[nyancola]

so for some background info, i am a 24 year old female. i was diagnosed with major depression at 17, and i was surprised. i felt the same way i always have since i was very young. i assume i just have a low baseline of happiness. but no one would ever guess that i have depression(also some anxiety). this is because i cant help myself but have a big smile when i am with people. i am very talkative, but not overly talkative. this is also something i feel i cannot help. i really do like people very much and i always try to be helpful when i can. i tend to put others above myself.

my attitude towards myself is very different, and it always has been. for as long as i can remember i just cant be motivated to do things for myself. i dont believe i have low self esteem so i dont know why i am like this. i am intelligent but i dont do well in school, many tell me i am pretty and funny and i believe them. so i feel there is nothing wrong with me but i have almost no self worth.

getting down to the real problem i am struggling with is the isolation and absolutely NO motivation. i am always a little messy, my clothes are often dirty because i cant force myself to go to the laundromat even when i have the time, a WHOLE day and all i want myself to do is get my clothes clean but instead i will sit for hours in the same spot. i will say to myself "PLEASE do this, PLEASE do that-" i just lack the will. this is because i feel like i cant leave the house like i dont have energy. when its possible i only leave my house when i have a ride somewhere and i dont have a car so that is sometimes only a few days a week.

what i dont understand is i LOVE being outside when i get there. but once im in side i feel like i have to stay here. i have always had this issue even in highschool. i think about it sometimes, all the things i missed out on the people ive drifted away from because they wanted to hang out too much and it was too demanding for me.. and i have so much regret. but it doesnt motivate me to leave.. and it seems contradicting but i tend to enjoy social interactions a lot less than i anticipate. i feel most fulfilled if im in nature but i also am aware of how incredibly lonely i feel and i wish i could make genuine connections with people, i want to understand and be understood by someone.. but i feel thats never ever happened.

my most successful relationships are always with romantic partners. i have had 3 long term relationships, the first lasted 2 years, the 2nd lasted 3 and the 3rd lasted 4. i am most comfortable with my significant other than anyone else. but i dont have one now. i dont feel the need to get right back in a relationship, i really am not even looking.

**PLEASE if you are prolife at all costs PLEASE dont read the next portion and judge me you could very well push me over the edge as i am struggling**

my last relationship was very mentally abusive and confusing. also i ended up getting pregnant. i was at first determined to keep it. i have ALWAYS wanted to have a baby. my few friends always tell me i am very maternal by nature and i believe its true. while i was pregnant it was the first time i ever felt genuinely happy. i did amazing in school that semester i didnt miss a day of work and i was so tired but i felt so right in what i was doing and for once i felt like i had finally found my purpose, like i was on track.

however i foudn out my partner had been responding to ads on craigslist for sexual encounters. the responses were pretty indiscriminate and including things like meeting women at glory holes and other things of that nature. i am open minded but i know what is right and wrong. and this was so wrong.

i was immediately confused as what to do. i kept thinking about what would happen to the baby if something ever happened to me and i was not here to protect them and i was so thown off by the behavior of my ex that i didnt know what they were ACTUALLY capable of.

Possible trigger:

i had an abortion.

i regretted immediately and every day since then. i felt like i should have been stronger.

its been 8 months since then. at first i was trying very hard to get out of the deep depression, i went out with friends, i joined a gym and exercised consistently, i didnt take any time off from school. i just tried to keep going. i feel like i did the right thing but i cant recapture that feeling i had when i was pregnant, that feeling like everything was right.

lately ive grown so tired of feeling this way and i wonder if i will always feel this way. the past 2 weeks my desire to stay inside has significantly increased and i had 4 panic attacks in 3 days, and it was much more severe and very different from my old panic attacks. i think ive lost hope. so my most last resort was to go back on medication. i had previously been on sertraline(zoloft) in highschool but found i just had the reaction of emotional numbness, and i went off of it. now i am on wellbutrin as of 3 days ago. it was prescribed to help treat my ADD, but i chose it because it can help with depression.

