[Billtrick]

Pain radiates from the street that isn't good with names. Pain permeates the trees that have long awaited respite from the saw. Pain succumbs to the rhythm of the train. And I cannot go outside, for there is no rhythm in the rain.

Today has been interesting. I woke up and felt an inexplicable strangeness booming from my head to my toes. The medication I have been taking for the past little while has driven me further and further into hell. It has made clear thought impossible, it has taken away any will to get better. It has created an apathy that is sinking into my bones making it harder and harder to be. I want to feel the warmth on my skin from a lover's touch. I want to feel the particles of light from the sun to shower me in it's radiance. I want to know what it's like to feel pain and not shatter. To feel sorrow and not collapse. I want to know how not to hate the breath that passes out of my lungs. To not loathe this bag of bones. Needless to say I am not well today and I will not be well tomorrow. But I will persist.

[TheOriginalMe]

I'm calmer, but that is about it. Whenever I stop to think I get upset, so I just don't think.

[JustTvTroping]

Possible trigger:

I feel I'm getting close to having another breakdown. Part of me keeps automatically trying to hold these emotions back. I'm scared that if I let them go, I'll emotionally lose myself and won't be the same. I can't go on feeling numb anymore, but I don't know what to do-I can't hide it anymore.

[Rose76]

I'm getting lazy and apathetic. I don't feel depressed in the way that it usually feels, but the result is similar, so I better get over this funk, whatever it is.

[tigerlily84]

Feeling tired. This will be another long week at work. I got a promotion, which makes me excited and nervous. But as soon as my supervisor told me, I thought, "Are you sure???"

I need to stop overthinking things. I heard that this position is a TON of work. I'm nervous to see how I handle things. Change tends to trigger me. I start my training on Wednesday. I'll be sure to tell pdoc about this during our appointment next week. Who knows, if the raise is good enough, I might be able to afford to see a T again. ....Or, I will look into a newer car lol. No, T. I can't decide! I know what I should do...

[Espresso]

I'm still holding on. The pain and inner turmoil is relentless and unbearable. But I'm still here.

[color14u]

I am so angry right now. I shouldn't be suffering like I am. I had a couple of glasses of wine on Saturday. I didn't want to face the holiday. Probably said things I wouldn't have typically said, but maybe they needed to be said. The weather was nice enough I tried working in the garden. I love doing that normally, but I couldn't. Depressed me even further. Due to my physical therapists giving up, I am now being preferred to an orthopedic surgeon. If they can't be 90 to 100 percent sure any surgery is going to work, it's not going to happen. I am way over all of that. They also decided to make my handicap placard a permanent one. That just made me feel so excited and positively looking forward...
Hope everyone survived the holiday... hugs to all. It looks like quite a few of us did struggle

[Symbolic]

I've had some setbacks in recent weeks, but am turning things around recently. Money is a concern right now, but stressing out about it isn't going to help. As long as I don't lose focus, and can remain motivated, things will turn around.

Still really frustrated/bummed out that this migraine is hanging on. If I still have it tomorrow, that'll be a week straight. The typical length I think is 1-3 days. Not sure why mine typically last longer. Tomorrow is the neurologist, who I really hope has some solution(s) for me.

Today I'm going to tough it out (with the migraine) and volunteer at the museum, go to an AA meeting and vote. Pain meds will help dull the pain.

Grey and rainy days like this depresses me. But so do beautiful, sunny days. Cars and dark wet roads depress me. So do chirping birds and green grass and flowers. I'm depressed, no matter the weather.

