Isolated

I feel as though I'm past the 'breaking' point. As though I'm lower than that. The last week in particular I've had to consciously deter myself from following through on suicide plans. Now...I feel like I don't even have the energy to bother with an attempt. The few people who have bothered to come around me in recent weeks have all disappeared. Even my husband (who is out of state for work) has quit speaking to me via text or calls. Last conversation with him I was trying to explain my depression and suicidal ideation....and he kept trying to stear the conversation to sex. Ultimately, we argued and he said he didn't give a damn how I was feeling I needed to "act like a f-n wife" or he would find someone that would. Guess he went looking....

I live in the country. No one comes out here. It's just my kids and I at this point. I force myself to go through the motions of caring for them, but...sometimes they go days without baths, sometimes the eat cereal for every meal...I know I'm being a really crappy mother. I can't take care of myself....how can I take care of them adequately?? I don't want to loose them...and at the same time I can't help but think they would be better off without me. They have been my only reason recently to not follow through on certain impulses...I absolutely did not want them finding me. Realistically, considering out location and lack of company, it would be days...or even weeks...before anyone else would notice anything out of place and find me. Since I don't have anyplace to send my kids...I guess I have to force myself to go through each day for them.

I don't know what my point is here, or if I even have one. I feel like I'm just rambling so I'll get off here.

Oh this is really not good. I'm very sorry that you're feeling this way, and I doubt me commenting will help a whole lot, but I feel the need to anyway. First of all your husband-- That man seems like a waste of air. I could understand him dealing with the stress and burden of traveling for work so he can support you and the kids... and maybe he felt unappreciated and snapped... but even still that's completely uncalled for, and you deserve better. But those children are number one hun. As hard as it can be to cope with your own thoughts and ideas... you must be there for them number one. You're the foundation of their entire lives. What you do now-- it will be with them forever. I can see you suffer great but these babies are new to this life... you don't want to tarnish it for them before they even get out the door! Everything you do they see (no matter the age). Think of their futures. Will they stand proud and dote on their loving mother who pulled herself through her own psychological hell to give them the best life she could offer? Your strength will be instilled in your children and they will grow strong as well! --This next bit may be harsh... but it's brutal honesty. Would you want them to be scarred as they grow older because their mother gave up? They'd probably blame themselves for putting a burden on you. They would likely end up sad insecure adults inevitably dealing with the same problems you're feeling now accept they'll be crashing and wanting to escape. You wouldn't have posted here if you didn't care, if you weren't scared... put suicide out of your mind hun. Stick hubby on the back burner and you raise your babies to be the best they can be. You are strong and you are absolutely capable of pulling through this. Believe in yourself, and that you can do this. You hold more lives than one in your hands... You CAN do this. My heart is with you!!

(((Whoaminoone))) I have to agree with jewekz105 if you can do it. As for myself I know where you are at. I understand every word. I would try to talk to your husband again. This time listen to what he has to say. You might find out how hard it is for him to understand where you are coming from. Depression is hard enough for us to understand muck less getting someone else to understand. After he gets done talking it is your turn. You both need to talk not scream at each other. Your husband is your best friend. Also men do need sex, if you can give him a little. With your children take your time. You can take care of them. Idea that might help. Make a list that you can follow for the day. Get children up, feed children breakfast, feed children lunch and so on. My list: get out of bed, take meds, brush teeth, fix lunch, watch Law and order, take meds, watch the news, and so on. If I need to do something else for the day I add it to my list. In my case I have never finished it all. But I add what I didn't finish to the next day.
I really wish you all the luck in the world.

You're not alone. I know I'm just behind a screen but I do care about you because I know that feeling of isolation and sadness and I'm with you. I'm not suicidal but I know how desperate a mental illness can make you feel. You just want to find a way out of this hole but suicide is not the answer. You might make things better for yourself but it will only make things worse for your family, especially your kids who are just starting their life. They would not be better off WITHOUT you, they would be better off WITH you. Let your kids be your reason and your purpose in life for now. I've been feeling very depressed and anxious for some time now and I've been miserable day after day for a month and today I read something that gave me hope and I've been feeling okay for several hours because I know it can get better. Stay hopeful and stay positive and hopefully soon you'll feel better soon. I know therapy isn't an option because of you can't afford it and your husband isn't willing to pay but keep posting here and keep talking to us. I saw someone else post a video of this therapist who posts videos on YouTube and I watched some of her videos and they do help a little, her name is Kati Morton, look her up. You can also read articles and stuff online. Just keep trying. I care about you and wish you the best!

