time I am thinking of suicide(not on the verge of plans but thinking about it in the sense of not enjoying life) even if it seems I am ok on the outside to other people.

Originally Posted by Hellion

I do walk a lot, along with not eating much unhealthy food....I mean yeah I don't have much money and sometimes I end up so hungry I might have to grab chips or something not to healthy from a convenience store. But yeah I do end up getting quite a bit of walking in pretty regularly.

And flashbacks really do suck, makes me feel pathetic freaking out when no danger is present, but yeah its weird like I don't care about what happens to me in the end but I still get anxious and worried for my safety during flashbacks, even though over-all I don't really care....its more putting up the appearance of geuninly caring about going to therapy with the genuine feeling it will help, trying to live as healthy as possible taking meds when half the time I am thinking of suicide(not on the verge of plans but thinking about it in the sense of not enjoying life) even if it seems I am ok on the outside to other people.

I'm sorry that you are thinking in this frame of mind, however much you are contemplating 'it', you're story is important to many other people feeling this way, or having similar troubles. People appreciate your efforts to share your story and issues, and I certainly appreciate your comments, feedback and support. Good luck to you