maybe this is the time time to go

Therapy, growing self esteem, figuring out what you want, can all take a long time. Be patient. What's important is to keep working on it and moving in the right direction. Supportive friends outside of work is a good idea. That can take time to cultivate and can even come from drunk shallow stuff if you meet a girl at take it to deeper levels.

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all the dark thoughts that I'd been fighting are coming back. I can watch myself judging everything more and more negatively. what if it stays like this for the rest of my life? what if for me the only way to have company is to get drunk with some strangers? I don't even like to get drunk that much. I feel really bad about it. but I don't know how to meet people without. why is it that I am not with friends? I don't have anyone who I meet regularly. I wonder why.
what if I will never have any real friends? those that I made before didn't seem to last. what if I cannot meet a partner, ever? I went out with a small group yesterday and all of them were in relationships. all of them!
what if I tried all my possibilities and I am just too old and ****ed up. I think I just missed all my chances. I wasted my life. I wasted my potential on some insane unlikely dream. I could have done anything, I could have studied something else and be in a good job now and have some academic achievements and be recognized. but instead I am getting drunk and hope that something stupid happens to me on my way so I never get home.

Just remember that the essence of earth life is change. Everything changes, even our moods and opportunities. You'll get chances for things you want all through your life. Nothing is ever permanent.

it's been like this forever.
I don't want to do this anymore. I can't do this anymore...

you said earlier you had similar problems as me when you were young. how did you overcome those problems?

I had interests I pursued. I made a good friend in high school who passed away unfortunately when we were 33. But before then he was a huge help to me. And I had my cat I loved dearly. And my apartment. I was reading all the time, and joined classes, had opportunities for making friends away from alcohol. That's why I hoped you had some sort of passionate interest you could lose yourself in. Don't worry if you don't yet. Listen to lots of music, that's always helped me. It's like a good drug. I'm not completely awake yet, I'll see if I can think of more.

ETA: writing. Write poetry and/or a novel. You can get a huge rush from that, an amazing high.

And physical exercise, that's really important.

But with those new people you hung out with, maybe they'd become closer friends if you gave it time. But very few friendships will connect on a deeper level. That's why they invented encounter groups in the 60s and everyone was doing acid. :/

ETA: Another idea is if you have a favorite TV show or band, you can join fan sites and they may have conventions (like Comic Con, etc.).

You never know where you might meet that one or two people you'll really connect with. Most, if they already have families or whatever, will stay on superficial ground. The best chances are with others in similar circumstances to yours. Don't go out with couples if you're single unless you want them to set you up on blind dates.

thank you so much...

I didn't know I was going to end up with couples. I wanted to meet one friend and he brought more friends. and also it happens to me a lot that I think some guy is interesting and interested because they act like it and it turns out they have a girlfriend. maybe I misinterpret everything all the time. just when they really want to talk to me all the time and make a lot of eye contact I think they might like me. but I am always wrong.

I have many acquaintances but no real friends. most of the time it doesn't bother me. but sometimes I feel lonely and I don't know who I can talk to. there is nobody I can talk to about my private problems.
thank god I am not into drugs…

I have a passion I peruse and it's my work. and all these drinking people are connected to it. there is no space for other things. it's a real dilemma.
although writing seems like an interesting idea. maybe I can fit in some time for that. I do exercise. started it because of depression and it helps a little.

I am willing to try anything. but feel nothing is happening, nothing is improving although I am trying to do everything right. there is no "right way" for me to go. it's tricky. I have to figure out what's good and what's not.
for example I think drinking is a bad idea. but meeting people is a good one. so if it only comes together I have to decide.
I want to peruse my passion because it's giving some purpose to my life and I want nothing else but it's also killing me because it's so hard and I am struggling so bad because I am not sure if I am good enough compared to my colleagues. so much competition. it's so hard to keep going.

you're right, if I could get myself some self-esteem these problems may go away. but I don't know how if I am failing all the time.

What if, what if, what if. It is called catastrophizing. A way of thinking we get into. Not rational. Trust me I know the thinking and it causes me extreme anxiety. The truth is nothing is permanent. Things are always changing. The only constant is change. Just keep trying and things will get better or they won't but they will change. Either way you will learn to cope.

Try focusing only on what is in front of you. Staying in the moment. One day at a time. Mindfulness. Screw the future. None of us knows what it holds.

The men are probably interested in you, even though they have girlfriends. Otherwise they wouldn't act that way, although it may be different in your circle. Are you involved with acting? That's a tough field, any performance field is tough.

