Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

Doing alright, aside from some sad and self-hating thoughts which I'm mostly ignoring by strength of will.

If I could, I would sit on a completely comfortable chair forever. And never have to get up or move for any reason, just sit there until I pass away. I'd feel safer.

I had a pretty good day considering that I'm alone during the holidays. I got together with my friend for a good portion of the day. We had a nice lunch and talked quite a bit.

I hope that I will not feel bad tonight and tomorrow. To me Christmas Eve & Christmas just means a day off.

I'm struggling to get out of this funk that I am in. Thank Goodness that the holidays are almost over. I've been binge-watching funny TV shows to try to get myself out of it, but it is only sort of working. I did force myself to get out of the house and meet up with friends the last two days, and it helped.

The noise coming from downstairs is so frantic and repetitive. I was hoping he wouldn't be here today. My stomach will be too sick to eat if he doesn't go anywhere today. It isn't fair that he gets to do this to me. When either the landlord or the janitor are around he doesn't dare make it so loud. He knows the difference between right from wrong but when it's just me, he doesn't care. Then he tells everyone I have to do business with lies about me (the UPS guy, the peapod delivery guys). Another holiday he has ruined for me. I guess I can call the landlord again. The pos has ruined thousands of my days since I've lived here.

I had a wonderful day on top of a mountain playing in the snow, having lunch with the view of the city and snow covered trees playing peek a boo with the fog, and opening gifts from my friend. We were kissing, and nuzzling, and looking in to each others eyes. He brought me a sack of silly gifts and an Eternity necklace. Then I went home, and the next day had a Christmas Eve dinner with my ex and my family. My friend went home and had a day with his son remembering his wife who died a year ago. Life is strange, I think I got used to trying to make sure I could understand it so I could control it hurting me and then I got hurt anyway.

I'm sorry to hear about that. I feel like I'm experiencing the same thing. I live above a couple that makes noise at inappropriate times. The guy always has to yell. He can't just talk softly. There had been times at night that he would be talking very loud. They are in the bedroom below me.

What's worse is that, every weekend, they get up very early (around 6AM) and the yelling begins. And then they open up the sliding patio window/door and start tinkering in the patio. And that's just under me. And sometimes he would be fixing his car. The parking lot is right outside of my window. He makes a lot of noise; and cusses real loud. On top of that, he is not supposed to be doing car repairs at the parking lot. And the guy is a real jerk, too. He can't get along with anybody. I don't know why his wife puts up with him.

In 16 years that I have lived where I am, I have never had a real good downstairs neighbor - the whole time! Because of them and many other reasons with things going on at my place, I am considering leaving. At least you have a landlord that you can report to. I don't have that because there are no managers on site. The units are individually owned.

Thank you for writing. I am hoping to move, too. I hope you'll find a good, quiet place if you move.

Trying to get through he day. Not the easiest thing to do. Christmas is the reminder of how no one cares. I send out cards, ecards and more. But that only serves to prove how insignificant I am when no one responds. I know it's not their fault. It's a reflection of who I am. Not of who they are

I'm feeling bad this morning, physically. I'm dizzy and sick at my stomach. My mood isn't too bad but isn't great. Still a little depressed.

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Spent Christmas alone and worrying on and off about silly abstractions. Not too bad though. Each bout of existential fear seems to make me stronger for the next one, able to withstand more.

I'm still frustrated with how stagnant my life feels (though I can see improvements, tiny ones), still worried about money and work, still lonely and full of regrets, but I'm getting by.

Christmas by myself was not that bad. Hope everybody is doing fine.

Last night I got a message from my friend suggesting that we could go to breakfast for this morning. Normally I don't like to go out for breakfast because I want to eat as soon as I get up. Lots of times he would suggest having breakfast in the area where he lives; and it's pretty far away. On top of the fairly long drive, we'd have to go further away to a place and wait. But this morning we met for breakfast close to where I am. The place was alright. Pretty pricey and lots of rich breakfast items that I was not interested in. But I ended up having a couple of pancakes.

After breakfast, I thought that we could go to my place. But he wanted to go to the stores after eating. I was disappointed about that. I did tell him that Saturday is the day I do housecleaning. So he felt like he didn't want to get in the way for me to clean. Also, he would probably not get the best attention from me. But it all worked out OK. We talked for a bit before he went shopping.

Other than that, it was a typical Saturday for me. It's been nice having two days off before today. But I feel let down now that Christmas is over, even though it does not mean much to me. Went shopping and other things. But there's nothing much to look forward to for tonight. It will be back to work on Monday, but at least it will be a four-day work week.

Deflated, but better.

Saw my mom on someone else's face book photograph. She was really plump and smiling like she was having a wonderful time. She phoned with my Dad because they thought I might be alone after my divorce to someone a lot like her. She acted really strange when I said I would visit them in the summer. I always wished she would welcome me in to her life but she always seemed really eager for me to leave home. Oh well, life goes on. I used to be angry and try and force my way in to her affection. I used to try and figure out how I could bend myself in to an acceptable shape to reach her heart. I don't do that anymore, it involves too many strange positions.

i feel horrible; when will this feeling end ?

doing ok. still stinging from talking to my mom yesterday. feeling ill, like i can't trust myself and my decisions. tired. trying to do enough to get by but not much more

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Hello everyone. Hope that you all had a lovely Christmas.

i feel so horrible about myself. how can i ever show my ugly face to anyone? i don't even want to see my parents right now. they're in the living room watching a movie and i'm in here in my room with both doors closed.

i don't want to eat. my body repulses me. my face disgusts me. why did i think that loosening the reins for Xmas was a good idea? i'm hideous. i'm ugly. ugly girls don't matter in this world.

now i can't even enjoy my xmas gifts. why do i have to be pretty anyway? who decided girls must be pretty or else? i hate them.

i'm worthless because i'm not attractive to men. i'm going to die alone.

that is all.

I still have no energy or motivation but I think my depression might be a little better. Maybe the new med is working.

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Everywhere I look and everything anyone does seems bittersweet at best. Maybe there is such a thing as being too pessimistic (at least in my case). Also, I seem to be getting used to my mental loneliness just fine: Now I'm just expecting it to continue, even after about a decade.

Today was a fairly good day. Went to church this morning and talked briefly to my friend. He had a friend to have lunch with after church. That was OK with me. I had stuff to do.

Went on a pretty long bike ride today. It went well. But nothing much else between the church and the bike riding. Back to work tomorrow after being off for four days. Well, at least I'll have next Friday off.

doing ok. succeeded in keeping ocd in check yesterday which is a big deal for me. brain is finally settling down. going out in my pj pants because it's just not worth it to make an effort anymore. people see what they want to see. feels good to be lazy and unwashed even though i know it shouldn't

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Is it normal to feel more depressed after exercising? I tried to work out this morning and went from feeling fine to wanting to just go back to bed and maybe cry. For no reason. Isn't exercise supposed to make you feel better, not worse?

I'm feeling like I can't be much help to anyone here. Shy, if you read this, I care. That's about all I can say.
I've said everything else I can think of.

I'm going to try to go off my antidepressants now. I'm in a better place emotionally. I know though that it doesn't mean I'll be okay when I stop. But I don't want to be this numb. All emotions are dulled. Even my body feels numb. It's an older tricyclic so it really isn't good for my heart of diabetes anyways. Sometimes my heart takes an extra hard beat and I feel my bed shake. Time to try to be healthier before it's too late. Take care all.