[pisces22]

Everything posted on these forums can trigger a lot of things but just letting you all know.

There's so many beautiful things in the world but I can't live because I'm afraid to die. I'm scared to leave such a beautiful world. I'm hurting so much. I used to live such a different life, I feel like my life started over. I'm living a new life, a miserable one. I love my family, my dog. Now I can't help feeling, like I'm wasting every second. I feel like sleeping is a waste of time, we're wasting every second. I hate when people are like "live life like its your last day" "life's short, live today" and I can't do that because if I knew today was my last day, I'd be scared sh**less. No one knows when their last day is and that's why everyday I'm scared out of my mind. I'm scared of losing my family too. I can't stop thinking ahead. I can't stop questioning everything, life and god. I'm scared of getting old.

I wish I believed in something but so much doesn't make sense. I can't believe in god but I wish I did, so much. A few years ago, if I was going through this I'd feel some kind of comfort. I wasn't totally devoted back then but I believed in god a little. Now it is so difficult to do so. I want to believe in something. I want to find some security. I want to live in the present and not have this extremely intense fear. I love my family and they're so peacefully living life but I can't do that.

I don't know if I'll ever be the girl I was just a few weeks ago. I wish I could sleep and wake up to being the same person I was a few weeks ago.

I want to be the girl that cared about boys, getting a job, going back to school, meeting new people, worrying about my bad skin, my weight, my appearance, etc. Nothing matters anymore. I can't shower and i can't take care of myself anymore. Nothing that once made me happy makes me happy anymore.

Today my family was getting mad because I didn't want to eat and I wanted to tell them everything but I couldn't. I cried though, for the first time. I feel horrible. I feel sad. I feel fear all over my body. My stomach hurts too. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow again.

I'm going hiking with my sisters and cousins but I don't have the energy and my mind is struggling. I hate reaching out to you guys but any advice would be good. I want to hear positive things right now.

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[Mustkeepjob32]

Are you in care of therapist or psychiatrist? You sound really down. I can relate to the being scared to die and scared of time going by. While I have been depressed off and on for many years, I've been severely depressed the last month or so. I'm visiting my parents and maybe that's why I'm so depressed. But they love me and I am safe although feel sick in my own skin.

Have you ever tried CBT? or read Albert Ellis? He does Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. Very good stuff although it requires effor on the part of the patient.

I hope you feel better soon.

[pisces22]

Yes, I'm seeing a therapist. Yes, I'm very down. I never had this extreme fear. I was always aware of death but I see it so differently now. I haven't read anything as this is a new fear. Thank you so much. I really want to feel okay soon.

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[lark265]

thanks, I get it.......I wish I was in some support group right now with you (and others like us) in it, with a good facilitator......that wouldn't save me but it sure would feel better than I am feeling this moment....which is quite crappy.......sleep somehow is a good comfort - inconsciousness, perchance to dream.............thank you for reaching out here, even though like you said, you hate it........good to know there are others

Originally Posted by pisces22

Everything posted on these forums can trigger a lot of things but just letting you all know.

There's so many beautiful things in the world but I can't live because I'm afraid to die. I'm scared to leave such a beautiful world. I'm hurting so much. I used to live such a different life, I feel like my life started over. I'm living a new life, a miserable one. I love my family, my dog. Now I can't help feeling, like I'm wasting every second. I feel like sleeping is a waste of time, we're wasting every second. I hate when people are like "live life like its your last day" "life's short, live today" and I can't do that because if I knew today was my last day, I'd be scared sh**less. No one knows when their last day is and that's why everyday I'm scared out of my mind. I'm scared of losing my family too. I can't stop thinking ahead. I can't stop questioning everything, life and god. I'm scared of getting old.

I wish I believed in something but so much doesn't make sense. I can't believe in god but I wish I did, so much. A few years ago, if I was going through this I'd feel some kind of comfort. I wasn't totally devoted back then but I believed in god a little. Now it is so difficult to do so. I want to believe in something. I want to find some security. I want to live in the present and not have this extremely intense fear. I love my family and they're so peacefully living life but I can't do that.