i know i should probably go to therapy, but i worry it will be like before where i wont want to leave my house to go. also i worry that i will get a therapist who is not okay with my choice to end the pregnancy, and i have a lot of shame with that. i dont know if i should tell my psychiatrist about my depression worsening or just hope that in a few weeks the wellbutrin will help.

i know this was a lot, so if youre still reading i appreciate it. i dont know exactly what im asking for, i just genuinely dont have anyone to talk to so any support or advice would really mean so much to me.

thank you

[unhappydaze]

Originally Posted by nyancola

i dont know exactly what im asking for, i just genuinely dont have anyone to talk to so any support or advice would really mean so much to me.thank you

I can't offer any advice; I'm in the same boat as you and I haven't figured it out. Just wanted to say I found your post very moving. Thanks for writing it.

[LelouchLamperouge]

I'm really sorry you're going through all of that. It must be extremely difficult for you. I can't relate to the things and situations you've been in but I have had depression and social anxiety since childhood. I think I probably have some sort of level of ADD too. I think finding a T and getting therapy would help. I know for me that when I finally started seeing a T, it really did help. I have never had any kind of support system where anyone knew about what I was going through and struggling with so having my T to finally unload some of that really helped. My family hasn't even have the slightest clue. Also, therapists are never supposed judge your thoughts or actions so if that ever happens, it is an indication to immediately find a new one. I think it would be a good idea to tell your psychiatrist as well. That way they know and are able to see how you've mentally been from the start of a new medication that you started to however long they decide to see if you should stay on that medication or take you off it. I've been on Wellbutrin for the past month and it has helped me but everyone knows medication always works differently for everyone.

I really hope the best for you and hope good days come to you soon.

(Off topic but I noticed you're from San Francisco. I live in the bay area too (east bay), it's been pretty freaking cold lately lol. Been having the chills too so that doesn't help either)

i'm not judging you at all. i feel for you so much

are you seeing a therapist? i think that would really help you.

[Homeira]

I am sorry that you feel this way! Depression is hard to deal with. I am bipolar, and my main symptom is depression. Don`t beat yourself up over not having the energy to do anything. It is perfectly normal. Depression also has physical symptoms, like lethargy, etc. You have an illness, and this illness does have debilitating symtoms at times. For me, the lethargy lasts for weeks, and I can barely get out of bed, and going out of the house is really hard. I have accepted this as part of my illness, and that has somehow helped me. But everyone is different.
I also have a terminated pregnancy. It is a regret in my life, not so much the abortion itself, but the knowledge that I today could have had two children istead of one. But the situation I was in, made it seem as the only alternative. So I support you in making that choice! What a hard decision to make. I think that you have been through a lot in your life, and you are still young. I am not surprised at all that it has brought on a depression. You have a lot to work through right now. Just remember that this too shall pass.
I would strongly suggest to see a psycologist. You need help to get through the things you are struggling with. And you don`t have to go into the stuff about your pregnancy at all in the beginning. Just let the trust build, and take some sessions to just get the feel of the therapist. It is also normal to get to know the psycologist first, just to see if he/she feels right for you. I started out with a psycologist thet I found out was not right for me. So I told him that it wasn`t working for me. You don`t even have to give a reason. After that I went to a couple of sessions with another one, and I felt a lot more comfortable with her. It was a woman, and I also felt more comfortable with that. The best of luck to you, and I hope you are feeling better soon

[Fuzzybear]

[vital]

Originally Posted by nyancola

getting down to the real problem i am struggling with is the isolation and absolutely NO motivation. i am always a little messy, my clothes are often dirty because i cant force myself to go to the laundromat even when i have the time, a WHOLE day and all i want myself to do is get my clothes clean but instead i will sit for hours in the same spot. i will say to myself "PLEASE do this, PLEASE do that-" i just lack the will. this is because i feel like i cant leave the house like i dont have energy. when its possible i only leave my house when i have a ride somewhere and i dont have a car so that is sometimes only a few days a week.

