[Timothybythesea]

actually doing pretty well this evening. I remotely helped a friend with his computer I was able to fix it. That made me feel good about myself. Ok a long time on the phone with my friends and that helped fight the loneliness. I didn't let myself down stop me. I never feel like I can do anything. But I was able to fight to sell out tonight.

[lonely-and-sad]

Another day of isolation and depression. I need meds to actually work for me. If they do work I will start the long haul to rebuild my life. Its been a very long depression. I can't stay like this that is for sure. There is no quality of life and this level of isolation is not worth enduring. I mean what would you endure it for? Its very hard to research actual methods of bringing about the end.

[Melodic]

I don't think he really understands me properly, he thinks it's my choice that I can't accept him as he is. Or he thinks I'm immature because I don't easily walk away and instead tell him I'm sad when he purposely cuts contact with me. But he neglects to remember I just wanted to be friends, and it's only because he cut contact that I felt like going back. I would be ok with a friendship, but he wouldn't. If he cuts contact I can do nothing but burn the bridge for good on my end, destroy all hope. I can't wait around and keep getting hurt. It just seems he deals with everything by being hostile and uncaring, whereas I deal with it by expressing my sadness and moping around. The thing he is right about though (and what I knew anyway) was that the incompatibility is glaringly obvious and the connection or passion we had isn't worth the hurt we cause each other.

Even though the pain is much less than it used to be all those times before, I still feel sad and lonely and I just wish the loneliness would end.

Second day in a row of feeling more depressed, and I don't know why. I hope this is only a temporary dip. Just don't really feel like participating in life. Have lost the enthusiasm/motivation that I've had over the past couple of months. Wake up in the morning and just don't look forward to the day or feel like combatting the depression. Have lost the feeling that if I start volunteering or working things will improve for me. What the hell has happened to me?

It makes me mad that this has happened to me. I deserve to feel better than this. I deserve a better life. Thank God I have my husband, or things would really suck. I need to be grateful for what's RIGHT in my life instead of bemoaning what's bad. Ugh . . .

[Angelique67]

I really wish I could get rid of my fears. I lie awake in my bed at night just filled with fear about my health, my teeth, my circumstances, my apartment, just everything. I wish I could work up the energy and courage to tackle these issues but day after day passes and I don't make positive changes that amount to anything. I just wish I were who I used to be. I used to be so capable. What happened to me? Why?

awful. terrified that i think im going to a psych unit. i can't think coherently and am hallucinating. the only constructive thing my mother has to say 'well, you aren't schizophrenic'.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR CONFIRMING THAT I AM NOT SCHIZOPHRENIC; now I am cured.

sigh

fairly mixed bag today.

mainly been okay, with a few off moments in between

So sad and lonely. I'm aware that I'm 'abnormal'. I should be doing what everyone else my age is doing. I should still be in school. I should be going places and having fun with friends. I should have a boyfriend. I have none of these things, I stay at home all day and am extremely lonely. I have zero friends. I've never had a boyfriend. I was always the outcast in school, I couldn't get anyone to want me in any way, no matter what, which saddened and frustrated me, and this contributed to my dropping out in March. Now all I do each day is stay at home and eat and use the internet. Oh, and listen to my parents fight drunk every night. I can't keep doing this. I will not survive a whole winter like this. But I don't know what I should do. I see no point in going out more, and talking to people, when I know already that they will think of me as an ugly loser and reject me no matter what I say. It's hard to make friends when you don't have the same mainstream interests that others your age all share - and especially to have low self-esteem and social anxiety and depression on top of that. It seems impossible that I will ever have friends in my life. I want so bad, but I suppose you can't always get what you want, huh...

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

So sad and lonely. I'm aware that I'm 'abnormal'. I should be doing what everyone else my age is doing. I should still be in school. I should be going places and having fun with friends. I should have a boyfriend. I have none of these things, I stay at home all day and am extremely lonely. I have zero friends. I've never had a boyfriend. I was always the outcast in school, I couldn't get anyone to want me in any way, no matter what, which saddened and frustrated me, and this contributed to my dropping out in March. Now all I do each day is stay at home and eat and use the internet. Oh, and listen to my parents fight drunk every night. I can't keep doing this. I will not survive a whole winter like this. But I don't know what I should do. I see no point in going out more, and talking to people, when I know already that they will think of me as an ugly loser and reject me no matter what I say. It's hard to make friends when you don't have the same mainstream interests that others your age all share - and especially to have low self-esteem and social anxiety and depression on top of that. It seems impossible that I will ever have friends in my life. I want so bad, but I suppose you can't always get what you want, huh...

Are you making any plans to go away to college ??

[Rose76]

I'm not doing good at all. This has got to blow over or I'll lose my mind. I tell myself that it will blow over, like it's done before.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Are you making any plans to go away to college ??

Not anymore. No way would I be able to ever afford it. There's nothing I really want to do or major in. Nothing appeals to me. Besides the fact that it would only be more of the same. I know people like to say that college is different than high school, but I read things by people who have been to college, and they all say it's the same, only everyone's older. There's always that one person everyone ignores - no doubt that person would be me. I don't see the point.

