i don't know how anyone can truly enjoy being alone. well, i can, because i'm naturally an introvert. but i mean the kind of alone where you have no one - friendless, and without love. that's the kind of alone i am right now. sometimes i feel like i can't stand it for another minute. yet i have so many things to fix about myself before i can ever expect somebody to like me, let alone love me.

taking care of myself is hard when i'm alone. it's easy for me to feel like there's no point, that nobody cares if i am taken care of or not, so why bother? i'm tired of shouldering this burden alone. sometimes i just need to be held.
why does nobody even want to hold me? i must be diseased.

tonight will be like all the other nights. i'll stay on the internet until i'm tired, then i'll go to bed - alone. i'll have to hug a pillow and pretend somebody's holding me so i can even fall asleep. then tomorrow i'll wake up - alone. i'll live another day by myself. trying to improve myself, but to no avail. trying to make myself pretty to attract somebody, then not even going out. then i'll sit in my room and cry about being alone. the same predictable pattern.

either way, i end up all alone.

[detfan4life]

I'm so sorry you feel this way.

I care whether you take care of yourself or not.

I can't completely change what your experience tonight will be like. I CAN offer one change to your expectations for this evening. I'll be thinking of you and giving you a strong, hopeful hug through the internet. It's not the same thing as a real hug, but it's a significant difference from being completely alone just like every other night.

Just one small change in your expectation can make a big difference in your experience. And the next time you check in, we can come up with another small change, so that your hope will snowball and become stronger.

I'm here if you ever want to talk.

[Clara22]

Hi ShyPoetGirl,
I am trying to remember the times when I was feeling alone in the way you feel right now. There is a time in life when having / not having a partner ( or boyfriend ) makes a huge difference. Later, as women, we learn how to love ourselves.
There are mixed things in your posts. On one hand, you are unhappy with your appearance and your personality, on the other hand you seem not have the support you need to make the changes you would like to make in order to like yourself better.
Maybe I am too old to understand you as you deserve, but this is what I see:
Once I saw a picture of yours and I am telling you the true: there is very good material there . I have faith you will be able to change the things you want to change. There is a lot of potential
About personality: you are very articulate and interesting. Self confidence will evolve and you will be able to display your richness
But I am more concerned about the lack of support you are getting from the outside world .
A young woman needs a lot of support to flourish nowadays. The world has become a difficult place to be in. It is hard for mature people and even harder for younger people who are still evolving. And for girls sometimes it is worse.
I wish I could offer some support but I am far away.
Hope you get the support you need to develop in the way you want.
I am sending you a big hug

[lima01]

You will be alright i'm sure , the more interested that you are in other things the more attractive you will be to others .Get into a-- passion pottery ,art, jewelry whatever you choose will draw people to you . They are not in your computer or in your room they are out there waiting to find your kind words and interests . Get a wing girl and go out there to different places . Someone will discover you . Get your chin up girl .

[vital]

- vital

[spring2014]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

i don't know how anyone can truly enjoy being alone. well, i can, because i'm naturally an introvert. but i mean the kind of alone where you have no one - friendless, and without love. that's the kind of alone i am right now. sometimes i feel like i can't stand it for another minute. yet i have so many things to fix about myself before i can ever expect somebody to like me, let alone love me.

taking care of myself is hard when i'm alone. it's easy for me to feel like there's no point, that nobody cares if i am taken care of or not, so why bother? i'm tired of shouldering this burden alone. sometimes i just need to be held.
why does nobody even want to hold me? i must be diseased.

tonight will be like all the other nights. i'll stay on the internet until i'm tired, then i'll go to bed - alone. i'll have to hug a pillow and pretend somebody's holding me so i can even fall asleep. then tomorrow i'll wake up - alone. i'll live another day by myself. trying to improve myself, but to no avail. trying to make myself pretty to attract somebody, then not even going out. then i'll sit in my room and cry about being alone. the same predictable pattern.

either way, i end up all alone.

((((((((((shypoetgirl))))))))))))),
I feel for you sweetie . I m alone in my room with no place to go cuz of no car. the only time when I get out of my house is when I have my appointment with my therapist, choir practice, my appointment with my psychiatrist and grocery shopping . I don't take the bus cuz im scared to take the bus cuz of weirdos on the bus . but still I have to take care of myself by doing my self- care list that my therapist taught me to do when im in between sessions w her . you can break out of that pattern anxiousgirl . you got to make it happen anxiousgirl .you can do it!!!!!