i know this was a lot, so if youre still reading i appreciate it. i dont know exactly what im asking for, i just genuinely dont have anyone to talk to so any support or advice would really mean so much to me.

thank you

Hi nyancola,

I also used to be depressed for many years, and what you say above is familiar to me. I have something for you to try that has been a HUGE help for me and has worked for other too. It's easy to try and fun. See the notes here

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4369910-post130.html

the top of the thread for more details and post 105 in the thread for my own best overall advice. - vital

[Nammu]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.
No one has the right to judge you or the hard decisions you had to make. You did what you thought best at that time. Considering the circumstances there weren't many choices. I have felt as you do, just sitting and being unable to summon the energy to move. I finally found the right medicine. No T should ever judge you on your past decisions but if it makes it easier you could ask outright when you call around what their outlook on that subject is.
Take care

[nyancola]

thank you guys. i had tried to see a T, i went in and did the whole process of answering all the questions they need for background info. but the T was very short with me.. i felt like i made her uncomfortable.. and not because of the pregnancy info.. just in general which i thought was odd because people usually tell me im very pleasant. at one point she even told me "nonono its okay you dont have to say it" in a tone like she was cringing not to hear it.. made me feel worse about it than ever, because i was telling her about something that was super traumatic to me when i was a child. i scheduled a follow up, but it was my fault im very forgetful and i missed our next appt.. i called her that same day and left a message apologizing and asking to reschedule and she never called me back. it made me feel kind of rejected? a very weird experience.

you guys are really inspiring me to try a T again and im gona schedule an appt today C:

if i can find someone anywhere near as supportive as some of you guys are i know it could really benefit me.

also knowing that you guys dont judge me has given me a great sense of relief. only my father knows about what i did. i havent even been able to tell my closest friend.

Homeira, thank you SO much for sharing that with me... hearing that you understand what im going through makes me feel much less alone. and also i feel for you and would never judge you or anyone else for making the same choice.. so maybe i should try to judge myself less too.

Vital, thank you for the resource!

i cant tell you how therapeutic it was to write a recieve your responses. this post had to be reviewed and i was really anxious waiting to see how the content of the post would be received. i came home last night and checked to see if it was finally up and i had the first 3 supportive responses and i cried a little. you guys really have no idea how much this meant to me.

[LelouchLamperouge]

It's alright. I know exactly how hard it is to go through everything especially when you feel like you're literally by yourself. I'm by no means a lot better now than before and I'm continuously struggling but I try to push forward and take it one day and one step at a time...

Don't forget. If you don't feel comfortable with your T, outright tell your T how you feel or just immediately find a new one. It might be hard sometimes to find a good one that fits but once you do, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. It's always in your best interest and will benefit you in the long run to find a T that you are comfortable with and can trust. And sometimes it will just take time to build that trust in the beginning.

Hope the best for you and things start to get better for you. Everyone has always been here for me whenever I wrote on here and I've received a lot of support from PC so it means a lot to me too. Always feel free to post if you feel like you need to write/share something on the forums, there are a lot of great people who support each other here. Let us know what happens with any updates!

[unhappydaze]

Originally Posted by nyancola

also knowing that you guys dont judge me has given me a great sense of relief.

Never

[Sirensong18]

Hugs! I know it is hard when you feel there is no one to talk to, and I hope this forum helps to give you some support like it has for me. You can feel free to send me a message anytime if you want to talk.

I totally know what you mean about motivation - it's like the initial inertia needed to get up and get going (to do whatever, laundry, housework, shower, etc) is just so hard to overcome. I don't have any magic answers for you, except to say keep trying. Some days will be better than others, but you just keep doing the best you can. Try to remember past sucesses with getting up and getting things going when you're feeling glued to the couch, and remind yourself that you have been able to overcome in the past, and you can overcome in the present too. I'm sure user Vital will come on here at some point and recommend Snap club for you. I've had mixed results with this, but it can be helpful I think.

