inspiration anyone?

Can i first just appologize for even making this post? ... I feel as though i've been posting alot lately, and i hate that because i dont want to be whining on here all the time, i really don't.

But heres the thing. Its coming back ... the depression is coming .. i can feel it with every inch of my body. I feel it in the heavyness of my eyes, the aching of my neck, and the empty feeling left in my heart.

I was doing so well for a while there ... i was so hopeful. Now, i dont even know what happend. Nothing triggered it, nothing big happend, things were just "normal" until they wern't again. I saw my T for the first time today ... went okay i guess. Lots of general background questions .. lots about my family, but i dont have anything bad to say about it - well i guess it didn't really do much, but id rather have that happen as oppose to getting me more upset. I just wish that she already knew everything .. that i could just for once in my life be able to sit down and talk honestly, and just cry and be comforted.

But i was sitting here thinking (well trying not to actually) and i can't think of one thing to motivate me anymore. The last two years i had motivation from my housemaster and i didn't want to let her down ... i had motivation from my old T because i didn't want to disappoint her .... and now ... i just dont know.

I have midterms coming up ... i need to do well this semester, and that there should be enough motivation, but i cant seem to stay focused. I'm in class, but i'm not really there. I'm reading my text books, but i'm not absorbing anything. I'm talking to my friends yet i'm just saying what they want to hear, acting how i "should" act.

I guess what i'm looking for here is just a reason ... something for me to hold on to, something to help me be strong because i need to fight this thing ... this monster ... need to fight whats going on inside of me.

This too shall pass.

The added stress, the anticipation of the added stress can easily begin the downward spiral. You can keep it from dragging you all the way down, though.

Quit worrying about the depression 'overtaking' you. Stop and replace any thought with something that counters the depression. Something like, just because I was depressed and feeling bad before, that doesn't mean it will happen to me this time. Keep talking to your friends, keep acting like you should...because those are good self care activities. Don't give in to the dark. Fight it all the way, and each time it will affect you less and less.

Go back over the cognitive distortions posted at the top of psychotherapy forum, those are the thoughts/thinking that if corrected, will help you get through this time strong. good wishes.

(((((((((((((((( jacq )))))))))))))))

Sky is spot on...... keep venting (and you aren't a whiner)

Love,
Fuzzy

keep talking to us......it really does help......love, pat

(((((((((((Sky)))))))))) - Thanks for the advice ... i looked at the cognitive distortions and it was kind of an eye opener for me ... hadn't realized how many categories that i fit into

((((((((fuzzy))))))))
((((((((fayerody))))))
Thank you both for your support ....

I guess i just don't know "how" to get through this ... and i don't understand how for some people being "happy" is natural ... I've met so many people who have been through so much more and have came out as such strong people. I can only hope that one day i will be able to say as much about myself. Oh well ...

(((((((((Jacq)))))))))))

No words right now (8am does that to me) but just wanted to give you a hug.

You should not apologize for trying to get the help you need. Don't apologize for posting here, that's what this is for. I guess what I really mean to say is that for me I used to practically apologize for being alive! It was a long slow process to learn that I didn't need to apologize for trying to get help for myself, for making myself happy and for learning how to put my NEEDS (not wants) first. I can't help anyone else if I can't help myself first.

I also learned to accept the person I AM, not the person I wanted to be or others wanted me to be. I'm not super woman. I'm not a saint. I'm not always loving and kind. I'm not always, or even often, happy. That's ok. I do have depression, I need lots of time for myself. I need a slower pace of life. I need to protect myself from certain kinds of people or situations or just simply too much stress because I have a disease, just like someone with diabetes or cancer. It's okay for me to take care of myself and do what ever it is I need to do to live with (and threw) my depression.

I've suffered from depression for decades. As as I said it's been a long, sloooooooooooooooow, slog. But I've learned that, like someone else here said, this too shall pass. Everything changes, especially my moods. I still have depression, I never know if a down day is going be a day or two, or a week or two or several months. It's always a surprise.

