Self-esteem

I think what brings me down everyday is feeling like I am not good enough. It's not something that is just on the surface. It is something I feel deep deep deep deep down that I wish I didn't feel. I genuinely don't feel good about myself even though I try very hard to feel good about me. I feel like I am: not funny enough, not outgoing enough, not genuine enough, not talkative enough, *****not normal enough****, not independent enough, not confident enough, not emotionally strong enough, too sensitive, too negative, dumb, not feminine enough (even though I dress like a girl), not pretty enough, not smart enough, fake, too shy, not someone who others can depend on (even though I really really really want others to feel like they can trust me), not logical enough, too much mood changing, too emotional, weak, not happy enough, not skilled enough, not active enough, my body isn't perfect enough, not motivated enough, too hopeless, obsessive, dependent on others, not easily likeable (even tho people do like me but I want to be easily likeable very very very very bad), not witty enough, not quick minded enough, submissive(I work very hard not to be this anymore but it's hard to fight it), I don't have enough knowledge, not wise enough, not a good dancer, I'm not the best singer I have heard, I'm not the best actor I have seen, immature, unstable, unimportant, flawed, imperfect, have many mistakes, too regretful, I live in my head too much, I get scared easily, I get nervous easily, anxious easily, sad easily, discouraged easily, annoyed easily, addicted to computer game, irresponsible, disorganized, not well in the head, not clear, foggy, feeling small, etc.

Wow that's a lot. I feel insecure from all these things. I want to feel whole. That's all I want. To feel whole, confident, and happy.

That a lot of not enough not enough not enough.

Maybe work on accepting yourself exactly as you are right now. You may change in the future but right NOW. You are perfect exactly as you are in this moment in time.

How are you trying to feel good about yourself?

Personally, I have never succeeded in feeling good about myself by any direct means. If I have ever had those feelings, it has come as a result of indirect means.

We live in a world constantly throwing not-good-enough messages at us. Could corrosive messages from your surroundings be part of the problem?

I don't think I can. I'm a perfectionist so I can't accept not being perfect. Idk what to do. How does one fully accept themselves?

Well I was I this app called happier and there are courses that can help you become happy. I took a course to make yourself feel confident in who you are so it's stuff like write down 5 things you love about yourself, etc.
And yes society makes me feel not good about myself too.

Well it takes work and maybe therapy. Questioning of your values and assumptions and expectations. How much of it is your own expectations and perfectionism and how much is external societal/ family expectations that you have incorporated. Why do you need to be perfect? Getting at the core causes of that trait.

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I'm already in therapy. It's like half me, half external. I need to be perfect because I want to be the best I can be while living this short life. I can't stand being who I am. I need to be the best. I need to stand out. I need to be seen. I want to feel very good about myself with my looks, personality, and career. But I'm not really happy with any of those.

I'm not sure if any of us ever is truly happy with ourselves. So you are not alone. Try to focus on the good things about yourself, I'm sure you will see they outweigh the bad. Have you tried therapy? It made a huge difference with me. Maybe it would for you too.

No matter how much I focus on the good, it doesn't cancel out the bad sadly. My bad qualities are much stronger on me than the good. I am sick of not feeling good about myself. I don't like my face, I have something not normal about my body that I won't say, and I don't like my personality. I just am exhausted

I really do know how you feel but you are slipping down the dangerous slope of depression. I hope you can see that and seek the help you need. Maybe a med adjustment or extra therapy would help. I only suggest this because I was in the same boat and was suicidal and after getting some help I am balanced again. Life can get better if you take a few baby steps to get you there. You CAN do it, you just have to tell yourself over and over. You might have to fight many battles before you win the war but you CAN do it!
Even if you can only think of one of two positive things about yourself, focus on those.

Okay I was always debating on whether or not I had depression or if I was just creating myself to be sad. But after you said you said I have it or I'm on the road to having it when I think I already do. I definitely don't feel good about me anymore. I don't feel important like I used to. I don't feel as smart as I used to. (I think all the AP classes I took throughout highschool completely shattered by confidence because everyone else GOT the lesson while I was confused most of the time, I even cried to my teacher at the end of class). I think I do have depression if I don't feel confident every day and I feel like I'm barely hanging on to any confidence I have.

I felt suicidal before too. It was really really bad before I started therapy. I was thinking about death everyday and no one knew how sad I felt. Honestly focusing on my good qualities don't help. I don't even know what is good about myself anymore. I feel not good. That's all I can say.

Thank you, you have given me more hope than I had. You are proof for hope.

