[Beachlover527]

The reason for my depression is from my past and also sad thoughts.
My past because I am nice and people have been taking advantage of that and I guess I am not assertive enough. That makes me very sad.
Another thing is I think of new sad thoughts, truths about the world, and that makes me so depressed. I think of a devastating truth about my life and I become DEEPLY saddened by it. I know "think positive" but you can't do that 24/7 in your life.
It feels better to face reality than to sugar coat it with Be happy!! Even when you're not! Just be it!

I don't know what to do about it.
I also have low self esteem and I do not know how to have more confidence in myself. I've struggled with that for years (6 years). I just want to be like everybody else in my college. The ones who are just confident in themselves and don't worry or fret about unnecessary things. I wish I was born like that or could easily do that.
My therapist also said I'm hard on myself and it's a habit that I've had for years so it is hard to not punish myself or put pressure on myself. It's hard to see the good in me. I don't think I'm intelligent. I really don't. Others don't see it. Sometimes I think I'm dumb and naive. That may be the reason why I have anxiety. Because I'm being stupid about things. Or sometimes I think I'm just too smart, smarter than most people which is why I feel like I'm different than most people.
I don't know, I feel very lost. I do not know what career I want to have (freshman in college). I really do NOT know at all.
I just want to be happy.
I've never had a relationship I'm 18. I like boys but they give me so much stress. When I like someone, I become kind of obsessed. I stall their social media and I can't get over them. There's like 4 guys rn. I don't know if I'm in love (prob not) or if I just need to meet the right guy. It's hard to patient to meet the right one. I'm picky and they need to be a certain way in order for it to be good. They need to understand me. That's key. Um and well groomed and dressed. And beneficial and a good influence in my life. Why is that so hard??
I get nervous around guys. I've always had a problem with it. I even have to pretend the guy I think Is cute Is gay in order for me to even talk to them or approach them. Idk why I'm so scared. Does anyone have en explanation?

I fear that I will be alone forever. I fear that I will not be happy in life. I fear that I will end up in a mental hospital. I fear that if I do get married, we will get a divorce because it isn't working out. Please help.

[Rohag]

Freshman in college... Exceptionally difficult time in life...
Trying to force myself to "think positive" is counterproductive for me. Trying to see what is and what is not and carefully notice the present situation works better.
"Don't be hard on yourself" is easy advice to give, but it's empty without an attempt to get at the "why" of that personal tendency.

Wishing you a gradual dawn of confidence in yourself and in your own wants.

[Fuzzybear]

[Velouria]

One way to build your confidence is to make goals for yourself. They can be small goals, medium-sized goals, large goals, or all three. Just make goals, and follow through. When you fall down, or backslide, don't wallow for too long, and pick yourself up again and keep going until you meet your goals. When I was sick and getting better, one of my goals was literally just to make my bed when I got up in the morning.

Are you sad that you're not assertive, or that people take advantage?

Everybody always thought I had confidence, but I was always really good at faking it. And as the saying goes, "Fake it 'til you make it." The reason why I'm really good at faking it is because I don't want people to take advantage of me, or to **** with me, because I suck at being assertive. When people think you're confident, they're less likely to try take advantage. On the inside I was one big puddle of insecurity. I'm still insecure, but not nearly as bad as when I was 18. I've gotten better as I've gotten older. Plus you just get tired of people's ********.

As for relationships, pro tip: don't stalk their social media. We didn't have any of that, and I am so very glad. But seriously, don't do it. It's not worth it. I get obsessive too, and compulsive, and once you start, you can't stop, and then you start filling in the blanks with your own fears, and you kill it before it even has a chance to breathe. Don't do it.

You're in college, you don't need to fall in love right away. Have fun. Be friends with guys first. Don't look at them as potential boyfriends.

As for careers, it's ridiculous that anyone should be expected to know what they want to be when they grow up when they're 18. You have two years to decide what you want to major in, and then when you enter the workforce, you'll be lucky to be doing something even remotely related to your major. I kid you not. But here's a tip: definitely do an internship if you can, when you get to that point. It'll look good on your resume.

