How do I get through this?

For those of you who've never read my posts, I'll recap, if this is old news to the rest of you, skip the next paragraph.

I've suffered depression for many years with the last 3 years being particularly bad. I'm not particularly responsive to meds and I've tried many, if not most, of the TCAs, SSRIs and SNRIs. At the moment I'm on Valdoxan, it is OK but not doing much more than taking the edge off things. Over the years the one thing I've learnt how to control is the sui and si urges, so as I'm deemed "low risk" I don't get any help from the NHS other than what my GP can offer and a referral for CBT.

I've been on the waiting list for CBT for almost 20 weeks, when I was referred I was told the wait would be 10 to 12 weeks. I rang up today to find out how my referral was progressing and was told that I would have to wait quite some time longer before I was at the top of the list, there are people who've been waiting 28 weeks or longer. So my guess is that it will be at least 2 more months.

I'm not working at the moment and my sick pay runs out in a month, so I've got to get back to work before then, and I'm starting to get really worried about what I'll do when the money runs out. All I've done since making the call about the CBT is cry, I can't figure out what to do next, it all seems so hopeless.

I'm speaking to my GP tomorrow, but that is only a phone appointment as he is fully booked for the next 3 weeks. I will ask my GP to follow up on my behalf but I'm not optimistic as I have no "special circumstances". As I've already been turned down by the Community Mental Health Team, it feels like they've all given up on me and there is nothing more that can be done. I expect my GP will ask what I want, but as there aren't any more options for meds without a psychiatrist, and there aren't any options for therapy other than CBT, I don't know what to ask for. I want to be treated fairly and with respect for the efforts I make to stay safe, just being low risk doesn't make my depression any less severe.

I don't know how much more I can take and as my breaking point isn't self harm or suicide, I fear for what it might be, if I have to prove a point to get help then ...... who knows? The only resource I have left to me is shutting down completely, just lying down and giving in. I've been close to a catatonic state before, I've no doubt I could achieve the same again except now I'm a carer for my 84 year old mum and my dog needs me.

I'm ranting and moaning, I'm crying bucket loads, it brings no relief. I'm locked in a cycle where I torture myself with thoughts of more and more rejections, what if my GP can't help me, what if I lose my job, what if I've made things worse by phoning up about CBT (I was pretty obnoxious to the person I spoke to, so they might deem me too abusive to work with)?

I know there are self help resources out there, but I'm feeble and weak minded and I have the attention span of a goldfish, I need help in real life to get me to the point where I would be motivated to self help. After all I learned how to stay safe and all that achieved was to cut me off from the help I need. I know that is twisted logic, but that is how anger and frustration have made me. I know I'm being a ridiculous drama queen, I also know that venting on here won't achieve anything, I've either got to submit to depression graciously or kick up a stink in real life.

How do I get through this?

No advice from me on how to get through....sending positive vibes your way...
((((((Original)))))

Thanks (((((((Idiot))))))) I know you need those positive vibes yourself.

Hello OriginalMe: First off, I just want to say that I had to chuckle at your goldfish simile. I count it as at least a slightly positive sign that you can write such a cute phrase.

I do understand something of what you're going through. My situation is similar. Actually I've never even been given a diagnosis. I just presume, if there is one written down somewhere it probably says something about major depression, anxiety, suicidality & possibly GID. I have a pdoc who sees me for about 10 minutes once every 3 months. I guess I could have a therapist if I wanted one. But I've never been able to find one I thought was worth his or her salt. The bottom line, for me I believe is I'm now in my 60's. Nobody's going to do anything for me that they absolutely don't have to do. I'm just considered to be excess baggage. If I manage to off myself at some point, well that's just one less old person to soak up Social Security benefits. That's just the reality of the situation.

As a result, I've just had to force myself to keep going. I take the SNRI my pdoc prescribes. It's not great but it seems to help keep a floor under me. I've recently revitalized my long-suffering meditation & yoga practice. I've been doing it on-&-off for many years... (more off than on mostly.) I'm hoping I can keep it going this time. I may try to arrange for some yoga instruction along the way if I can. Transportation is a limiting factor for me in this regard. But I know, from past experience, being involved in something like a yoga class or group therapy situation has usually been helpful for me. Perhaps if you could find some type of group activity you could participate in, this would help you too. It might also help to make you feel a bit more prepared to return to work if you must.

Also, have you looked into any possible community living supports for your mother? I'm sure taking care of her is putting a big strain on your already fragile mental state. I don't know what's available in the U.K. Over here in the U.S. there is now allot of emphasis being put on keeping seniors in their homes as long as possible. What's available does vary from state-to-state. But such things as in-home care, housekeeping assistance, home-delivered meals, etc. can be available.

I do hope you can see your way through this trying time. I'm sure it all seems just overwhelming at this point. Please keep posting here on PC! You have many friends here...

