(For everyone who has self-hate issues, I strongly recommend turning away to another thread NOW, as this gets a bit heavy with the self-hate stuff!)

My life has completely confused the hell out of me already. I'm at the point where I don't know what to think anymore.

OK, so up until now, for about the past two years, I have been suffering with severe depression, initiated by a love confession to a girl gone wrong basically. OK, silly me, I guess. But, that has led to a journey of self-discovery, but ultimately more questions than answers and some pretty awful truths about myself. So, the end result? Severe depression, naturally. After my botched attempt at trying to "win" the love of my life (or what I thought was the love of my life at least) in 2012 by confessing my love to her, I realized I was personally, mentally and emotionally in a lot worse shape than I imagined. I soon saw that I had serious issues. One of them is physical - I'm somewhat overweight. However, the more I dug, the more I realized there is a can of worms to open around every "corner" in my life. Stuff I never even thought about up until that point. The bottom line was - I had issues with my dad all along (from childhood), I had social inhibitions, I was unattractive to women on multiple levels (learnt via self-study information on the web - love "guru" and dating "guru" sites), I was not reaching my full potential as a person (according to my IQ), I realized I was emotionally and mentally bullied at school all along (didn't even know it), and I am generally hated by my peers and colleagues, despite friendly outward appearances on both my and their part.

OK, so now I was totally depressed, I mean, my life was a total disaster. All this stuff was wrong with me. At the same time, and to this day, I am longing for my loved one too, who hasn't spoken to me in nearly two years. I am depressed about the lethargic, fat state I'm in physically, and I'm pretty pissed about how everything had been going wrong for the last two years.

But, just to backtrack a few months, at the end of last year, I started seeing a therapist, who said that she agrees that my life is not going well and the loneliness and isolation is getting to me and it is affecting me negatively. She agreed - I have severe depression. At the start of this year, I went to another therapist - a man. He analyzes me and says I have Asperger's syndrome. OK, so I research it and what do you know, sounds like they wrote the DSM-IV (and autism spec. disorder in DSM-V) by watching me my whole life! Damn eerie, so spot on it hurts! So, I'm happy a little bit because I'm beginning to learn about myself, after 25 years. But, after the euphoria of being "special" I realize, it's nothing to be proud of. I have a list of innate problems ("special qualities") as long as my arm. Back comes the depression. Worse than before. I am a total loser in life, I wasn't just imagining it, here is proof, it's part of my personality! Back comes the severe depression. I realize I will probably never have a normal life.

Now, at the same time, I lost the love of my life, I'm depressed, I'm a young guy, I like girls, so I got into some short-term fun with a few ladies. OK, I won't deny it, it feels great for me and lifts my depression a little. I might be autistic, but I'm still passionate, what can I say? I love girls . But, soon, I get myself caught in some BS and lies. I meet this girl, she seems fine on the outside, but she is nothing but a gold-digger. What happened? I ended up paying her damn rent! I realize it's the story of my life - I get used and abused by people who pretend to care about me. They sense I am lonely and pretend to fill my voids by me filling their purses or what-not. So, I realize I am a fool all my life and I'm depressed more than ever. More and more evidence is stacking up to show me I am a real loser in life, and I probably deserve all the BS coming my way.

BUT, then I started thinking just the other day. What if all of this is happening for a deeper reason? I have autism, and after doing some thinking, I realize maybe I have narcissistic or even psychopathic tendencies too. I mean, it's possible, I struggle with empathy, reading emotions in others, body language, I struggle to see their side of things, and I spend my days alone preferably. So, I sat down and pushed myself to think, to define each and every feeling I feel, and give it a name, my own name, not what others call it (love, happiness, hate, anger, etc.). I sat down and I thought for hours, what is it that really matters in my life, "good" or "bad". I sat and thought, and came up with a shocking answer - very little to nothing .

When I see a girl that looks nice, I get aroused. When I eat junk food, like burgers, chocolate, cola and pizza, I feel great, even sensual. When something or someone screws around in my view or goes against me, I feel angry and disrespected. When it is a human, I leave it, because I am scared of upsetting humans, when it is a thing, I attack it, try to destroy it, and show it the power I have over it since I am a "man" and it is an object. I have even set dead things on fire already just to show it my power and wrath when I am angry.