Focus on now. Have fun. I miss college. For as much trouble as I had adjusting and as much anxiety I had in social situations, I wish I could go back. Enjoy it.

[Beachlover527]

Thank you for replying!
I've heard that a lot. One thing is I'm afraid to be confident. I DON'T want to put on an act anymore. I have done that and it's past the point of me being exhausted from trying to pretend I'm outgoing and such. I feel like I'm lying to people if I pretend to be outgoing. I am SO done with pretending to be someone I'm not or putting on a mask or a front. It's tiring and annoying to me now.

I hope some day I will learn to not take people's **** and to stand up for myself. As for right now, I feel like I'm being mean if I do or creating a ruckus.

Yeah I try not to stalk their social media. Lucky that you guys didn't have it. It's scary. Also the thought of accidentally clicking on something (happened to me before) and getting caught (this didn't happen yet). I just see what they're doing, analyze them, figure out their insecurities, find out their personality.

I have a hard time being just friends with guys? Why? I don't f****** know... I really don't. If they seem gay, I don't have a problem talking to them or chatting with them. But I mostly just feel comfortable and hanging out with girls. The guy needs to act like he's just a friend in order for me not to be anxious and worry about him.

And for careers? It's just so hard because I like different things and risky things. Singing acting psychology communications business maybe? I just want to do something that makes me happy and will fulfill me. I really don't know at all I'm scared to get a job because I am so afraid of working. I am afraid of having a boss.

And ah. It's hard having so many worries. I just want to be worry-free.

Originally Posted by Velouria

One way to build your confidence is to make goals for yourself. They can be small goals, medium-sized goals, large goals, or all three. Just make goals, and follow through. When you fall down, or backslide, don't wallow for too long, and pick yourself up again and keep going until you meet your goals. When I was sick and getting better, one of my goals was literally just to make my bed when I got up in the morning.


Are you sad that you're not assertive, or that people take advantage?


Everybody always thought I had confidence, but I was always really good at faking it. And as the saying goes, "Fake it 'til you make it." The reason why I'm really good at faking it is because I don't want people to take advantage of me, or to **** with me, because I suck at being assertive. When people think you're confident, they're less likely to try take advantage. On the inside I was one big puddle of insecurity. I'm still insecure, but not nearly as bad as when I was 18. I've gotten better as I've gotten older. Plus you just get tired of people's ********.


As for relationships, pro tip: don't stalk their social media. We didn't have any of that, and I am so very glad. But seriously, don't do it. It's not worth it. I get obsessive too, and compulsive, and once you start, you can't stop, and then you start filling in the blanks with your own fears, and you kill it before it even has a chance to breathe. Don't do it.


You're in college, you don't need to fall in love right away. Have fun. Be friends with guys first. Don't look at them as potential boyfriends.


As for careers, it's ridiculous that anyone should be expected to know what they want to be when they grow up when they're 18. You have two years to decide what you want to major in, and then when you enter the workforce, you'll be lucky to be doing something even remotely related to your major. I kid you not. But here's a tip: definitely do an internship if you can, when you get to that point. It'll look good on your resume.


Focus on now. Have fun. I miss college. For as much trouble as I had adjusting and as much anxiety I had in social situations, I wish I could go back. Enjoy it.

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by Beachlover527

Thank you for replying!
I've heard that a lot. One thing is I'm afraid to be confident. I DON'T want to put on an act anymore. I have done that and it's past the point of me being exhausted from trying to pretend I'm outgoing and such. I feel like I'm lying to people if I pretend to be outgoing. I am SO done with pretending to be someone I'm not or putting on a mask or a front. It's tiring and annoying to me now.

I hope some day I will learn to not take people's **** and to stand up for myself. As for right now, I feel like I'm being mean if I do or creating a ruckus.

Yeah I try not to stalk their social media. Lucky that you guys didn't have it. It's scary. Also the thought of accidentally clicking on something (happened to me before) and getting caught (this didn't happen yet). I just see what they're doing, analyze them, figure out their insecurities, find out their personality.