I was complaining to a therapist once that I always came in 2nd place. It was the story of my life. My buddies were always a second faster or scored more goals. The therapist asked me what was wrong with second place. That it was actually a pretty good achievement and I should pat myself on the back. I had really never thought of it that way before that. I was competing with some very talented athletes and the fact that I could even compete was a big accomplishment. Why do you have to be the best? Maybe it is unrealistic.

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What if I don't even come in any place? Or what if I get first place and then no place afterwards?
Being in what place doesn't have to do with my feelings.
I just feel defeated. I feel powerless. I feel not good enough for myself. I feel worthless. I feel not important. I feel FLAWED. I feel abnormal. I feel like I have many mistakes within me and people should not get close to me because they will enter Hell. I feel so bad about myself and I can't do anything about it because it's who I am but I am so dissatisfied with my true self. My true self is weird, not logical, not smart, disorganized, clumsy, stupid, all over the place, dumb, not confident, helpful, but I also give way too much for my own good, I don't respect myself fully and I've tried for so many years to figure how to do this, and many more.
It's hard to be me. It's hard to BE me. It's hard to accept myself and love myself when I dislike myself very much.

I also don't want to be super confident because I want to make others feel like I am intimidating. I like to stay humble and just like the rest but it's hard feeling horrible about yourself. I just don't want to scare people or trick people to think I am so confident about who I am and that they should not talk to me. They might think I am superior than them with no problems when really, I DO have problems just like them. I feel bad I feel like I'm leaving my people if I start to be confident. I'm leaving the ones who need me. Who need inspiration. Weird right?

Your feeling are certainly valid. You feel how you feel. I was trying to address your statements- "I need to be perfect". "I need to be the best". Maybe you can challenge those beliefs. I think we all want to be successful and admired and still be humble. I have a choice in defining what success means for me.

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It's very hard for me to challenge those beliefs. I am not satisfied with who I am, I am genuinely not satisfied. I need to be more than I already am to be happy with myself. This means having a successful life with beautiful looks and also a loving man. I also want to start being pleased with my personality but I hate it.

wow, I am just the same!
but only some of the time. sometimes I feel fine about myself and that's mostly when I am by myself and I am not surrounded by people I compare myself to or who criticize me.

I am in a very competitive environment and it really gets to me. as a child or during school I used to be the best at something I was doing. I wasn't pretty or popular but I was clever and among the best students in that school. but when I went to study there were lot's of people who used to be best at what they were doing at their schools.
so it's hard to get used to not being best anymore.
and on top of that they were all pretty and popular!
and on top of that being pretty and popular helped them to be even more successful.

that makes me feel awful at times.

but sometimes I talk to other people who do completely different things and I tell them about my life and I realize how great it sounds when I tell them what I have achieved.

I know that there is always someone in this world who is better at something. we do have to deal with it. but it doesn't mean they have better lifes though.
there is one person I really admire a lot and I am jealous of his career and his skills. but he is a heavy alcoholic, uses lots of drugs, and his wife left him. -so I don't want his life! no need to be jealous here. I just have to remember that sometimes.

and perfectionism I know well, too. the only way to get out of it is when you decide to say "it's fine" and then it is fine. you need to put a limit at some point. because otherwise it goes on and on… never ending, forever bothering you. no matter how great you already are!

In my younger years, I too was the one of best. I was smart, well liked, normal in the head, wasn't insecure, etc. But suddenly it all changed. I no longer feel like I have anything good about me. I lost that love I had for myself and now I can't find things to love about myself, I literally can't.
It's NOT fine to be who I am. I can't stand myself. I can't stand what I do Even IF it is really me. I can't stand that I'm super curious about certain things, that may annoy lots of people. I am very weird. I can't stand it.

was that change caused by anything or did it happen just like that?
for me it was changing circumstances but I don't know if it is the same for you.

you seem to have strong ideas about what you should not be like. do you have any idea of what would be acceptable for you?

I am just asking because I am not sure if your problem is that you want to change something exterior or if you need to change your feelings to be better.

