TW: vent, suicidal thoughts

It's just too much of this ****. I know it's not even enough for me to react like this, but besides my parents, no one would get hurt, i've got only two friends, none of them want to talk to me or hang out with me, i've got a boyfriend, actually he is who keeps me going, but he deserves so much better, he'd be better off without me. My parents wouldn't have to spend that much money on my education, which is going to be for nothing, i mean, i'm still a straight A student, but i'm not putting any more effort, i'm getting lost into this hell and pain inside that i have and i haven't got enough sleep to think properly, but somehow, it still works. I don't deserve anything that i've got, i'm just a bad person, i don't deserve to be still here, waste their food, money and time. I don't know what to do. 15 days to my next psychiatrist appointment, and i don't even want to go, it's just pointless. Nothing seems to work on the inside but people think it actually works. I'm also tired of "acting happy" but that's the only way i've got to be alone. I want to be accepted, but i also want to be special and i also don't want to be noticed because i fear betrayal. There's just not much of an option out there. (Sorry if my tiny problems offended you, i'm just the typical middle-class whiny girl)

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Your not a bad person....depression can make you feel like your a bad person...pushing away everybody...the core of your existence....make you think that everyone would be better off if you were no longer here....worst of all...nobody understands how you feel.....what your thoughts are...heres the good news...people on this site understand what you are going through.....so ask questions.....let it all out...trust me...we know how you feel....best of luck...arti

cosmicrexia, You are not a bad person, and you do deserve to have good things. More people than you think would miss you if you were not here. Depression is a mean illness. It lies to us and tells us we are not worthwhile. I have felt this way too at times. I understand how you feel. Stay with us and stay safe. PM me if you want to.

Hi cosmicrexia,

I'm sorry you're feeling bad, but impressed that you're a great student at the same time. You might find this helpful.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

- vital

I have straight A's too. Same thing. I'm losing the friends I've made in the first place.

I hope you don't do suicide. I hope you live on. I'm just kicking myself in the butt to be motivated to live. My life is still being controlled by my mother though.

Today I knocked on my door and no one let me in until i was already waiting for 15 mins. I felt unwanted and worthless but I can't put that on anyone. You're boyfriend seems to care. In the end, do you want to emotionally scar anyone how had the least association with you?
Do you want to scar them so badly that they become like you?
Suicide messes people up in the head, seriously.

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Thank you so much. I feel like there's no escape and that's why i still contemplate suicide, but that's right, i don't want anyone to suffer that much, and i know deep inside they'd feel guilty about it, even if now i feel like they wouldn't care. What's more, i don't want to try and fail, which living with my parents is most likely to happen. I don't want anyone finding my body.
But also, if i don't do it, it just doesn't feel like living anymore, it's like a limbo in which everyone lives and progresses and i get stuck in the same place without any type of exit and no one notices i'm behind them. And they tell you "move on". How can i move on if i don't know why i'm like this? Move on from what? Myself?

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You might want to talk with your parents and boyfriend about these feelings. They could offer you fresh perspectives and possibly adjust what they're doing/not doing to help you.

Maybe you should see a doctor or something. In this reality, you may have a chemical imbalance and maybe if they help out with it you can stop having these thoughts weigh you down.

I think maybe you should see someone for help. I had these thoughts when I was little and getting bullied but I had no choice but to live on. Now my situation is better but the feelings linger. Maybe you should try getting away from your life now and finding something that makes you feel at peace.

Best wishes.

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Well, i'm currently in treatment with a psychologist, as i suffer from an ED as well, she's studying my case and maybe i'll get some kind of meds, but i don't know yet. About trying to find peace, i've tried to learn new things, like studying russian, skating, playing guitar, but i guess i start things and then i leave them. I've never been like that before. I've played the violin since i was 4 and now it's been 6 months since i last played it, i seriously can't do it, lol

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Hang in there...give your psychologist a chance....depression is a chemical imbalance...hopefully you get medication....give it a chance..it does take time....