It's only my mom that really believes I'm really depressed.

I overheard my dad talking to my mom that I'm just making up 'excuses', I don't know what that even means. He said some really hurtful things about me being 'worthless' and 'incapable'. I can't blame him because I think I have everything to be 'not depressed', I'm a perfectly normal kid with a loving family.

I really don't have that many 'allies', I thought my dad knew me, he doesn't, and I feel like it's only my mother who understands me. I've always kept quiet, don't share much, and I think it leads people to think I'm fine. I've often reached out to my friends who're depressed too, I've learned a bit about depression over the years, I try to give them advice on how to cope with it, they say it helps and I comfort them, it means a lot.

But it's all 'Do as I say, not as I do', I'm only echoing what others have told me on how to deal with depression, and I'm glad I can be of some comfort to my friends.

What hurt me most is the fact that my dad, he could've said it to my face, why be nice to me, and speak differently of me when I'm not around? I've talked to my mom about my depression, and she has advised me to seek help and is supportive, but my dad on the other hand, thinks I'm 'weak'. Not even my dad understands me, so I don't expect else anyone to. I wish I could prove him wrong?

[Altered Moment]

Sorry. That is really tough. Trying to live up to a Fathers expectations is a very difficult thing. I struggled with that for years. Or at least my perception of what his expectations were. I am 50 now and he is 72. I am absolutely amazed at how understanding he is of my depression. It is like a total 180 from when I was a teen. I hope your dad will get more educated and understanding.

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

Sorry. That is really tough. Trying to live up to a Fathers expectations is a very difficult thing. I struggled with that for years. Or at least my perception of what his expectations were. I am 50 now and he is 72. I am absolutely amazed at how understanding he is of my depression. It is like a total 180 from when I was a teen. I hope your dad will get more educated and understanding.

Thank you for your reply.

Sometimes I feel like my feelings and happiness doesn't matter. It's all about living up to my dad's expectations.

I wonder if I prove to him that I'm strong and can handle myself, will he see things differently? I feel like I shouldn't have to prove anything to my father of all people.

What hurts me most is that he never talks to me about why he thinks I'm 'worthless' or 'weak'.

[Frankbtl]

Hi brokenentity, I'm really sorry you had to hear that...........and you maybe feel betrayed, rejected, let down by your dad alongside the hurt??
But this: "I can't blame him because I think I have everything to be 'not depressed', I'm a perfectly normal kid with a loving family"........you can have absolutely everything anyone could dream of and more but that doesn't make you immune from depression and everything that goes with it. It is not your fault the way you feel like you do
And you know none of it's excuses, you're not worthless, you're not incapable, right??!!! And it sounds like your mom does too, but regardless we know it.
Your dad..........well it sounds like he hasn't really gone through a learning process like you (or your mom?) have. There are so many misconceptions about what depression is/isn't and maybe he's fallen into some of those "traps"???
That's not to say that he can't learn some things about it though.........any chance you or your mom could explain a little more to him...........then if/when he's willing to understand...............???
And real kudos to you in the support you've given to your friends!!!
You're by no means on your own though with the "Do as I say, not as I do", you're going to get a lot of agreement with that
So now about getting some real support for you, hey??!! Do you think you could ask your mom to support you in getting some help?? As well as keeping talking to us!!

Alison

[Idiot17]

I can relate and hope the attitude around you changes soon.
(((((Brokenentity)))))

[Turtlesoup]

Originally Posted by brokenentity

I've always kept quiet, don't share much, and I think it leads people to think I'm fine. I've often reached out to my friends who're depressed too, I've learned a bit about depression over the years, I try to give them advice on how to cope with it, they say it helps and I comfort them, it means a lot.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time-I can relate to so many things in your post-it's like you peeked inside my head When I was younger I tried to be the perfect daughter, didn't bug my parents, never went to them when I had problems & always tried to act like everything was OK. My Dad does not "believe in" mental illness & has never been supportive of me either through times of struggle or when I'm doing well. It really sucks when your parent does not support or believe in you-I still shudder when I remember a few years ago when my Dad yelled at me that I was a coward over & over-bleh. Having depression or any other mental illness is no different than if you were born a diabetic with a faulty pancreas or a weak heart valve-it is not something you choose but it is something that you can work on. Please remember that you are not alone & try to reach out to others & share when you're struggling-those friends that you have given support to will almost surely reciprocate what you have given to them. Hopefully someday your Dad will understand & support you but for now realize that you can't control his behavior but you can surround yourself with positive people that have your best interest at heart.

