What's wrong with me?

I went to my Mom's house today and I actually had a good time but I didn't have a good time. It's really hard to explain. They did absolutely nothing wrong. Everyone who was there when I was, was very nice to me, happy to see me, complimenting me, giving me presents and I feel genuinely wanted me to stay longer.
But I as I drove home I felt the depression wash over me and it thickened when I got home. I keep crying and I don't even know why.
I feel so alone. I just feel alone. I want to get out of this place I live in, I want to move to where there are trees and grass. I want to have my own family. I want a best friend. Why am I such a terrible person-why else would I be so alone?
I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel like my heart is sinking .
What is wrong with me?

(((((((((((((((((pickle))))))))))))))))
you are not a terrible person at all,im sorry you feel this way at the moment, come cry with me, and hopefully this will pass

sweetheart pickle, it's called depression and it hits us and we play those old tapes in our head over and over........i'm sorry it hit you today. love, pat

(((((((((((((( pickle ))))))))))))))
I've some tissues and honey to share with you, grrrrr at depression and families

((((((hugs)))))) there's nothing wrong with you, sweetie. Someday I hope you get to see what's wrong with the people causing you problems, instead of taking it on yourself.

Love, Candy

Pickle-- I am reading a book called The Abandoned Child Within by Kathrin Aspar, and it is explaining many things about myself to me that I haven't been able to understand. One of the things is what you describe of being a kind of spectator at our own lives, and another is not feeling connected to others.

It comes, according to Aspar, from having parents who don't allow us to feel our feelings when we are young. I know that doesn't help you with your feelings and I am so sorry that you are feeling badly. I understand.

(((((((((((((((((((Pickle)))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((YouWhoAreReallyNiceToMeAndMakeMeFeelCaredAbout)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you. Your words mean so much to me and I soak them in like a dehydrated sponge. I really appreciate you.

My Mom was so very kind to me, it made me feel guilty. She looks so sick-her eyes are sunken in from the medicines she's taking and all she wanted was to spend time with me. Why do I have to abandon her for almost 2 years to get her attention? My Pop (step-dad) was very sweet to me, too. He's the kind of guy who stares at the tv, you ask him what's on and he'll say "I don't know" but he'll sit there staring at the television. I remember this happening a lot while growing up. It wasn't like that today. Today he turned his back to the tv and I had his full attention, he asked me questions about myself but I didn't know what to talk about. No wonder he usually just stares at the tv. I'm boring!
My sister and brother relations are basically the same. I always feel somehow left behind but they didn't do anything wrong. They both became Jehovah Witnesses and it kind of makes me feel like I'm not in their little Jehovah groupie thing. I don't take well to religion. I have trouble believing in Happily Ever Afters in heaven or elsewhere. I also have problems with almost all religions being Male Superiority based beliefs. That's ********. Men cause so much pain, heartache and abuse-they don't take their "master" positions with humility or responsibly but rather with a grandioseness and arrogance that makes me lose all respect for them and also with total mistrust. If this is who I'm forced to believe God leaves to be "in charge" then I also have some serious mistrusts towards God too. But I do really believe God is good so therefor I don't believe in those religions that commands me to serve thy males. %#@&#! that!
Sorry, I wandered off the main subject...
I think I said some mean things to my sister in law, it wasn't intentional but things kept popping out while we were playing one of those games where a question is asked about the people whom you're playing the game with. After I'd answer one of the questions I thought pertained to her, I realized how mean it may have sounded. She seemed to take it in stride but I analyze where that's coming from.
Am I jealous because she "took" my brother away?
She also triggers my insecurities and my low self esteem and of course, my paranoia makes me think she does it intentionally. But I don't know, maybe she doesn't. She doesn't.

I don't know anything anymore. Maybe it's not my family, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one with the problems and I'm projecting them onto my family so I don't have to take responsibility for them. I just don't know anymore.

I'm dealing with issues- is it them or is it really me? I know I play a part in it but where does my part end and their part begin?
It feels like I don't know who I am anymore.

hun its not ya fault, u just need to wait for the depression to pass. iagree on the religion thing,,,,
anyway,,, u cant be happy all the time so dont beat yaself up for not being happy when ya "should" have been, it doesnt work like that.
(((((((((((((((((pickle))))))))))))))))))
tc
self

((((((Self_harmer)))) Thank you

((((((((((((((((Pickle)))))))))))))
Being around family can be especially hard ... and having all of these feelings surrounding you all the time sure doesn't make things any easier. Just remember that there is NOTHING wrong with you. Depression is an illness and while it may not seem like technically you don't have any reason to be upset, there always is. Sometimes its just hard to put meaning and words to describe how or why you are feeling the way you are.
Just know that you are by no means alone in how you are feeling .. and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel - its just sometimes hard to find.
Hang in here
Jacq

((((((Jacq)))))))))) Thank you. I'm holding out for the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm running in the dark towards where I think I'll find it. I may trip and get lost a few times but I'm positive, I'm absolutely sure that I'm going to find it. I just have to keep trying. I'm going to keep trying.
((((((((Thank You and Everyone here on PC))))))))))))))))))))