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Not anymore. No way would I be able to ever afford it. There's nothing I really want to do or major in. Nothing appeals to me. Besides the fact that it would only be more of the same. I know people like to say that college is different than high school, but I read things by people who have been to college, and they all say it's the same, only everyone's older. There's always that one person everyone ignores - no doubt that person would be me. I don't see the point.

hey, you never know; a new environment. a dorm room, new friends, new opportunities. it might be a way to slowly get out of the dark hole.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Not anymore. No way would I be able to ever afford it. There's nothing I really want to do or major in. Nothing appeals to me. Besides the fact that it would only be more of the same. I know people like to say that college is different than high school, but I read things by people who have been to college, and they all say it's the same, only everyone's older. There's always that one person everyone ignores - no doubt that person would be me. I don't see the point.

I agree with 8888... Or if you don't go there, think about planning a life away from your parents, all for yourself. This is your opportunity to grow into another mode of living. Of course, that's all my own projection, I couldn't wait to leave home and I was lucky I did.

^ yes, leaving home for many is a huge burden lifted off the shoulders. family can be really hard work and actually worsen your mental state.

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

hey, you never know; a new environment. a dorm room, new friends, new opportunities. it might be a way to slowly get out of the dark hole.

No, I know. It's always been like this for me. All through elementary school, then middle school, then high school until I dropped out - I was always the outcast. I was more than nice to people, I tried my hardest to make conversation in spite of my social anxiety, and still everyone judged me on my looks and treated me like utter ****. I don't believe a new school will change any of that, as it hasn't in the past.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I agree with 8888... Or if you don't go there, think about planning a life away from your parents, all for yourself. This is your opportunity to grow into another mode of living. Of course, that's all my own projection, I couldn't wait to leave home and I was lucky I did.

I've been thinking about getting out of here soon. Problem is, I come from a place where there are very few jobs, and the jobs available are low-paying. Anything I get will not ever afford me a different place to live, even if I got multiple jobs, I know that. Besides the fact that I feel like I would fail completely at the most basic things...

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

No, I know. It's always been like this for me. All through elementary school, then middle school, then high school until I dropped out - I was always the outcast. I was more than nice to people, I tried my hardest to make conversation in spite of my social anxiety, and still everyone judged me on my looks and treated me like utter ****. I don't believe a new school will change any of that, as it hasn't in the past.


I've been thinking about getting out of here soon. Problem is, I come from a place where there are very few jobs, and the jobs available are low-paying. Anything I get will not ever afford me a different place to live, even if I got multiple jobs, I know that. Besides the fact that I feel like I would fail completely at the most basic things...

You could see what you can get, then after awhile move to a larger city or town? That's what I did, I moved away to NYC. I'm not there now, but I lived there most of my adult life. It was so much better than my childhood.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

You could see what you can get, then after awhile move to a larger city or town? That's what I did, I moved away to NYC. I'm not there now, but I lived there most of my adult life. It was so much better than my childhood.

Yeah, I'm thinking about it. Problem is, whatever job I get will have to be within walking distance, as I have no car. Especially since it's winter and cold. If it were spring/summer it wouldn't be such a big deal. So that makes it even more difficult, as if it weren't already enough...I'm going to see what jobs are available to people like me, but am not hopeful.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Yeah, I'm thinking about it. Problem is, whatever job I get will have to be within walking distance, as I have no car. Especially since it's winter and cold. If it were spring/summer it wouldn't be such a big deal. So that makes it even more difficult, as if it weren't already enough...I'm going to see what jobs are available to people like me, but am not hopeful.

I think it's brave and wonderful that you can see yourself doing that. Your life will improve a lot, even though you feel so badly now. It will get much better.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I think it's brave and wonderful that you can see yourself doing that. Your life will improve a lot, even though you feel so badly now. It will get much better.

Well...only if I can find a job that pays enough and is in walking distance. Otherwise I will be making money but will still be stuck here. I have to make enough to move and that is just not likely in this town. Thinking if there's maybe programs who would give me some assistance, but doubting it. It all seems very hopeless.

Thank you.

[avlady]

Forget him and ignore his stupid ways

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Well...only if I can find a job that pays enough and is in walking distance. Otherwise I will be making money but will still be stuck here. I have to make enough to move and that is just not likely in this town. Thinking if there's maybe programs who would give me some assistance, but doubting it. It all seems very hopeless.

Thank you.

Maybe in the spring things will look more hopeful. I hope so for your sake. You're doing really well though, despite everything. Writing here is good.

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

No, I know. It's always been like this for me. All through elementary school, then middle school, then high school until I dropped out - I was always the outcast. I was more than nice to people, I tried my hardest to make conversation in spite of my social anxiety, and still everyone judged me on my looks and treated me like utter ****. I don't believe a new school will change any of that, as it hasn't in the past.

i am sorry they treated you like that - but it sounds like you also had bad luck people-wise. there are so many that aren't shallow, ignorant and judgemental. plus college isn't school. people are more mature.

[Rose76]

Having a hard time with anxiety.

[TheOriginalMe]

Sometimes I dream that it isn't too late to meet that special someone. Then I realise that it never will happen, dreams don't come true and I will never trust anyone enough to become close. Some people crave the freedom that I have, to me it is a prison cell.

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

Sometimes I dream that it isn't too late to meet that special someone. Then I realise that it never will happen, dreams don't come true and I will never trust anyone enough to become close. Some people crave the freedom that I have, to me it is a prison cell.

Wow! I could very well relate to that for me!