I also just want to say that it's your body and your decision - don't let anyone who thinks they're 'holier than thou' put you down for your decision to end the pregnancy. You did what you felt was right, what was needed in your life, and there is nothing wrong with that. In your position, I would have done the same thing. If and when you are ready, and when you are with a partner who will support you, you can get pregnant again and enjoy raising a child together. Or you can buck the system and go to the clinic and get artificially inseminated by an anonymous donor. Nothing says you have to be in a relationship to have a baby! But please don't be in a rush to start a family - you're still young yet, and a baby is never a solution to a problem (depression, lonliness, etc.) My mother had me to "fix" her life, and trust me when I tell you that is a horrible way to spend a childhood.

Anyway, I just want to offer you support and let you know you're not alone. Hugs.

[color14u]

Originally Posted by LelouchLamperouge

It's alright. I know exactly how hard it is to go through everything especially when you feel like you're literally by yourself. I'm by no means a lot better now than before and I'm continuously struggling but I try to push forward and take it one day and one step at a time...

Don't forget. If you don't feel comfortable with your T, outright tell your T how you feel or just immediately find a new one. It might be hard sometimes to find a good one that fits but once you do, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. It's always in your best interest and will benefit you in the long run to find a T that you are comfortable with and can trust. And sometimes it will just take time to build that trust in the beginning.

Hope the best for you and things start to get better for you. Everyone has always been here for me whenever I wrote on here and I've received a lot of support from PC so it means a lot to me too. Always feel free to post if you feel like you need to write/share something on the forums, there are a lot of great people who support each other here. Let us know what happens with any updates!

I wish the word advice to help you, but I really didn'. Alwsy believe we do care and are here for yiu

[pinkflower17]

Originally Posted by nyancola

so for some background info, i am a 24 year old female. i was diagnosed with major depression at 17, and i was surprised. i felt the same way i always have since i was very young. i assume i just have a low baseline of happiness. but no one would ever guess that i have depression(also some anxiety). this is because i cant help myself but have a big smile when i am with people. i am very talkative, but not overly talkative. this is also something i feel i cannot help. i really do like people very much and i always try to be helpful when i can. i tend to put others above myself.

my attitude towards myself is very different, and it always has been. for as long as i can remember i just cant be motivated to do things for myself. i dont believe i have low self esteem so i dont know why i am like this. i am intelligent but i dont do well in school, many tell me i am pretty and funny and i believe them. so i feel there is nothing wrong with me but i have almost no self worth.

getting down to the real problem i am struggling with is the isolation and absolutely NO motivation. i am always a little messy, my clothes are often dirty because i cant force myself to go to the laundromat even when i have the time, a WHOLE day and all i want myself to do is get my clothes clean but instead i will sit for hours in the same spot. i will say to myself "PLEASE do this, PLEASE do that-" i just lack the will. this is because i feel like i cant leave the house like i dont have energy. when its possible i only leave my house when i have a ride somewhere and i dont have a car so that is sometimes only a few days a week.

what i dont understand is i LOVE being outside when i get there. but once im in side i feel like i have to stay here. i have always had this issue even in highschool. i think about it sometimes, all the things i missed out on the people ive drifted away from because they wanted to hang out too much and it was too demanding for me.. and i have so much regret. but it doesnt motivate me to leave.. and it seems contradicting but i tend to enjoy social interactions a lot less than i anticipate. i feel most fulfilled if im in nature but i also am aware of how incredibly lonely i feel and i wish i could make genuine connections with people, i want to understand and be understood by someone.. but i feel thats never ever happened.

my most successful relationships are always with romantic partners. i have had 3 long term relationships, the first lasted 2 years, the 2nd lasted 3 and the 3rd lasted 4. i am most comfortable with my significant other than anyone else. but i dont have one now. i dont feel the need to get right back in a relationship, i really am not even looking.