I don't know if I'll ever be the girl I was just a few weeks ago. I wish I could sleep and wake up to being the same person I was a few weeks ago.

I want to be the girl that cared about boys, getting a job, going back to school, meeting new people, worrying about my bad skin, my weight, my appearance, etc. Nothing matters anymore. I can't shower and i can't take care of myself anymore. Nothing that once made me happy makes me happy anymore.

Today my family was getting mad because I didn't want to eat and I wanted to tell them everything but I couldn't. I cried though, for the first time. I feel horrible. I feel sad. I feel fear all over my body. My stomach hurts too. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow again.

I'm going hiking with my sisters and cousins but I don't have the energy and my mind is struggling. I hate reaching out to you guys but any advice would be good. I want to hear positive things right now.

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Hi, I totally understand how you're feeling. I have had an obsessive awareness of death since I was a child. I feel very fortunate because I do believe that there is some kind of creative force in the universe...call it "God" or whatever, I don't feel alone. And logic tells me that there is something after we appear to die...something that we cannot possibly comprehend as mortals on this earth.

That said, I still obsess about death. I have pets that I cherish, but I can't really enjoy them because I know they're going to die. And so on. Now - here's the thing: I know that depression makes death seem bigger and closer and very, very powerful. So, while I am not in any way negating your feelings about death, I do believe that a good medication and good therapy would help you to live more in the now and a whole lot less in the "then".

[pisces22]

Originally Posted by Sister Rags

Hi, I totally understand how you're feeling. I have had an obsessive awareness of death since I was a child. I feel very fortunate because I do believe that there is some kind of creative force in the universe...call it "God" or whatever, I don't feel alone. And logic tells me that there is something after we appear to die...something that we cannot possibly comprehend as mortals on this earth.

That said, I still obsess about death. I have pets that I cherish, but I can't really enjoy them because I know they're going to die. And so on. Now - here's the thing: I know that depression makes death seem bigger and closer and very, very powerful. So, while I am not in any way negating your feelings about death, I do believe that a good medication and good therapy would help you to live more in the now and a whole lot less in the "then".

Has medication and therapy helped you?

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[pisces22]

Originally Posted by lark265

thanks, I get it.......I wish I was in some support group right now with you (and others like us) in it, with a good facilitator......that wouldn't save me but it sure would feel better than I am feeling this moment....which is quite crappy.......sleep somehow is a good comfort - inconsciousness, perchance to dream.............thank you for reaching out here, even though like you said, you hate it........good to know there are others

Yeah, sleeping is the only break I have from my thoughts. I'm taking sleeping pills to help me sleep but I feel like it isn't working anymore. I don't actually hate reaching out to people, it's just that I feel like I'm bothering people. When I first joined, I got a lot of replies but now that I post more frequently no one seems to respond until hours later and when I post its usually because I'm really desperate and in need of someone. I just hate the part when i feel like a bother. I don't blame anyone though, I know sometimes it's hard to find the right words to say. Posting on here, helps a little. I get distracted when I write and read your responses for a few minutes. I also try to reply to others on here and try to be supportive, it keeps me occupied and away from my thoughts a little. Thank you for your reply!

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[lizzyjb]

I would like to be more helpful but it is impossible when I am feeling the sames fears. Sometimes I wish I have faith but I haven't, and sometimes I wish to reply but I feel I have nothing interesting or helpfull to say. I try to be supportive but sometimes say others to go ahead is difficult when I can't do it myself. You are not alone in this.
Hugs

[Altered Moment]

I have to say I rely heavily on my faith. It is not a religious faith at all. It is a set of beliefs of my own that have evolved over time by doing a lot of reading on all kinds of new age spiritual stuff and even philosophy by religious scholars. It is much more based of lack of understanding than on understanding. I truly believe there is so much more to this universe than humans are able to perceive. Our perception is so limited. I truly believe that my personality will continue to exist after I die. I don't know why I just sense that it is true. I have had some personal experiences that I couldn't possibly explain that have led to a lot of faith.

What gets me is the total contrast between being connected with nature and the universe and this power I don't understand when I am doing really good and the total lack of connection when in a depression. That part of me, the sixth sense or whatever, is cut off by depression. I have to draw on my intellectual understanding of the times when I did feel connected.

