[LynneH]

I was raise with religion, but I lost it as a teenager when my first boyfriend assaults me and my depression starts. I was bullied at church, at school by the students and staff. As a teenager I did attempt to end things, and when that didn't work I promised not to attempt again, for which I have kept this promise. As a teenager I was sent to a couple different therapists, and all they would do is threaten me with locking me away.

My depression wasn't too bad at this time going into my twenties, I got married but that was a mistake and a lie. He was verbally abuse and I was scared he was going to start physically abusing me, he was threatening to put me in a mental hospital. I really thought I found the love of my life and although we have been divorced for 7 yrs I haven't recovered.

After the divorce I tried to go out with people I thought were friend and as throughout my life, people I think are my friends aren't; they steal from me, lie, and are never there. Well, a couple years after the divorce I went on a date and the guy drugged me. I have always been careful to not leave my drink unattended, so not sure how it happened.

All my life I have had to battle health problems. I was stalked a few times in high school, plus assaulted, bullied, I get bullied at work now and that my boss has screamed and yelled at me. I tell HR but it doesn't matter. I am so alone at work and at home. All I do is go to work and then go home. I just try to keep to myself at work but that just isn't good enough. I say I want to learn and better myself but I am not allowed but yet my boss yells at me "Take Controls of Your Life!" It is so hard everyday, multiple times a day having thoughts to end yourself, trying not to act on them, not to cry and yet so scared to talked to anyone because you don't want to be locked away.

I am drowning in debt just to pay bills, I tried to find a cheaper apartment but everything around that is cheaper is not save as neighborhood or the building. I have an apartment I feel save at, so I can stay here, but still owe so much money, I do not eat every day. I work 50+ hrs a week, have no hobbies, suffer from terrible migraines. I know all this just compounds the issues…stress triggers depression more. I do not get to live, I am just trying to survive.

[kaliope]

hi lynne
I am sorry to hear you are struggling so. don't give up hope. I too lived a horrible life for 30 years battling depression and abuse and fearing I was going to be locked away...and then I did get locked up...but then I got on meds and they worked and I got stable and my life completely turned around. I no longer want to die every waking moment. welcome to psych central. you will find that we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[pisces22]

I'm sorry you've suffered so much in your life. I hope things get better soon! And welcome to PC.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Born2Fly71]

Originally Posted by LynneH

I was raise with religion, but I lost it as a teenager when my first boyfriend assaults me and my depression starts. I was bullied at church, at school by the students and staff. As a teenager I did attempt to end things, and when that didn't work I promised not to attempt again, for which I have kept this promise. As a teenager I was sent to a couple different therapists, and all they would do is threaten me with locking me away.

My depression wasn't too bad at this time going into my twenties, I got married but that was a mistake and a lie. He was verbally abuse and I was scared he was going to start physically abusing me, he was threatening to put me in a mental hospital. I really thought I found the love of my life and although we have been divorced for 7 yrs I haven't recovered.

After the divorce I tried to go out with people I thought were friend and as throughout my life, people I think are my friends aren't; they steal from me, lie, and are never there. Well, a couple years after the divorce I went on a date and the guy drugged me. I have always been careful to not leave my drink unattended, so not sure how it happened.

All my life I have had to battle health problems. I was stalked a few times in high school, plus assaulted, bullied, I get bullied at work now and that my boss has screamed and yelled at me. I tell HR but it doesn't matter. I am so alone at work and at home. All I do is go to work and then go home. I just try to keep to myself at work but that just isn't good enough. I say I want to learn and better myself but I am not allowed but yet my boss yells at me "Take Controls of Your Life!" It is so hard everyday, multiple times a day having thoughts to end yourself, trying not to act on them, not to cry and yet so scared to talked to anyone because you don't want to be locked away.

I am drowning in debt just to pay bills, I tried to find a cheaper apartment but everything around that is cheaper is not save as neighborhood or the building. I have an apartment I feel save at, so I can stay here, but still owe so much money, I do not eat every day. I work 50+ hrs a week, have no hobbies, suffer from terrible migraines. I know all this just compounds the issues…stress triggers depression more. I do not get to live, I am just trying to survive.

