Falling apart

I just need to get this all out in a place where people won't judge me but who actually understand and won't just say, "it'll pass" or,"just think positively" or even worse, "think about others who have it worse than you." I know others have it worse than I do. That doesn't take away my severe depression and my constant desire to want to end it all. I don't want to feel this way. I hate feeling this way. I take my meds and see pdoc to try new meds. I see my T and she knows how awful I feel. I try to get out of this funk and nothing is helping. I fall deeper and deeper as life keeps throwing s**t at me. Serious, life altering crap like losing my house, deaths, hospitalizations of family and friends, loss of pets and more. I can barely get out of bed and get to work. In fact, I've taken many days off lately. When I'm not working all I do is stay in bed. My house is a mess, I don't eat and have no food in the house, I can't do simple errands. All I do is cry and breakdown whenever anyone asks how things are going. I don't know what to do. I really don't think I can keep on going like this. How does anyone get through this when it seems like therapy and meds aren't working?

With me - when I can't get myself to do anything physical I either do relaxation techniques, or redirect my thinking.

Hi Suraya,

I sure know that feeling of falling apart. Why is this happening to you? Why is every part of your life falling apart at the same time? For me, it was actually finally understanding what specifically was going on and why that was a huge breakthrough. See if this explains what's happening to you:

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB/BA.pdf

Here's what I think is the best overall plan, too, including checking for medical and nutritional issues:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

I can't say... you just do your best and hang on in hope that a way opens up. That in itself is a victory. Try to keep in mind that very few people actually do know what to say in this situation. Most times they are doing the best they can and they mean well. I've been through similar and yet I don't know what to say that would really help. I wish I did

The people who say those things have probably never been depressed a day in their life.. I'm happy for them, tho they just don't have an understanding of how depression makes you feel. I wish I could offer you a way to make things better, I'd try it myself! Tho just know that your not alone and sometimes that can help more than anything anyone would/could/should have said.

I do know when I'm at my worst, journaling seems to help some, I just free write whatever is in my head. It doesn't matter if it's a full sentence or a small drawing or just a word, I just let it flow.

I've also found some talks on the web that have helped me to see things a little different at times.. Check out TED talks, I have an app on my iPad, I'm pretty sure you can access them from the web also.

Hope this helps some.

Thanks to everyone who's responded. I keep thinking things can't get worse and they do. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. It sucks for all of us. It's not fair to have to live life like this. I don't think I can keep doing it.

You are stronger than you believe - we all are. The question really is - do you want to be as strong as you can be? It's when that answer turns to "no" the danger becomes real - but deep down the majority of us say "yes" even when our mouths say "no". So really think about that before you answer- because the thing is, once you say "yes" - you commit yourself to a journey that is full of struggle n hardships n pain, but one that is very much able to be overcome or at tge very least improved upon. So I ask you now - do you want to be as strong as you can be?

If that answer is yes:

Sit down, figure out a daily routine that you can do that isn't asking a whole lot of extra exertion from you at the moment and that would provide you with both activity, enjoyment, n relaxation time.

Do a bit of research online and find out what foods you may be eating that would allow your depression to grow stronger n replace them with some tgat would help fight the depression but that you would also enjoy eating.

Figure out at least 3 things you enjoy doing that you can do from time to time during your relaxation time or when you start to become depressed.

Figure out at least 3 relaxation techniques that you would not mind using either when you find it hard to rest or when you are getting depressed.

Get a piece of paper and write "You are a good person." then list 10 things that you think are good about you - doesn't matter what they are: appearance, personality, etc - and then write "I love you!" hang that paper on a mirror just to the side at eye level and recite it outloud to yourself at least 3 times a day for a week (plus any other time you find yourself thinking you are a bad person) then 2 times a day for a week (plus any other time you find yourself thinking you are a bad person) and then 1 time a day for a week (plus any other time you find yourself thinking you are a bad person) and then from there just anytime you feel you need to until you don't feel the need anymore or very rarely.

Make sure to go to sleep no later than 11pm n get 6-8hrs of sleep.

Constantly tell yourself "I can do this - I am strong."

Believe in yourself!

You can also have your doctor check your vitamin D level n you thyroid - those things can cause depression as well

Those are great ideas - much of what T says too. I've just reached such a dark place I can't do the simplest thing. Plus, my anxiety is crippling and suffocating. Yesterday T almost hospitalized me but I promised I wouldn't do anything to myself. I don't know if I can keep that promise all week. I want to call her today for support, but I don't want her to bring it up again.