[Fuzzybear]

[birdpumpkin]

I understand, but my fear right now is more of being left totally alone after all my family has died and not being able to care for myself rather than death. My parents are old, my husband is older than I am, my sister is 10 years older and has COPD, nephews far away living their own lives, my son has Asperger's and I'm afraid may not mentally be able to help me out when I'm older. That's all I have, and I fear them all passing away before me (but my son and nephews) and just being alone and ending up homeless or something. It's hard to live life with worries like ours and enjoy it. I really have no advice. Just wanted to let you know I understand. I know when we don't feel like our usual selves it can get us anxious, too, and make things worse. You said you've been feeling this way for a few weeks. I've been dealing with mine for 6 months, and it bothers me that I'm not the person I used to be 6 months ago. I used to be so happy, carefree, silly, playful... Now it's all gone. I have reasons I've changed that are completely understandable (our fire, losses, etc.) but I just want that person back I used to be and keep wondering if she'll ever be back again. That tends to make me even more anxious. That could be making you feel worse, too.

I can understand the "I should be enjoying life" thing.... (but I do not enjoy it). So - I end up with guilt for not appreciating the gift of life.

But personally - I really can not understand the fear of "if I knew today was my last day". I would CELEBRATE - finally I get to leave this awful planet and go to heaven. Sounds good to me.

I wish you ALL peace.

[pisces22]

Originally Posted by lizzyjb

I would like to be more helpful but it is impossible when I am feeling the sames fears. Sometimes I wish I have faith but I haven't, and sometimes I wish to reply but I feel I have nothing interesting or helpfull to say. I try to be supportive but sometimes say others to go ahead is difficult when I can't do it myself. You are not alone in this.
Hugs

Than you! I understand.

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[pisces22]

Originally Posted by birdpumpkin

I understand, but my fear right now is more of being left totally alone after all my family has died and not being able to care for myself rather than death. My parents are old, my husband is older than I am, my sister is 10 years older and has COPD, nephews far away living their own lives, my son has Asperger's and I'm afraid may not mentally be able to help me out when I'm older. That's all I have, and I fear them all passing away before me (but my son and nephews) and just being alone and ending up homeless or something. It's hard to live life with worries like ours and enjoy it. I really have no advice. Just wanted to let you know I understand. I know when we don't feel like our usual selves it can get us anxious, too, and make things worse. You said you've been feeling this way for a few weeks. I've been dealing with mine for 6 months, and it bothers me that I'm not the person I used to be 6 months ago. I used to be so happy, carefree, silly, playful... Now it's all gone. I have reasons I've changed that are completely understandable (our fire, losses, etc.) but I just want that person back I used to be and keep wondering if she'll ever be back again. That tends to make me even more anxious. That could be making you feel worse, too.

Thank you. I'm glad you understand.

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[Davyblues]

I saw my specialist Psychiatrist today and we talked about how good Breaking bad was stupid I know but same as you I never watched tv of being scared I had wasted the day but it is good after all. I enjoyed her help and upping my meds but I feel great you mentioning how amazing the World is because you are right.
It makes me happy hearing this. I look at it this way my friend has a few months to live at only 30! Cancer now I am scared like you but to be honest I couldn't care only as my meds kicked in I wanted to learn Spanish get a house and further my programming and learning.
It feels new and fresh and yes now I jog slowly even though depression sets me back 70 days with no exercise sometimes but I look at the World and it is amazing.
Whoever or what created it is amazing.
I used to not want to play computer or read as it was wasting my life just wanted to get each day to nightime as I would feel better later once dark and when it rained and storms I felt calm. I don't want to mention clairvoyants or witches or anything or beliefs but whether you believe in God or not goto a meeting and meet nice happy people. Be nice to each other like you expect to get treated yourself and believe me you will live a long and prosperous life.
There is nothing wrong with asking questions but the most important thing is believe me someone is looking over you and you.
Hope you get through this

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[Davyblues]

I went to am Alpha church group recently and all my mates slagged me saying God doesn't exist what you going there for again I said I got nice food met nice people who don't swear treated me nice and made time for me and kept in touch. That's better than going to the frikkin pub with loud mouth arses.

