[Espresso]

Crappy morning so far. It's amazing how one little thing can bring me down so far.

Again, as always, I'm not well. I feel bleak about everything, no hope at all. So far the dread has yet to set in, but it's not even noon. There's plenty of time for it to creep up on me, and knowing the way things go, it probably will, with a vengeance. On the (slightly) less dark side I've taken a break from poetry (for now) to try my hand at something I haven't done in a while - gulp- fiction. The last time I wrote fiction was a few years ago, and it was very bad. I hope I can use what I know about writing poetry to help me write this one fiction piece I'm working on. The first sentence of it came to me yesterday and I'm just building on it, hoping it will turn out okay. I think I have a general idea of what it's going to be about. Does a strange, bullied girl who likes odd words feel like a believable character to you?

ShyPoetGirl, I'm so glad you're trying your hand at fiction again. With any luck, it may improve your mood some if you can be satisfied with your work.

Well, my husband just left for an overnight trip. I have this kinda new phobia about being alone in the dark at night and I'm DREADING this and tomorrow evenings (he won't be home until after dark tomorrow). How will I do this (rhetorical question)? Just need to tough it out.

I wasn't doing the best mood-wise before he left anyway. Just feel tired of the same old crap day in, day out. I think the solution is to do more stuff that I enjoy but I don't even know what those are anymore except horseback riding, which I don't know if I can do for a week or so. Even then, I can only afford to do it once every couple weeks. Well, there's jogging but with my fibromyalgia acting up I don't know if I can do that anymore.

Going to the AA meeting, stopping at the bank/grocery store, then will be home alone for the rest of the day. Fortunately tomorrow I have plans to go to a movie and lunch with a friend. Oh! I forgot about the Humane Society orientation in the morning too! That will be fun! Anyway, my friend also has bipolar disorder so I feel comfortable talking about all issues with her.

After some reflection, I'm editing this to say that I think one of the reasons I'm feeling a little glum is because I'm actually worried about my ability to do the volunteering. I haven't had any responsibility like that - - doing a "job" for someone else - - in a long time. I'm sure I'll be just fine, and I have to remind myself of all the times I'm sitting at home bored, wishing I had something to do.

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Again, as always, I'm not well. I feel bleak about everything, no hope at all. So far the dread has yet to set in, but it's not even noon. There's plenty of time for it to creep up on me, and knowing the way things go, it probably will, with a vengeance. On the (slightly) less dark side I've taken a break from poetry (for now) to try my hand at something I haven't done in a while - gulp- fiction. The last time I wrote fiction was a few years ago, and it was very bad. I hope I can use what I know about writing poetry to help me write this one fiction piece I'm working on. The first sentence of it came to me yesterday and I'm just building on it, hoping it will turn out okay. I think I have a general idea of what it's going to be about. Does a strange, bullied girl who likes odd words feel like a believable character to you?

What do you think it would take to make you feel better?

My therapist asks me this question sometimes.

Also I think it's cool you're trying to write fiction. I'm glad that little bit of inspiration came to you. Nothing wrong with taking a break from things.

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

What do you think it would take to make you feel better?

My therapist asks me this question sometimes.

Also I think it's cool you're trying to write fiction. I'm glad that little bit of inspiration came to you. Nothing wrong with taking a break from things.

Long-term, or for right now?

Right now I think it would make me feel better if I can make this fiction piece work out. It would really improve my mood and make me a little more sure of my writing again.

Thanks.

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Long-term, or for right now?

Right now I think it would make me feel better if I can make this fiction piece work out. It would really improve my mood and make me a little more sure of my writing again.

Thanks.

Both, I suppose.

I've been having a hard time writing too. *sighs* It's frustrating. I have faith in you though.

[Angelique67]

Tried an antidepressant but I'll have to wait until I see a doctor possibly to keep up with it. I get terrible shaking when I'm waking up and it worries me. Plus the dizziness will prevent me from being able to take care of basics here. I could barely move my legs. I'm disappointed but I truly hope for happier days ahead. I just don't know if that's realistic at this point. A lot of bad things are in my not so distant future.

just a boring depressing friday

had it worse, but yeah... not been good today

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

So much for staying out of the depression. I'm in pain, I don't know why, maybe it is nothing. I'm so tired, everything that could go wrong is going wrong. One minute I'm hoping and thinking of nothing but the moment and I'm thinking "I'm okay", a bit later my son is kicking me in the store. And he is no small boy. Getting tired of being a mommy. Sounds bad to mothers who read this, but I'm tired. It has been almost 2 and half years, with very and I mean very few breaks where he has seen his dad. Now I'm not feeling well, and I think I'm losing it. Ever feel like you are on the brink of insanity? That's where I am at this moment. Too tired to make supper, but who the h else is going to make it, like for most of my whole life? I know complaints complaints... I am losing it.

