Am I a Broken Recorder?

I'm preaching to myself without practicing.
I finally got to the point where I want to get help. I understand I need help to feel something else other then pain.

However as of yet I haven't done so and I cannot see myself doing so in the near future. I feel like I'm a hypocrite, a broken machine, I keep repeating the same stuff but when it comes down to it I do nothing. I don't have the grit to do so.

I'm annoyed at myself that I can't reign this in and just deal with it on my own rather then writing this. Ugh now it sounds like a teenager b**ching and pitying. This was not the point. It was supposed to be an intelligent observation. Yea right, me and an intelligent observation = laughing matter.

Hello, Idiot17. Talk to your primary care physician about a referral for an evaluation and any treatment indicated. Putting off help you want to get simply is counterproductive.

Sometimes you have to give yourself an incentive...eg. If I schedule an appointment, I'll treat myself to sushi.

(((((((( Idiot17 ))))))))

I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this---but I have found Prochaska's Trans-theoretical Model of Change helpful. It will tell you NO. You are simply at a certain place in the change process (and the stages can go out of order, or fall back and forward over time) What this guy did was: he studied theories on how people change, and picked out the commonalities in all the theories; using this be built a model that sounds long-winded but is pretty straight forward. No one is a "loser", no one is in the "wrong place"...and the goal of someone helping people to change is to know where the person is at, and to offer only those strategies that are useful to the person at that particular stage. He did put this into a popular book that is called, I believe "Changing for Good".
Just one more resource.

All the angst we have with ourselves and trying to push and shove ourselves in one direction or another as our head decides we'd like -- you get older (I'm in my 60s) and realize it was pretty much a waste of time. If you do/do not do something, leave yourself alone, you'll do/not do something else when it is right for you. I'm not saying wait for "inspiration" (which never comes :-) just don't beat yourself up. Instead look for ways to help yourself. It's like worry, it's always about the future and we can't know the future so it is kind of a waste of time? If you are worried about something you look for ways to help yourself so you don't have to worry, not worry about being worried If you don't like the pain, you look for something that might help ease it. Right now going to the doctor or a therapist, etc. might just be a bit much and cause more pain but maybe taking a shower, going for a walk, just "sitting" outside in the sun for a couple minutes, watching the world go by might help. Maybe go get yourself an ice cream?

Thanks Perna...I'm nearly 50 and still filled with that angst, and haven't quite figured out how to stop beating myself up...by the way, Idiot17, I don't think you sound like a "teenager b**ching and pitying"...it is, I think, the reality of depression that does this to us (or at least it does to me).

Me, too

((((((Idiot17)))))) For years I found a way to muddle through and avoid the system altogether. I never believed I was happy, I just couldn't face the process of getting help. Now I realise I need help, I accepted my GP's referral to the MH team, I co-operated with their assessment only to be told that because I've muddled through all these years and stayed safe there's no service for me. I understand how hard it is to motivate oneself to get the right help and hope that you find the strength you need for this.

Thanks for the reference Winter, you have shared this book with me in the past and I actually went to get it but I never had the nerve to read it. I'm not sure why but I'm scared to pick it up and actually read.

Like the way you put that down. Taking a walk or reading or anything else I've enjoyed doesn't work for me any longer. The depression and questioning about life just gets worse. So if I just don't do anything for these 'thoughts' and 'feelings' I'll get by the same way I did for the past 20 years. Only question is if I still have the strength for that.

As i think i told you before, for me, as I have a kind of phobia to doctors, the only thing that is making some difference in my life at the present moment is having pets. I enjoy their companion and also I need to get out of bed to feed them, etc, even when I am at my lowest point. I know it may be just a temporary thing. Perhaps it is not helpful at all, but I just wanted to share this with you. Wish you the best

Thanks Clara. Pets aren't an option since my family wouldn't allow it. And even if they would ( which isnt possible) I don't have the strength for yet another responsibility.

I understand, idiot 17, but just to clarify, I got the pets impulsively, did not think much about responsibility, in fact sometimes I regret because every single tiny responsibility stresses me very much. But, at the end of the day, the pet stuff is working. But, as you say, it is a dangerous path if your family does not want a pet :-(