[darkpurplesecrets]

I feel so depressed and lost. I finally fell asleep last night (early morning) to awaken by one of the worst dreams ever. My fear and anxiety are so high and I need to hide away from the world. My head is racing with thoughts and feelings I don't understand, but somewhere in it all there is a memory flashing and a silence that is pushing me to the edge of all I know.

I am screaming "GET AWAY FROM ME" within, pushing with all I have away from everything I know. I can't hear I'm sorry again, I can't feel rejected or forgotten like an old project no longer needed or cared about, I can't go on in this fear the nightmares are causing. Sometimes all I need is a hug, but I cannot ask for one, I cannot reach for one. And I'm tired of wondering if I even deserve one or if I am just so awful and like poison it isn't even noticed.

I am running within, faster than I have for a very long time. My heart and mind cannot take it, it is too scary and I feel too lost, tired, forgotten, and scared to even care. I hear "JUST LET GO" as if I am screaming it, but no sound is even escaping my mouth, not even a whisper, just unending hearing within myself and a silence to the outside world around me. I am beginning to really feel that would be the best. Sometimes I just get tired of trying, tired of thinking, tired of the dreams, the feelings, the emotions I don't even understand.

I get tired of feeling so small and as if the world is leaving me behind. I feel confused and tired of being so strong. I don't know how to be an adult, I never learned to be a child. But I also don't know how to let anyone really too close, anyone know I am not okay. I have to get it, I have to keep working to heal even though I am not where I am thought to be. But I have to be----I have to be there even if I am not. If not I will be alone, and I am terrified to be alone again. What part of it all does the world not get? Am I really not supposed to feel so terrified and just get over it?

Sometimes I feel my brain hurts so much. I get afraid to say anything for I sound or will sound so stupid. I feel lost at times too without a way to explain it, and even when I try I feel stupid and not understood. Seems more lately I cannot even bring my thoughts together at times, like there are times words are there, then just disappear. Like I cannot think or express what I feel or even fear. I don't mean to repeat myself over and over again. I don't mean to be a story no longer important or read. I don't try to be and I don't try to repeat and repeat myself. But my life repeated and repeated abuse year after year, day after day. I really cannot help it. Or should I be able to whether I really can or cannot? By now I should know and stop asking. But I don't.

I just want to cry. To hide under the covers and cry. To make it all stop. To make it all just go away. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to need. The abuse has caused my body to fall apart. After all these years of being so strong, not sick, holding it all deep within the confines of my mind, within the memories of all within, I failed. My body failed. My body is failing. Not only was I a burden to my abusers now I am becoming and have been a burden to those in my life.

I am sorry I cannot seem to forget it, I cannot seem to get it, I cannot seem to let it all go, I cannot seem to get over it, I cannot seem to give it to God. I cannot be the person everyone wants or needs in their life. I don't feel even worth my own tears, and I know I am not worth anyone else's either. I am sorry for ever breaking down. I am sorry for ever being born. I am sorry for the burden I was and continue to be.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

...unending hearing within myself and a silence to the outside world...

...I don't know how to be an adult, I never learned to be a child.

...I don't mean to be a story no longer important or read. ...But my life repeated and repeated abuse year after year, day after day. I really cannot help it.

...The abuse has caused my body to fall apart. ...My body is failing. Not only was I a burden to my abusers now I am becoming and have been a burden to those in my life.

...I cannot be the person everyone wants or needs in their life.

...I am sorry for the burden I was and continue to be.

Here you are no burden. Here you are a deep well from which many have drawn significant insights. Here you are a mirror in which many have seen portions of themselves.

Unending internal echoes with no outlet...

"Child" then "adult" is the natural progression. I observe that when that progression is disrupted, the repercussions are often severe.

Please take all the time and space needed to disgorge the poison. That story is not going to get old so long as abuse remains in the world.

Bodies - and minds - fail after long repeated use, especially after repeated stresses. Stress, regrettably, seems to develop momentum and a life of its own though divorced from the original stressors.

Who taught you that you must be what everyone needs in their lives? (Not a rhetorical question.)

((((((( DPS )))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( dps )))))))

[sabby]

((((((((((( dps )))))))))))))

My friend, I hear you. I'm trying hard to understand you. I know that I fail in doing that sometimes, but I do try. I try because I "want" to try, not because I "have" to try. It is my choice, having you as a dear friend is "my" choice. You are NOT a burden to me or anyone here at PC.

What you have to say is important, very important. I want to hear what you have to say whether or not you think it makes sense. It doesn't matter if it makes sense right now, getting it out is what matters most. Understanding usually comes later.

I don't want you to disappear. You are near and dear to my heart and I care about you. You are a phenomenal woman. I feel blessed to have you in my life. Don't forget, we get what we need in life and we needed each other. There is no doubt about that in my mind and heart.