Stole this from another thread.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/other...stortions.html

15 Common Cognitive Distortions
(source: 15 Common Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central )
What’s a cognitive distortion and why do so many people have them? Cognitive distortions are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves.
For instance, a person might tell themselves, “I always fail when I try to do something new; I therefore fail at everything I try.” This is an example of “black or white” (orpolarized) thinking. The person is only seeing things in absolutes — that if they fail at one thing, they must fail at all things. If they added, “I must be a complete loser and failure” to their thinking, that would also be an example of overgeneralization — taking a failure at one specific task and generalizing it their very self and identity.
Cognitive distortions are at the core of what many cognitive-behavioral and other kinds of therapists try and help a person learn to change in psychotherapy. By learning to correctly identify this kind of “stinkin’ thinkin’,” a person can then answer the negative thinking back, and refute it. By refuting the negative thinking over and over again, it will slowly diminish overtime and be automatically replaced by more rational, balanced thinking.
Cognitive Distortions
Aaron Beck first proposed the theory behind cognitive distortions and David Burns was responsible for popularizing it with common names and examples for the distortions.
1. Filtering.
We take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted.
2. Polarized Thinking (or “Black and White” Thinking).
In polarized thinking, things are either “black-or-white.” We have to be perfect or we’re a failure — there is no middle ground. You place people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and situations. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.
3. Overgeneralization.
In this cognitive distortion, we come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or a single piece of evidence. If something bad happens only once, we expect it to happen over and over again. A person may see a single, unpleasant event as part of a never-ending pattern of defeat.

4. Jumping to Conclusions.
Without individuals saying so, we know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, we are able to determine how people are feeling toward us.
For example, a person may conclude that someone is reacting negatively toward them but doesn’t actually bother to find out if they are correct. Another example is a person may anticipate that things will turn out badly, and will feel convinced that their prediction is already an established fact.
5. Catastrophizing.
We expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as “magnifying or minimizing.” We hear about a problem and use what if questions (e.g., “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to me?”).
For example, a person might exaggerate the importance of insignificant events (such as their mistake, or someone else’s achievement). Or they may inappropriately shrink the magnitude of significant events until they appear tiny (for example, a person’s own desirable qualities or someone else’s imperfections).
With practice, you can learn to answer each of these cognitive distortions.
6. Personalization.
Personalization is a distortion where a person believes that everything others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to the person. We also compare ourselves to others trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc.
A person engaging in personalization may also see themselves as the cause of some unhealthy external event that they were not responsible for. For example, “We were late to the dinner party and caused the hostess to overcook the meal. If I had only pushed my husband to leave on time, this wouldn’t have happened.”
7. Control Fallacies.
If we feel externally controlled, we see ourselves as helpless a victim of fate. For example, “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor, my boss demanded I work overtime on it.” The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For example, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?”
8. Fallacy of Fairness.
We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won’t agree with us. As our parents tell us when we’re growing up and something doesn’t go our way, “Life isn’t always fair.” People who go through life applying a measuring ruler against every situation judging its “fairness” will often feel badly and negative because of it. Because life isn’t “fair” — things will not always work out in your favor, even when you think they should.
9. Blaming.
We hold other people responsible for our pain, or take the other track and blame ourselves for every problem. For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and emotional reactions.
10. Shoulds.
We have a list of ironclad rules about how others and we should behave. People who break the rules make us angry, and we feel guilty when we violate these rules. A person may often believe they are trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything.
For example, “I really should exercise. I shouldn’t be so lazy.” Mustsand oughts are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When a person directs should statements toward others, they often feel anger, frustration and resentment.
11. Emotional Reasoning.
We believe that what we feel must be true automatically. If we feel stupid and boring, then we must be stupid and boring. You assume that your unhealthy emotions reflect the way things really are — “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”
12. Fallacy of Change.
We expect that other people will change to suit us if we just pressure or cajole them enough. We need to change people because our hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.
13. Global Labeling.
We generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. These are extreme forms of generalizing, and are also referred to as “labeling” and “mislabeling.” Instead of describing an error in context of a specific situation, a person will attach an unhealthy label to themselves.
For example, they may say, “I’m a loser” in a situation where they failed at a specific task. When someone else’s behavior rubs a person the wrong way, they may attach an unhealthy label to him, such as “He’s a real jerk.” Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded. For example, instead of saying someone drops her children off at daycare every day, a person who is mislabeling might say that “she abandons her children to strangers.”
14. Always Being Right.
We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” Being right often is more important than the feelings of others around a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, even loved ones.
15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy.
We expect our sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if someone is keeping score. We feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come.

You might try these sections.

Steps to Better Self-Esteem - Forums at Psych Central

Self-Help Ideas and Goal Setting - Forums at Psych Central

Thank you zinco. I can relate to the Filtering. My version of reality definitely was darkened. And I can relate to 3, 4, 9, 10!!!!, 11 kinda. Yup. Thanks for that! I'm seeing my therapist in an hour so I'll talk to her about this.