The sum total of my "feelings" - pleasure and aggression - that's it. You can't even call it emotions, because the variety is so damn primitive. It is true, isn't it? I am a monster . A heartless, compassionless, feelingless monster. A psychopath. Good grief, what can I be capable of if not restrained by rules in modern society? What would I have done already if not for my dear mom and dad who's teaching apparently have reached some part of my brain?

But, then I got thinking. What about all the other emotions I seemingly had up until now, I mean, I did love that girl, didn't I? Huh? Hang on, I did love her, didn't I? No you didn't. But, my love for my work, my passion for science, my love for my parents? Huh? Nope, not real! Not one bit of it!!! But, how do you explain what felt like very real feelings then?

It was all learnt by me and then applied. As an autism sufferer, but with a fairly high IQ (extremely low EQ according to my test result), I am a natural born observer of humans. So I learnt their behaviour, for 25 years already. Then, according to a lovely thing called a psychometric test, I see I am a rare case - yes, I'm an INTJ personality, but I have two peaks, not the normal one - I am a scientist yes, AND an artist. Eighty-five (85) % for the science and 94% for the artist. My evaluator was highly surprised - I am logical/analytical and creative at the same time in the same brain, both high up, not one over the other as expected. What does this all mean? I can observe and analyze the human emotion I see in others, but unlike other autism sufferers who struggle with understanding and reacting upon them (part of empathy), I am then creative and imaginative too and I can mimic empathy for the other person. So I seem totally normal. So, here is this normal-appearing, non-autistic appearing guy who is anything but normal and is autistic. He is a great guy but has no friends. That's because he is a BSer! Underneath the false image, he is a cold-blooded monster, without any feeling whatsoever! I got so good at BSing others, I ended up screwing myself over, and ended up believing that I really did have emotions! What an idiot!

Well, there I had it. Now, what about me being overweight, depressed and losing my special girl that I thought I had loved so much? I say it's great! It was all for a reason . Can you imagine the damage I would have caused to that poor young girl and how much a monster like me would have ruined her entire life? Good grief, can you imagine she had kids with me, some born with autism too? A whole weird family, a son of a ****** for a husband and a poor woman at the centre of it all. Thank goodness it never happened! I'm almost happy for her part. She will meet a great guy one day who REALLY loves her, not me, a no good bastard. She will have normal kids too, not damaged by a ridiculous excuse of a husband/father and no inherent mental issues from birth - great stuff!!!.

So, my being fat my whole life basically (since 8/9) - it is a blessing , not a curse like everyone kept telling me. You see, they don't know the real me. I DO deserve every bad thing that happened to me, it was to protect others from me. I'm sure it was God's way of making sure things didn't go ahead as "I" had planned. He blessed me. I know many of you are sitting in front of your PC now thinking - What the Fzzzck is this guy talking about? Being fat is a blessing? Is he totally insane? You damn right I'm insane. That's my whole problem. I am so screwed up, it is like God had to make a plan to isolate me somehow and not make some girl pregnant one day and not damage people by becoming their friend. OK, my poor parents were innocent pawns, but I mean, I can see what's really going on now. Why was I born? That I still can't figure out, but I'm working on it.

Ask yourself this - do you think someone like me, who is basically a moron, who only really feels primeval aggression and sensual pleasure (sum total of his moronic EQ) deserves a place in society? I'm not even human for goodness sake, I'm sub-human. I belong in the jungle eating bananas and defecating behind a fern. I'm no human-being.

There's no doubt I'm ashamed of who I am and what I am, but I see things more clearly now. I don't know whether I should be depressed anymore. I am actually feeling rather what real humans would call "relieved" I guess. Maybe even happy? Look at what great things were done in my life. If I had been left alone, I would almost certainly be sitting in jail now, with several children I fathered with different women and who knows what other damage I would have caused to myself and others. The monster was tamed and curtailed, and knowing that almost wants to make me smile.

So, I'm really confused now. Obviously I should be extremely depressed when I look at the depraved and deprived life I have lived up until now, but at the same time I feel like I should be happy, because somehow my "problems" saved me much trouble. My problems have kept a monster out of society. People call a fat body a prison. They are right. But, remember, a prison keeps monsters out of society, so it's all good, isn't it?