It doesn't sound bad, sounds normal. Even healthy parents need suport and breaks. Can't imagine doing parenting while depressed and no breaks.

Don't know if these are possibilities where you live but decades ago when I was going though that I found an organization that would come pick up my daughter take her top pre-approved home with parents but no other kids for 3 days then bring her back. She loved it, it was a bit like having foster grandparents that spoiled her for a few days and gave me a break to deal with my mental issues-- ok mostly I just slept!
There's also an organization called parents anonymous that has groups for overwhelmed parents to learn copping mechanism s. They have child care while you are in group. It's my understanding that all the groups are a bit different. My group was great. Mostly I was worried about being a bad parent becouse of my MI.

Just the fact you think about this issue shows you are not a bad mom.

[Nammu]

I decided Wednesday night that I was staying in bed on Thursday. I've just been so tired since getting home I wanted a day where I didn't have to DO anything other than read and watch Star Trek re-runs. I do feel a bit better today.

Couldn't even get connected yesterday but decided to wait till next week to call. I think it's my wireless doohickey that's on the blink. I double checked all the wires and all the lights are blinking green, red and off...so.... But waiting till next week means to check messages I must get up, dressed and leave my house. That's a goal of mine and maybe using this as a motivator I'll get into the habit.

Any just making these decisions has me feeling more in control of my life. Deciding to spend the day in bed as opposed to just never getting around to it and then feeling bad about it. I'm moving forward little by little.

I know I posted a really long post earlier today but just checking in again to say I'm disappointed in myself that I screwed up. I went on the Humane Society website to verify that there's a volunteer orientation tomorrow, only to learn that you have to submit an application first and then someone will contact you to invite you to be a volunteer. They said that may take several weeks. Why I didn't think to confirm all of this ahead of time I don't know. So looks like if I do volunteer there, it won't be for a while. I submitted my application online today.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by newgal2

I know I posted a really long post earlier today but just checking in again to say I'm disappointed in myself that I screwed up. I went on the Humane Society website to verify that there's a volunteer orientation tomorrow, only to learn that you have to submit an application first and then someone will contact you to invite you to be a volunteer. They said that may take several weeks. Why I didn't think to confirm all of this ahead of time I don't know. So looks like if I do volunteer there, it won't be for a while.

So, have you applied yet?

[nickie25]

Newgal2, it seems like you and I have alot of similarities. Anytime I read your posts I usually feel the same way. Nice to know im not alone. But to all readers, I need advice, on monday I have to take a drug/nicotine test for an AWESOME job that I just HAVE to get. I've chewed tobacco for about 9 years and have been nicotine free 2days now. Ive also had to quit opiates and been clean 2 days as well. Anyway, im asking for yalls input on NATURAL REMEDIES to cleanse your system, I've got Qcarbo and used it for tests before so I know it works but not for nicotine. Im fixing to go to the grocery, any input would be awesome thanks.

[Turtlesoup]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

The first sentence of it came to me yesterday and I'm just building on it, hoping it will turn out okay. I think I have a general idea of what it's going to be about. Does a strange, bullied girl who likes odd words feel like a believable character to you?

Absolutely-I love quirky words

Originally Posted by Clara22

So, have you applied yet?

Yeah, I applied online just a couple of hours ago.

Originally Posted by nickie25

Newgal2, it seems like you and I have alot of similarities. Anytime I read your posts I usually feel the same way. Nice to know im not alone. But to all readers, I need advice, on monday I have to take a drug/nicotine test for an AWESOME job that I just HAVE to get. I've chewed tobacco for about 9 years and have been nicotine free 2days now. Ive also had to quit opiates and been clean 2 days as well. Anyway, im asking for yalls input on NATURAL REMEDIES to cleanse your system, I've got Qcarbo and used it for tests before so I know it works but not for nicotine. Im fixing to go to the grocery, any input would be awesome thanks.

