isolation

I'm in a pretty solid Catch-22. I isolate myself, because I know I'm a burden to people at best, and at worst I spread my negativity. Because I'm so isolated, it makes me more and more convinced that my thought process is correct - I have no examples to disprove it, after all. I don't feel like I have any right to speak up to the people I do interact with, that I can't say I want anything. Therefore, I get treated poorly, I get treated like a throw away, like I'm worthless, which also reinforces my self image.

I'm kind of venting. I don't see any way out of this. I can't forgive myself for hurting other people, and I take all the blame for everything, so I can't tolerate pushing against my boundaries. I just suck it up, until I snap.

I feel like a burden just posting this, because I'm laying this out there, stressing you out, and I can't take any advice, so you can't even help me. Do you understand now why I self isolate?

Well you didn't stress me

I know that you said you can't take advise but I'll give it anyway. I'm pushy like that.

Negativity isn't bad to be around, that's new age mysticism crap. Most people I've ever met are the glass is half empty kind of people. Hell I know I am. Maybe its a bi product of the industrial age or maybe our monkey ancestors saw the cup as half empty because if they didn't refill it in a drought they died.

Whatever the case get out there and meet some people. If you feel like a burden ask, all to often we perceive things that just aren't true. So verify it with someone else. If they do say your a burden f*** em, find someone else.

Hope you feel better soon.

I'm glad you were able to come here and post. PsychCentral is the perfect place to dispel myths about ourselves. Posting here will bring you positive feedback and support. It will help you to build your confidence so that you can use it in the real world.

On PC there are no bad posts and if you are feeling negative there is always someone to help boost you up.

I understand the catch-22 as I have anxiety that makes me want to stay home. It keeps me from going out even when going out would do me good, but when I go out I get anxious and just want to get back home. It's a hard cycle to break.

A friend of mine recently talked me into signing up for a class. It's only one night a month, but I'm already stressing out about going. I wish I had said no, but I know that it will be good for me and since I committed to going I will force myself to go, but it won't be easy. So I understand.

Just keep posting and as you get to know people you will start to feel better and part of the community.

Good luck with your class.

Oh also - I was accused of pushing people away - by someone who regularly gets overwhelmed by friendships and backs away from them, preferring the company of strangers. Now, on the one hand, I have to take that observation with a grain of salt. But on the other, again, it's another thing to blame myself for. It's true that I will cut people out of my life if they abuse me, but unfortunately I'll give them like 10 tries before I go for good. But if I do push people away, then, once again, I should stay away from people, because if they get attached I'll just drop them and hurt them. In theory.

Hi,

I know what you said. I also isolated myself from people because I was afraid of hurt them with a lot of negativity. But don't blame yourself, it is depression and not you. Maybe you can be honest with people telling that you are depressed (if you have a close friend) and maybe they can understand why you are acting this or that way.

It's so strange. I moved to Florida to be near my family thinking it would help my depression and anxiety. Now I feel even worse. Terribly irritable. I isolate myself from them even. I stay in my room all day. I go out there for a little bit to be near them and feel like crying for not wanting to and having to struggle just to be around them. Then I go back to my room and cry. I know they think I'm just being a jerk. They just don't get it. I don't wanna be around anyone or go anywhere or do anything. I feel numb and sad. Crying and worrying about things throughout the day.....

I understand why you isolate yourself. I feel the same way

The big problem is I'm avoidant (AvPD), which is another Catch-22 - you can't allow yourself to be around people, but you still crave people. Along with extremely low self-esteem to the point that it makes no logical sense, anhedonia, which is an inability to feel pleasure, an absolute intolerance of being judged so that even compliments cut like a knife, and some other lovely stuff, all due to chronic emotional child abuse. Great, huh?

The depression is not part of the PD, but it is caused by the PD. Let me tell you, it's hell on earth to know exactly what you want and need, to know how to get it, for it to be such a common thing that everyone else, even the lowest of the low, gets it, but for some reason you're not eligible for it. Which feeds the negativity - mass murderers and child molesters and scum buckets are "good enough" for someone to care about them, but I'm not, so I must somehow be an even worse person than mass murderers and child molesters and scum buckets. See how that works?

And it frustrates people to hear that. I know that. I drive people away because they can't stand me running myself down.

Additionally, if someone actually breaks down my wall and gets me to trust them - which takes some work, believe me - then they have to deal with my "intense" devotion. I think that's normal, but apparently for most people their relationships are very casual, take it or leave it, superficial, I don't know how to describe it. It's like my casual is equivalent to the general populace's soul mate level. I think it's weird to have friendships based on talking about TV shows or something. Everything is deep with me - "intense." Normal.

I bring people down by being myself, so to be a decent person, I need to stay away from people. I either have to completely change myself and be something that I don't even understand and I don't personally think is an improvement, or I have to protect people from the effect I will have on them.

No wonder I'm depressed! lol

Sorry you struggle with this. If it helps I have a friend that has sever depression and anxiety and they isolate to. I have tried to let them know I just want them to be themselves, to stop by and see them from time to time and help if I can but they are afraid to be judged and probably afraid to be left too since all their friends have done that before.
Just keep trying one day you will find someone willing to be with you like you are. Those people are harder to find and when you do you should hold onto them. If you have a friend, try to tell them how you feel in depression you explained it real good here.

I have a friend who completely understands, who is also avoidant, who is also depressed, and who also self isolates. So... When we sync up, it's great, but more often than not, we can't talk to each other, which sucks.

Maybe you can connect with them in other ways. Texting or calling may help. You also have people here and there is the chat.

It feels pointless. I mean, with this friend especially, I get put in a "no contact zone" and am back burnered. Every other person on the planet comes before me. I understand it. It's so much easier to deal with people on a non-personal level, where you can still be aloof. But it really solidifies my position as unworthy. People who are wholly selfishly motivated and even those who are on an outright mission to hurt my friend come before me at this time. I'm not like that, and yet I'm the one out in the cold. Therefore, my essence must be so bad that it's worse than all that mistreatment. Logically speaking.

As far as here - well, I'm just a drag. So really, the same thing comes into account. No one would want to interact with me, and if they were kind enough to try, I couldn't let them because I know what I would end up doing to them.

Actually, my doctor would have a cow that I'm talking at all on the forum. Giving people advice, okay, but talking about myself? According to her, that's a really bad sign. For me, that's like when suicidal people get to the point that they're giving their stuff away.

It's just hitting me hard at the moment. I will get to the point of acceptance again. Shut up and suck it up, because this is all I've got. And I'm not that bad off. I have the first two levels of the hierarchy of needs covered. That's better than a lot of people. I have no right to want what I cannot have. This episode will calm down again sooner or later.

Idk why some doctors or therapists think forums like this are so negative I had one T who said I mustn't post in any forums at all (I fired her... Apart from that she wasn't too bad, I should have just kept it from her, it was none of her business...

The above isn't in reply to the post I've quoted, good you have one friend who gets you and some of us here probably could as well