I have a hard time being just friends with guys? Why? I don't f****** know... I really don't. If they seem gay, I don't have a problem talking to them or chatting with them. But I mostly just feel comfortable and hanging out with girls. The guy needs to act like he's just a friend in order for me not to be anxious and worry about him.

And for careers? It's just so hard because I like different things and risky things. Singing acting psychology communications business maybe? I just want to do something that makes me happy and will fulfill me. I really don't know at all I'm scared to get a job because I am so afraid of working. I am afraid of having a boss.

And ah. It's hard having so many worries. I just want to be worry-free.

No problem! I see a lot of myself in you.

I don't mean to pretend to be an extravert when you're an introvert -- I could never do that. I just mean back straight, shoulders back, chin up, eyes forward -- posture does wonders. I'm tellin' you.

I am still learning not to take people's ****. It's a process. But I've gotten much better at saying "No." And before you answer someone, you should stop and think if they know what they're asking from you oversteps your own boundaries. If they do, aren't they being mean? And if they don't know, maybe you should make your boundaries clearer at a time when confrontation isn't likely.

Part of the excitement of meeting new people and dating is learning about someone else and sharing things and discovering what you have in common and making connections with each other together. It can feel like Christmas -- even better than it, really -- when you clique with someone. Social media can kill that, IMO. Correspondence is great, however.

I'm the opposite of most girls -- for the longest time, I had more male friends than female friends. Less drama, more fun. And I still find it harder to make female friends.

Have you ever had a job anywhere? Having a boss isn't so bad. I worked at a cafe during my summers and winters home from college, and it gradually helped me come out of my shell. You had to be social with the customers. I hate schmoozing and I hate small talk, but I like fun banter. It was fun. Maybe you should make getting a part-time job next summer one of your goals.

And like I said, you don't have to choose a career just yet. Take classes in everything you're interested in. Narrow it down. Go from there. You have to take it one step at a time.

[Beachlover527]

I just get very anxious when I try to be someone I'm not. It just gives me anxiety that I need to keep being confident.
I just really don't know why I feel like I am deeply truly not that type of person. And I feel like I HAVEEE to stay true to me. And that true person isn't confident allll the time?

I just really want to be with someone. There's this guy I met on twitter. He lives in the same city as me and he's 2 years younger. We have mutual friends. We only talked through text message and twitter and insta. Last night I had a dream about meeting him and we kissed and hugged and looked at each other. It was so adorable. This is my 2nd time he's been in my dream. And the encounters are positive and good. I'm afraid of seeing him in real life bc I'm afraid he might be like **** and insensitive in real life and that he wouldn't like me or my appearance. We've face timed before.
I think he doesn't think about me as much as I think about him. I like him but we've never met.

Maybe I'll get a job soon! Your story me a little more confidence and influenced me to get a job. Sounds like fun.

Originally Posted by Velouria

No problem! I see a lot of myself in you.


I don't mean to pretend to be an extravert when you're an introvert -- I could never do that. I just mean back straight, shoulders back, chin up, eyes forward -- posture does wonders. I'm tellin' you.


I am still learning not to take people's ****. It's a process. But I've gotten much better at saying "No." And before you answer someone, you should stop and think if they know what they're asking from you oversteps your own boundaries. If they do, aren't they being mean? And if they don't know, maybe you should make your boundaries clearer at a time when confrontation isn't likely.


Part of the excitement of meeting new people and dating is learning about someone else and sharing things and discovering what you have in common and making connections with each other together. It can feel like Christmas -- even better than it, really -- when you clique with someone. Social media can kill that, IMO. Correspondence is great, however.


I'm the opposite of most girls -- for the longest time, I had more male friends than female friends. Less drama, more fun. And I still find it harder to make female friends.


Have you ever had a job anywhere? Having a boss isn't so bad. I worked at a cafe during my summers and winters home from college, and it gradually helped me come out of my shell. You had to be social with the customers. I hate schmoozing and I hate small talk, but I like fun banter. It was fun. Maybe you should make getting a part-time job next summer one of your goals.