[Smileonmyface]

Home after school pickup. Feels like the whole day looms ahead even though it's lunchtime rainy & depressing but like shypoetgirl said the weather doesn't really matter cleaned up the yard yesterday but too wet to play now.I just don't know how to fill up the kids days. Gave up already on making friends with other preschool mommies I don't think people want friends anymore I really don't everyone seems so apathetic or maybe it's always been me well screw them just dreading when my daughter turns 4 and we don't know anyone to invite to a over for her

[mulan]

I'm learning psychiatry now (I'm a med student).
I am diagnosing myself with squizoid personality disorder. Mixed with high anxiety levels and some depression. Is this what I have since I was a litle child? Probably.
I read the wikipedia article about squizoid personality disorder, besides it being very exhausting (I think it's a very good article) I saw myself so much in that article.
And it not only discribes the social withrwal and the cold emotional appearence, it also discribes the intense feeling of a more close relationship and the need to protect the self. Secretive with a inner imaginary world:It have always been me.

[Chummy]

I shouldn't go look on my T's Facebook. I can't see anything, only her profile and cover picture. She has a new picture, it's of her and her 1-year old daughter. So cute. I feel so jealous now. And sad. My T is so nice and she deserve everthing good.
But I want something too. I don't know what. I was so sure I didn't want a child or to live with someone. But when I see a photo of my T with her cute daughter... I feel like it would be nice to have a daughter too. But still, I don't want to be pregnant, and I don't want a son.
I don't know. Maybe it's not even a child I desire. Maybe I just want some love.

Possible trigger:

I now really want to die. It might be that I get that thought of wanting to die when I'm in too much pain or in a hopeless state. Or I just really don't want to live anymore.

[TheOriginalMe]

I allowed my imagination to run away with itself, just for a moment. I felt hugely silly when I crashed down to reality. I built up an unrealistic expectation from one throw away remark, I hope no-one saw my anticipation. I have a good poker face, so the likelihood is that no-one noticed. Sometimes, like now, I will spend hours obsessing about a single reaction to a non-event. I analyse, evaluate and search for a meaning that just isn't there. I have no idea why I do this, but it is exhausting and pointless.

The only reason I'm still here is because of my sons and I'm not even a good mom.

Originally Posted by disparaissant

The only reason I'm still here is because of my sons and I'm not even a good mom.

The only reason I'm still here is because of my mom, and I'm not even a good daughter.

[Angelique67]

I did even worse today than usual. I am in terrible anxiety right now but I'm also very depressed and I'm not sure if I'm ever going to feel better.

[eggplantlife]

Sigh..I gave myself a bad haircut

I survived my latest breakdown. It's over for the time being. But I know it's going to happen again, and probably soon. I feel sane at the moment, with some inner strength. I wish I could make this last. See my T tomorrow. Going to let her know how rough things have been lately. She usually just says sorry I've been having some hard days but thinks I'm still ok. Whatever.

[JohnCrow]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

The only reason I'm still here is because of my mom, and I'm not even a good daughter.

I suck at being human. The only reason I am here is because I am afraid I would mess up a suicide and leave myself crippled or brain damaged

And, what's worse, I know I would be like Charly and remember being able to take care of myself

Long story short (too late!) not s really good day

[Chummy]

4am and I'm still awake. I feel misarable, sad, hopeless, lonely. I'll see my T in less than 10 hours. I don't know what to talk about to her. There is so much, but yet so little. Talking about how bad I feel, it feels so fake when I talk about it. Because I usually don't feel like that when I see her. I don't really want to go. I just want to hide from everything.

[herethennow]

I think without T,

Possible trigger:

I wouldn't be alive.

Still doing badly.

[eggplantlife]

Pain too much. Drinking helped but must stop now. Have become bad habit. Know it. Must stop. Having hard time. Pain of life too much.tired of reaching out.

feel horrific

So bummed out that I still have this migraine. See the neurologist this morning and am hoping for some answers.

Saw my potential employer at the AA meeting yesterday and approached him about "putting out heads together," as he said we should do this week. He said he didn't get home from the Badgers championship game until 3 a.m. so was too tired to talk about it yesterday, but that we would "get together" this week sometime. So have to wait patiently for that to happen.

Just wishing my headache was gone and I could go jogging again. Today marks a week.