**PLEASE if you are prolife at all costs PLEASE dont read the next portion and judge me you could very well push me over the edge as i am struggling**

my last relationship was very mentally abusive and confusing. also i ended up getting pregnant. i was at first determined to keep it. i have ALWAYS wanted to have a baby. my few friends always tell me i am very maternal by nature and i believe its true. while i was pregnant it was the first time i ever felt genuinely happy. i did amazing in school that semester i didnt miss a day of work and i was so tired but i felt so right in what i was doing and for once i felt like i had finally found my purpose, like i was on track.

however i foudn out my partner had been responding to ads on craigslist for sexual encounters. the responses were pretty indiscriminate and including things like meeting women at glory holes and other things of that nature. i am open minded but i know what is right and wrong. and this was so wrong.

i was immediately confused as what to do. i kept thinking about what would happen to the baby if something ever happened to me and i was not here to protect them and i was so thown off by the behavior of my ex that i didnt know what they were ACTUALLY capable of.

Possible trigger:

i had an abortion.

i regretted immediately and every day since then. i felt like i should have been stronger.

its been 8 months since then. at first i was trying very hard to get out of the deep depression, i went out with friends, i joined a gym and exercised consistently, i didnt take any time off from school. i just tried to keep going. i feel like i did the right thing but i cant recapture that feeling i had when i was pregnant, that feeling like everything was right.

lately ive grown so tired of feeling this way and i wonder if i will always feel this way. the past 2 weeks my desire to stay inside has significantly increased and i had 4 panic attacks in 3 days, and it was much more severe and very different from my old panic attacks. i think ive lost hope. so my most last resort was to go back on medication. i had previously been on sertraline(zoloft) in highschool but found i just had the reaction of emotional numbness, and i went off of it. now i am on wellbutrin as of 3 days ago. it was prescribed to help treat my ADD, but i chose it because it can help with depression.

i know i should probably go to therapy, but i worry it will be like before where i wont want to leave my house to go. also i worry that i will get a therapist who is not okay with my choice to end the pregnancy, and i have a lot of shame with that. i dont know if i should tell my psychiatrist about my depression worsening or just hope that in a few weeks the wellbutrin will help.

i know this was a lot, so if youre still reading i appreciate it. i dont know exactly what im asking for, i just genuinely dont have anyone to talk to so any support or advice would really mean so much to me.

thank you

I've been in a similar situation to you. I was in a...not good relationship, not as bad as the one you were in, when I got pregnant a couple years ago. I was a year or two older than you are. I didn't have an abortion, but ended up having a 28 wk stillbirth. I was struggling with an eating disorder pretty significantly at the time and completely blamed myself for losing my baby. I still do. I, like you have always wanted children, have always been very maternal and I think the only time in my life I was almost okay with everything was when I was pregnant. I stuck it out in that relationship and ended up getting pregnant a second time (we were engaged at this point) two years later and had an 8 wk miscarriage. Shortly after I was diagnosed with a clotting disorder that probably caused both pregnancy losses, but I still blame myself. I think seeing a therapist would help. I still have a hard time talking about it. I've brought it up once in therapy in the last 15 mos. I wish I had something great to tell you, but I really don't. I don't think it matters how the loss happens, but I think losing a child is one of the hardest things a woman ever goes through. It does get easier as time goes on. I don't obsess about it as much or cry etc as much. I do have this almost frantic urge to get married and have children. I don't know if that's age (I'm 31) or if it has to do with me wanting to "make up" for the previous situations if that makes sense or what, but I'm almost panicky when I think about it. And my brother's wives are all having children right now which doesn't help. Message me anytime if you want to talk. I definitely understand what you're going through. I'm sorry this happened. I'm sorry you're going through all this. Hang in there, it will get better. Oh, and don't worry about what a therapist does or doesn't think. It's not their job to judge you. It's their job to support you and help you work through your feelings etc. A good therapist should be able to remain objective. That being said, you may have to try out a therapist or two before you find one you feel comfortable with. Take Care.