Originally Posted by Turtlesoup

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time-I can relate to so many things in your post-it's like you peeked inside my head When I was younger I tried to be the perfect daughter, didn't bug my parents, never went to them when I had problems & always tried to act like everything was OK. My Dad does not "believe in" mental illness & has never been supportive of me either through times of struggle or when I'm doing well. It really sucks when your parent does not support or believe in you-I still shudder when I remember a few years ago when my Dad yelled at me that I was a coward over & over-bleh. Having depression or any other mental illness is no different than if you were born a diabetic with a faulty pancreas or a weak heart valve-it is not something you choose but it is something that you can work on. Please remember that you are not alone & try to reach out to others & share when you're struggling-those friends that you have given support to will almost surely reciprocate what you have given to them. Hopefully someday your Dad will understand & support you but for now realize that you can't control his behavior but you can surround yourself with positive people that have your best interest at heart.

I just need more time, I can prove to people that I can take care of myself. Being depressed is pretty bad, but it hasn't stopped me from functioning so far. I've always tried to put the happiness of my parents over my happiness, but sometimes I wish I could just focus on my own goals in life.

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi brokenentity, I'm really sorry you had to hear that...........and you maybe feel betrayed, rejected, let down by your dad alongside the hurt??
But this: "I can't blame him because I think I have everything to be 'not depressed', I'm a perfectly normal kid with a loving family"........you can have absolutely everything anyone could dream of and more but that doesn't make you immune from depression and everything that goes with it. It is not your fault the way you feel like you do
And you know none of it's excuses, you're not worthless, you're not incapable, right??!!! And it sounds like your mom does too, but regardless we know it.
Your dad..........well it sounds like he hasn't really gone through a learning process like you (or your mom?) have. There are so many misconceptions about what depression is/isn't and maybe he's fallen into some of those "traps"???
That's not to say that he can't learn some things about it though.........any chance you or your mom could explain a little more to him...........then if/when he's willing to understand...............???
And real kudos to you in the support you've given to your friends!!!
You're by no means on your own though with the "Do as I say, not as I do", you're going to get a lot of agreement with that
So now about getting some real support for you, hey??!! Do you think you could ask your mom to support you in getting some help?? As well as keeping talking to us!!

Alison

Hi there, my friend

My dad is very hard to talk to, it's hard to change his mind on something. It's hard to even have a straight-forward conversation with him.

Well, I think depression to him is just an 'attitude problem', that positive thinking will completely get rid of depression.

[Altered Moment]

Originally Posted by brokenentity

I just need more time, I can prove to people that I can take care of myself. Being depressed is pretty bad, but it hasn't stopped me from functioning so far. I've always tried to put the happiness of my parents over my happiness, but sometimes I wish I could just focus on my own goals in life.

When I was 19 I dropped out of college and moved 1500 miles away. I was failing college, depressed, and abusing alcohol and pot. It wasn't a matter of intelligence, it was mental and emotional stuff. Previous to that I had functioned very well.

I made the move kind of in desperation but I think mainly to prove to my parents, who were pretty disappointed in me I thought, that I could be self sufficient, independent, and make it in the world. I succeeded for thirty years. At some point in my 20's I felt I had proven myself and didn't worry so much what my parents thought and it became about me and my goals. Don't get me wrong I had many struggles along the way but with the help of others sought help for my problems. I am 50 now and things are a bit different but that is a separate story.

I would advise to focus on your life and goals and prove to yourself....but I know how hard it is. Proving to my dad and gaining his approval was very important and motivated me. Not sure how healthy it really is though. I guess at that age its what we have to do is prove ourselves.

[Clara22]

Hi
I do not think that we need to prove anything to anybody. We have been thrown to existence without asking. More or less, parents are just our companions in this journey. They are just humans beings full of failures and mistakes and, sometimes, they may be worse than us at the end. Sorry for my brutal honesty but I see you being too tough to yourself, like if you had "internalized" your father mandate. In addition to love, fathers sometimes have high expectation on us because of an issue of ego. This is an unconscious thing they will not acknowledge but it is true. If we fail they feel our failure reflects on them. But in fact that is not fair. This is our own life and not theirs. A hug

It's certainly unfortunate your Dad feels it is okay to talk one way to you & another way when he thinks you're not around. If for no other reason, the situation you describe is itself enough of a reason to not do so. I've always felt my father didn't think much of me either, although he never really came out & said so, at least not when I was able to hear (that I can recall.)