I don't know how to help, but I just wanted to say I agree with you very much, that just because you have learned how to stay safe does not make your depression any less severe than another's. i know how bad it can be, doesn't mean you have to be at the point of harming yourself, and it's unfair it seems to get the urgent attention you need you would have to resort to extreme measures. I'm sorry you have to wait so long for help. I hope you get some answers from your gp tomorrow. best wishes, hugs to you, I hope the help comes soon

Skeezyks, I'm a bit like you about therapists, I've tried them in the past but they're not really for me. So I don't know why I am so cut up about this, it isn't that I want CBT or hold out much hope for it. I just feel so abandoned. So not only am I depressed, I'm selfish too.

As for my Mum, she doesn't qualify for help because she has me, catch 22 again.

So all there is for me is to try to be thankful for what I have, safety, free health care (lol), eductaion, sanitation, drinking water, all the basics are covered. I'm an ungrateful cow for not valuing these and so I guess I just don't deserve more.

Spoke to my GP, he will write a letter to the psychology service, but he said it probably won't do much good. Things are so bad in this town that even the private services have waiting lists, I'm on my own.

As you know I think how the NHS is treating you and others is horrible. I am not sure how you hang on as you have your mother and work to worry about. Normally I would say let yourself be the way you are and sleep all the time or whatever but with work looming that may not be a good idea. I am not sure how you could work in the state you are in. Are there any disability benefits available? If you are unable to go to a self help group how are you going to be able to work? Maybe you should try really hard to get to a free support group.

Your not selfish and you deserve more. The fact that NHS does not have the money and don't prioritize mental health is not your fault and no is reflection on you. Doesn't leave you in a good position though but it in no way reflects on you. It is on them.

Your not alone in having experienced difficulty getting professional help through Gp and mental health services. Its not easy waiting a long time to get help like therapy as well when your in really difficult distressing isolating place. I tried to get therapy 2 years ago through one mental health service but was discharged before even having first appointment that was due to have after waiting 2 months in distress. I went into a really bad crisis, which led me to go to A&E for first time but I had awful time there with staff its made me not feel able to go back there if need to.
I was referred to Secondary Care mental health recovery team where i had numerous assessments but didn't get help or support as they didn't take my circumstances/illness to be severe.

I hope your situation improves soon. I'm not finding things easy at moment in my life. Seeing a counsellor privately at reduced cost but not working well.

My dear TheOriginalMe, I agree with you, zinco and all the others nice people that are here for you, you are not alone, and if cry makes you feel better well cry and heck I will be crying too if in your situation

So what can we do after crying?
I will say it again, for me a good crying is good, help me a lot, but that is just me ...

I don't know how you are going to come back to work in your state of mind, you are doing your best, is not your fault that the UK system is not helping you.

I am proud of you my friend, please keep writing here or in private messages, you have friends here that even though we can't find the way to solve your difficult situation, we all wish you that you find the path to get the help you deserve.

Ideas may come alone here too ... Big Hugs,

In terms of sleep, my ad is pretty good at regulating that, it acts on melatonin and as long as I sleep at night I don't need to sleep during the day anymore. I can and do sleep a lot in the daytime but it isn't that deep overwhelming urge, more like a dog napping to while away the hours.

The problem with my job is that it is a desk job and a thinking job that requires concentration and attention to detail, also as a lot of the material I deal with concerns victims of crime it can be quite triggering. I end up either fretting and worrying or just closing down. I would be better in a role where I had to interact with people directly as that way I would have an immediate focus. I will ask my employers ( a big city council with lots of different kinds of jobs) if they can move me to something on a temporary basis maybe to an IT support job, something that is problem solving rather than analytical. Even then the thought of getting up, showered and dressed and into work for 8 hours a day seems impossible. If I don't go back to work when my employer's sick pay ends, I will qualify for SSP but this will only be about 20% of what I earn and won't even cover the bills. I guess I'll have to try to make it back in and hope they don't sack me for unacceptable performance.

Looked into free support groups but they are all a bit "happy clappy" for me, singing meh. Dropping the sarcasm, the groups that are available are not really aimed at the depressed. I did think about volunteering at one group but they have a waiting list for volunteers. There are charities that offer reduced cost therapy but they are fully booked, though the waiting list is not as long as for the NHS. My concern about the charities is they have a heavily christian bias and I have enough hang-ups in that respect.

I beat myself up about being selfish, ironically I do it to try and turn my attention outwards and focus on what I have rather than what I don't have. That should be a good thing, but I do the right thing in the wrong way. Maybe that is why after a good few years of doing OK I crashed so badly. Even though I'm doubtful about CBT, I guess if it helps me do the right things in a less critical way it could be what I need. Thanks for provoking me into a bit of practical thought, I needed a nudge in the right direction.

I think you can learn CBT and practice it on your own. Of course it is good to be grateful for what you have but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to feel better and have help. I doubt you can help how you are feeling.

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