So, uhmm, what was my question actually, LOL, I don't remember. I guess I answered it, but if I have one it is this - should I pursue a normal life knowing all of this now? Seems pretty pointless.

Also, I have a pretty pointless life really. It is only food and sex that excites/pleases me and other than that I want to shout at stuff and set it on fire. What possible role could an idiot like me have in society? Honestly, I am happy, but if I died right now, I would be just as happy. I'm not suicidal, I'm just saying it wouldn't be a bad thing.

[flours]

wow. I actually see very differentiated range of emotions and thoughts in what you write. so I can't quite confirm your assumption that you are only capable of the two most basic emotions.

also I can recognize a typical depressive line of argument here. it is perfidious with intelligent people because there is always a way to justify in very logical ideas why you are inferior or guilty or whatever feelings you have about yourself. but they come from a depressive mood and have nothing to do with objective reality.

I remember having this monster idea before (that should be gone/ kept from others for the sake of humanity…)

-it's not true. maybe you will agree that all human beings deserve the same chance to be happy.

also I have kind of a private opinion about these personality tests. do you know how these tests are being made? -I wouldn't let myself get labelled by something so stupid, imho.
usually I would listen to mh professionals. but I really resent and reject these tests and even more the ideas they take as a basis!

Originally Posted by flours

wow. I actually see very differentiated range of emotions and thoughts in what you write. so I can't quite confirm your assumption that you are only capable of the two most basic emotions.

also I can recognize a typical depressive line of argument here. it is perfidious with intelligent people because there is always a way to justify in very logical ideas why you are inferior or guilty or whatever feelings you have about yourself. but they come from a depressive mood and have nothing to do with objective reality.

I remember having this monster idea before (that should be gone/ kept from others for the sake of humanity…)

-it's not true. maybe you will agree that all human beings deserve the same chance to be happy.

also I have kind of a private opinion about these personality tests. do you know how these tests are being made? -I wouldn't let myself get labelled by something so stupid, imho.
usually I would listen to mh professionals. but I really resent and reject these tests and even more the ideas they take as a basis!

Thanks so much for what you are saying . I know that others want me to think better of myself, and it seems I am structuring a rather logical if...then kind of argument, but I have looked at it from all angles, and can't figure out what to do. I ask myself what IS my happiness, what makes me happy, nothing does. I have such shallow feelings, the only "happiness" I feel is pleasure - that is when I eat rubbish junk food and am aroused by a girl/during sex. That's it.

It is important to note my seemingly differentiated emotional range is false - it is learned. I have learned the "language" of humans so well, I appear pretty versatile and conversant myself.

You say all humans deserve a chance to be happy. What differentiates us from animals is sufficient EQ to express and understand emotion properly. Animals can't do that. I frankly do not believe anymore that I am even human. I know that sounds weird, but that's how it seems to me now. I was depressed because my apparent handle on human emotion that I had portrayed for so long no longer worked when it finally mattered (when it came to things like real love which is from the heart and is pure - you can't fake that). I convinced myself I was feeling all these emotions because I heard humans calling them by name, and I felt stuff in myself and then I identified it by association and observations of what other people do when they are "happy" or "in love". Who says real normal love and what I thought was "love" that I felt is the same thing? Can I call my "strong attraction/affinity, caring and pleasure-when-in-their-presence for someone" feeling love too, like you or someone else does? It might not even be the same.

I was trying to analyze my "feelings". Maybe all my good feelings that I called love, pleasure, happiness, etc. is one in the same, a more primitive good feeling or nice feeling.

What I am saying is because I am inherently emotionally stupid (EQ = 14/100 ), I simply speak after other people, identifying (a) feeling(s) in me by the name they call it. It might be totally wrong.

When I really break it down, I genuinely only see two real "feelings" in me - that good or nice sensation when I eat/have sex/see a nice girl and that bad and violent sensation when I feel disrespected or angry. OK, I called it pleasure and aggression, but that is in all likelihood the wrong words, I don't know.

[flours]

what makes you think (except those tests which I don't recognize) that if you think you are having certain feelings you do not actually have them?
nobody knows if the feelings we have are the same other people mean by some words.

