[aprillynn197]

I hate myself beyond hate. Nothing will ever get better I just want to be dead

[TheOriginalMe]

Overwhelmed by guilt, I try to envisage putting right the wrong I have done but all I do is make excuses for my behaviour. The guilt will remain until I can be completely honest, but I don't know myself what really happened or why. I know I deceived and abused, I know it was a deliberate choice, but was my judgement impared by depression? I am doomed to live with this guilt forever because I can no longer unravel the truth from the distortions and fictions I surround myself with. Please let me find the strength to say, "I did wrong, I lied, I'm sorry" and to face the consequences without excuses. Sadly, I am weak and I know this won't happen.

It was a pretty slow day at work today. Went bike riding after work for an hour and it made me feel better. I have been bike riding instead of working out with weights for the last couple of weeks because of sore arms and shoulders. I also have been doing some swimming.

My friend will be going to a "pool party" hosted by a couple from the church tomorrow evening. It's an open thing for anyone going to the church to come. My friend wants me to come but I want to pass on that. I don't want to go because the people there will be coupled and very old. I'm single and much younger. Plus they are cliquey. I've been to those kinds of things before and always had a bad time. I just don't do well with crowds, cliques, and having to make small talk to keep the ball rolling.

[Bark]

Tired. What else is new?

Is it too much to ask to feel rested when I wake up? Looks like stopping one of my meds made no difference (which makes it more likely it was only a placebo at that dose).

Maybe I should buy a caffeinated drink. Maybe it'll actually keep me awake this time. But it feels like it's just a band-aid. I'm still going to be tired, just less so. Going to see my therapist next week and see what she thinks; I've been telling her about this for months now. Maybe she'll tell my psychiatrist that I really have been trying to get my sleep in order and eat more, but nothing much has changed.

Just tired of it. And last night's mood has carried into today, which I don't like.

There are a bunch of people at the house to spin out honey from combs (my husband has honey bees). I feel very stressed out and just want to go back in bed but can't. I just want this day to be over with

[SeekerOfLife]

Did someone say 'roller coaster'? How do I get off? I just want to rest.

[hope2010]

I am so tired of waken up with fear and panic attacks. Some days my CBT training work and I can get rid of the horrible nightmares, and shaking all over that I felt as soon I am awake. But some others days, like today, all is just wrong, I have panic attacks, anxiety, no matter what I think, no matter what I do to cope with the problem. Will be like this till my anxiety medication start working, in about two hours. I am so tired.

[tigerlily84]

I feel like I can't talk to anyone anymore. People want to connect, and I keep pushing them away because I don't know how. I'm not ready to talk, but if I tell them to back off then that makes them even more anxious to talk to me. I wish people wouldn't care about me anymore because it would make it easier to not be here. And I feel guilty for thinking that. I'm a jerk.

A typical Saturday for me. Very hot outside and I can't seem to drink enough water for the day. I don't drink sodas, thank goodness!

A busy day but a lonely one. I got a haircut this morning. The last time I got one was about four months ago. I go to the barbers three or four times a year. Did housework and shopping. People around seem very grumpy today. I think it's due to the hot weather. I didn't get together with my friend at all today and I was hoping that we would.

As a mentioned yesterday on here, there's a pool party tonight. My friend mentioned it by email (he has not called me today) but he was not very pressing about having me to go. He has a hard time taking "no" for an answer. I find that very annoying with him. I guess he has accepted that I don't want to go tonight. But I've got nothing lined up for tonight.

[Bark]

I should have slept a few hours ago. But one thing that keeps me awake is the Internet, especially videos. Don't require much brainpower. Plus I was agonizing over an assignment and I finished after I would have liked to sleep.

I'm tired, but I'm half-awake, so I kind of want to stay awake. Because I know I'll be tired in the morning no matter what I do.

I had a Pepsi earlier. Maybe an hour or so later I took a nap. With the lights on. I'm not a fan of Pepsi (don't like how it makes my teeth feel especially), and since it doesn't seem to be helping, I probably won't buy any more. Maybe eating more would help....

yawn.

[TheOriginalMe]

Another horrible guilt wracked day. I don't know whether I am genuinely remorseful or just full of self pity. I want to right the wrong (remorse), but I can only see it causing more harm than good if I were to do so (self pity). The tangled web I have woven has become my prison.

[tigerlily84]

I don't feel anything. My pdoc switched me to the extended release version of wellbutrin. I feel... detached, I guess? That's not an emotion, is it? I'm trying to watch all my favorite funny shows, but it's not really doing anything. I'll find something funny and the most I can manage is a smirk. I guess I feel pretty horrible then. Not feeling anything is its own form of hell.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Depression at its worst. Get me out of this hell!!!!

[mulan]

I'm thinking right now how I wish I wasn't so boring! But I really am, I am not spontaneous at all and I don't have big interests, or any kind of interests I think. Life never meant much to me.

But this way I keep the ones who hang out only with me from having fun, and they try to keep away from me. It is just the way I am.

[hope2010]

Days of shadows, tears and empty thoughts. I love to be alive but I don't like to be in pain, am so sick and tired of being sick. Another day is gone, another night with nightmares is waiting for me, soon I will be in bed, reading a book, fallow sleep and the dreams will come ... Depression really hurts! I know, tell me something new :/

[JustTvTroping]

Lately, all I seem to do is reflect on things. I guess I just have a lot on my mind though what I'm reflecting on isn't necessarily bad. Other than that, I'm feeling pretty indifferent.

[SeekerOfLife]

No significant mood swing in four and a half days. So glad. Today I am thankful for work. Am trying to take life a day at a time right now.

I had an ok day, it's a sunday, I didn't have to deal with anyone.

Another day filled with anxiety. My therapist said he thinks my anxiety is secondary to my severe depression and if the depression is alleviated, so will the anxiety be. I never was this anxious until I got into this severe depression. As my depression has worsened, so has my anxiety. It's a very confusing and very difficult situation (dealing with both problems).

This day is not halfway over yet. It turned out that I heard about the pool party last night from my friend who wanted me to go to it. He didn't host it.
From the description of how it went, I think I didn't miss much.

Went to church today and it was alright. Sometimes I wonder why I keep going there. I guess it's just because I feel comfortable there. But I don't know if that's really a good reason to keep going there.

Very hot today again and it may be around for a few more days at least. I don't feel like doing much on days like this. I hate hot weather and I tend to feel more depression when it's hot. Yet I feel restless, too. There's a big football at the stadium which is right near where I live. I hate those games because I feel like my area gets taken over by crowds. On top of that, I hate the team, too.

[TheOriginalMe]

I have laid some of the demons feeding my guilt to rest. I am calmer but very tired and flat. I survived the emotional storm.

[flours]

still struggling with disappointment about some people's behavior. need to get over it and don't know how.

[tigersassy]

When it rains it pours. I'm already ready to give up everything. I've fallen down the slippery slope.

[sideblinded]

I think I need an add on antidepressant to the 15 mg remeron I am on. Depression is not better after 8 weeks. Still not myself and not enjoying very much.

[TheLastChapter]

Today was awful. I just keep falling deeper and deeper into the black pit of depression.