getting those thoughts again...

Really don't know what is wrong with me. I don't feel that bad and yet I'm getting all these damn self destructive thoughts and urges back again. It's got back to the stage where it is dangerous for me to leave work with a clear desk, because if I do then it means I won't be leaving anyone in the lurch if I were to do something and therefore I give myself 'permission'.

I felt far worse than this in the not so distant past and I have no idea why I'm getting these urges now. And I don't know why they are so strong. And I'm not really sure what to do with them...just trying to ignore them....

Last night I ended up drinking a lot of vodka, and did a tiny bit of self harm...was just scratches though really, didn't get what I wanted out of it. Would like to do a 'better' job of it today...

I don't really know what the point of this thread is...I'm just venting I think.

Feel free to vent! I suggest you talk to your doctor about what's happening, so things can be nipped in the bud. I hope you feel better soon.

Vent all you like here. We're here to listen. I'm really sorry to hear you're suffering with horrible thoughts again. Could you talk to your boss at work about your self-destructive urges, if it's affecting your job? Or your doctor, GP, therapist, etc.? I don't think ignoring the thoughts and urges and keeping them to yourself is a good idea, else they'll just grow inside your head. Keep posting on the forums and let loose your feelings that way.

I know that I shouldn't keep it bottled up...it's just what I've always done. Annoyingly I haven't seen my T for maybe 5 weeks now and won't see him for another 2 weeks. And my other support is out of the office doing her other job role or something. There are other people I could contact if it gets really bad but I hate to do that.

The intensity is going up and down this evening. A couple of hours ago it was really bad and I almost just decided to end it then. It spiralled before I had a chance to talk to anyone. It's not so bad right now but I can feel it building again.

Why is this happening again?!

There could be lots of reasons including, rather peversely, getting better. There is a lot of evidence that shows there is a high risk of harm during the recovery phase, probably because of the increased ability to motivate and carry a plan through to its conclusion rather than the "meh too much bother" apathy of a deeper depression.

Hormones were/are still a major trigger for me, now I get the more usual moody, tearful anger that is normally associated with PMS, but when I was younger (teens through until my mid 30s) I got into intensely suicidal rages.

Alcohol is a trigger for me, and avoiding alcohol has been one of the biggest breakthroughs I made in staying safe. Apart from one or two binges (lifestyle, self harm and experimentation) I never really drank that much anyway, but I realised that even one drink could make my mood plummet if I was vulnerable that day. I'm not tee total and sometimes have a drink even now but I don't enjoy it much.

Keeping a diary to identify patterns and triggers might help. Until then, try to keep distracted and find someone to talk to or just be with. Can you get your boss to change how your work is allocated so your tasks come in at the end of a working day ready for the next day? I totally relate to the clear desk thing. Back in March I cleared my desk for the first time in months. I sent out a report, logged out of the computer and the next day called in sick, I've not been back since then.

Take care.

Sorry no wise words coming from me....Hope you hang in and this too will pass ( hopefully shortly).
Good luck fending off the negative urges.
(((((Secret)))))

Hi Secretwhisper: I'm so sorry to read you're struggling again. I probably don't have much to offer either. I do wonder if, perhaps, you're feeling some increased stress at work & it is manifesting itself as self-destructive thoughts & urges.

I know that whenever I feel stressed about something, my self-destructive thoughts increase significantly. I have some fairly serious low back problems that flair up from time-to-time. And during times when my low back muscles have been strained to the point where I have difficulty walking & doing other normal everyday things my depression, anxiety & in particular my GID issues skyrocket.

Recently I've revived my old meditation & yoga practice in an effort to give me something to focus on other than my mental health issues. So far it seems to be helping. Is there anything you like to do that you could spend more time on & use to deflect your focus away from self-destructive thoughts & urges?

Under any circumstances, please keep yourself safe. And keep posting here on PC.

Thanks, they are all a lot of good suggestions. I've heard of the greater risk when you start to feel better and wondered if that was perhaps playing a part. But today I've been feeling low again all day so I'm just thinking it was a temporary lift in mood before and now I'm headed back down again. I'm used to this happening, it just isn't normally so short lived.

I never really noticed my hormones having an impact, but I'm so useless at tracking my periods anyway as they are not at all regular with the contraceptive I'm on. I'm gonna stop taking it in the next couple of days though so maybe I will notice something then, if there is anything to notice!

Yeah alcohol is a factor and I am so aware of this. But I don't care enough to do anything about it. It's one of my many terrible coping strategies along with the self harm. When I start getting the urges to go on my self destruct path alcohol is the first thing, and then the more I drink the worse I will feel, so then I want to drink more...blah blah blah just a vicious cycle. But yeah, I just don't see myself changing it if I'm honest.

I suck at keeping diaries and tracking moods and stuff but I will try again. I always start and then give up again after just a couple of weeks or so. But I have some little goals to work towards to keep me safe hopefully. I'm not sure about talking to my manager about changing how the work is allocated, it is normally just as and when I finish a job I get the next one. And in between that I have other little things that I let build up and then do them all in one go. Talking to my manager is difficult as he is my ex's dad, and while it has been fine working with him I'm not thrilled on the idea of having to let him know that I'm crashing again knowing it will likely get back to my ex.

(hmm that was a bit of an essay!)

(((Hugs)))

Hi Secretwhisper, sorry to hear you are having some trouble again. I have been offline for a couple of days due to intense migraine headaches. I couldn't even read my computer screen. It is strange about the destructive urges. I agree that you should tell your doctor or therapist about these, and if they are not available, tell someone you trust, other than the boss at work. Keep posting to us.

I'm like you I am terrible at keeping diaries. I start stuff like that and never finish it. Hope things go better for you. Pm me anytime you like.

Hi Secretwhisper, I know how you feel. I suggest you not be alone. Make an appointment with your doctor ASAP or contact someone to be with. I had troubles last week with my depression and my clinic took me right in. It also seem to help me to keep posting here on PC. Please keep up the fight, you are better than depression.

OR!!!!... this is a temporary dive and you'll soon head back up! ^^

I really am afraid to tell anyone irl. I'm afraid of the panic and worry it causes and the constant checking up on me. I'm afraid that once more they will say hospital is a good idea, I've already been there twice since May. I just wanna try and push through this on my own (and with pc) even though I'm finding it really hard. Really I just wanna curl up under a rock and hide for as long as possible, but that isn't an option!

I know what you mean.....wish I can be there.....sending strength and positivity your way. Hang in.
(((((Secret)))))

(((((((( secretwhisper ))))))))

(((Hugs))) sending positive vibes your way. Hang in there, this too shall pass