To tide you over, I just read about 7 cups of tea here somewhere, it's a chat thing you can go to if you need to talk to someone. There are also helplines, and there may be group therapy held in your area too. A lot of people have these same problems. Most people just live in "quiet desperation". If you don't have close people in your life the loneliness can really be unbearable, I know. Well, think about possibilities. Check your local paper for singles events (not necessarily for dating but maybe things like classes if you could fit something like that in). I might still think of other suggestions but you're the best judge of what you think may interest you. I wish you wonderful luck.

Thank you so much!!! your advice is really helping.
I am so grateful for your answers!

I don't know what I want. I just consist of an intense feeling of dislike right now.
been trying to figure out if there is anything that I would like, instantly. couldn't think of anything except some food sometimes. don't even want to be depressed or alone or with people. it's all the same and I don't like it.

Try to remember that it's a feeling and it will pass. You'll want to go to work probably, and you'll want to smell fresh air, or whatever else are tiny things about a day that you do appreciate, especially when you don't feel like this so much. Try to think of the small things about a day that you forget you really do like, like the smell of fresh air.

I've been thinking about this more and realized I feel mostly overwhelmed by things I am supposed to do. even I do them because of something I want to achieve. and it makes me procrastinate.
all the time I feel like I am in a hurry and something bad will happen if I don't do things in time, quickly and perfectly. so I shut down and do nothing at all, remaining in paralysis or get distracted, rather than start my work because if I will this feeling of being overwhelmed is coming back and I get lost in despair and hopelessness.

when I went to school I hated it. but after I came home it was only my own time. I could do things I like. now there is nothing like that. I like my work but I don't feel I have enough time to enjoy it. I always have to hurry. if I had time or felt like I have time maybe I'd be a lot better at what I do!
I would like to get this feeling back that I can spend my time on a single thing that I do thoroughly and enjoy it. I think everyone can tell if somebody likes to do what they do. and if not people stay away.

I don't quite see the truth in the last sentence. I used to have jobs I hated and I still saw my friends?

I rather mean career-wise.
but I also think being happy with your life is more attractive to other people generally. I may be wrong. I don't know.

I am basically just guessing everything I say...

No, you're right. I guess I was forgetting all your friends are at your work right now.

I just get caught in really confused, unorganized ideas and issues…

only trying to make sense, find out something that could help. don't know. everything is weird.

just don't feel like doing nothing but don't know what to do either. I'm desperate. but I don't really give up. sometimes I feel very stupid about it. about not giving up. does it make any sense?

It does to me. I have had that feeling, I call it dysphoria but for me it's mixed with despair. For you too? I don't know what to do for myself when I feel that way. Have you been eating?

yes, exactly.
...
I'm afraid if I give in to inactivity I will slide back into a deep low for a longer period. but I feel also very tired. just bad. I guess I just have to wait and feel bad. would be so much easier if it was just a broken heart rather than depression. but I'm afraid it's depression. just triggered. I was so happy to get out of it :-(

yes I have eaten but I could eat everything that is in my fridge right now…

Are you in therapy or anything right now? For much of my life I was, and if you have a good therapist that can help a lot.

(too worried to answer the last one)

looking at the things that happened and I did today I would say it was a very good day. I did some really interesting things with interesting people. I even went out and didn't drink. was rather calm that way but alright. they all thought I was on drugs or something. I was seeing a concert and even had a nice chat with the band. I wasn't showing a bad mood or anything to anyone but just acted normally. I also got very good news from another friend via email, I got invited to a party by a girl who I thought didn't like me (maybe it's true but she invited me anyway) and I did some things I wanted to do during the last couple of days and had always delayed. one of these was a lot less work than I had expected because of a lucky coincidence. no actually all of them went really really smoothly so far.

but I felt really bad, very tired. never felt even comfortable during the whole day. I hate that.
things get me down so easily. but they don't get me back when they're good. it's like a oneway street. this is so unfair.
I tried to be happy about some of the things but didn't put pressure either.

I should at least be relieved or whatever.
I can still do things! I can "not get drunk" when with people. good things can happen. I can talk to strangers which I didn't use to. I saw many interesting things today. I had many interesting thoughts today. I was able to socialize at least a little bit although I didn't feel good. I still don't feel good. I want that feeling back so bad. it's just a couple of days ago. it's like the sunlight has suddenly gone!

Give yourself time. It's only been a couple days since someone broke up with you. You'll have days like this again, where things go well, and you're in the presence of interesting people and things. The more you do it, the more likely you are to find yourself having a nice time. And feel it.

it wasn't a breakup. just some person I barley know decided to send me no more emails. that's all.

That would be a minor break up in my book. It hurts if you think you were close.