Diagnosis: Anxiety and depression
meds: Cymbalta 90mgs at night
Vistrail 2 25 mgs daily for anxiety prn
50 mgs at night for insomnia

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

i don't know how anyone can truly enjoy being alone. well, i can, because i'm naturally an introvert. but i mean the kind of alone where you have no one - friendless, and without love. that's the kind of alone i am right now. sometimes i feel like i can't stand it for another minute. yet i have so many things to fix about myself before i can ever expect somebody to like me, let alone love me.

taking care of myself is hard when i'm alone. it's easy for me to feel like there's no point, that nobody cares if i am taken care of or not, so why bother? i'm tired of shouldering this burden alone. sometimes i just need to be held.
why does nobody even want to hold me? i must be diseased.

tonight will be like all the other nights. i'll stay on the internet until i'm tired, then i'll go to bed - alone. i'll have to hug a pillow and pretend somebody's holding me so i can even fall asleep. then tomorrow i'll wake up - alone. i'll live another day by myself. trying to improve myself, but to no avail. trying to make myself pretty to attract somebody, then not even going out. then i'll sit in my room and cry about being alone. the same predictable pattern.

either way, i end up all alone.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. If we met, I think we would be good friends - one introvert to another. While I've not experienced some of the feelings you're having now, I know the fatigue of trying to manage alone and thinking that you must be diseased for someone not to want you. I promise to follow you on this forum, to cheer for you, to be your friend.

[Fuzzybear]

[avlady]

i also understand, i was very very lonely as a teenager. i had to actually put myself out there and do some looking for people like myself. i like introverts so it was even harder. i do come from a large family and i did have people around me but they were all younger than me. i ended up dating several guys and luckily one of them ended up marrying me and it's been 20 years to the day tomarrow. i'm 54, tried to kill myself because i was so lonely at 16, so don't go that far. good luck and feel free to post me anytime

[arabianhorselover]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

i don't know how anyone can truly enjoy being alone. well, i can, because i'm naturally an introvert. but i mean the kind of alone where you have no one - friendless, and without love. that's the kind of alone i am right now. sometimes i feel like i can't stand it for another minute. yet i have so many things to fix about myself before i can ever expect somebody to like me, let alone love me.

taking care of myself is hard when i'm alone. it's easy for me to feel like there's no point, that nobody cares if i am taken care of or not, so why bother? i'm tired of shouldering this burden alone. sometimes i just need to be held.
why does nobody even want to hold me? i must be diseased.

tonight will be like all the other nights. i'll stay on the internet until i'm tired, then i'll go to bed - alone. i'll have to hug a pillow and pretend somebody's holding me so i can even fall asleep. then tomorrow i'll wake up - alone. i'll live another day by myself. trying to improve myself, but to no avail. trying to make myself pretty to attract somebody, then not even going out. then i'll sit in my room and cry about being alone. the same predictable pattern.

either way, i end up all alone.

So sorry that you are feeling this way. I know what it is like to be that lonely, and I encourage you to do something, anything to get away from that feeling. It is dangerous to be that lonely. In my case I ended up marrying a man who was mentally ill because he wanted me, and I didn't think anyone else would. That was the beginning of a nightmare I thought I would never escape from.

Believe me when I say that no matter how you feeling right now, things can and do change.

thank you everyone. this really means a lot to me.

unfortunately, i still feel bad today. still very lonely. i haven't showered in two days, but managed to brush my teeth earlier. i do not think i will shower today. i do not want to look at my ugly nakedness, knowing it's part of the reason i am in this lonely mess i'm in. how i hate my body. i'm working on it, but it's like i can't work fast enough. frustration ensues.

my self-esteem is shot and i don't even know how to get it back up to a respectable level. well, it was never 'up' in the first place. i feel so damn unlovable. i know i should get out of my room and talk to people, but with the way i look and my social phobia, i'd pretty much be setting me up for a date with rejection. and i just can't take more pain.

nobody is going to love a girl like me - who's fat, ugly, mentally/emotionally disturbed, self-injures, is a vain calorie-counter who wallows in her hatred of her body, impulsive, spends too much money on cosmetics and clothes because she does not like herself at all and thus has to be constantly reinventing herself (though not lately, because i'm broke).

but if someone loved me!!! that would make me feel like i'm worthwhile. that would give me the little spark i need to start loving myself. because i cannot love myself if i'm not loved.

i found this article today that perfectly describes how i am feeling:

10 Heartbreaking Truths About Loneliness Single People Don't Say | YourTango

i relate with pretty much everything there, but especially with 1, 2, 3, 6, 8, and 9.

it's like something in me has snapped.

