[Nat92]

Ever felt like you give too much and never get anything in return? I feel like that all the time, but I've gotten so used to it that I feel absolutely guilty and uncomfortable if someone returns the favor.

And perhaps that's my problem, I can't accept the positive. I've been trying to learn but it seems to just fall right off of me.

So, when someone comes and asks for money, I never really expect them to return it, I never expect to be paid back though truth is, I really do need them to. And it places me in a worse and worse economical situation, but what if the person is in a worse place than you?

I always think like that, I always put others before me even if I'm standing in fire myself. I hate it but I feel so guilty and selfish if I think about myself.

My parents are currently in a tight situation and have been for a long time and it's an evil circle. Past has taught me and has been proven true again and again, that me spending money on myself, is a bad idea.

I buy a new phone or new shoes, weeks later, I tell myself "well, that wasn't smart" because then either my parents or sister or someone else is asking for money, because they're broke. And me being this overly generous person start to blame myself and feel like crap because, well I bought new shoes and can no longer help.

This has happened so many times, it's getting hilarious.

I'm helping my mom who's helping my sister and grandmother. So, you see, if I can't help her, she can't help my sister or my grandmother and we're all pretty much screwed.

And it sucks. I hate to say that it's not easy, because for every penny i lend out, my dream of moving out seems further and further away, all the while my sister is battering me for not moving out, for not doing this and that and it's really not fair because she's one of the reasons why I can't. It's like someone is shooting at your feet trying to make you run.

I'm beyond stressed and right now, I'm looking at my new phone, tearing up because I feel so guilty for having bought it, I feel absolutely terrible..

And I just don't know what to do. I live at home, I can't tell my mom that I won't help her anymore, that I want to be paid back, it'd be so wrong and so heartless and I don't want to be a heartless person...

[ThisWayOut]

it's not heartless... sometimes we have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. If being in that environment is detrimental to you, then it's ok to do what it takes to ge out of there. Some people are just alwasy going to make bad financial decisions, and you bailing them out won't help them in the long run... It's ok to sometimes buy nice things for yourself. And it's ok to say to others, it doesn't make you a heartless person, it just means you are taking care of yourself.

[ShiningOne]

The fact that you are sacrificing your own freedom and happiness to help others means you are deserving of good things. No need to feel bad; we all need good things in our lives.

[Fuzzybear]

[Clara22]

((((( Nat )))))

[Idiot17]

Originally Posted by Nat92

Ever felt like you give too much and never get anything in return? I feel like that all the time, but I've gotten so used to it that I feel absolutely guilty and uncomfortable if someone returns the favor.

I always think like that, I always put others before me even if I'm standing in fire myself. I hate it but I feel so guilty and selfish if I think about myself.

My parents are currently in a tight situation and have been for a long time and it's an evil circle. Past has taught me and has been proven true again and again, that me spending money on myself, is a bad idea.

I buy a new phone or new shoes, weeks later, I tell myself "well, that wasn't smart" because then either my parents or sister or someone else is asking for money, because they're broke. And me being this overly generous person start to blame myself and feel like crap because, well I bought new shoes and can no longer help.

This has happened so many times, it's getting hilarious.

I'm helping my mom who's helping my sister and grandmother. So, you see, if I can't help her, she can't help my sister or my grandmother and we're all pretty much screwed.

And I just don't know what to do. I live at home, I can't tell my mom that I won't help her anymore, that I want to be paid back, it'd be so wrong and so heartless and I don't want to be a heartless person...

I can definitely relate to what you've said. Feeling guilty of thinking about yourself......endlessly doing things only for others......Putting aside your goals to please others....telling your mom that you want to get your own life the way you want it......

In those regards I'm pretty much in the same boat. Stuck the same way. It helps me knowing that I'm not the only one feeling such, hope it helps you as well.

Good luck (((((nat))))

[Nat92]

Originally Posted by Idiot17

I can definitely relate to what you've said. Feeling guilty of thinking about yourself......endlessly doing things only for others......Putting aside your goals to please others....telling your mom that you want to get your own life the way you want it......

In those regards I'm pretty much in the same boat. Stuck the same way. It helps me knowing that I'm not the only one feeling such, hope it helps you as well.

Good luck (((((nat))))

Oh god, it's so good to know I'm not alone. I just wish there was a button you could push to make everyone understand where you're coming from, a button to fix it all.

I just feel like I'm standing in a room with no windows, no doors and I'm trying to breathe. It's horrible...

I can't just sit down and talk to my parents, it doesn't fix anything and they don't understand what I mean. They've always thought of me as a martyr, I'm the black sheep, no matter what.

It's such a tricky situation and there's no way out of it, it's driving me nuts.

[Idiot17]

Nat, again I can relate to what you're saying.
No matter how when and where I try to explain things to my parents they will never understand. It's the outcast.
And it is definitely suffocating.
Good luck.

[Clara22]

Hi Nat92,
You remind me my father. I think he was like you. Once he was very ill at the hospital and the treatment team sent a psychologist for him. He told us that one of the exercises she made him do was to bring the first memory of his childhood. He said it was that he was trying to comfort his mom that was crying because they were poor my grandfather would not work enough and would spend the little money he earned in drinks (at bars). My father was a man that tried to fulfill desires and needs of other people in his life at risk of his own life. The psychologist told him that he has been programmed by his parents and early events to be like that and that it was not healthy.

[Nat92]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi Nat92,
You remind me my father. I think he was like you. Once he was very ill at the hospital and the treatment team sent a psychologist for him. He told us that one of the exercises she made him do was to bring the first memory of his childhood. He said it was that he was trying to comfort his mom that was crying because they were poor my grandfather would not work enough and would spend the little money he earned in drinks (at bars). My father was a man that tried to fulfill desires and needs of other people in his life at risk of his own life. The psychologist told him that he has been programmed by his parents and early events to be like that and that it was not healthy.

I was bullied and excluded from the first day of school and me and my siblings went to the same school, so while my sister wasn't as protective of my brother as I was, I always kept an eye on him in the school yard. He was an easy target was well as I was, but he had ADHD and years later when to a special school for kids with bigger needs. No one ever looked out for me and though my parents did try to help, they gave up way too soon.

I never do anything for selfish reasons, I do it out of love and I so more than anything want things to go smoother for my family... Of course at the cost of my own well-being... I was never taught to love myself, I was taught to dress properly, to do my home-work and to not skip school. I skipped school a lot, lied a lot and I'm still lying, to protect my family.

I just wish they had seen the signs earlier, acted and not been ignoring me. I know having 3 kids is hard, but I wish they had fought a little harder, done things differently. I'd stay strong for my kids, I'd not ever let them suffer the way I'm suffering...

But it's easy to say that, I guess.. I however am trying so hard to remain strong, to not break though I'm so close and I know I'm just damaging myself more and more.

But it's my family.. and I couldn't bear breaking their hearts..

[Clara22]

Sometimes it is not about breaking their heart but look for a greater good. Perhaps you are more emphatic than average people, it is tricky