Internal Battle

So, I am currently in Partial Hospitalization Program. I just spent two weeks inpatient a little over a week ago. My battle is, I do not want to hurt my family but I am not feeling to safe. I could sit here and crystal ball during this whole Forum about what they might say or how disappointed they would be in me. So instead I am going to post about how I feel.
I had a flashback last night around 3:30pm and It lasted the better part of the morning. I did Mindful meditation, I worked on a puzzle, I took a bath, I told myself that I was safe and yet I still felt like my abuser was with me the whole time. I feel angry, upset, torn, depressed, anxious, tired, ETC. I feel like giving up but I have no desire to reach out for the numbers that were given to me today when I had to sign a NO Harm contract. I feel empty and confused and really wish there was a simpler way to fix how I feel. The pain gets so unbearable. I feel lost. Maybe I am sitting in my own stink, but I just do not have the energy to get out. The fight is almost not worth it. My family say they are here for me but when I need them to listen to me they are on the computer or watching tv saying we are listening when really they are not. Then when they do give me there full attention they roll there eyes or sigh or just plain make me feel worse. Why would I want to fight for that? I hear the therapist say that no one can make me feel the way I do. I can only be the one to change it. Well the internal battle is do I want to change or do i just want to roll over and ...? Thanks to anyone who reads this.

Timeforhelp sorry you are feeling like no one is listening to you, family can be like that. Too busy with their own stuff. Most people do not understand depression especially family. Please don't roll over you are worth the fight! Try and think of the good, fun things you like to do, you can be there again. Pull yourself out of this hole. Life can be good and it will be. Sometimes I don't think it is how we FEEL that needs fixing. It is how we THINK about people and things that needs to be fixed and it is possible for you to do that, I know. I am glad you posted and even though you don't want to use those numbers you got, now is the time to use them. It is your depression telling you not to use them. I hope this helps just a bit and remember you can post or PM me anytime.

Hello Timeforhelp: Depression is so difficult because one of the things you need the most... energy... is one of the things the illness strips away. I'm glad you're practicing mindfulness meditation. And being in the partial hospitalization program should be helpful too. Are you assigned a counselor you could talk with about your feelings? Do you participate in group therapy sessions there, where you could do the same? I participated in a partial program a few years ago & both of those things were helpful. My best wishes to you for a complete recovery!

All I can say is I am very glad you posted here. You can find lots of people who understand and go through similar things. Family often isn't capable of understanding even if they are very supportive. My family is very supportive but sometimes I have relied on them too much. I find I need people who suffer in the same way I do as part of a support network. There is no simple easy fix I am afraid. Many of us know that all to well.

Thank you to everyone!! It is hard and I know I can do it. I just need the support to get through it. I found a friend that I could contact today and we talk for almost four hours. It helped more then I can ever express. The hard part is now at 12am. I took my meds and I'm getting tired but I'm afraid of the Flashbacks. I was given some new coping skills for tonight and I hope if I wake up from one of my night Terrors, that they will work. Oh and I tried to reach out to one of the numbers when I was wanting to cut, but they only made me feel worse. They kept telling me why I could I not do this on my own. Why did I feel I needed help from the hospital again? I do not need to be judged when I'm reaching out for help because that only makes the thoughts stronger. I basically hung up on them. Glad I was not so far down that I could not reach out again. That is why it is so important for the crisis lines to be supportive. I wonder how many suicides happen because they do not feel supported but feel more Judgement??