[herethennow]

went out with my friends and had some bit of fun (anhedonia just sucks). in the midst of it i had to get away to get some time for myself... inside of me is still chiding myself.. still feeling down.. that i should not stay there and just go somewhere to huddle in my cave.

really not looking forward to meeting pdoc.

[Bark]

I really should shower. Now is the perfect time. But I'm getting anxious and pacing. I have to wash my hair. Where we are now, I have no excuses. Plenty of hot water and the house isn't freezing. Maybe I'll play some music, even though I'd feel embarrassed if someone heard it. Worked inpatient. Once. Man I was anxious then. My psychiatrist made a huge deal of it. Apparently he didn't realize I had an issue with it. Said I should work on it in therapy.

Anyway, I'm procrastinating. Here goes.

[angelene]

"kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii';p[[[[[[[[[[[[[[" - The Little Cat had something to say!

I need energy today but I already feel like I'm low on fuel...

[Bark]

Did it. Used too much shampoo (more than usual), wasted tons of water, and came out feeling horrible, but I did it. I'm hoping the horrible feeling goes away. Until next time. I think I usually feel better after showering. Never right after. Give it some time.

Just like people can't understand why showering gets me so anxious, I can't figure out how not to be anxious and actually enjoy showering.

[JustTvTroping]

I feel weird. It's like a mixture between melancholy and solace that just ended up making me "shut down" and feel almost nothing. On the plus side though, I fixed my hair problems and I'm happier because of that.

Very depressed. I swear I am invisible sometimes. I've been awake for three hours and neither of my parents has said good morning to me at all. Why do I always have to be the one to say it first? Same goes for "I love you". I bet if today I suddenly stopped saying "I love you" it would go unnoticed and I'd never hear the words "I love you" from either of them again. Well, once upon a time they cared about me. Now it's like I don't even exist anymore - so I might as well not exist at all. Right? I mean, you can't really tell me I'm wrong about that one...

More and more I'm starting to think the only people who would truly care if I died are those here on PC.

[boomerango]

A hard many days. my therapist asked me to identify a few ways I can replenish myself. To practice mindfulness. Say the Serenity Prayer. Over and over. But I am so tired. I just want to sleep and dream. I imagine my replenishment, the ways I might find it, and still have no energy to actually do it. Anhedonia. Forcing myself to take small steps. Small and smaller and smallest. I know I am lucky to even move at all.

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Very depressed. I swear I am invisible sometimes. I've been awake for three hours and neither of my parents has said good morning to me at all. Why do I always have to be the one to say it first? Same goes for "I love you". I bet if today I suddenly stopped saying "I love you" it would go unnoticed and I'd never hear the words "I love you" from either of them again. Well, once upon a time they cared about me. Now it's like I don't even exist anymore - so I might as well not exist at all. Right? I mean, you can't really tell me I'm wrong about that one...

More and more I'm starting to think the only people who would truly care if I died are those here on PC.

I bet your parents would be heartbroken if you died.

Have you considered talking to them about the silence that would exist between you if you didn't talk? I'm sure that would be difficult. There must be an/some underlying issue(s) for them to go from communicative to not. Only raising the issue will help you find out why.

Originally Posted by newgal2

I bet your parents would be heartbroken if you died.

Have you considered talking to them about the silence that would exist between you if you didn't talk? I'm sure that would be difficult. There must be an/some underlying issue(s) for them to go from communicative to not. Only raising the issue will help you find out why.

I've talked to them about a lot of things but they don't listen.

They don't take me seriously, I guess.

If I brought up this issue it would be the same way.

[Angelique67]

So I'm feeling horribly alone, and I talk about some stuff and my sister can't handle it and says goodbye. Great. Just great. That makes me feel so much better.

Slept fairly well last night, but not the best. I kept on waking up about three or four times throughout the night. I didn't stay awake long. A nice day outside. Very sunny and cool (but not cold). Though it would be nice to have a cloudy day for a change.

Last night in my post I mentioned that my friend and I were going to get together today. As it turned out, it didn't happen. He made a mistake in planning with the bus schedule. He has to take the bus or be driven because he can't drive. I hate it when I have something to look forward to, and then it does not happen. He's an old man and has all kinds of health issues, though he keeps going. I don't envy him and I feel like that's what I have to look forward to. I'll probably be in worse shape than he is when I get near his age; if I live that long.