I am asking this because all this sounds too familiar to me. like there was a status of being a "human being" and "looking like human being but only pretending". I also had that idea before but I think it's wrong. I think it's very wrong!

why would you pretend something so stupid as to be in love with a girl who rejected you?
I think it ****ing hurts and you want to find a way around it. or that you are being cynical. or that you are being so cynical you don't even know it.
sometimes I think this is what depression is.

if what you say is the truth it would be the same whatever girl you meet. it wouldn't have to be her.

and of course emotion can be flattened by depression, too…

besides I will not get into a discussion about what's the difference between animals and humans (and I insist it's not that ridiculous concept of EQ). and why do you think animals don't get emotions?

okay whatever. I don't know if I can convince you of anything or if that would even help you. but I want to say that you helped me.
I am sorry you feel bad and I want you to be better. but besides that it is interesting reading what you write and a challenge for me to respond. thanks, I feel more alive now.

[Altered Moment]

If you have gone through a process of self discovery maybe now you can start a process of self acceptance. Honoring who you are how you are.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yes, you are right, animals have feelings, for sure. I don't know when something is a "feeling" and when it is an "emotion". I get the sense one is more complex than the other and almost has a name. I don't know which one I am experiencing.

I challenged the idea of normal emotions in myself, because I feel what I was believing clearly was not working for me. Maybe pretending is not the right word. It is extremely difficult for me to put into words what I am trying to say.

It is like I feel some kind of feeling X. Now I feel it say for the first time in my life (OK, I felt other things like when I was a child, but let's say the feeling of "love" for a girl, which comes later in life for the first time). I don't know what it is. I feel a warm, soft feeling when I think of this girl and when I see her. It is a feeling also like I want to protect her and I want to hold her in my arms. It is a feeling like I want to touch her softly and I want to take care of her. It is also a feeling that I want to be alone with her only in a room and then I want to kiss her and feel her against me. I also dream of special (not ordinary) sex/"making love" with her. On TV and everywhere, for 25 years, I have heard people saying this is defined as "love" that you feel for someone special, usually a person of the opposite sex (not including homosexual people of course, who feel this feeling for the same sex obviously). You also feel it for one person only and they are very special in your life, and when that person is gone, you feel sad and long for them. So, I can confirm all these "elements/components" to the "emotion". I say YES, I feel all of them too. Now, I compose the whole lot together and I agree, I am convinced what I felt is "love", as it is named by the universal conventional name worldwide. We pretty much all agree on what these elements constitute in each emotion.

But, can you see what I am saying? Yes, the elements are there, but for me it feels like the same feeling the whole time and just some of the components are missing or there are new ones present in situation X where they were not in situation Y. People call it say "love" and "happiness". For me, I can't even identify what is what. I just feel a good feeling inside, that I can see OK, it is not the same as the way I feel for the girl. For example, I don't miss the burger as much as I miss her. But, that's exactly my problem.

I am so idiotic, I only realized I felt some kind of feeling for her once she was out of my life already too, I started longing for her, and by deduction I said to myself, so she must have had some kind of place in my heart or somewhere. The only conclusion I could come up with is that I must have "loved" her, since it pains now so much when she is gone and when I think she is perhaps with another man. But, I don't even know what to call it. My feelings are ***-backwards and in reverse! I have to deduce feelings from the absence or presence of other "elements/components". It is extremely confusing and quite frankly I often have no idea what I am feeling any more .

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

If you have gone through a process of self discovery maybe now you can start a process of self acceptance. Honoring who you are how you are.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yes, exactly. That is what I have started trying to do. I did all of this almost to fit in, so that I can at least seem like I am like a normal human with emotions.

Can you imagine if people saw the real, primitive me with my two primeval feelings - lust and rage? They would all ignore me. Well, they actually do that already to be honest. I guess you can't fake emotion, you either feel it or you don't (my case).

[flours]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Yes, you are right, animals have feelings, for sure. I don't know when something is a "feeling" and when it is an "emotion". I get the sense one is more complex than the other and almost has a name. I don't know which one I am experiencing.

I challenged the idea of normal emotions in myself, because I feel what I was believing clearly was not working for me. Maybe pretending is not the right word. It is extremely difficult for me to put into words what I am trying to say.