Yes, it sucks. I've been down in dark holes.

Call your T if you need to. It's what she is there for.

I did two weeks in hospital. It actually made a nice vacation from life problems for a bit. It is scary, but sometimes it is the help that is needed.

T and P-doc asked me if I needed hospital recently. I was close.

Don't have an answer for you, just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this.

Do call your T if you feel the need arises, talking things through when they are so dark is always the first option. You also have everyone here listening.

It seems that the one constant that takes you out of yourself is your work. I assume you have to make a supreme effort to attend and complete the day's tasks? Look on that as a positive distraction for a few hours, you are out of bed, interacting and functioning even though the Depression and issues are there below the surface. Extend that energy and utilise it when you get home, try following some of the ideas that have been put forward.

Dealing with Depression is not easy, I have battled with it as a Personality Disorder all my life. It is not a case of snapping out of it, cheering up or letting things go, setbacks hit the Depressed harder and longer than they do Normies. You are going through a tumultuous time at the moment and you need to find a small harbour in which to shelter.

Dave.

Hospital isn't as bad as it is made out to be. It just sounds scary - and most times even though the therapists bring it up it is the last thing they want to do, they only do it when they feel they have no other option and are deeply concerned about you. So if there is something you need to talk to your T about - please don't let fear or apprehension stop you. Therapy is only as good as your trust level is - so if you don't allow your therapist "in" and trust him or her - then therapy can do no good. It's all up to you... What do you want for you?

I'm scared to death of going to the hospital. I've had to bring my teenage daughter there a couple if times when she threatened suicide and it seemed like such a cold, sterile place. How do they really help you? What do they actually do? My T wanted me to go and my friend is pressuring to have me sent.

Honestly - here at least, there are several diiferent areas where patients are zoned according to what needs they have. Each area has its own day room, nurse's station and patient rooms. In all areas (except the intensive care where patients have to be in the nurses sight at all times) patients are allowed to freely come and go out of their rooms from 6am-10pm. The day area has a tv, several chairs, generally has a few games or puzzles and sometimes pictures to color. You see a psychiatrist once a day and he or she adjusts and monitors your medication as needed. You can see a counselor if you ask to. There is group sessions assigned anywhere from 1-3 times a day as your doctor sees fit for you. There are activity groups that you can opt to participate in or not. They feed you 3 times a day - breakfast is in the area, other two meals in the cafeteria. A shower is mandatory everyday or it is noted you did not take it and reported to your psychiatrist. All your behaviors are closely monitored by the nurses and if you have any problems you can talk to them at any time. Sometimes the doctor puts medication to use "as needed" for you so they can use it to help you if you need something extra for pain or anxiety or etc. If it is something they think they need doctor approval for, they will contact the doctor. You get the care you need as quickly as you can and you do not have the stress of the everyday world (ie no bills to worry about while you are there no nagging etc) and you are closely monitored in case anything does happen to go wrong since they are messing with your medication. They also closely monitor your vitals n sometimes order other tests like EKG or etc depending on your medication.

The worst part of the whole ordeal is admission.

Honestly - I have come to view it as "a vacation from reality" - because you truly have no worries while you are there- sometimes because of the medication they give you, sometimes just because of the removal of being around your stressors and sometimes both - whatever the case, for me - that's what it amounts to "a temporary vacation from reality" - and it refreshes me so i can feel a bit revitalized by the time i get out

I would have too many worries of all the things not getting done in my life. I just can't do it. I have to find a way to function. Why does it seem depression always wins?

It doesn't always win - I go through my ups and downs, but I'm still here, so it's not won this war - nor has it won yours!

Suraya - I have had some recent success at battling my Depression and Anxiety. The biggest reason I think is that I made an unplanned change to my routine. Frankly it wasn't planned but it worked all the same.

I think that is all that it took to trigger some happiness and an improved sense of help. At the same time I was able to win out against anxiety. With babysteps made I was able to take on a few other situations my depression and anxiety would never have normally allowed. Those simple acts made me feel things were more hopeful and I was worthwhile.

I understand. Being removed from my life for mental or physical reasons is one of my biggest fears, too many things would fall apart were I not here.

Sometimes we do just have to fight on and find a way to function, with me it is acceptance of a life-long Depressive Disorder and Mirtazapine. The meds do little, but I am worse without them, Therapy is not an option, my last two betrayed my trust and I now have no faith in any of them for myself.

I do hope you can draw the strength you need from within with whatever support you can garner from without.

Dave.