I'm very busy today anyways and wouldn't have that much time with him. But still, company is very nice. Oh, about the other discussion board that I spoke about last night, someone replied and stuck up for me. One other guy in particular had to reply by putting me down and telling me that I should "get with it!" I don't know why people have to be like that. But I am thankful that another guy spoke for me.

[Angelique67]

Talking to my family makes me less scared to die. Because I just don't care anymore. It's clear my life is over and I'm just hanging on needlessly.

[PsychSearcher0]

Today started good. Managed to do some of my chores - I now plan them ahead and set deadlines for myself, I find it easier that way. Over the last days I felt better (meds working, I guess) but still not good. In the afternoon my mood went from okayish to bad. I was not crying but I felt like I should die because I was afraid of being alone. I kept thinking over and over about my mom which is the only person I truly care about (my dad too but to far lesser extent that I'd like to admit), how she is getting old and how her clock is ticking. I thought I don't really care about my own "clock" ticking, one great fear I have is being left alone. It's so unbearable I am really considering suicide just to avoid the risk of being left alone. I believe I may be unable to make friends. This is probably false, since I had friends and I remember this as being the best time in my life apart from childhood. It brings a smile to my face to think about that period (when I was 14-16). That feeling of having someone to talk to after going back from school, being anxious to see my buddies again, the fun we had together. Wow it feels like another life to me. I don't know why but it feels like it can't be like that again. Logic says I am perfectly capable of finding people I could share interests with, maybe even a girlfriend, but something dark inside me says I can't and it is driving my crazy !

Anyway, my depression is like 75 % of what it was before meds (1 week of escifulopram) and my OCD is like 70 % strong. Starting 10 mg now so it should drop down further.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by Bark

Did it. Used too much shampoo (more than usual), wasted tons of water, and came out feeling horrible, but I did it. I'm hoping the horrible feeling goes away. Until next time. I think I usually feel better after showering. Never right after. Give it some time.

Just like people can't understand why showering gets me so anxious, I can't figure out how not to be anxious and actually enjoy showering.

Washing my hair has the same effect on me. It has improved lastly, though

[TheOriginalMe]

It was cold here, winter arrived right on cue. Where I live if it is still mild by the middle of January then the winter almost always stays mild, so far we have had frosts but not much else apart from storms (wind and rain). Now the weather has changed and we had some snow, not much just a sprinkling but enough to make it clear winter hasn't done yet.

I did some chores and went for a walk in the Pine Woods, a little urban wilderness that is a favourite place for my dog as she can run about off her lead. I seem calmer today, maybe because it is the weekend.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Talking to my family makes me less scared to die. Because I just don't care anymore. It's clear my life is over and I'm just hanging on needlessly.

You are not needless here on PC.

I do understand what you mean about family, I have two sisters like that. I avoid them, if they want to miss out on who I am then it's their loss. Of course I can say that now but in the middle of depression their coldness gets magnified. I feel like if my family treats me that way I must be pretty bad, useless. Don't let them define you, I know easier said than felt.

[Artchic528]

...meh....just "meh".

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

You are not needless here on PC.

I do understand what you mean about family, I have two sisters like that. I avoid them, if they want to miss out on who I am then it's their loss. Of course I can say that now but in the middle of depression their coldness gets magnified. I feel like if my family treats me that way I must be pretty bad, useless. Don't let them define you, I know easier said than felt.

Thank you so much, it sounds like you truly understand. Lots of hugs.

Sent from my A0001

I've been on the verge of tears so many times that even thinking of being on the verge of tears can make me feel on the verge of tears... If that makes any sense!

[Artchic528]

My dating life is utterly hopeless. My life's biggest dream, to get married, won't ever be reached. I give up.

