[helpless79]

so i discovered that the reason for my past 17 years of severe depression was porn addiction

but..its too late

i am already divorced twice with a boy from the first marriage..the second divorce wasn't too long ago..

i screwed up every work/education opportunity i was given..and i currently work a lousy low pay job that i don't like

i lost 17 hears of my life destroying my life and the life of people around me

ok..so

what good does it do if i realized the cause too late?

if you where me..what would you do? how would you move on with your life? whats the point of moving on????????

what is left for me to do?

is this god's way of giving me the finger?

[kaliope]

it sounds like you made some poor choices and are realizing the consequences. this does not mean that your future has to be ruined as well. you can pick up the pieces of your life that you like and set positive goals for yourself for the future and create whatever you want that will bring you happiness. it is never to late to start life over again. take care.

[helpless79]

but i don't know what to create, and how to create it i have this fear of starting all over

i shackled by my own depression and panic attacks

[helpless79]

let me rephrase..why the hell should i bother with stopping porn addiction and getting my self esteem/normal life back after all thats been done

i actually feel that committing suicide and end my meaningless existence is a much more logical step to take

[pinkflower17]

Originally Posted by helpless79

let me rephrase..why the hell should i bother with stopping porn addiction and getting my self esteem/normal life back after all thats been done

i actually feel that committing suicide and end my meaningless existence is a much more logical step to take

I get that. I just have to remind myself, and my therapist is continually reminding me, I'm not thinking rationally right now, everything is veiled through a mask of depression and that you don't always have to listen to what your brain tells you. Because rationally, I feel like it doesn't make sense for me to continue on. I also spent a lot of the last several years ruining my life. My issue was an eating disorder, but at the end of the day, I think it's all the same. I guess I'm just trying to believe that it is possible to change and that there can be meaning and happiness and goals and dreams and all that in life even if it doesn't work out exactly the way you had originally planned. And I do believe that some of the time...Can you try working on one small thing to change and see if anything improves?

[helpless79]

working out exactly as i original planed?...its not working out at all..

what i am left with after 17 long black years, two failed marriages, and a job that's going nowhere..

whats more..i still have these devastating morning panic attacks that refuse to cease despite my best efforts of "accepting them"..

i am not easily defeated but its excruciatingly painful to give something your all just to see yourself sinking further into the darkness

just now i was yelling at myself out loud demanding to know why my mind is incessantly feeding me depressive thought pattern and endlessly inducing uneasiness that is sure to turn into full blown panic attacks in the morning

i mean..fine..i deserve my misfortune..but i am trying to start over for the past 4 months..why the hell won't you let me

[vital]

Originally Posted by helpless79

just now i was yelling at myself out loud demanding to know why my mind is incessantly feeding me depressive thought pattern and endlessly inducing uneasiness that is sure to turn into full blown panic attacks in the morning

i mean..fine..i deserve my misfortune..but i am trying to start over for the past 4 months..why the hell won't you let me

I do have a suggestion about what to do about those thought patterns. See the notes here

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4369910-post130.html

and the rest of the thread and post 105 for overall advice.

Your past may seem powerful and dominating you now, but thats probably mainly because you just keep thinking about it over and over again. It might be comforting to remember that, in a way, your past is a paper tiger. It's only power over you comes from ghostly habitual thought patterns left over in your head. Freeing yourself from your past really is within your power.

- vital

[helpless79]

but thats the thing though..i am incessantly thinking no matter how much i accept my past or present during these panic attacks

i am living hell on earth every single morning...i could really use a miracle just about now..but how?? god isn't even listening

why should i be so different from other people..

[Dooley75]

I can definitely sympathize with the depression. I've had it for about 24 years now. I am concerned about your statement expressing that the reason you've had depression for seventeen years is due to porn addiction. I am not aware of any credible mental health professional who would suggest such a thing.Granted, I'm assuming I understand your comment out of context, which is likely to be a mistake. Having said that, I don't think God is punishing you - you've had more than your share already.
You are dealing with some really challenging issues. I'm not clear on whether therapy or medication are options you are working with or not. Even if you are, sometimes it's not the best medication or therapeutic method available for you. I will soon be starting a type of therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT, which is helpful in finding ways to reduce mental pain and anxiety in certain groups of people.
In my case, like you, suicide seems a reasonable answer to the ever-gnawing depression and anxiety I experience. DBT appears to be effective for people with strong suicidal ideation like you and me. I would recommend you get in touch with a mental health care specialist familiar with it and see if s/he thinks it could help. I wish you all the best.

suicide ISN'T the answer, it really really isn't. you are in an awful place right now but it won't last for ever, it will get better; this is only a blip and you'll come out of the darkness.

however you need the right support to be able to do this. are you seeing a therapist and on meds?

[vital]

Originally Posted by helpless79

but thats the thing though..i am incessantly thinking no matter how much i accept my past or present during these panic attacks

i am living hell on earth every single morning...i could really use a miracle just about now..but how?? god isn't even listening

why should i be so different from other people..

What's going on is unconscious. That's why it's hard to talk yourself out of it or to escape by consciously accepting the past as you say.

Here's what to do. Find the instructions for "SNAP CLUB" in my previous post and follow them. Don't even try to stop the thoughts right away, just follow the instructions. This will let you use your ordinary life as it is now to empower and heal and train yourself. It is easy and fun to do. Over time, you'll find that you have control over all these things. The discovery that you have control will be a breakthrough. The spell will be broken and you'll realize that you don't have to be afraid of your own feelings anymore.

- vital

[helpless79]

Originally Posted by Annaflower

suicide ISN'T the answer, it really really isn't. you are in an awful place right now but it won't last for ever, it will get better; this is only a blip and you'll come out of the darkness.

however you need the right support to be able to do this. are you seeing a therapist and on meds?

a blip that lasted 17 years? this is eternal torment

as for a therapist..i am not seeing any..and i don't want to ask any family member to fork over the money cause i already feel useless/worthless enough..i don't want to look/feel even weaker

i also quite my meds 4 months ago because they were making me feel indifferent toward everything

i am trying to accept my depression/anxiety and raise my dopamine levels without relaying on any chemicals..but i reached my limit..i am lost

[Retarded&sensless90]

I am not as old as u and have only wasted about 10yrs of my life so far but the reason for me reporting is because of the morning anxiety issue that u discussed earlier.i have the same thing so bad that when I wake up its like a ton of bricks hitting me in the chest.i have actually puked from it..i immediately have to reach for my pills and take some to come back to what I guess u might call normal.and then the craziness in my head tells me a hundred different ideas that are really going to further ruin my life.i joined here to try and express and get feedback and meet others with the same problem

Possible trigger:

to stop me from getting a pistol and listening to all the evil that my mind tells me is the only way

..maybe just maybe this will help u for a day..i take nuerontin for my anxiety and its the only thing that helps me out in the mornings.dont do it..just for today man