[arabianhorselover]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

thank you everyone. this really means a lot to me.

unfortunately, i still feel bad today. still very lonely. i haven't showered in two days, but managed to brush my teeth earlier. i do not think i will shower today. i do not want to look at my ugly nakedness, knowing it's part of the reason i am in this lonely mess i'm in. how i hate my body. i'm working on it, but it's like i can't work fast enough. frustration ensues.

my self-esteem is shot and i don't even know how to get it back up to a respectable level. well, it was never 'up' in the first place. i feel so damn unlovable. i know i should get out of my room and talk to people, but with the way i look and my social phobia, i'd pretty much be setting me up for a date with rejection. and i just can't take more pain.

nobody is going to love a girl like me - who's fat, ugly, mentally/emotionally disturbed, self-injures, is a vain calorie-counter who wallows in her hatred of her body, impulsive, spends too much money on cosmetics and clothes because she does not like herself at all and thus has to be constantly reinventing herself (though not lately, because i'm broke).

but if someone loved me!!! that would make me feel like i'm worthwhile. that would give me the little spark i need to start loving myself. because i cannot love myself if i'm not loved.

i found this article today that perfectly describes how i am feeling:

10 Heartbreaking Truths About Loneliness Single People Don't Say | YourTango

i relate with pretty much everything there, but especially with 1, 2, 3, 6, 8, and 9.

"but if someone loved me!!! that would make me feel like i'm worthwhile. that would give me the little spark i need to start loving myself. because i cannot love myself if i'm not loved."

Actually, being loved will probably not make you feel lovable. I have been truly loved for many years now, and it has not mace me love or even like myself. Those feelings have to come from within.

Originally Posted by arabianhorselover

"but if someone loved me!!! that would make me feel like i'm worthwhile. that would give me the little spark i need to start loving myself. because i cannot love myself if i'm not loved."

Actually, being loved will probably not make you feel lovable. I have been truly loved for many years now, and it has not mace me love or even like myself. Those feelings have to come from within.

i guess i'm screwed then lol. :')

i know that i will never love myself. i've tried. i can't.

but not being alone and unloved by others would lessen the pain.

[arabianhorselover]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

i guess i'm screwed then lol. :')

i know that i will never love myself. i've tried. i can't.

but not being alone and unloved by others would lessen the pain.

I'm not saying that being loved doesn't help, but nobody else can make you love yourself. Are you seeing a therapist?

Originally Posted by arabianhorselover

I'm not saying that being loved doesn't help, but nobody else can make you love yourself. Are you seeing a therapist?

no, but i've seen many in the past and none could help me.

i just cannot love myself.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

thank you everyone. this really means a lot to me.

unfortunately, i still feel bad today. still very lonely. i haven't showered in two days, but managed to brush my teeth earlier. i do not think i will shower today. i do not want to look at my ugly nakedness, knowing it's part of the reason i am in this lonely mess i'm in. how i hate my body. i'm working on it, but it's like i can't work fast enough. frustration ensues.

my self-esteem is shot and i don't even know how to get it back up to a respectable level. well, it was never 'up' in the first place. i feel so damn unlovable. i know i should get out of my room and talk to people, but with the way i look and my social phobia, i'd pretty much be setting me up for a date with rejection. and i just can't take more pain.

nobody is going to love a girl like me - who's fat, ugly, mentally/emotionally disturbed, self-injures, is a vain calorie-counter who wallows in her hatred of her body, impulsive, spends too much money on cosmetics and clothes because she does not like herself at all and thus has to be constantly reinventing herself (though not lately, because i'm broke).

but if someone loved me!!! that would make me feel like i'm worthwhile. that would give me the little spark i need to start loving myself. because i cannot love myself if i'm not loved.

i found this article today that perfectly describes how i am feeling:

10 Heartbreaking Truths About Loneliness Single People Don't Say | YourTango

i relate with pretty much everything there, but especially with 1, 2, 3, 6, 8, and 9.