[Ruftin]

Originally Posted by PsychSearcher0

Today started good. Managed to do some of my chores - I now plan them ahead and set deadlines for myself, I find it easier that way. Over the last days I felt better (meds working, I guess) but still not good. In the afternoon my mood went from okayish to bad. I was not crying but I felt like I should die because I was afraid of being alone. I kept thinking over and over about my mom which is the only person I truly care about (my dad too but to far lesser extent that I'd like to admit), how she is getting old and how her clock is ticking. I thought I don't really care about my own "clock" ticking, one great fear I have is being left alone. It's so unbearable I am really considering suicide just to avoid the risk of being left alone. I believe I may be unable to make friends. This is probably false, since I had friends and I remember this as being the best time in my life apart from childhood. It brings a smile to my face to think about that period (when I was 14-16). That feeling of having someone to talk to after going back from school, being anxious to see my buddies again, the fun we had together. Wow it feels like another life to me. I don't know why but it feels like it can't be like that again. Logic says I am perfectly capable of finding people I could share interests with, maybe even a girlfriend, but something dark inside me says I can't and it is driving my crazy !

Anyway, my depression is like 75 % of what it was before meds (1 week of escifulopram) and my OCD is like 70 % strong. Starting 10 mg now so it should drop down further.

Try and remember, fear is just an emotion. Not reality.

[Turtlesoup]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

So I'm feeling horribly alone, and I talk about some stuff and my sister can't handle it and says goodbye. Great. Just great. That makes me feel so much better.

I'm sorry I've had that same experience from family many times (even though I make myself available to them & am supportive).

Been a long day here-my hubby's 1st day post op & I'm soooo tired & it was quite gloomy here today. Then my Mom called & as I was answering I told my husband I hope she's not calling to tell me someone died (cause she rarely calls) & it was to tell me my third cousin who is 1 year younger than me died & my cat Frodo who I gave to my Mom when we moved out here had to be put down yesterday. We both cried a lot during the conversation & it was one of those moments that made me see my Mom as an individual person with her own troubles, heartaches etc. instead of how I usually view her. Although I am so sad for my cousin's family & heartbroken over Frodo & my Mom's pain it was a very idk cathartic experience for us. I told her how sorry I was that I was not there to support her. My Dad buried him next to my beloved beagle Bo that passed away 9 years ago. My cousin & I spent time together as teens & had a lot of fun & 51 is so young to die-very sad.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Turtlesoup

I'm sorry I've had that same experience from family many times (even though I make myself available to them & am supportive).

Been a long day here-my hubby's 1st day post op & I'm soooo tired & it was quite gloomy here today. Then my Mom called & as I was answering I told my husband I hope she's not calling to tell me someone died (cause she rarely calls) & it was to tell me my third cousin who is 1 year younger than me died & my cat Frodo who I gave to my Mom when we moved out here had to be put down yesterday. We both cried a lot during the conversation & it was one of those moments that made me see my Mom as an individual person with her own troubles, heartaches etc. instead of how I usually view her. Although I am so sad for my cousin's family & heartbroken over Frodo & my Mom's pain it was a very idk cathartic experience for us. I told her how sorry I was that I was not there to support her. My Dad buried him next to my beloved beagle Bo that passed away 9 years ago. My cousin & I spent time together as teens & had a lot of fun & 51 is so young to die-very sad.

I'm so sorry to hear that, Turtlesoup. But I understand what you mean about seeing your mother as a person, that has become a lot more clear to me in later years (and some of it very recently). I wish you peace and consolation.

[Artchic528]

I'm tired of it all. Tired of the scorning, tired of the apathy, tired of people ganging up on me.....

As it turned out, my friend and I did get together today. It was nice but it didn't go the way I wanted. He called me at 11AM to tell me that he was going to a store and he was going to be there a good while. At the time he called, I had resigned myself to the fact that we were not going to get together today. As I mentioned in my previous post, he was going to go to the stores very close to where I live. But then he couldn't go there because of the bus schedule. So at 11 he called to say that he was going to a store that's a bit further away, but still convenient for me to go to.

When he called at 11, he said that it would take him an hour to get there and that he was going to be in the store for at least a half hour. So I thought to myself that I'm going to have a late lunch. I met him at the store at 12:45 (normally I would eat lunch at noon) and he wanted to go to Denny's. I was not crazy about that. I suggested that we can go to the grocery store, pick up something, and eat at my place. That's what we've always done. But he didn't want to do that. So we ate at Denny's and it was bad. After that I took him to the bus stop. We had a good time together, but it was a disappointment.

After that, not much going on. A nice quiet night here, even though it's lonely. But a quite night alone is better than a noisy night alone. Having some depression and health anxiety today to deal with.