[breemarie]

Depression has destroyed my life. I am so tired of feeling this way. Every morning when I wake up I am disgusted that I didn't die in my sleep. I feel bad thinking that way because I don't want my bf to have to deal with that. But I do wish I would just get sick and die in the hospital. I feel that is the only way I will have peace. It is painful to have to feel that way every day. My therapist wants to know what I want out of life and what can I do to get it. I don't have a clue at this point. I don't feel capable of changing things. I am too overwhelmed and too deep into the hole. My fears of change, of moving forward, of taking risks have made me unable to do anything except hang my head in shame and stay to myself. I don't expect anyone to have answers for me, I just need to vent.

[Christina86]

(((((((((((breemarie)))))))))))))

I do understand the feeling, it seems so hard to do anything to get out of the hole.

Take care of yourself and if I can do anything, PM me.

[pamelasu]

Don't give up! There is hope still! You just have to find what interests you and go for it!

[(JD)]

I'm sorry to hear you are in such a dark place. Please do try to work with your T. Try to find things to distract yourself and not give in to the feelings... it won't always be this dark if you keep trying. ((hugs)))

[jacq10]

((((((((((((((breemarie))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry to hear that things are so bad for you right now ... and when you're feeling at your worst, and like you don't want to be here, just think of those people in your life that mean alot to you ... think about how much you mean to them ... and just hold on tight. You can do this, you can get through it. Be open with your T and those you trust.
Take care of yourself
Jacq

[Forsaken]

I just wanted you to know that I'm always available for venting sessions. This may be a stupid suggestion (Because everyone's depression is not the same), but I find sleep to be a huge factor in whether or not I'm uber depressed the next day or not. Not to mention, a regular sleep schedule. Surprisingly routine can be amazing. Though it's hard for the first bit, it eventually becomes easy. This is all a bit hypocritical though, as I cannot adhere to my own advice. Sorry about this response, it might have just made you mad.

breemarie

snap! i used t feel that same way, so i know exactly what you mean, except i didnt have a partner by my side. i had no one.

every new day that you wake up, is a new day full of new hope. dont worry if you go to bed at night not achieving anything, you will have another chance tomorrow. there is a reason you are still alive, and that you havent died yet. you just dont know it yet, emphasis on the word "yet".

keep active, keep doing things you enjoy, it could be something very simple, or something big! whatever it is just do it, and look forward to it too. treat yourself occasionally. pamper yourself. give yourself a compliment once in a while. but always tell yourself that you will defeat this depression, it wont win over you. you are too strong.

focus on the depression and once that begins clearing, you will see the way to the things you are destined to do in life. live with hope. all you need to do right now is admit and accept that change NEEDS to happen, its as black and white as that. you need to change things to defeat this. and change is good soemtimes, especially in this situation.

you might not know it but you are changing already. you are posting about your depression, thats a great thing. congratulate yourself for that, and keep it up. you'll get there soon, i promise. just keep working at it. it is hard work admittedly, but the rewards are endless and are ultimately the best thing, the best feelings.

im here if you need me,ok. anythign i can do, just let me know.

simon

[Fuzzybear]

I understand how you feel. Please keep trying and keep doing things you enjoy or that you used to enjoy. Try some new things too... a little at a time. Everything in life involves some risk.... even doing nothing. Posting here is a great step towards helping yourself.....You deserve the best in life and if you keep trying and working with your therapist, things will get better. I send you all my support

Sleep is very important. like someone else said, also exercise if you can, and keeping regular hours..... most of all, you are important and worth the work involved in feeling better!

I also found medication extremely helpful. I had no motivation to do the things I enjoyed in the past, because they were meaningless. I couldn't achieve anything in my day & had no motivation to do all the things people would tell me to do to lift the depression--like exercise, get out of the house, keep a schedule, etc. That just made me feel worse about myself. I was then not only depressed, but felt lazy. I had to have medication pull me out of it. Then I could start practicing the self-care that improved my quality of life. There is hope. We can all attest to that.--Suzy

[desperado]

I know exactly how you feel, bree.....I am going through the EXACT feelings & thoughts that you express myself. If I sleep, I wake up feeling so angry that I haven't died in my sleep - that's how crazy-depressed I feel. It's like there's no end in sight, eh? No more will or energy left to fight this horrible beast. I am sooooo fed up w/ depression & feeling so horrible about myself, too. I told this to two close friends the other day & they both said, "Well, I know you can get better.....there is always a way...perhaps a different path this time." They were/are very supportive - and one suffers from bipolar (who, by the way, is doing a lot better than 5 years ago) - so what I try to do is believe them, believe their faith in me, their faith that I will get better. B/c I really can't get much worse.

It's really nice that you have a bf....I don't - haven't had too many ltr b/c of this damn depression - but I'm sure he really cares about you.

Also - just a thought - but, perhaps write down what your greatest fears are re: change, moving forward, taking risks, etc. Try to have someone supportive go over them w/ you & put these in perspective. Remember that we all as human beings are scared over many things....one thing I've learned is that so many ppl who I thought were the most confident, happy & assured ppl are afraid & insecure (perhaps a little less than you & I, but nonetheless). I guess most ppl can hide it, or some a lot better than others.

I once read this quote - and it effected me so much that I memorized it (which is huge b/c I have a terrible memory a lot of times): The degree to which you fear the future is equal to the degree you fear giving up the past. I know that hits home for me.

Hang in there.....hope this helps.

d

[breemarie]

Thanks everyone for your support and kind words and advice. I'm sorry that I am not replying to each and every one of you seperately but I am very grateful for your compassion. I guess we do have to be there for one another because people that are not going through it may not be as compassionate or understanding and most will try to keep their distance. I will take all of your suggestions into consideration. About sleep, I have great difficulty getting a good nights sleep. I have ambien which is about to run out and I take benadryl with the ambien because benadryl does nothing on its own for me. But even with those meds I still toss and turn and wake up alot. It probably does contribute to my mood. I went to the therapist today and I feel somewhat better that I at least made an effort to go and I see the Dr. tomorrow. I am just trying to get through each day but its so hard. I have alot going on and I am just overwhelmed. But again, I appreciate you all and I'm so thankful that I found this site.

Much Love,

Bree Marie.