[fred bare]

Suffered from depression all my life, i can remember feeling so bad when i was
younger than 10 even, im over 50 now. The thing is I have come to realise that i will never be happy, I had an abusive childhood and didnt realise how emotionally stuffed up I was before I got married and had children which i realise in retrospect I shouldnt have, I never abused my own children and love then so much but can not express affection. I know now that men are taught to love by their mothers, mine was emotionally distant and abusive, I was never hugged or anything like that and it was hard for me to express affection to my own kids and wife. My wife has a chance at another relationship if I check out, she will never leave me but I want to give her a chance to be happy, she has never understood why I am emotionally distant because she came from a loving and caring family. I have been self medicating for years, I used to exercise like crazy to try and chase the black dog away but my body is wearing out now after so many injuries, i just feel like its time, my kids are adults and dont need me and my wife deserves a shot at happiness I feel.

[Fuzzybear]

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Fred Bare.

No matter how you feel, your motives are selfless and noble.

Originally Posted by fred bare

...she has never understood why I am emotionally distant because she came from a loving and caring family.

Have you tried to explain to her? Could she empathise to some degree?

[iwishicould]

Fred,I know just how you feel.Been suffering from various depressions,phobias and personality disorders,from about the same age,now 54.

I feel the same in my long marriage,I have made my hubby miserable,made worse because of my jealousy of his demanding SIL in the years since he has had to constantly take care of,(not completely her fault).Also have come to the conclusion that it's my fault my older son suffers from the same as me.It's sad to watch him spiral downhill self medicating as he calls it with alcohol.

Would love to check out to,but I feel that wouldn't help my family much.If I could just run away for awhile,that would help put a little perspective on things,but money and no support or friends are issues for me,lol.

Hang in there Fred,if you were that bad,your wife would not still be there.At least thats what I try to think about my other half :-).Most days though,I think he keeps me because he thinks he has to- he doesn't.It's me that needs to go.

If you have never seen your doc about this,you should.Especially if your near a city,they have help.Unfortunately I live in a rural area of backward Qld and unless your actually hurting yourself they don't want to know here.I'll just stay this way forever.

Take care,and if you need to talk on here to help you,then do so.People here care.

[Nammu]

The depression lies to you. You would not be doing your wife a favor, she would blame herself and morn your loss. Do you have a therapist or doctor you can talk these things over with? Please tell your wife how you feel and ask for help.

[fred bare]

thank you for your posts, this is the only time I have ever been able to open up with anyone so I guess the internet has done me a favour. I have been to a couple of psychologists and just cant open up to them. I think I have a major personality disorder, I work in law enforcement and lied about my criminal background to get in. Strangely I am very good at what I do but never rose very far because of my inability to recognise basic flaws in my fellow officers leading to conflict with them. Once i had a fit of rage and nearly hurt a work mate badly. This was covered up by my colleagues and he didnt report the incident. I used to wonder what being normal felt like and how people could be cheerful all the time. I always lived for my family only, they were the one thing in life I focused on. The bit I dont understand, I do have empathy for most people and if I see someone in distress I will always help them regardless of the danger to myself but people categorise me as being cold blooded. I have done a number of online tests and they all show extreme narcissistic tendencies and borderline psychopathy but I am definitely not a charming person as they say these people are supposed to be and i really would put my life on the line for my family, I find it hard to reconcile this with my depressive state of mind, again thank you all for your support.

[truegem]

Yes, depression lies to you. Great statement, sidestepper. It really does. My therapist asked me which felt more like reality, when I'm depressed or when I'm not. Of course it's when you're not.

[Squaw]

fred bare..First of all, it's nice to meet you..sorry that you feel like you do..you may have just opened my eyes as to why my youngest son acts like he does. You described him pretty well..I also think you should at least talk things over with your wife before making any decisions. Depression can affect you in so many ways..Don't discredit your life on your own, please..it sounds like to have someone who cares to be with you. Be blessed...

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by fred bare

I have been to a couple of psychologists and just cant open up to them...

...never rose very far because of my inability to recognise basic flaws in my fellow officers leading to conflict with them...

...people categorise me as being cold blooded.

In considering possible personality disorders or tendencies thereto, also look at the autism spectrum/Asperger's. No diagnosing here, but you might find helpful insights.

[vital]

Originally Posted by fred bare

thank you for your posts, this is the only time I have ever been able to open up with anyone so I guess the internet has done me a favour. I have been to a couple of psychologists and just cant open up to them. I think I have a major personality disorder, I work in law enforcement and lied about my criminal background to get in. Strangely I am very good at what I do but never rose very far because of my inability to recognise basic flaws in my fellow officers leading to conflict with them. Once i had a fit of rage and nearly hurt a work mate badly. This was covered up by my colleagues and he didnt report the incident. I used to wonder what being normal felt like and how people could be cheerful all the time. I always lived for my family only, they were the one thing in life I focused on. The bit I dont understand, I do have empathy for most people and if I see someone in distress I will always help them regardless of the danger to myself but people categorise me as being cold blooded. I have done a number of online tests and they all show extreme narcissistic tendencies and borderline psychopathy but I am definitely not a charming person as they say these people are supposed to be and i really would put my life on the line for my family, I find it hard to reconcile this with my depressive state of mind, again thank you all for your support.