My heart aches for you and what you are going through. I want to walk that path with you. I don't have to do that, but I WANT to do that. Do you understand the difference?

You are my chosen sister and best friend. I don't walk away from those I love and care about. I am still here and will continue to be here. Just know that I love you and that there is nothing you can't do to walk your journey and you are not alone.

[darkpurplesecrets]

I so wish I could say I felt better. Seems days are so short as the nights feel so long, and my thoughts feel far away, though I try to connect, I feel I am drifting often in a place no one else can exist. And I feel scared here. Alone. Very sad. It feels right now words are all I have to let anyone know where I am, and those at best often feel far away too. But there are times they do come, and I feel so thankful for those times, and I fear when it feels those seem to exist only as thoughts that never make it to the light of day.

So please bear with me, for I am writing today as I feel I am drifting, somewhere within all these thoughts hitting me right now. I just need to get them out.

I used to write all the time, others within wrote also, but that was when that was all we could dare to do was write and hide our words away in the light of day. Even then, that was so scary as many times they were found, used against us, and destroyed or taken away. How can someone use your own words against you, words never said to anyone, words that had a real meaning--a line to the life they spelled out that was yours. Words hidden and afraid of even being seen or known they were written.

Secrets, unknown to anyone, but a life line to the very breath you were holding onto every day. A breath you often wanted so much to stop breathing, that made you feel you had stopped breathing many times, taken by a part you didn't even know existed just to keep you alive. But why? Why did that breath get taken? Why was it so important when all you really wanted was for it all to stop?

Often times gasping breaths that hurt to even be breathed, hidden between frames where no one even knew you were alive at all. Would it have been so bad if that breath never came? Would it have meant anything to anyone if that breath had stopped then? We were but a secret anyways, at least to the world surrounding us. A secret, a dirty shameful secret. A secret of darkness within the very darkness surrounding us---our life.

I find myself crying so often when no one else is around. All of what is within asking so many questions, feeling so much that I myself have no understanding of, fearful feelings I connect to nothing but terror, running, hiding, pain, and yes even the silence those very feelings held and hold. Silence, a deathly silence that still often fills me and where glances and looks often find themselves ridiculed and often misunderstood.

Silence I am somewhere responsible for but have no way of knowing it sometimes is even present or being seen within the silence itself. And all the while trying hard to get things, to understand, to put meaning to where meaning and understanding seem to struggle to exist at all, but where it needs to be both for myself and those around me. And all the while questions, so many questions; questions there are no answers to, or at least none that can be answered but by me. But how?

Do you ever try hard to get something, at least to say you get it in hopes that saying you get it, somehow you will? Do you ever want so much to not disappoint people, people that mean so much to you, people that though at times it feels the first time all over again, somewhere there is a memory or a sliver of a memory you know them and they are safe? One within seems to know, seems to connect it somewhere, seems to remember what seems to be at times slipping through your own memory?

Do you ever try so hard to hold onto something as you feel it slipping through your fingers or this feeling that it is being pulled away somewhere into a darkness you want so much to follow somehow holding onto that sliver of hope it seems attached to but seems as though it is a fight that tires your mind and your very being of all you are?

I sometimes wonder if I am trying to follow something safe or am I being pulled away into something dangerous away from safety outside of myself? Somewhere that seems unattached floating wrecklessly within the dark recesses of one's mind and all unknown slivers that attach no where, at least not known. You wonder am I dreaming or dreaming still?

Do you ever want to know something or feel something that really you have no clue of understanding, but you are supposed to or by now you are supposed to or should? Are you ever so afraid to allow anyone to know you really don't understand and it is really not coming from you as something you really get or know, but somewhere it is pushing and the words coming from your mouth you don't know and are not your words but a pushing to make others aware you know or believe what is supposed to be known, believed to stop them and separate you further away from others?

Do you ever feel an entrapment stopping what you started to get or feel, as though you are truly a stranger to even those thoughts or feelings? Does one really know or is it because the very fear you've always known, needs to know again? Needs to not fail? Does that fear itself need to be okay for everyone, even if you really are not? Does that fear need to push everyone away by saying it knows? Or is it something else pushing everyone away to keep them at bay that you are understanding what you are not really understanding at all?

Do you ever feel like a stranger, looking back as you walk into the darkness at the end of the day once again? Not by choice, but by something else making the slivers seem far away and that you must know and are okay, even though you really are not? The tears fall in the darkness, hiding from everyone, fighting to not disappear in the darkness of the night outside.

Do you ever feel afraid of being anything but what seems to be acceptable and okay? Seems somewhere fear knows in order to stay, somehow it has to know? But why would it care, since it seems it is trying to push everyone at bay? Or does fear not want to be alone, and in order for that to happen, it does what it is supposed to do. Is that what allows fear to stay and not disappear? Is that what allows one to be here?