LynneH, I can certainly empathize with your feelings, but please do not try to hurt yourself! My ex-gf tried to end it all with a gun in my bed. She later told me that she wanted me to find her when I got home from work. It is the most horrible feeling I have ever had to go through. She went through with the act and survived with no visible damage. I have to deal with this every minute of every day, and it causes unimaginable depression and pain for me to know that she moved on and found someone new. I feel your pain and I care! You are special and loved. Always believe that!

[LynneH]

Thank you kaliope. I am hoping this site helps.

Thank you Born2Fly71. I am sorry about your ex and that she did that to you. I am not going to hurt myself even though the thoughts keep running though my head. I feel as if I am always going to be alone.

[Born2Fly71]

Originally Posted by LynneH

Thank you kaliope. I am hoping this site helps.

Thank you Born2Fly71. I am sorry about your ex and that she did that to you. I am not going to hurt myself even though the thoughts keep running though my head. I feel as if I am always going to be alone.

I am of the firm belief that 90% of us have a broken inner child that is invisible to us most of the time. Recognizing the pain of that inner child; and then healing it is the most important and difficult step in finding happiness. It is so easy to get pushed around in life, and then let it overcome you. I am just now beginning to focus on that healing. The inner child drives our lives. When it is broken, it drives the worst kind of pain. That pain has to be healed. You are not always going to be alone and pushed around and taken advantage of. Heal the inner child. Look back at your worst memory(s), and write them down. You may have to search hard, but when you find them, you can heal, and life will move in the right direction.

[A.Lone]

I've read some of your postings and can DEFINITELY relate to what you're going through. Work can be tough, especially that many hours. I get up every morning, go though the motions, and am sure my cat is tired of me asking her to go in for me. Who knows what animals understand, but I know that I have NO IDEA what she's saying to me. There's no one at work I can trust, so I'm forced to keep my "gripes" to myself.

Working that many hours is also tough in finding friends or activities to do. When you're alone it seems people have got their own lives or their own problems to deal with, so it can be tough to find new friends/people to do things with. And it's tough forcing yourself to go out by yourself with no one to enjoy activities with.

It's also tough seeing others enjoying life (real people, tv, movies) when you're just going through the motions, often faking it, just to exist from day to day. We see others being happy, why can't we feel the same way?

I go to a depression support group but feel limited in what I can say; others there have got things worse than me. For example it doesn't feel "right" complaining about a job when others when others don't or can't work, but want to.

Sorry this reply doesn't give you much encouragement, but at least it's from someone who can relate to what you're experiencing. Feel free to send me a PM if you want to. The infamous "they" say misery loves company. Maybe our misery can help each other with ideas.

[LynneH]

A.Lone thank you, it is nice to hear people understand and can relate; to offer supportive suggestions.

I know, it is very difficult at work, besides just dealing with women in general is hard enough but as everyone has kids, married or in a serious relationship, they can't relate to me being single and childless so its even more of a reason for them to not bother with me. All day long they just talk about their families and I have nothing to contribute. Women who don't have children are forced to relate but we can't contribute and women who have children don't want to talk or try to relate to childless women. Its more of a reason to just keep to myself. Its hard to socialize anyway when all the work gets dumped on me anyway.

The few hobbies I use to have, really weren't hobbies that you socialize. The first was riflery, which I did since a child but haven't done in a few years. The second was equestrian, and I had a horse, but she died a year after my divorce and haven't ridden since. Where I live now, these things are not am option for me to do.

[ashland]

i wish you the best dear. please get better.

[Fuzzybear]

[nummy]

Oh, I am really sorry you are hurting.

Have you sought counseling and meds for the PTSD?

Can you go on payment plans to help with the bills? Take a deep breath. You are to be commended for working through this. Your boss is a jerk, but then , most bosses are. He just wants you to get better so he can do less work!

I have an idea or two that might help you out. Google "mental health advocate" plus your state. I'm on board with one, and they offered a lot of help. The one in my state is run through Legal Aid (really).

Also--and I mean this--if depression is crippling you, and affecting your job, maybe vocational rehab can help!! I worked with depression--45-50 hours a week-- and never knew I was eligible for their services. It does help to have doctor back ups. But wow!! They can put me through school if I want to find another (better paying, less stressful) job.

