[Steiner of Thule]

I still want to kill myself?

I mean I don't know why really. Things are getting a little better for me. I got a job for the first time in my life and I'm becoming a little bit more independent but I'm still sad inside apparently.

I'm turning 22 soon. Friendless at 22. My friends abandoned me. It wasn't a sudden abandonment. Worse than that. It was being replaced, like I was an old model. From best friend to friend to fifth wheel to no one. Watching as my friends found new friends and started leaving me out. Staring inwards as the glass between myself and my old friends grew thicker.

They are gone now.

I feel alone and hurt inside.

I have an idea of how I want to kill myself and it just seems so right. I won't go into the details. It seems to relieving though the idea of it. To just let go and die. Nothing matters anymore and just die. One more thing left to do- just die. It gets intrusive sometimes and I will start to feel a tearing up feeling in my eyes. Intense and strong. It's painful yet I want it.

I want to die.

...

At night I lay in bed, sometimes I am tired enough and go right to bed thanks to the seroquel but sometimes it doesn't seem to work. I lay in bed and thoughts bombard me. Negative and intrusive. I don't belong to live. I am a joke. They are laughing at me.

"They are laughing at you."

"Why do you try."

I wonder why I do try. Why can't I just lay down and die. A path of inner self-destruction. A deep sense of hopelessness.

I feel horrible and ugly. A body ruined and hard to repair. I try to repair it but it's so slow. Such a slow pace. It takes forever.

[Crazy Hitch]

(((Steiner of Thule))))

In response to your question: "I still want to kill myself?" it seems to me you are questioning why you feel this way.

So below is merely my interpretation of things from a personal perspective, from one who has experienced major depressive episodes on the past. Here's my take on this thought process.

For me, personally, it can be difficult to maintain friendships sometimes especially when I am having episodes. When I am severely depressed I isolate. A lot. I don't contact. And I guess in some respects indirectly I ignore them. Oh I have had times when I've just switched off my phone for a week. And haven't bothered to reply to messages. And when I am depressed I guess I am not too much fun to be around. It is just that I think that it is difficult if someone who has never experienced true depression to interpret out indirect yet projected behaviour that is totally not meant for them. Well this can be disappointing really. I mean one side of the argument would be if they are our true friends wouldn't they just stick by our side through thick and thin? And if they don't were they really our friend in the first place? But on the flip side remember that they haven't "walked through our shoes" they do not know "what true depression FEELS like" and makes us do. It can be hard to relate, I would think. I don't think you were intentionally "abandoned". Oh I do certainly know that it feels this way indeed. For sure. This is a valid feeling based on the circumstances. But perhaps it was a case of our friends being unsure of how to help us? I am not sure on this one either?

Now let me discuss this statement with you:

"I have an idea of how I want to kill myself and it just seems so right. "

You have labelled this as an IDEA as opposed to a plan.

As your friend, I want to let you know, I am concerned about this and I am concerned about you.

Do I understand this statement: "It seems to relieving though the idea of it. " Sure. I understand. I mean who wants to live a life with all of these horrendous thoughts of friends leaving, feeling like no one is there, abandoned, worthless. It's like relief I guess. From the feelings that we feel.

"Nothing matters anymore and just die." Well the part that you are referring to that probably wouldn't matter is how hurt you are inside. You are in a lot of pain.

"It gets intrusive sometimes and I will start to feel a tearing up feeling in my eyes." It is a very uncomfortable feeling when we feel this inside and the more we think about this the more upset it makes us feel.

"Intense and strong. It's painful yet I want it." It's like bitter sweet symphony. You don't feel right now like this is the life you want to live and yet are torn by the idea that you want to die. It's awful feeling this.

"Thoughts bombard me. Negative and intrusive." Yes, this is indicative of your depressive phase. They would be negative. They would bombard you. And of course it would make complete sense to me that they occur more regularly when you are lying down because you are left with the opportunity to think about these things without external distraction at night like the sound of the tv, passing traffic etc.

"I am a joke. They are laughing at me." Yes, I understand what you are saying. Our self esteem takes a massive dive when we are depressed. We think things about ourselves that are not necessarily true. But we believe them to be the honest truth because we are so depressed.

"Why do you try." = a reflection of you wanting to "give up". Sort of starts seeming like the "easy" way out doesn't it? I mean it's just so hard right now isn't it? Why should you endure this pain? Why should you endure this suffering? Why have people left you? What have you done to deserve this? Well, these are the negative thoughts swirling through your mind during a depressive phase and boy sure it all feels so real at the moment, I understand.

"I wonder why I do try." = you try because it's WORTH trying.

