[SoupDragon]

It has been 4 years and 4 months and most days l have sui thoughts. l try to pretend they are not there to others, that fake smile and laugh that makes them suspect nothing. But it is actually really tiring having these images / thoughts. It is like they trip me up when l forget about them for a while. It is hard not sharing them also, it is not something you can talk to family and friends about and actually it stops me wanting to see anyone.

l know l have to probably accept they are now part of me and they will always be there, but today that feels really hard to do.

How do others deal with it and the feelings of having to endure a life that seems so pointless?

[glok]

Hello, SoupDragon. I think you understand there are problems to deal with if you are to have a meaningful life. If you cannot make the changes, then perhaps professional help is paramount.

I wish you well.

As someone who has dealt with depression far longer than 4 years, I'm hesitant to even respond to this. I don't want my experience to discourage you. Just because it's been an almost lifelong struggle for me doesn't mean it will be for you.
I had some supportive family members and a small group of very good friends who played a big part but the main thing that sustained me was my dream/goal. I wanted to at least accomplish a part of it. I did. I didn't accomplish what I wanted to accomplish but I got fairly close at times. I lost huge chunks out of my life but then there were also times when I could at least get a taste of fulfilling my dream.
My biggest regret now is not trying harder. More specifically of not being willing to risk the humiliation of a public breakdown.
As for suicidal thoughts... I guess that the positive things mentioned above helped some. Also the fear of death. The question of whether my death would have a net positive effect on my family or more negative effect was also an issue.
Sometimes it was sheer stubbornness. Refusing to quit... refusing to accept defeat.
Try to keep one simple but often overlooked thing in mind. In addition to being the worst enemy you will ever face, depression also sneaks into your camp and tries to recruit you to its side.
I don't know if any of this will help. I suspect not. I think that in the end we all find our own way. I hope you find yours.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( Soup ))))))))

[waterknob1234]

Hugs to you SoupDragon. I had the suicide thoughts this morning and told myself all the usual reasons why I can't do it. I probably argue with myself on a daily basis about depression or suicide if that makes any sense. No that probably makes no sense. Anyway I understand how you feel. I agree with George H. Maybe we have to pursue some goal or dream and that keeps us going. Best of wishes.

[Altered Moment]

I have never been in one that long as mine is very cyclical. I can say that I reached an age where I was just tired of fighting it or trying to hide it. It takes a monumental effort to hide and fight. In some ways I have surrendered to it and accepted it. Not in the sense that I give in to suicidal thoughts or that I have given up on treatment. When I am very severely depressed i let myself be that way and I don't try to hide it anymore. Paradoxically that seems to help. I still go to therapy and take meds and do what i can to treat it so I don't mean giving up.

[NowhereUSA]

i've had depression since i was young. i've battled sui thoughts for about fifteen years. i have treatment resistant depression. the thoughts can and do wane during certain periods, but because they've been with me so long, they're like well worn paths in my brain. i have to really work to not go there and... well i'm not always successful. as of late, i've been too exhausted to fight them.

i don't want to discourage you. my depression went untreated for too long. but that's my situation.

[SoupDragon]

I get that this is the way it probably is for me now, but I struggle with knuckling down and getting on with life, while it feels so numb, blank and with this video stream in my head.

Like if I was eating liver, which I really dislike, why would I keep eating it everyday just because that's how it is, if I had a splinter in my foot, why would I just keep walking on it, as that's just how it is?

I know I can get myself through each day and maybe even find something to smile at now and again, but I keep coming back to what on earth is the point, why continue to do something that just isn't working anymore.

I guess ultimately it comes down to choice doesn't it? I don't want that to read as me having any intentions right now - but it seems that life for me is just how it is and I have to find a way of accepting that or not - there is no in between where someone waves a wand and says "Now you can live your life happily". It sucks doesn't it?

[NowhereUSA]

it does suck. the skill i fall back on (i'm a dbt person - that is, i really like dbt and that's what my t is trained as) is radical acceptance. it doesn't mean i like the situation, it just means that it is what it is and i have to deal with the situation in front of me, not the situation i wish i had. it's a tough one.

i also struggle with that choice. right now for me, my kids really impact me and that's good and frustrating at the same time. like, why do i have to live in horrible pain for everyone else's sake? part of that is rooted in the fact that a lot of what i've dealt with in life has been because i was doing what someone else wanted and never what i wanted. i endured a lot of pain at someone else's expense. so it's sort of like living is me enduring more pain at everyone else's expense *still*. like because it'll hurt them, i should keep going.

but i do love my kids even if i can't always feel it and my oldest is a sweetheart and so i keep hanging on sometimes even when i'd rather not which is most days these days

trying to find meaning in something that feels meaningless. it's def. hard.

[SoupDragon]

I could have written that post myself NowhereUSA, I can relate to doing life in the past for someone elses sake and experiencing hurt in the process. Acceptance is hard for me though, there's a lot of refusing to accept and anger that this is how my life is. To accept feels like giving in, like someone or something is trying to break my will and turn me into a placid, compliant person who just shuts up and gets on with their life sentence. Sorry for sounding so bleak.