So don't deny your depression but don't be held captive by it either. It could be gone quicker than you think. If not, treat yourself the way you would someone you love who has depression - get all the help you can, be nice to yourself, give yourself a break, treat yourself, distract yourself with things and people you really like - as long as it's constructive and not destructive. And it's okay to put yourself first and take of yourself like that for months, if that's what it takes to get threw a depressive episode.

Thank you Christina ... (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

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Pomegranate said:
I also learned to accept the person I AM, not the person I wanted to be or others wanted me to be. I'm not super woman. I'm not a saint. I'm not always loving and kind. I'm not always, or even often, happy. That's ok.

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Can I just say wow, and thank you thank you thank you. You sound like such a strong person, and specifically what you said there is probably exactly what i needed to hear. I know that i have such high expectations of myself, and whenever i try and take some "me" time i always feel guilty or unproductive ...but i guess thats important for me to do sometimes. I really am trying to accept myself for who i am, but i am waaay to critical. I will keep in mind all that you have said though, and do my best to put it into perspetive.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post
(((((((((((((((((((((((Pomegranate)))))))))))))))))))

Jacq

Pomegranate,

Thank you for your posting. It helped to remind me that I'm not completely defective because of the problems and issues I deal with day to day. Lately, I've been consumed with a sense of total failure. I've been trying to overcome it with attempts at positive thinking, meditation, calming breaths, but in the end that sickening feeling sweeps over me again and again. I picture myself climbing a ladder and attempting to rise to another rung. And as I reach for the next rung, it seems the rung is heavily coated with grease and my hands and feet continuously slip back down. I desperately want to believe in a change for the better. I've been wanting to be better for so long and having not achieved that after all these years has caused me to feel hopeless about my situation. I wish my problems were like the dark, ominous clouds that hover above in a storm because then I'd know they would soon pass over. It simply feels when the sun does break through, it never stays out long enough. I relish those times when my spirit feels lifted and try to remind myself that there will be times like that again.

Calm <font color="#000088"> </font>

((((((((((((((((Calm))))))))))))))

Jacq and Calm,

Thank you for letting me know I was somewhat helpful - that all the years of pain I've been through are helpful not only to me but to others. (((Thank you both.)))

I can only speak from my own experience. I have finely and painfully realized that I am much harder on myself than I am on anyone else. Someone else gave me the bright idea to treat ME just like I would treat others I loved and care about, I'm most often very loving to those around me - I was more accepting of others than I was of myself!!! It was one of those light bulb moments. Very helpful.

I also of course need my medication, counseling at times, support from at least a few friends or family around me, eat healthy, get enough sleep, etc. etc. all the common sense things. Those who don't understand depression don't realize how hard we - or at least me - are trying to be healthy, good, happy, all those positive things.

I'm not saying don't try for your dreams or for being a better person. But it's been my experience that until I could accept myself just as I am, I never really made much progress in FEELING better, more healthy or more happy. My life is still not what I WANT it to be. But that's okay now. I basically have everything I NEED. And I am grateful for that. Making myself happy is just as important to me today - because if I don't do that I know from past experience I will try to end my life - as making those around me that I love happy. If I have to choose, I choose myself. It sounds selfish but it made a big difference for me in living with chronic major depression.

Thank you both again for responding to me.

(((((((((((((((((((Pomegranate))))))))))))))))))

Wow it sounds like you've had to deal with a lot of things in your life, but i can't tell you how much it gives me courage that you are able to look back and see what has happened, and by taking those experiences they have made you almost change your way of living/thinking.

I think that its safe to say that the majority of people (at least people dealing with Depression) are harder on themselves than anyone else, and while we may realize that its important to take care of ourselves, the actual concept of putting that into action is much easier said than done.

Thank you once again for sharing a little bit of yourself with us ... and i hope to see you around on the forums.

Jacq

jacq10

thanks for the post..........pat

((((((((((((((((( jacq ))))))))))))))))))

Jacq, Everyone needs some words of encouragement and a pat on the back every once in a while. We live life so fast these days that we forget to stop and enjoy. Best Wishes

Thank you everyone .. you are awesome

((((((((hugs for all)))))))