1. You TRY hang in there and get through this.

2. You try because you are currently depressed.

3. You try because you are experiencing negative thought processes that feel very real.

4. You try because you are not in the right frame of mind right now.

5. You try because I care about you.

6. You try because your depressive phase can and will pass.

7. You try because you ARE capable of trying even though you feel exhausted.

8. You try because the "end" is not the solution.

9. You try because even though you don't want to think about it there ARE people in the real world who do love you and do care about you and WILL be affected if you are gone.

10. You try because you don't want to make a rash decision.

11. You try because if you went ahead with this decision you can't undo this decision.

12. You try because with help you can begin to settle your mood.

13. You try because there are medical professionals who can help you in real life in order to help stabilise your mood.

14. You try because with the right therapy and treatment you can and will begin to feel better.

15. You try because you are 22 and you have a life ahead of you with years to live, people to meet, experiences to enjoy.

16. You try because these intrusive thoughts will not get the better of you.

17. You try because I know that you are better than this.

18. You try because although you feel horrible right now you are not horrible you think this because you are depressed.

19. You try because you are not ugly you think this way because you are depressed.

20. You try because although you think everything is hopeless right now there is hope.

21. You try because this depressive phase will not last forever.

22. You try because you are reaching out for support her right now on Psychcentral and I am here listening to you.

23. You try because you belong here and you are a member of our community.

24. You try because you know that you are supported here.

25. You try because you know that we've got your back.

26. You try because you are not the only person to have felt this and have worked your way through this.

You try because even Doc John cares about YOU - look what he has for you to help you and he doesn't even know you but he is here to help all of us:

Common Hotline Phone Numbers | Psych Central.

Here for you.

I understand your thought processes only to well.

And as one who has been through depressive episodes, I can assure you this too shall pass.

Please try.

Give it a go.

I believe in you (((Steiner of Thule))).

[gayleggg]

I think that it is instinctive for us to keep trying, even if we are miserable. I know I did. I had a plan and everything, but something in me kept stopping me. And we never know, tomorrow might be the day that everything changes. I know for me it wasn't over night but with some new meds my world changed. It may not last but for now I'm glad I'm here. I hope there is a solution for you just around the corner.

[vital]

Originally Posted by Steiner of Thule

I still want to kill myself?

I mean I don't know why really. Things are getting a little better for me. I got a job for the first time in my life and I'm becoming a little bit more independent but I'm still sad inside apparently.

I'm turning 22 soon. Friendless at 22. My friends abandoned me. It wasn't a sudden abandonment. Worse than that. It was being replaced, like I was an old model. From best friend to friend to fifth wheel to no one. Watching as my friends found new friends and started leaving me out. Staring inwards as the glass between myself and my old friends grew thicker.

They are gone now.

I feel alone and hurt inside.

I have an idea of how I want to kill myself and it just seems so right. I won't go into the details. It seems to relieving though the idea of it. To just let go and die. Nothing matters anymore and just die. One more thing left to do- just die. It gets intrusive sometimes and I will start to feel a tearing up feeling in my eyes. Intense and strong. It's painful yet I want it.

I want to die.

...

At night I lay in bed, sometimes I am tired enough and go right to bed thanks to the seroquel but sometimes it doesn't seem to work. I lay in bed and thoughts bombard me. Negative and intrusive. I don't belong to live. I am a joke. They are laughing at me.

"They are laughing at you."

"Why do you try."

I wonder why I do try. Why can't I just lay down and die. A path of inner self-destruction. A deep sense of hopelessness.

I feel horrible and ugly. A body ruined and hard to repair. I try to repair it but it's so slow. Such a slow pace. It takes forever.

Hi Steiner,

I think I've recently noticed stronger and more intense emotions in your recent posts. I think that this might actually be a sign of you getting better even though it might be sometimes unpleasant.

I also think that your natural state is healing and getting better. Your own body and your own senses are trying to heal you right now. It is only held back by the patterns of depression that keep replaying over and over in your head. I know that they can seem overwhelming, but in a way, it's merely a spell that you can escape from if you know what to do.

Have a look at this 5 minute video "The End Of Suffering":

- vital

[nervous puppy]

(((Steiner of Thule)))
I know all too well about those negative, intrusive thoughts. They tell me and sometimes yell and scream at me about everything bad about me. How I have no right to breathe air, and other awful things. I've had these thoughts my whole life. I thought it was "normal", but somehow knew it wasn't, so I never shared with anyone I thought that way. It's wasn't until my mid-40's that I got medication. The thoughts got less frequent, but still showed up from time to time. When they get worse, my meds get increased. The thoughts go away or become whispers that I can turn off.
Between the meds and therapy, I've made great strides, but thoughts are not governed by a toggle switch. I've got 40+ years of thoughts to get rid of, and it's a long exhausting process.
Hopefully, at your young age, your process won't be as long nor as exhausting.