Also, your husband sounds very selfish and ignorant when it comes to your mental health. I don't agree with depressedalaskan about "men do need sex, if you can give him a little" I don't think you should give him a little when he can't try to make an effort to give you a little support. Sounds very vindictive but it just makes me angry that women always have to put men's needs before their's. I do agree that you guys have to have a serious talk about this. I hope he realizes how bad you're hurting and shows a little support. Good luck!

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Honestly I'm with pisces22 about the husband! Even consdering his side, as I did before, he is definitely out of line.

That does sound like an isolating lonely situation. Is there anyway you can get some support so you are not all alone in this with your kids?

I want to respond to the part about my husband being my "best friend" and how I should "give him a little" in particular.
My husband is not my best friend. He is actually a large part of my 'problem'. As stated earlier, he is out of state on business...and for that I am thankful. You see, he is of the mindset that our marriage license is essentially a title of ownership...such as with a registered dog or horse. When he is around, there is no "choice" when he decides he wants sex. I can go through the motions willingly or he will take what he wants by force and 'remind' me that it's part of my duty as a wife. He knew of my history of childhood abuse and he took advantage of that knowledge. I am not blind to what he is or what he's done to me...but I know no other way of life. The unknown is much more terrifying than what I've learned to expect.
As for making a list of things to accomplish daily...I think you may have a good idea there. I don't know how successful I will be, but maybe being able to check even basic things (shower, feed kids, etc) off will help me to get through each day with some slight sense of accomplishment.
I do appreciate your thoughts, along with everyone else's that chose to respond. I know I am in a very bad place right now mentally. I am just trying to make it through each day for my kids. I know I'm not much good to them in my condition, but I also know they wouldn't understand why I chose to end my life if I followed through on that. The last thing I want is for them to think they were at fault in any way whatsoever.

((Whoaminoone))

I'm really glad you responded (Whoaminoone)!! I've been stuck on your post since I read it. I really hope you get through this, and I really hope to help!!

I'm isolated too,since 20 yo till now i am living into isolation.

I have nobody to do anything this summer again,go nowhere and isolated in my room hoping for nothing.I'm so frustrated i can't do a step forward.

Please understand that you are not alone in feelings of isolation. You do have your children and they are there with you and need you.

I understand how it feels that sometimes you don't want to do the things that are needed when kids want something or there is something, like cooking, etc. you feel you have to do.

I too live in what was considered the country, but it has grown some over the years. I have no friends, my only family, a sister lives in another state and now, doesn't even answer my emails.

I have two dogs and a horse and sometimes my dogs will want something and I get aggravated with them, even though I know they don't understand how I am feeling. I start feeling guilty afterward because I love them and if I yelled at them it was not fair of me.
My animals are my saving grace so to speak, I love them dearly and would never hurt them in anyway. They are my only company and I know they love and depend on me.

The only time I actually see anyone is when I go to the store, which is not something I like to do, I've never been a person who liked to shop for anything.

I have found that I will talk to some of the store employees and make jokes with them, but then I go home and feel sooner or later start feeling like there is no one who cares enough to just talk to me.

In the past I have been asked by an acquiescence to do something, but I just can't seem to make myself.

I tell myself I will go and I know one day, if anyone ever asks again, I will go if for no other reason just to see how I feel about it.

When I get really depressed I try to think of someone to call and there is no one.
The one person who knows what's going on recently told me, over the phone after we talked, "I need to go, I'll talk to you sometime later in the week or next week.", I take that to mean don't call for awhile.

I'm doing my best to think differently and make myself feel better, because that's what it's all about.

Just remember you are not alone, I have learned there are more people than I would have thought who live in some form of isolation.

If you want to talk just send me a message and I'll be happy to listen.

Is there someone who escaped from isolation and loneliness so far? I need to fix my sociality and communication.

Anyone??

I am doing it through therapy, medication, and also i am learning to adapt to the new way society is and to build "family" around me. It is not easy but it is not impossible, either. One has to be proactive. I could not do it alone, I am having professional help, I wish you well and hope you find your own path

I wish I knew how to do that Sacred Path. I am stuck with the isolation as well.

Whats the reasons of your isolation,it was isolation by choice or you believe some people around you they betrayed you or abandoned.

There are many reasons. There have been times in my life I have chosen to isolate myself. I had a lot of social anxiety in my adolescence and twenties. So I didn't develop any relationships. Now since I don't really have any friends it becomes very difficult to meet anybody since many of the people we may meet are friends of friends. Another reason why I remain isolated is that i have spent a huge chunk of my life in depression. The negative affect depression produces does not help create a good first impression.

I know how it is,when you can't have friends from early years of school,university etc,its difficult to make or keep friendships later,when there is no backround before.So self isolation is like defence.

Thats pretty much it. But also some betrayed and abandoned.

I feel that self isolation is a way of defence trying to hide all the negative things you may believe other ppl see up on you.I always looked embarrassed out there..