Parents all seem to assume they have the right create images of their children & that the children are obligated to strive to achieve these images. And when the children don't, then the parents feel justified in demeaning them or, in some cases, even disowning them. Parents give life to their children. But they have no right to define who those children will grow up to be. Neither do parents have the right to judge whether or not a particular child has succeeded.

I hope that you can find, within yourself, the strength to rise above what you overheard your father say, brokenentity. I know it hurts. But it really says more about him than it does about you.

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi
I do not think that we need to prove anything to anybody. We have been thrown to existence without asking. More or less, parents are just our companions in this journey. They are just humans beings full of failures and mistakes and, sometimes, they may be worse than us at the end. Sorry for my brutal honesty but I see you being too tough to yourself, like if you had "internalized" your father mandate. In addition to love, fathers sometimes have high expectation on us because of an issue of ego. This is an unconscious thing they will not acknowledge but it is true. If we fail they feel our failure reflects on them. But in fact that is not fair. This is our own life and not theirs. A hug

it seems like he'd be so much happier if I were like my cousins, who do much better at school, and have great jobs and such. He doesn't appreciate me for what I am.

I can only do so much to make them happy.

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

It's certainly unfortunate your Dad feels it is okay to talk one way to you & another way when he thinks you're not around. If for no other reason, the situation you describe is itself enough of a reason to not do so. I've always felt my father didn't think much of me either, although he never really came out & said so, at least not when I was able to hear (that I can recall.)

Parents all seem to assume they have the right create images of their children & that the children are obligated to strive to achieve these images. And when the children don't, then the parents feel justified in demeaning them or, in some cases, even disowning them. Parents give life to their children. But they have no right to define who those children will grow up to be. Neither do parents have the right to judge whether or not a particular child has succeeded.

I hope that you can find, within yourself, the strength to rise above what you overheard your father say, brokenentity. I know it hurts. But it really says more about him than it does about you.

I'm trying to prove my father wrong, and in doing so, I'm losing sight of my own goals. I care more about his approval than his happiness now. If he thinks differently of me later in life, I don't think it really makes any difference. I'll still have to learn to live my own life.

[Frankbtl]

Hi brokenentity, I'm wondering if you're focusing a bit much on his expectations/what he'd like to see in you, but what about some of the expectations you'd have a right to have of him??? I mean it's not unreasonable to expect your father to still love, value you, see your worth however much you're struggling (whatever you can/can't achieve) even if he doesn't fully understand the "how's and why's" of what you're going through.
And I'd say it's him at fault if he can't feel and express that to you. He's failing you, not you failing him, remember??!!!
And I think you're starting to get that you are worth so much more than your fathers opinion anyway, right???? Because you are!!!!
And if he can't appreciate you for who you are, well maybe you can start appreciating yourself for who you are........??? And there will be other people who do/will do that too. You do have so much to feel proud about yourself about!!
And if you don't do as well at school, haven't got a great job and such like your cousins........well **** that, I'm willing to bet that you've gone through a lot more challenges to get where you are now than most of them in getting to where they are. I know things really haven't been easy for you/still aren't easy for you, but try not to lose sight of your real worth. And even if your father struggles in seeing that, then remember there's a bunch of us on here who do!!!

Alison

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

*Hugs* The word "parents" should come with an automatic trigger icon.

[radioactive1]

Brokenentity, my dad did the same to me. Eventually, he shunned me. That was over 10 years ago. It was the best thing that could have happened to me because I don't have to worry about pleasing him anymore. I have finally reached my potential because I realize I am a valuable person. When I was a young person, nothing I did was ever good enough for him.

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi brokenentity, I'm wondering if you're focusing a bit much on his expectations/what he'd like to see in you, but what about some of the expectations you'd have a right to have of him??? I mean it's not unreasonable to expect your father to still love, value you, see your worth however much you're struggling (whatever you can/can't achieve) even if he doesn't fully understand the "how's and why's" of what you're going through.
And I'd say it's him at fault if he can't feel and express that to you. He's failing you, not you failing him, remember??!!!
And I think you're starting to get that you are worth so much more than your fathers opinion anyway, right???? Because you are!!!!
And if he can't appreciate you for who you are, well maybe you can start appreciating yourself for who you are........??? And there will be other people who do/will do that too. You do have so much to feel proud about yourself about!!
And if you don't do as well at school, haven't got a great job and such like your cousins........well **** that, I'm willing to bet that you've gone through a lot more challenges to get where you are now than most of them in getting to where they are. I know things really haven't been easy for you/still aren't easy for you, but try not to lose sight of your real worth. And even if your father struggles in seeing that, then remember there's a bunch of us on here who do!!!

