[samuli]

Hi,

Couple of hours ago I found myself looking at my very large stash of painkillers and wondering would it be a painless way to kill myself. Just to die in a opiate haze. It was just a passing thought but I've had such thoughts more often then I would like to admit. My mother woke me up this morning and said ''Put on a happy face to your nephew's christening ceremony for god's sake. It's time for you to get over things. You can't keep thinking about past forever.'' So my morning wasn't exactly the best..

My parents are much happier if I just pretend to be happy, so that is what I've been doing. It is just becoming harder and harder to fake happiness every day.. I feel like nobody understands that you can't just get over horrible traumas in a couple of therapy sessions.

I think I've also been disassociating. I just hate the person I've become. Why can't I be that smart and successful young person I once were? Simply getting out of bed has become a great challenge nowadays. I've been sleeping up to 16 hours a day.

My physical illness has also been getting a lot worse recently. I may only have 10-15 years to live (I'm 20). I'm also losing my hearing. I hate to say it, but I'm seeing less and less reasons to live anymore. I also agreed to an experimental treatment protocol a year ago and now I find myself subconsciously hoping that I die as a result of that treatment...

[inkyj]

Originally Posted by samuli

Hi,

Couple of hours ago I found myself looking at my very large stash of painkillers and wondering would it be a painless way to kill myself. Just to die in a opiate haze. It was just a passing thought but I've had such thoughts more often then I would like to admit. My mother woke me up this morning and said ''Put on a happy face to your nephew's christening ceremony for god's sake. It's time for you to get over things. You can't keep thinking about past forever.'' So my morning wasn't exactly the best..

My parents are much happier if I just pretend to be happy, so that is what I've been doing. It is just becoming harder and harder to fake happiness every day.. I feel like nobody understands that you can't just get over horrible traumas in a couple of therapy sessions.

I think I've also been disassociating. I just hate the person I've become. Why can't I be that smart and successful young person I once were? Simply getting out of bed has become a great challenge nowadays. I've been sleeping up to 16 hours a day.

My physical illness has also been getting a lot worse recently. I may only have 10-15 years to live (I'm 20). I'm also losing my hearing. I hate to say it, but I'm seeing less and less reasons to live anymore. I also agreed to an experimental treatment protocol a year ago and now I find myself subconsciously hoping that I die as a result of that treatment...

Hi samuli. Just curious, what type of illness do you have? And may I also ask what happened in the past?

[pisces22]

I'm sorry things are really bad right now. I know it's not easy but please keep trying. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish, you shouldn't fake being happy for your parents happiness. Show them what you're really feeling inside, let them see how bad you're hurting. My dad couldn't understand at first and was really hard on me but I've gotten so bad and he's now aware that this is serious. I'm sure they care for you but sometimes they can be really ignorant. You're not alone in this. Good luck

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[BlueMoonBlueEarth]

I'm no expert on suicide, but I don't think there is such a thing as suicide without pain. Just now I looked up suicide by painkiller overdose and it ironically sounds like a very painful way to die, like how a softball is hard.

Your parents shouldn't demand that you feel something that you don't. Saying "put on a happy face to your nephew's christening ceremony for God's sake. It's time for you to get over things. You can't keep thinking about the past forever" sounds very demanding and disrespectful. You should show and tell them how you really feel, as pisces22 said. When I first became depressed, I bottled my emotions inside for over a year before I broke under the pressure. As your parents, they should understand at least some of your pain. I am sure that they do love you and will try to help you.

I'm really sorry about you only having 10–15 years to live, and about your deteriorating hearing too. Mid 30's is too young to die. By the bye, what is this experimental treatment you speak of that you hope kills you?

[samuli]

Hi,

I have extremely rare form of osteogenesis imperfecta that pretty much causes my connective tissue to be extremely soft. It mainly affects my bones, joints and ears, but lately it has also started to affect my heart. I'm part of a study that plans to use stem cell transplantation to prolong my life and replenish my bone cells. Part of that treatment also involves chemo- and hormone therapy and total body irradiation.

I'm just slowly losing my will to live. Most of my traumas are related to various accidents and surgeries. I kept everything bad that happened inside for nearly my entire life. I think that is why my parents were so surprised that I'm not okay.

[dandylin]

I'm sorry. I can relate in some ways to how you're feeling.

[Pierro]

Its actually a very painful way to die. (((Samuli)))

Its an incredibly painful way to die; swells your brain, kills your livers, gives you stomach agony, seizures, migraines, dizziness, extreme vomiting and in some cases paralysis and brain damage.
You are in a really bad place + need some support definitely. Are you in therapy? If you are, could you ring your T or arrange an emergency session?

[depressedalaskan]

(((samuli))) Suggestion: Give someone your pills and have them give them to you when you need them. That way you can't look at them. When depression first set in for me I had to have my friend come and get my guns. So I wouldn't look at them and think about, you know.
They are doing so many things with stem cell research maybe this treatment will work. I sure hope that it does. Please keep posting.

[Davyblues]

Samuli you joined this site because you are a fighter and yes to understand what you are going through is impossible but there are others in the same boat with no family (who love you and would be dead without you) no access to Internet and no partners. My friend finished chemo last week he has a few months to live at 30 years old. For us we take every day as if the world is ending in 3 months and be it a walk a coffee a laugh we just enjoy life as best we can. I was at my friends funeral on Sat who died after a chronic disability that stopped him ever having a partner (59) or a good job or any academic qualifications.
He got an Olympic Gold medal in the Paralympics and it was out on his coffin. This illness you have is like a weight around your ankle but your heart will get you to the top of any mountain. Go and get it help others and make your family happy do it for them.
And take tomorrow as the start of your new life and when you see that view it is truly beautiful and I know you can achieve Gold like my friend Jimmy did.
Depression is hard but depression can bring the best driven individuals to make music, friendship, business a success more so than someone who is not normal or otherwise known as not Depressed.
Every negative has a positive and every action a reaction. For you and us and your family make positive decisions/actions and I know you can do whatever you decide to focus on.
Take care
Davyblues

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[samuli]

Sorry for a little late reply. I've been slightly better for a few days. Talking to my T helped a little. I did give my meds to my sister a while back, but I had to ask them back because I need a boatload of meds every day and it's very inconvenient to go 15 miles to pick them up. Well that was at least a part of the reason.. I know how this sounds but there is something oddly comforting about having an ''emergency exit'' couple feet from you...

My ptsd reared it's ugly head today. I had to go to a place with a lot of very traumatic memories and I experienced very disturbing flashbacks. I had a panic attack the minute I got out of that place. On the other hand I did get some positive news about my health today. It appears that the first phase of my treatment might actually be working.

[Davyblues]

That's great news your treatment is working well done and it will continue to get better.
Panic attacks are terrible and debilitating but you too have burst through a wall your mind was stuck behind and the road now is clear and fresh for you to continue forward and get better.
Well done

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[samuli]

I had a couple of horrible days.. My family has a tradition of throwing a huge ''party'' on midsummer's eve. Participation is of course mandatory for me and my sister. I've had a rough week anyways and having to interact with like 40 people and pretending that everything is perfect in my life almost made me collapse. I did manage to get through the day but I had a huge panic attack/crying episode when I finally had a couple of minutes to myself. I even self harmed... I'm just feeling shame, worthlessness and total despair. How can't I even manage to pretend that everything is okay for 1 freaking day...

I probably appeared quite rude because I did my best to avoid long conversations. I guess I was afraid that people would realize my real feelings.. I feel like I'm on the brink of major collapse. I can hardly breathe because of the anxiety and depression.. Meds are doing nothing for me. I thing I might end up in a psych ward if this continues.