You need to use the kind of strength you show on the job to reach out off the job for some help. You can do it, I know you can.

And hey, guess what!! I'm single and childless and can relate sooo much. Yea, it's tough, isn't it? Like you're seen as more selfish. Lol!!! Yet who gets asked to stay late or work holidays? We do!! At least I USED to!! I was assertive about asking for good vacation times. It's a win-win. I'm not resentful, and my boss gets a better worker.

PS. I never recommend meds but just wanted you to know I feel like a new person since going on Abilify. It took my body a lot to get used to. I also went through an intensive outpatient program at a local hospital and it was awesome. If you have vacation coming I really wonder if you could spend that time in an IOP program.

If you can't find the ability to even do these things then I would consider being hospitalized for a few days just to give your brain a rest and get some good meds and therapy. You sound like you've been hurting a long time. I wish you well, and send you lots and lots of hugs!!

PS: Hell won't freeze over if you refuse some of the work in an assertive way. Say to the boss "I know you think a lot of me because you trust me with extra work, but Please get (so n so) to take up some extra work, too." He'll respect you for speaking up no matter WHAT he decides!!!!!

And give your coworkers something to relate to!! Recipes?? Memories of your childhood?? Pets?? A movie? These women are in a clique. You don't want to be their friend, but I keep hearing "self-isolating" and it makes me wonder if these women think you prefer it that way.

[LynneH]

Thank you all. I know and just always keep telling myself to take one day at a time. Some days are just better, and worse then others. Each day brings its ups and downs; I try and handle as best as I can. Thats all we can do. I understand that somedays we are able to take 2 steps forward and the next we go back 10; its hard doing this strange dance never feeling like getting ahead, but maybe just maybe one day we will have more forwards than backs.

[nummy]

Originally Posted by LynneH

Thank you all. I know and just always keep telling myself to take one day at a time. Some days are just better, and worse then others. Each day brings its ups and downs; I try and handle as best as I can. Thats all we can do. I understand that somedays we are able to take 2 steps forward and the next we go back 10; its hard doing this strange dance never feeling like getting ahead, but maybe just maybe one day we will have more forwards than backs.

Just be careful not to measure your steps against somebody else's. Try and take pride in the little things: getting up for work, doing your hair nice, cinnamon in your coffee. Notice and reflect as these things happen.

Today, I'm going to work. I'm tired, but I'm going to work. I'm apprehensive but I'm going out the door. Life is going to be ok.

[A.Lone]

Nummy,
I'm posting this here because many may want to know. What exactly (more or less) does a mental health advocate do? I looked it up for my state and it appears to be more on the legal side and self help. What I'm looking for is a "shrink" or counselor who has evening and/or week-end hours. Can an advocate help in that area?

Thanks!

[LynneH]

nummy its sad that my boss is actually a woman. We have a program called Womans Growth Network but she seems to do everything against it. Every time I show leadership skills, being assertive, show initiative, interest in learning I am attacked and cut down at the knees for it. I them do the opposite and get attacked for that. My boss just doesn't like me. Now being attacked for all the hours I do, getting the work done and doesn't want to listen to anything I say. I can't help but toss my hands up.

I try and watch a lot of comedy to help and boost my moody. I really like John Oliver. lol I am cutting my hours at work, and my boss can shove it! **** don't get done, well thats your fault for not listening!!

nummy, thank you for the advise. I do appreciate it!

All I hear all day long is kids this, kids that. Its bad when grown *** women (in their 30s, every time they have to go to the bathroom say "I have to go peepee" really? You have to say that every time, not even 'I have to use the restroom' They discuss in detail (bodily) of issues of their kids, everyday! I am not shy or grossed out, but just TIRED of hearing it! Women who are married with or without kids and women who have kids all bond and shun single women. Anytime you listen to their conversations there is nothing single women can contribute as it is ALL about their child or hubby did this or that. I feel like the intelligence is oozing out my ears and I am getting dumber by the day.

A couple co-workers here and there I will talk about recipes, about our cats and make jokes at times.