I LOVE what Hooligan wrote...26 reasons why you try. I think we should make a poster of that!

[Idiot17]

((((Hugs))))

[avlady]

that was a great way of organizing thoughts and feelings. i hope this helps!!! i suffer too and it helped me too evn though i didn't post anything like that.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

SoT, I felt self-destructive in my early twenties, but it got better, it really did, please give it some time and hang on.

[eeyorestail]

Hey Steiner. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. The one piece of advice I can give you is to tell you a trick I used while in high school and college and was feeling suicidal pretty much every day. It's a little silly but it worked.

I would pick something I was looking forward to that had a scheduled date--usually something in a few months' span and something that didn't depend on anything I did or didn't do. For example, the next Harry Potter book coming out. Then I would say to myself, "Well, I can't kill myself until I read what happens next in Harry Potter!" Of course eventually the Harry Potter series came to an end and I had to start picking other things. Right now I'm pretty determined to see the new Avengers movie.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I think that it is instinctive for us to keep trying, even if we are miserable. I know I did. I had a plan and everything, but something in me kept stopping me. And we never know, tomorrow might be the day that everything changes. I know for me it wasn't over night but with some new meds my world changed. It may not last but for now I'm glad I'm here. I hope there is a solution for you just around the corner.

I am on meds that help but I still feel bad. The nights are the worst.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by vital

Hi Steiner,

I think I've recently noticed stronger and more intense emotions in your recent posts. I think that this might actually be a sign of you getting better even though it might be sometimes unpleasant.

I also think that your natural state is healing and getting better. Your own body and your own senses are trying to heal you right now. It is only held back by the patterns of depression that keep replaying over and over in your head. I know that they can seem overwhelming, but in a way, it's merely a spell that you can escape from if you know what to do.

Have a look at this 5 minute video "The End Of Suffering":

- vital

Strong emotions are good and bad. Good because I am more "human." Bad because it makes me more likely to act on things. Act on impulses.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by nervous puppy

(((Steiner of Thule)))
I know all too well about those negative, intrusive thoughts. They tell me and sometimes yell and scream at me about everything bad about me. How I have no right to breathe air, and other awful things. I've had these thoughts my whole life. I thought it was "normal", but somehow knew it wasn't, so I never shared with anyone I thought that way. It's wasn't until my mid-40's that I got medication. The thoughts got less frequent, but still showed up from time to time. When they get worse, my meds get increased. The thoughts go away or become whispers that I can turn off.
Between the meds and therapy, I've made great strides, but thoughts are not governed by a toggle switch. I've got 40+ years of thoughts to get rid of, and it's a long exhausting process.
Hopefully, at your young age, your process won't be as long nor as exhausting.

I LOVE what Hooligan wrote...26 reasons why you try. I think we should make a poster of that!

It was a good post. Sometimes the thoughts are deafening. Do you ever get that? All the thoughts talking at once. Can't hear them and it becomes hard to breathe or think. Like a white noise.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by krminnj

Hey Steiner. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. The one piece of advice I can give you is to tell you a trick I used while in high school and college and was feeling suicidal pretty much every day. It's a little silly but it worked.

I would pick something I was looking forward to that had a scheduled date--usually something in a few months' span and something that didn't depend on anything I did or didn't do. For example, the next Harry Potter book coming out. Then I would say to myself, "Well, I can't kill myself until I read what happens next in Harry Potter!" Of course eventually the Harry Potter series came to an end and I had to start picking other things. Right now I'm pretty determined to see the new Avengers movie.

I can't think of much that I am looking forward to to be honest. I don't have much to enjoy. A hard time getting into anything. I try to but I just give up rather quickly.

[Steiner of Thule]

Slowly increased agitation. I tend to wonder how I was alive before the meds but then I wonder if I am able to get off the meds if I want to. I wonder what would happen.

It's like blinding myself and then I slowly start to regain my sight. I rely too much on the meds I feel to function. If I don't have the meds I become non-functioning and things become hard to bare. Does this make me like a drug addict. Though I think drug addicts were able to function before the drugs. Meanwhile I never functioned properly to start with. I never left the house. Always felt intense paranoia. It was bearable but I never wanted to actually do things. It got worse with the isolation.

I feel like I'm built upon a stack of cards and at any point my house could collapse.

I don't feel safe.

[eeyorestail]

Hold on, Steiner, we love you.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by krminnj

Hold on, Steiner, we love you.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I feel very un-enthused lately. I feel like all I do is work on trying to fix myself or trying to improve and that the light has fizzled out. Life feels very unenjoyable and stale. I just don't feel like I want to do anything. Not a lot of joy.