And like I said, you don't have to choose a career just yet. Take classes in everything you're interested in. Narrow it down. Go from there. You have to take it one step at a time.

[Creative1onder]

Originally Posted by Velouria

One way to build your confidence is to make goals for yourself. They can be small goals, medium-sized goals, large goals, or all three. Just make goals, and follow through. When you fall down, or backslide, don't wallow for too long, and pick yourself up again and keep going until you meet your goals. When I was sick and getting better, one of my goals was literally just to make my bed when I got up in the morning.

Are you sad that you're not assertive, or that people take advantage?

Everybody always thought I had confidence, but I was always really good at faking it. And as the saying goes, "Fake it 'til you make it." The reason why I'm really good at faking it is because I don't want people to take advantage of me, or to **** with me, because I suck at being assertive. When people think you're confident, they're less likely to try take advantage. On the inside I was one big puddle of insecurity. I'm still insecure, but not nearly as bad as when I was 18. I've gotten better as I've gotten older. Plus you just get tired of people's ********.

As for relationships, pro tip: don't stalk their social media. We didn't have any of that, and I am so very glad. But seriously, don't do it. It's not worth it. I get obsessive too, and compulsive, and once you start, you can't stop, and then you start filling in the blanks with your own fears, and you kill it before it even has a chance to breathe. Don't do it.

You're in college, you don't need to fall in love right away. Have fun. Be friends with guys first. Don't look at them as potential boyfriends.

As for careers, it's ridiculous that anyone should be expected to know what they want to be when they grow up when they're 18. You have two years to decide what you want to major in, and then when you enter the workforce, you'll be lucky to be doing something even remotely related to your major. I kid you not. But here's a tip: definitely do an internship if you can, when you get to that point. It'll look good on your resume.

Focus on now. Have fun. I miss college. For as much trouble as I had adjusting and as much anxiety I had in social situations, I wish I could go back. Enjoy it.

Goals can be good but you have to be willing, self motivated, determined, dedicated and optimistic to enable them to be put in practise. You have to be able to visualise positivity in yourself, and believe things can be better and that your worth it. Some people may be good with ideas and thinking about goals but don't always stick to things or carry out what they planned at first. No one can make things happen/change for you except yourself really. Things can't change/improve without optimism and practical constructive efforts to realise things you want and need to take place in life.

[Clara22]

Hi,
To me, it is all the way around. I mean, I have sad thoughts because I have depression. Also, when I am too depressed, I become less assertive. Does it make any sense for you?

[Creative1onder]

If you are passive and negative pessimistic and bottle up feelings you are more likely to get depression than if you have good self esteem, are assertive and optimistic.

[Beachlover527]

Yes. That is true. Do you know how I can start being more confident and have better self esteem?

Originally Posted by Creative1onder

If you are passive and negative pessimistic and bottle up feelings you are more likely to get depression than if you have good self esteem, are assertive and optimistic.

[Beachlover527]

Yes that makes sense.
I don't think I was depressed but I remember the times I smoked weed, I would get the most negative thoughts and I think that had a bit of an effect on my depression.
Like smoking weed made me depressed. I wasn't depressed before. Idk.

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi,
To me, it is all the way around. I mean, I have sad thoughts because I have depression. Also, when I am too depressed, I become less assertive. Does it make any sense for you?

[Creative1onder]

Originally Posted by Beachlover527

Yes. That is true. Do you know how I can start being more confident and have better self esteem?

Confidence comes from within. I can't say how you can be confident cos that's personal to you. But there is a link btw low self esteem passivity and stress and depression. Being confident is something we can develop, it is not forced but a lot of people appear confident when they are not rly. Its about having greater self worth value and care for self as well as engaging well, having harmonious healthy relationships . Assertiveness is really important too, can help a lot in reducing stress, preventing or overcoming depressive/anxious periods, by adopting more positive thinking and responses to negative or difficult people and situations.