I wanted to say that I relate to this almost word for word, just with a little less body-hatred and I spend all my spare money on food because I'm disgusting and have no self-control. But good god, the loneliness kills sometimes. For me there's an extra layer, a terror of intimacy that manifests as a reflexive rejection of other people, of immediately wanting to be left alone once someone offers to assuage my loneliness.

Same with feeling that another person could make you feel worthwhile. I'm not going to give you the "you have to love yourself first" line because to someone in a self-loathing mindset, loving oneself is impossible. So, I can only offer understanding and internet hugs.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

no, but i've seen many in the past and none could help me.

i just cannot love myself.

Please, allow me saying this:"at the present moment, I cannot love myself, that should be the expression." It is not necessary for us to decree a thing. You are a young person, you are entitled to hope.
I do not want to minimize your suffering at all, buy at certain extent, all young people go through a hard process to self-accept themselves. I imagine for you it is being too hard because of your background but there is hope.

From a boy in love with us, we do not get self-love, oh, no.
On the contrary, this is the sequence I saw in me and in others, as well:
We do not love ourselves. Somebody approaches us, they are in love with us. Either we refuse them immediately or accept them for a while but subconsciously sooner or later we will consider them despicable. Why? Because nobody really worthy would love us as we do not deserve to be loved, we suck.

Of course, you want to be loved, that is natural. But if you hate yourself, somebody in love with you will be of little help. This is my experience. I made hurt some people searching for love in my youth.

Learning how to love ourselves is a journey and that includes dating, etc. but dating or engaging in a romantic relationship does not improve things per se.

[arabianhorselover]

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

I wanted to say that I relate to this almost word for word, just with a little less body-hatred and I spend all my spare money on food because I'm disgusting and have no self-control. But good god, the loneliness kills sometimes. For me there's an extra layer, a terror of intimacy that manifests as a reflexive rejection of other people, of immediately wanting to be left alone once someone offers to assuage my loneliness.

Same with feeling that another person could make you feel worthwhile. I'm not going to give you the "you have to love yourself first" line because to someone in a self-loathing mindset, loving oneself is impossible. So, I can only offer understanding and internet hugs.

In my experience, you do NOT have to love yourself first in order to be loved. I don't ever remember loving myself, and yet I am loved by many.

[arabianhorselover]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

no, but i've seen many in the past and none could help me.

i just cannot love myself.

"Won't" love yourself, perhaps?

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by arabianhorselover

In my experience, you do NOT have to love yourself first in order to be loved. I don't ever remember loving myself, and yet I am loved by many.

You are right but being loved does not translate into loving ourselves automatically, I think

[arabianhorselover]

Originally Posted by Clara22

You are right but being loved does not translate into loving ourselves automatically, I think

It doesn't, but I sure wish it did!

[Clara22]

In any event, I want to send a hug to ShyPoetGirl, I am sending good vibes your way

Originally Posted by Clara22

In any event, I want to send a hug to ShyPoetGirl, I am sending good vibes your way

thank you. that means a lot to me.

[StartingFreshNow]

I find this an interesting thing to think about. I'm not known for loving myself yet I don't (currently) hate myself either.

My situation is that I was married for almost 9 years and as soon as that ended I immediately started dating someone (that was 7 months ago) so I haven't been "alone" in over 10 years. I'm not in love with the man I'm dating but we care about each other.

That being said, I agree, it's easier to love yourself or at least care more positively for yourself when there is someone else there giving you that kind of positive feedback. It's just a reassuring thing. I'm pretty certain that if/when this relationship ends it's going to spiral me down very fast. I am afraid I'll go into a very dark place and I have a feeling at that point I will possibly hate myself, but if I'm lucky I'll just dislike myself.

How do I pull myself up when I don't have someone else to show me my good side or at least validate that I have positive attributes? When I am in a dark hole full of despair and sadness how am I supposed to be able to dig up things to love about myself? It's hard enough to survive the days, how am I supposed to find a way to love myself?

So no, I don't think someone else loving you equates to you loving yourself but I totally get what you're saying and I just hope you know that you're not alone and you are cared about - at least by many people on this site