Is that what allows others to believe and not question? I sometimes feel I am floating within and among the slivers I am supposed to know. I am supposed to believe. I am to be what ever I need to be, a camillion of sorts. No questions asked no needed answers given..........is this where silence lives and tries so hard to still hide within the fear----the fear of all we don't understand or know?

I am trying, honestly, but I often feel a strain, a strain between fear and silence, a strain that seems to want to cancel each other out. Is this where they wanted us to get, because if fear and silence were no more we wouldn't know? Thus we wouldn't reach or even know to reach out? That there was any need to escape all we'd ever known? Is this the place where the deepest darkest fears met the silence we all knew to carry?

Where we no longer were a part of the world outside us but theirs, a secret world and life---ours. A world nothing but darkness could hold. A world most would never understand or believe. A world where understanding only came from the fear and silence we all carry, driven by those who made you know to be that way, could exist?

A fear and silence only a child, at least this child, could understand; where the mind stopped within the foundation the fear and silence built, created, and implanted before the mind ever understood anything else--life itself..............

Sometimes I feel like I am walking through life within a dream; a dream that always came, a dream we are afraid to awaken from, a dream the child always wished. And now the dream is being infiltrated by a dream, by the slivers and fragments of memories, memories we sometimes cannot seem to awaken from, memories that terrify us all, memories reminding us......if we awaken where we started from....where our dream of safety never existed..............

And the breath...do we take it or do we not......

[vital]

- vital

[artichack]

Know its nice to air it all out......Artie

[Nammu]

I want to wrap my arms around you and say that everything will be ok. But that's not the reality of the world, the sunniest days cast the deepest darkest shadows. But no matter how dark those shaddows, no matter how alone and like a broken record you feel, there will be those of us, both here and in real life that understand the pain.

[sabby]

Would it have been so bad if that breath never came?

My answer is yes!

If that breath never came, I would never have had the pleasure of laughing with you, crying with you, striving for understanding with you, cooking with you, doing things for each other to help one another, to be friends with you.

If that breath never came, PC would have been without a very wonderful member and admin. A lovely soul who has so much compassion and care for others and one who has made many friends along the way.

I think you get my drift my friend. I will try to answer more tomorrow, right now I must go to bed, my eyes are dry and sore. Just know I'm here for you always.

[Travelinglady]

((((dps)))) You are here for a purpose. We don't want you to disappear forever, although I know your pain makes you feel that way. Please hang in here. We love you!

[darkpurplesecrets]

Thank you ((((all)))) for caring and for what you have said. I am so exhausted mentally and feeling so tired. I feel so closed down, guarded, and confused as within is so chaotic and afraid. Seems right now I don't have a lot of words. They feel they are there floating among all the shards that I am trying hard to not look too closely at right now as I don't feel safe or have the energy it would take to feel or face much.

I find myself crying a lot, quiet for the most part, even hiding away. I have all but pushed everyone within trying hard to not allow them to step out right now as things seem so out of my own control and my own grasp at times. I fail, but I do try. I just don't have co-consciousness enough to stop it all. I try not to think, not to feel, but somewhere those things are ever pressing. Right now I just want to cry myself to sleep and forget I even exist at all.

I know that comes from fear, a fear I have not yet allowed myself to even look at. A fear I am too afraid to look at if it would even allow itself to be seen or known except within where it slides in and out of the recesses of my mind and all that reside there. The silence of those within to be known outside of myself right now I feel is what I have to do and it is a fight that sometimes I lose and regret and hate more towards myself ever grows.

I didn't know all that resides within myself, unfair to the world around me that loves me now, but it wasn't on purpose that this was hidden. I just didn't know. I didn't know how much I left myself as a child just to live. I didn't know that other parts of myself came to be to make that possible. And I still don't know why. Seems it would have been much easier to just die than to fight to live and now it all hits me like a ton of bricks, sometimes I feel it too heavy for me to lift off myself and to find that breath even worthy to be taken.

But then when I think of my own terror in dying maybe that played a big part in pushing my mind to do all it could to survive. I know that I am broken, sometimes the tiny pieces make their way to show parts of themselves that has no understanding, no idea where they are, or that time even has gone by. They are terrified, maybe just as or more terrified than I am of them.

I feel lost, and as the shards swirl within, pieces of a picture I don't know or understand for a moment shows itself before falling back in and among the shards still swirling, yet somewhere a familiar fear and knowing within also gasps, terrifying my already terrified mind. I feel like I am exposed, like even my skin is uncovered to the ugliness and marked me within, and I am ashamed and wanting to hide away even more; finding myself trying or at least hiding my own tears until I am alone and within the darkness that seems to understand.