It is like I feel some kind of feeling X. Now I feel it say for the first time in my life (OK, I felt other things like when I was a child, but let's say the feeling of "love" for a girl, which comes later in life for the first time). I don't know what it is. I feel a warm, soft feeling when I think of this girl and when I see her. It is a feeling also like I want to protect her and I want to hold her in my arms. It is a feeling like I want to touch her softly and I want to take care of her. It is also a feeling that I want to be alone with her only in a room and then I want to kiss her and feel her against me. I also dream of special (not ordinary) sex/"making love" with her. On TV and everywhere, for 25 years, I have heard people saying this is defined as "love" that you feel for someone special, usually a person of the opposite sex (not including homosexual people of course, who feel this feeling for the same sex obviously). You also feel it for one person only and they are very special in your life, and when that person is gone, you feel sad and long for them. So, I can confirm all these "elements/components" to the "emotion". I say YES, I feel all of them too. Now, I compose the whole lot together and I agree, I am convinced what I felt is "love", as it is named by the universal conventional name worldwide. We pretty much all agree on what these elements constitute in each emotion.

But, can you see what I am saying? Yes, the elements are there, but for me it feels like the same feeling the whole time and just some of the components are missing or there are new ones present in situation X where they were not in situation Y. People call it say "love" and "happiness". For me, I can't even identify what is what. I just feel a good feeling inside, that I can see OK, it is not the same as the way I feel for the girl. For example, I don't miss the burger as much as I miss her. But, that's exactly my problem.

I am so idiotic, I only realized I felt some kind of feeling for her once she was out of my life already too, I started longing for her, and by deduction I said to myself, so she must have had some kind of place in my heart or somewhere. The only conclusion I could come up with is that I must have "loved" her, since it pains now so much when she is gone and when I think she is perhaps with another man. But, I don't even know what to call it. My feelings are ***-backwards and in reverse! I have to deduce feelings from the absence or presence of other "elements/components". It is extremely confusing and quite frankly I often have no idea what I am feeling any more .

okay, not quite sure if I get this. but here my examples so you can say if it is any similar:
when I was a child I often confused being hungry and being tired. honestly this still happens to me sometimes. I just knew I was lacking something.

I don't think it is so uncommon to not be sure about what emotions (sorry, English is not my mother tongue so I don't get the difference between feelings and emotions)
you have.

also it's sometimes hard for me, if I try to remember something I felt, to say if I actually felt it because in my memory it's becoming something very abstract.
this is something nasty about depression I noticed. I experienced times when I didn't feel anything and I tried to hold on to my memory of what I felt for my family for example but also very much about my own life.
I couldn't quite remember at some point what it was like to be afraid to die. and then I questioned if that has ever been a real thing.

Originally Posted by flours

okay, not quite sure if I get this. but here my examples so you can say if it is any similar:
when I was a child I often confused being hungry and being tired. honestly this still happens to me sometimes. I just knew I was lacking something.

I don't think it is so uncommon to not be sure about what emotions (sorry, English is not my mother tongue so I don't get the difference between feelings and emotions)
you have.

also it's sometimes hard for me, if I try to remember something I felt, to say if I actually felt it because in my memory it's becoming something very abstract.
this is something nasty about depression I noticed. I experienced times when I didn't feel anything and I tried to hold on to my memory of what I felt for my family for example but also very much about my own life.
I couldn't quite remember at some point what it was like to be afraid to die. and then I questioned if that has ever been a real thing.

Yes, that is true what you say! Thank you . I also try to remember what a certain feeling felt like. I know in my past for example I used to love my work, my academics at university and school. I can't even remember how that felt anymore . Yes, and also the fear of death. I am totally unafraid of it. But, when I was a child, I was scared of dying! I was scared of snakes and spiders and stuff that are poisonous and can kill you. Now, it is almost like dying is totally OK, and I won't mind experiencing it .

I have an incomplete "set" of feelings in comparison with normal people. I feel only negative things. I feel one positive thing only and that is the pleasure I speak of - eating and sex. It is a primitive positive feeling, like a nice rush almost, nothing more, I can't even put a name to it. Other than that all I feel is negative things - aggression and loss. That is why I say, I don't know the feelings. So, like with the girl I spoke of, I feel loss now that she is gone, there is a "hole/void" in my heart. So all I can conclude is that she must have filled it somehow. What that feeling's name is I have no idea. I also did not feel it when it was there! It is when it is gone I can only sense it's absence . OK, I study geology at university. It is like this. When you go into the field and look at rocks there is a place where you can see all the stuff on top of the rock is eroded away. All you know is there was something above it. But, that information is gone because it is not there in place any more for you to see it in the rock. You cannot predict how much or what type of rocks it was that was lying there on top of that rock and erosion surface you are now looking at. It can be any rock - sandstone, shale - you will never know - it is gone and is lying somewhere in the form of sand and clay in a river bed. All you know is, there was rocks above it that is now eroded away. I have the same problem with my feelings .