Hello southern friend. Nice to know I'm not alone too. Good luck with the system cleanse and getting the job.

[TheOriginalMe]

Today I was less tearful than yesterday, but I can feel anxiety starting to lurk in the shadows and trying to catch up with me. I've plenty to be anxious about, with my job situation, but I need to be mindful of the "normal" anxiety that anyone would feel if they were about to lose their job and the sinister anxiety that will tear me apart.

I did some searches for jobs, but nothing came up and I lost heart after an hour. I don't have an hour to spare for housework, let alone a social life and now I am spending time I just don't have on job hunting. Can you get a time overdraft?

Later on, I opened my emails and found I have to complete a numerical reasoning test for the job I applied for 2 weeks ago. That is something at least, I am hoping that if I pass the test I will get called for interview. I am worried as the test is timed and my concentration and thinking are somewhat impeded by depression. I am usually OK with both tests and numbers, so really this shouldn't cause me too much difficulty. I need to remember that I do have the skills, I just need to locate them.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by newgal2

Yeah, I applied online just a couple of hours ago.

That' good. Maybe their answer comes earlier than you think. Good luck!

[angelene]

I had a nice session with my therapist this afternoon after not seeing her for months due to illness. I usually feel better when I come out of that office.

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Does a strange, bullied girl who likes odd words feel like a believable character to you?

Indubitably!

Originally Posted by Clara22

That' good. Maybe their answer comes earlier than you think. Good luck!

Maybe I will hear back sooner than a few weeks, but I know from their website that you have to go through an orientation before you start, and they only have one orientation a month. Tomorrow is this month's orientation. But yes, I may know if I can volunteer there soon, you never know . . .

[waterknob1234]

I had a busy, challenging day at work. But I am proud of myself in that I think I handled everything well. One of the doctors complimented me about my work. Then in the afternoon we had an aggravating office meeting. This takes up useless time and then you can't get your important work done. Some of my coworkers are upset with me because of the way I scheduled a procedure with one of the doctors. I completely understand the time I scheduled the procedure is inconvenient for some people, but I had to schedule the procedure where I did because the procedure needed to be done before the patient has surgery in early February. I was really trying to work things out in the best interest of the patient's needs.

One thing I have to come to terms with is that I am not going to make everybody happy. The main thing for me to do is to take good care of my patients and do my job to the best of my ability. If people get angry or unhappy with me I will just have to deal with it.

The main thing that is stressful is that everytime I get used to something new they go and change it. We have worked in this state of confusion for a whole year now since the new company took over our office. Hey, it is Friday and I am going on a fun winter hike tomorrow with a good friend of mine. I need to enjoy winter while it lasts. I live in a place where you have nice winters and horrible hot summers.

[avlady]

Good luck

[Bimmer01]

My mood is in the toilet. I'm pretty close to getting fired. I've always been a top performer and perfectionist so it's tough to be so close to the abyss.

It's just tough feeling so out of place at work. I haven't felt like myself in 3 months. I used to laugh a lot and enjoy working on cars, but I just haven't even thought about my old hobbies in so long.

The weekend is here now and it's going to be a three day one. It was an OK day at work. I worked out after work and it went well, better than before. But I still don't feel emotionally into it like I want to be.

A couple of things got me down today. One was that I posted about how I feel with my life on another forum board. And I got replies that I was not happy with. They were judgmental and not very nice. Fortunately for me on this place, the replies have always been nice. But anyways on that other board, it got me down because I was hoping that others would say that they felt the same way.

And then I went to the pool area and I was alone for a couple of minutes when I got in. That was fine. But then a young mother with a little girl came in and ruined it for me. Both the mother and the little girl were loud and obnoxious. The woman seemed like someone that I didn't want to get to know with the way she acted.

Well, at least I got an email from my friend after that unpleasant encounter saying that he planned on going to a couple of stores right near where I live. And he wants to get together. That would be great if it works out.

Feeling pretty good so far today. I made it through the night without my husband too! Fibromyalgia pain seems to be gone, so I'm going outside once it gets light out to continue with my couch-to-5k program. A little worried it may cause a fibro flare again, in which case I told myself I would scrap trying to get in running shape and do some other sort of exercise.

Looking forward to seeing the movie Selma and having a meal afterward with a friend of mine today. I've heard really good reviews about Selma. My friend, who is bipolar, has been in a severe depression for quite some time. I hope I can be of good support to her.