Alison

He does love me, he's never said a thing to me, but to my mother he expresses disappointment for having a son like me and not like one of my many cousins.

If I ask him money, he gives it to me, no questions asked, but later has something negative to say about it to my mother. I don't know how to feel about that.

Originally Posted by radioactive1

Brokenentity, my dad did the same to me. Eventually, he shunned me. That was over 10 years ago. It was the best thing that could have happened to me because I don't have to worry about pleasing him anymore. I have finally reached my potential because I realize I am a valuable person. When I was a young person, nothing I did was ever good enough for him.

Hi

He doesn't want to shun me, but I can only think of the hurtful stuff he's said about me to my mother. I don't know what issues and insecurities of his own make him say stuff like "We gave him birth to him, and so we have to suffer". I may have never made him proud, but I know that I have never given him a bad name.

At the moment, I live away from home, I can only imagine the kind of stuff he's said to my mother in my absence.

I love talking to my mom when I'm down, but not my dad. I've never felt close to him. Any advice I give him makes him feel 'threatened', for some reason. 'You think you know more than me?'

[angelene]

Originally Posted by brokenentity

I've never felt close to him. Any advice I give him makes him feel 'threatened', for some reason. 'You think you know more than me?'

Perhaps the way and/or time in which your father was raised is causing this. Hell, society still tells men — actually most people — that depression and anxiety are signs of "weakness" and they should be something one can overcome if they really wanted to.
Attitudes have been changing and we've come pretty far but there will still be people out there who, without help, are unable to fully see what's really going on...

Depending on his age, along with his father's age, his expectations may arise from outmoded and outdated standards for what a "strong" person should be.
Is that a possibility?
His feelings of being "threatened" are in part why I suspect this.
It's not an excuse for his hurtful behavior. But it might be a reason. What do you think?

Originally Posted by angelene

Perhaps the way and/or time in which your father was raised is causing this. Hell, society still tells men — actually most people — that depression and anxiety are signs of "weakness" and they should be something one can overcome if they really wanted to.

I think you're right, this is how I feel too. It's also kind of hard-wired into me to not show weakness for some reason.

Attitudes have been changing and we've come pretty far but there will still be people out there who, without help, are unable to fully see what's really going on...

Depending on his age, along with his father's age, his expectations may arise from outmoded and outdated standards for what a "strong" person should be.
Is that a possibility?
His feelings of being "threatened" are in part why I suspect this.
It's not an excuse for his hurtful behavior. But it might be a reason. What do you think?

From what I know, he had a tough childhood, his father never supported him, his mother did, he used to excel at maths, he's a very hard-working individual, he's very strong mentally. I suck at math, and I'm not really as strong as him mentally

My father does support me though, and I think that he thinks I have it very easy compared to what he faced in his childhood.

So that's what I think.

[favoritefountain2]

Hello Brokenentity,

I don't have any advice I can offer. I wish I did. However, I just wanted to say that the fact you're here means you are pretty strong. It is much easier to give up and do nothing, not seek help. I know - that's how I did it for years. Asking for help is gut wrenching. It requires acknowledging that you're having a moment of weakness in front of others. That is why I never talked to anyone for years. So I admire your courage and your ability to bring this up. It isn't weakness to admit you need help - it's weakness to never say anything at all. It takes real courage and strength to say "Hey, I need to talk to someone." You are strong.

FF2

Originally Posted by favoritefountain2

Hello Brokenentity,

I don't have any advice I can offer. I wish I did. However, I just wanted to say that the fact you're here means you are pretty strong. It is much easier to give up and do nothing, not seek help. I know - that's how I did it for years. Asking for help is gut wrenching. It requires acknowledging that you're having a moment of weakness in front of others. That is why I never talked to anyone for years. So I admire your courage and your ability to bring this up. It isn't weakness to admit you need help - it's weakness to never say anything at all. It takes real courage and strength to say "Hey, I need to talk to someone." You are strong.

FF2

Thank you so much. I honestly didn't want to bring this up, I thought I'd get negative comments from people, but I'm glad for all the support.