[flours]

yeah, okay, now I get it.

you know what is funny - I consider the experience of depression as something enriching to my life despite all the lack that it actually is.

still I think I have not understood so complicated feelings before. and I think I have become more insightful. for example I am surprised by how many pieces of art and literature make so much more sense to me now.
so eventually it is broadening the range of feelings that I can understand.
even if it is taking so much away at the moment it is happening. just saying, … kind of ironic.

Originally Posted by flours

yeah, okay, now I get it.

you know what is funny - I consider the experience of depression as something enriching to my life despite all the lack that it actually is.

still I think I have not understood so complicated feelings before. and I think I have become more insightful. for example I am surprised by how many pieces of art and literature make so much more sense to me now.
so eventually it is broadening the range of feelings that I can understand.
even if it is taking so much away at the moment it is happening. just saying, … kind of ironic.

Yes, you are so right! I don't think anything else in my life could have taught me so much, especially about myself! I never knew I had all of these issues. I might not like them, but I understand myself a lot better now. I always say, whatever happens, bad or good, a person must always see what information you can extract out of it, to grow in knowledge.

You make a lot of sense. Maybe, because my range of feelings was so limited, I began to feel new feelings in my life, and it is so overwhelming that I became confused, and hence the feeling of depression, and "not getting it" like other people just do naturally. You then feel isolated and that strengthens depression. That was a key driving force in my depression - my apparent "difference" from other "normal" people.

[flours]

how are you doing now?
do you feel any different about yourself?

Originally Posted by flours

how are you doing now?
do you feel any different about yourself?

Hi Flours, thanks for caring . Not too well actually, I was rather suicidal yesterday actually. Started hearing some voices again at night the previous night, which weren't there for a long time. My T says it's nothing to worry about, and they're not threatening or anything, more gibberish than anything else, but just been feeling sad for a while again .

[flours]

(((((StbGuy)))))
Hope you are getting better soon!

Originally Posted by flours

(((((StbGuy)))))
Hope you are getting better soon!

Thanks so much . Wow, I only noticed your mood icon now, may I ask why you are in a lot of pain? ((((((Flours))))))

[flours]

I should change it to this.
thanks for asking. why is a very complicated question. just fighting a little setback.

Originally Posted by flours

I should change it to this.
thanks for asking. why is a very complicated question. just fighting a little setback.

Many hugs (((Flours))). If you need someone, feel free to contact me any time. I doubt I'll be sleeping much from now on again, so I'll be available!

[flours]

your image + update is super funny!

anyway

Originally Posted by flours

your image + update is super funny!

anyway

Thanks , I love old logos and signs and those kinds of things. I like to call it functional art. I used to draw things like that when I was young, don't know what went wrong - don't do it anymore .

[flours]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Thanks , I love old logos and signs and those kinds of things. I like to call it functional art. I used to draw things like that when I was young, don't know what went wrong - don't do it anymore .

what you are doing now is better!
because you make people smile. if you have a pile of drawings that's also cool but using funny witty stuff to communicate is better because it gets applied.

Originally Posted by flours

what you are doing now is better!
because you make people smile. if you have a pile of drawings that's also cool but using funny witty stuff to communicate is better because it gets applied.

Thanks, you are making my day a lot better . Drawing is actually my first love one could say, but when I say drawing, I should probably say designing, or, well, doing functional, simple yet complex art. But, it's probably been about 10 years since I have done something like that. The closest I get is designing posters or presentations. I am a scientist at the moment, and spend most of my days in the lab or on the computer researching stuff. The technical challenge of it is great, because of my ASD mind, I like that - anything technical/detailed. But, it's not making me happy, but then again nothing really does anymore . So, I really appreciate your words, they are uplifting on many levels for me at the moment. Thanks so much .