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Has medication and therapy helped me? Oh my goodness....YES!

[Davyblues]

Hi Sister Rags if I hadn't gotten help and a new job I wouldn't be talking to you now.
I wish I had come here for help but I couldn't and it nearly cost me.

Yes medication was a life saver and I am so in debt to my specialist not my doctors who said stretch my kneck muscles and not to holland and barret as all that stuff did nothing compared to real meds. I put off doctors then specialist incase I was seen etc am I weak I thought for years til I only had one chance left.

Social anxiety is debilitating from overheating not going in warm rooms queues shops meetings sweating and heart racing not sleeping getting up 7 times a night are people talking about you are they judging you you have talked for ten minutes about something you can't remember and you can't leave this situation you need space you need cold water anything cold to calm you down you need blinds closed a million different things.
Yes meds have been a life saver but it took a long time and side effects will pass and each day gets better I deliberately walk into meetings and take charge in total control now and act super confident like I knew I always could but couldn't.
Money is good and good jobs and houses and savings but tonight I helped two woman take 2 minutes off their 10k pb and that felt better than any Lottery win could. And I won that race a few years ago but tonight 16 mins slower I enjoyed realised what's more important.
Alcoholic to t total to smoker to
80 miles a week runner for 5 years to smoking 20 a day in last ten weeks but anyway as I said side effects do lots of crazy things and meds just make things easier the highs lower and the lows higher.

Goodluck and don't smoke lol and if you do get an electronic cigarette a good one :-)



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[TheOriginalMe]

I constantly feel guilty because I know in the grand scheme of things I don't have problems. I have clean water, food, sanitation, a warm safe home, health care, education, equality of opportunity. Surely these are the important things, but I feel so empty, so lonely, so unhappy. Why am I so ungrateful, there are people who would settle for any of those basics I've listed, I don't deserve what I have.

Depression knows how to kick us when we're down and erodes our sense of worth, what you are feeling others feel too. Keep posting if it helps you, I'm here because there's no-one in real life that I feel I can tell.

[pisces22]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

I constantly feel guilty because I know in the grand scheme of things I don't have problems. I have clean water, food, sanitation, a warm safe home, health care, education, equality of opportunity. Surely these are the important things, but I feel so empty, so lonely, so unhappy. Why am I so ungrateful, there are people who would settle for any of those basics I've listed, I don't deserve what I have.

Depression knows how to kick us when we're down and erodes our sense of worth, what you are feeling others feel too. Keep posting if it helps you, I'm here because there's no-one in real life that I feel I can tell.

I realize that I'm in better place than others as well but I just can't control these feelings. Thank you so much!

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[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by pisces22

I realize that I'm in better place than others as well but I just can't control these feelings. Thank you so much!

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That is one of the worst things about depression for me, knowing that I could actually be worse off and not being able to enjoy the things I do have.

Remember it isn't you, it is the depression that is controlling you right now. Hopefully, your therapy will help you take control of the depression and bring these feelings back under control too, be patient it will take time.

[pisces22]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

That is one of the worst things about depression for me, knowing that I could actually be worse off and not being able to enjoy the things I do have.

Remember it isn't you, it is the depression that is controlling you right now. Hopefully, your therapy will help you take control of the depression and bring these feelings back under control too, be patient it will take time.

Hopefully! I'll try. I hope you're doing okay.

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[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by pisces22

Hopefully! I'll try. I hope you're doing okay.

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I'm emotionally burnt out at the moment, so some of the worst thoughts have calmed down a bit for a while. I'm going to try to sleep now, but I'll look by on this thread tomorrow.

[pisces22]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

I'm emotionally burnt out at the moment, so some of the worst thoughts have calmed down a bit for a while. I'm going to try to sleep now, but I'll look by on this thread tomorrow.

I hope you have a good night sleep and feel better tomorrow!

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[TheOriginalMe]

Thank you, I managed almost 5 hours. The sun is bright, the air is clear and for once it doesn't look like rain. I'll try and appreciate the beauty of a new day.

Here's hoping that tomorrow will bring something better for you too.