Hi fred bare,

I'm not sure, but it all makes sense to me as just depression. When I'm depressed, my empathy for the rest of humanity drops. The world seems indifferent to me or hostile. I get easily irritated and angered as well as fearful. I think that many don't realize it, but I really think that being angry all the time is a version of depression. I can imagine that being in law enforcement you're constantly in touch with people at their worst, which might be feeding into the problem.

- vital

[MotherMarcus]

Does your job offer any kind of mental health assistance ?

[Squaw]

post #8...I meant to say that it sounds like you have someone who cares to be with you fred..sorry for the mistake..I was tired.

[fred bare]

I am thankful to be able to interact here. I went to a Doctor who booked me into a psych. I really have no one to lean on, my wife can not understand depression and has belittled me before when I wanted to speak about it.

[Nammu]

You have us here at psych central, you can speak to us. Just keep posting

[fred bare]

I just wished I could emotionally connect, its like a foreign language I cant understand. I know I cant change but I am so envious of others who can love so freely. Can anyone else understand this? 50 years of this, feeling so bad

[vital]

Originally Posted by fred bare

I just wished I could emotionally connect, its like a foreign language I cant understand. I know I cant change but I am so envious of others who can love so freely. Can anyone else understand this? 50 years of this, feeling so bad

Hi fred,

I'll bet you can emotionally connect, it's just harder when you're in the depths of depression. Would you harm your wife or children? Of course not. That's love. The fact that you are concerned about your wife's happiness also shows it.

The part of you that feels good is not afraid, is not angry and is naturally open and empathetic and can easily connect with others. You just have to expand the part of you that feels good. That makes everything better.

I don't know about what, exactly a childhood like yours does to someone or how you were self-medicating, but since I'm not seeing a lot of suggestions in this thread, here is something that might help you get started on the upward path. It's what helped me and it works for others too:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

It's easy to do and even fun and is a great way to get started on an upward path. Post #74 in the above thread is what I think is the best overall plan if you are depressed

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4162657-post74.html

- vital

[fred bare]

I suspect the root cause is genetic, in fact thats been borne out by our oldest child suffering from severe depression and nearly ending ending her life, unfortunately she is now severely disabled because of a failed suicide attempt. I cry every day for her and her lost life. Thats something else thats my fault, as a father i didnt keep her safe and thats the worst sin of all, the one thing I should have been good at and I failed. If not for her i wouldnt be here, but Im tired, nothing is changing or getting better. My wife exists as her carer, until recently at least I had work. The depression i have been coping with for years but I cant stand the guilt and helplessness

[vital]

Originally Posted by fred bare

I suspect the root cause is genetic, in fact thats been borne out by our oldest child suffering from severe depression and nearly ending ending her life, unfortunately she is now severely disabled because of a failed suicide attempt. I cry every day for her and her lost life. Thats something else thats my fault, as a father i didnt keep her safe and thats the worst sin of all, the one thing I should have been good at and I failed. If not for her i wouldnt be here, but Im tired, nothing is changing or getting better. My wife exists as her carer, until recently at least I had work. The depression i have been coping with for years but I cant stand the guilt and helplessness

Oh Fred, I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter. I understand better how you're feeling now. I don't really know how best to overcome something like that, but I am sure that your life has great value and you do not have to be defined by what happened in the past, whatever happened.

For what it's worth, I believe that people can be genetically predisposed to depression, but I do not believe that anyone is fated to be depressed by their genes. I don't think that there is any evidence for that. I personally think that essentially everyone who is alive is capable of feeling good given the right environment and support.

- vital

[fred bare]

I can not remember a time when i was not depressed, in fact depression had to be described to me to understand what it really meant because to me it is a norm. But my daughter, she didnt deserve this. My family is all I have, and I couldnt keep her safe, it was my duty and i failed. I dont care, i can live or die, I can accept this. But i cant live with the guilt of failing to protect my child from harm.

[regretful]

Originally Posted by fred bare

I just wished I could emotionally connect, its like a foreign language I cant understand. I know I cant change but I am so envious of others who can love so freely. Can anyone else understand this? 50 years of this, feeling so bad

I certainly understand this...on the cusp of 50, having made it through 48 years without any major problems, I was hospitalized with debilitating depression, questioning my entire life and every decision that I made. Felt like everything was my fault (still do, at times)...I finally got some help, with medication, this site (filled with kindred spirits), medication (that I was on for about 5 months), and my faith (which is not for everyone, but was very important for me).

Each time I thought about giving it all up, I looked towards my wife and my son and considered the life-long impact that it would have on them were I not to be around by my own choosing...they kept me connected, and still do.

I wish you well in your struggle with this horrible affliction.