[nummy]

Originally Posted by A.Lone

Nummy,
I'm posting this here because many may want to know. What exactly (more or less) does a mental health advocate do? I looked it up for my state and it appears to be more on the legal side and self help. What I'm looking for is a "shrink" or counselor who has evening and/or week-end hours. Can an advocate help in that area?

Thanks!

Hi!
A mental health advocate is a go between between you and mental health services. Sometimes they offer legal help, but sometimes they "know the ropes" and can tell you where to turn. They're like a cross between a social worker and a paralegal. Mine has a masters degree and really knows her stuff. She's helping me with other services offered by legal aid, like credit report help. Who knew?

I got into an Intensive Outpatient Program thru my local hospital. All hospitals have social workers, too. You can always try and ask them their advice. Good luck!

[nummy]

Originally Posted by LynneH

nummy its sad that my boss is actually a woman. We have a program called Womans Growth Network but she seems to do everything against it. Every time I show leadership skills, being assertive, show initiative, interest in learning I am attacked and cut down at the knees for it. I them do the opposite and get attacked for that. My boss just doesn't like me. Now being attacked for all the hours I do, getting the work done and doesn't want to listen to anything I say. I can't help but toss my hands up.

I try and watch a lot of comedy to help and boost my moody. I really like John Oliver. lol I am cutting my hours at work, and my boss can shove it! **** don't get done, well thats your fault for not listening!!

nummy, thank you for the advise. I do appreciate it!

All I hear all day long is kids this, kids that. Its bad when grown *** women (in their 30s, every time they have to go to the bathroom say "I have to go peepee" really? You have to say that every time, not even 'I have to use the restroom' They discuss in detail (bodily) of issues of their kids, everyday! I am not shy or grossed out, but just TIRED of hearing it! Women who are married with or without kids and women who have kids all bond and shun single women. Anytime you listen to their conversations there is nothing single women can contribute as it is ALL about their child or hubby did this or that. I feel like the intelligence is oozing out my ears and I am getting dumber by the day.


A couple co-workers here and there I will talk about recipes, about our cats and make jokes at times.

Haha, I'd ask them if they had a life before kids. They sound almost pathetic.

And now I suspect I know why your boss hates you: without kids, you're more free to climb the corporate ladder!! She's tearing you down because she sees you as the competition!! Why is that? You are obviously not giving yourself any credit. Hold your head up and stick up for yourself! Call her on it!! "I'm sorry that I intimidate you, but it's NOT my job to be the outlet for your frustrations!!"

Lol. Watch how her attitude changes. She'll be reminded if how weak she sounds every time she goes off on you!! You go, girl!!

And there's always HR-- where I would repeat those same words!!

[Bolivar83]

Dear Lynne H: I am so sorry that so much is going on for you right now. I can hear the frustration and pain in your words... so glad you decided to post here. I have found the forums here so supportive and encouraging. I hope you find it so, too.

Have you considered speaking with a therapist, counselor to help you sort things out? You have had so much to deal with, past AND present, that I can see how overwhelming this is becoming for you. Maybe there are other community resources they can point you towards, such as debt counseling or just someone to listen.

You impress me - despite so many difficulties, you are holding down a full-time+ job, are responsible and independent. Your strength really comes through.

Please take care; I hope you will continue to post & tell how you are feeling, and what kind of feedback is most helpful for you right now.

- Bolivar

[LynneH]

Every day is challenging and I have had so many downs not to say other people haven't had it worse than me. I know that my life even with all its problems there have and are people worse off.

I work hard to try and find the person I use to be, who use to always smile and laugh. Just a weird example: Many years ago I was helping my parents take care of a cat and it bit my finger almost to the bone on a Sunday. Well I went to work the next day finger all wrapped up and more than twice the size. The moment my boss came in, I went to her laughing and before I could say anything she asked why my finger was wrapped. As I hold my wrapped finger in the air, laughing I said to her "Can I leave early to go to the doctors as i might have rabies" She did let me leave early and then I came back and no I didn't have rabies.

I have always tried to find humor (which is strength) in my health problems but over the years it has been more difficult finding that humor. Not always do people understand or get the sense of humor and they tend to find me odd. I fall a lot, cry a lot but still try and find just some strength in me to keep moving forward. I try and read inspirational quote as help as well.