I feel confused at myself and honestly afraid of what lies within those tiny shards within myself. So much hidden so deep in pieces the world may never see or know, and not that the world ever has too, I'd rather it not ever know as too much has already been heard and shown; but they don't leave myself or those within. I am exhausted, tired, and afraid. Will that ever stop? Only time I guess will ever tell. I'm honestly trying..............

[sabby]

(((((((((( dps & all ))))))))))

Fear has been your life. It doesn't surprise me or anyone else how it is affecting you and those inside. I know it's hard to conquer that fear, but it takes tiny steps sometimes in order to do that. Maybe it doesn't feel as though you are making progress when taking tiny steps, but in reality, you are making progress. Any steps forward are progress regardless of how large or small they may be.

I think I understand the fear of letting out the information when you yourself don't have a clear understanding of it. How in the world could anyone else understand right? Sometimes there is understanding outside of yourself though. Those of us who love you and have been with you through the past 7 1/2 years may have an easier time of putting those pieces into place in their own minds than you have of doing it in your mind. Our minds are not filled with so much pain and fear as yours is. That's why it may be easier for us to understand sometimes. And even if we don't understand, we want to help you find your understanding of it all. We don't have to understand those things in order to support you and care about you.

It sounds to me like there may be some flooding of memories going on right now. Could that be your understanding as well? I have seen over the years that when flooding happens, it does shut you down because there is just too much for you to process at one time. Is it possible for you to let the others know that you will deal with stuff when you can and that flooding you with all this is making you and them much more fearful than you all need to be? Just a thought my friend.

You are very important to me and I love you like a sister. I an others here at PC are listening and supporting in the best way we can. You are truly not alone, even if it "feels" like you are.

[darkpurplesecrets]

Fear, it is something that based our life from the beginning. But I feel I really don't understand the fear carried as that too was hidden from me at a certain point. And I feel that is where I am right now, surrounded by a forest full of towering fear. I feel myself encircled and lost somewhere within this place that goes forever.

It is cold here and I cannot seem to get warm. If I had felt this fear back then I would not be here today. Because in our fear strength had to step up and be strong. Fear was present but had to be pushed away far enough that it didn't allow them to know just how fearful we were.

If fear had been allowed to overtake, fear alone would have ended us. Fear has just taken another meaning to me-----one that I don't understand but that I feel more than I ever have before. And I know that I am alone for no one can understand or walk here. It is deep and dark and cold here. I walk this alone.

I feel alienated and as though everything is a million miles away. I am reaching but no one can see as the darkness from the forest hides me away.

The deeper I go the louder fear seems to get.

Where a child never should have been.

I never should have had to be.

And I am scared.

[darkpurplesecrets]

Alone. I'm not stupid or dumb. Just hurt like many others. But I am not stupid or dumb. Like said, just hurt like many others. Wish I was never born. Then I wouldn't have to hurt or feel alone.

[sabby]

The deeper I go the louder fear seems to get.

Where a child never should have been.

I never should have had to be.

And I am scared.

That makes sense to me dps. You are right, a child never should have had to deal with that kind of fear and I do understand your being scared of it right now.

While you may not have complete understanding of the fear that was pulled away from you as a child, it was done to protect you and help you to continue. At this time, as an adult, you are now being faced with that fear. It would have been traumatizing to you as a child and it still will be extremely difficult to deal with as an adult, but you have more support and more ability to deal with it now than you did as a child. I have faith that you will be able to work through this fear and to learn that part of you protected the child but the adult now needs to know about it in order to continue on your journey.

Alone. I'm not stupid or dumb. Just hurt like many others. But I am not stupid or dumb. Like said, just hurt like many others. Wish I was never born. Then I wouldn't have to hurt or feel alone.

No, you are not stupid or dumb by any stretch of the imagination. It's understandable that you hurt like many others and feel alone. I am sorry that this is how you are feeling. I believe that someday you will know what it's like not to feel hurt or to feel alone.

I care more than you know!

[shezbut]

(((dps)))

Sorry that you are feeling this way. I can relate.

When I do have thoughts and feelings like you are describing, it helps me (a little bit) to acknowledge and admit my feelings to those that I trust deeply: my T as well as my DBT group. That's it. It is only twice per week ~ Tuesday for one & Wednesday for the other ~ but I like to look at it like: Wednesday prepares me for the weekend, and Tuesday is my release from the weekend. I do have that resounding feeling more deeply sometimes. Those are times when I have to force myself to speak up.

Perhaps you could try hard to talk about something that isn't as tough to talk about, to test those around you? If they are helpful and safe, maybe next time, talk about something a little stronger, and so on. Hopefully, you will be able to trust at least 1 or 2 people in your life deeply enough to find a sense of comfort and security.

Gentle hugs to you.