Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

disparaissant: i would say "please don't leave", but that would be beyond selfish of me, because at the end of the day it is your choice, and if you want to leave you deserve to do so without guilt. i will say that you've been a very helpful and supportive member of PC and i wish you the best in life.

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as for me, i'm having a terrible morning. found out i only lost a pound. i feel like all the times i went hungry this week were for nothing, because i feel that i should have lost 2 or 3 lbs. maybe even 4. but not 1.

however, i was going to eat a hearty breakfast anyway - until my mom pissed me off. she thinks i don't feel as bad as i do. i'm deeply hurt and offended that she doesn't believe me. all the time it has to be about how sick she is, nobody's allowed to take that spotlight away from her of 'sickest person here'. it's like her identity.

i told her i am tired of being her 'rock' and that it is exhausting. maybe something i shouldn't have said in hindsight, but at the time i felt justified. because it's true. it is exhausting, and i'm tired of not getting the same support in return.

now i've resolved not to eat anything today, no breakfast, lunch, or dinner. i will be empty, pure and strong.

i will miss you if you go disparrisant. but i wish you the best if you do. and if that is what is right for you you need to do what you need. you have helped me many times on here and i thank you for that

doing ok today. couldn't sleep last night. started a diary. went through some stuff this morning that helped me to clear my head. feel like a fresh start for myself. i don't want to go into more detail because that would be getting into the ocd side of things for me. but it felt refreshing to put stuff in the food pantry bin at daughter's preschool at the church because i am closing that door on that part of my life now. i am taking a step back. refreshing myself. starting again.
feels like i do this about once a year though. i really hope this time i settle down for good.

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why is all this **** about couples suddenly being thrown in my face? worst time. i know i'm going to be alone forever. please just stop it hurts please

I know the feeling. I really just think isolation is my best option. I'm really not fit for human companionship. It's time I give up.

Really, I've been a mental and emotional mess today and I hate myself for it. Sometimes I wish it would all just end so I can stop wasting my time.

'

I feel like I don't belong in this world... like I was supposed to be aborted.

I wish I could give up. But love is really the only thing I want in life. I feel like I'll never have it though. Quite frankly, if I'm going to live a life without love then I just want to die now instead of enduring the long and lonely future that awaits me.

I know that feeling very well. Someone once told me that when he was single after a divorce, he noticed that out there were all just couples - hand and hand in love. When he had someone after the divorce, then he didn't notice it that much. With me, there had been occasions when I would go to the pool area at where I live, that I would have the hot tub just by myself. And then just out of the blue, a young couple would come in. Or other times there would be a couple already in there. Most times when I go to the pool area, I am alone, but if not alone, then it's a couple. That's all it is! Which is one good reason why I want to move out of where I live.

I feel destined to be alone for the rest of my life, too. I never got married, though I came close a couple of times. It's been a very long time since there was something exciting happening. I'm sorry if I'm not encouraging; but on the other hand, at my age, I feel like I don't care about not having love in my life anymore. Though having a good friend would help.

My excessive daydreaming stopped today. It was one of the only things that stayed the same while everything in reality kept changing. It was therapy for me: It helped with depression, boredom, loneliness, self discovery, and revealing more hidden issues for me. I've done so much in that world compared to the 9+ years in reality that the daydreaming went through. I know it's for the best if I want to function in the real world, but I miss my world so much.

I'm 19 so people like to tell me I have time... I say ********. If I haven't even been kissed by now (which I haven't) then it's unlikely I'll ever be in a relationship. Obviously nobody likes me. I wish I didn't care, but I would rather die than continue to feel this loneliness.

I've thought about these things so often too... I think I was actually supposed to go through with suicide when I was 13 -- I don't think I'm supposed to be here now. And all too often I think I'd rather just end it now and save myself all the pain of loneliness in the future. But that feels like such a waste of a life! I keep telling myself I just have to push through it and enjoy whatever I can but... it's really hard sometimes.

Ennui. I didn't go on a date until I was at college. Being kissed? That didn't happen until my mid-twenties. I'm on my own now (at 31) but I'm okay with that. Sometimes it takes a while for love to happen.

I'm not okay with waiting though. In my opinion, I feel that I have waited long enough. I can't take being alone and unloved, and if it doesn't happen soon I know I will kill myself. I'm beyond caring how it will hurt others, I am hurting too and no one cares.

Well I think some people do care, whether or not you choose to see it or believe it. I get being through with waiting though... I truly hope you can find someone soon and feel better about yourself and your situation.

I feel like I am in kindergarten a lot of the time when it comes to learning how to feel, how to interact. Like a kid who never got it, but is starting to a little. It feels a bit scary to be starting at such a level but it is my reality. I like having all of you as my friends as I take these steps.

i hope everyone feels better soon!!!

You all have helped me too, thank you <3
I was concerned about my health but now I know I can get better. I'm doing my best from now on. I don't want to leave the forums.

This is good news!

i know my ocd stuff is a distraction from my depression so i don't know if i want to give into my obsessions because it is too much effort to break the new habits, or just give into being depressed because the new habits take too much energy. and if this obsession ends what will replace it? if i stop chopping all my hair off what will i do instead? what will i do to amuse myself? lol. after cleansing the bathroom of all scissors and shaving products i found myself looking at a free manicure kit somewhere in the closet thinking, well, these scissors would work. maybe i should just give into it. feels too hard to change. and if my hair gets long again what then i will probably not like it then either. it's like a vicious cycle of chasing my tail. been doing a lot of arts and crafts with the kids there is glitter all over my house love it. and yesterday brushed both the cat and dog and gave them some tlc. anything to get my brain off itself.
disparaissant very glad to hear you'll be around here

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I'm feeling a bit sick today. My stomach is upset. The depression is not bad.

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Fairly busy at work today. This week went by so fast and there was only four days. Back to five days next week.

I had previous stated that I was interested in selling my place and moving elsewhere. The RE Agent will be here at home with me tomorrow. I have so many thought about this. I'm not sure if I really want to go through with it. But I know that I don't like the place I live at. We'll see what happens when we meet.

Having anxiety thinking about the meeting tomorrow and in the future if (or when) I will have a health issue; and how can that be handled. Feeling all alone in this.

I think i'm officially back into depression...
It's so difficult to be back in the pit. I wish my "experience" will make it last quicker... But really right now i just see what's dark and i don't know who i am, or where i'm going, and i have trouble seeing WHY i am here, and WHY i should live when i just feel such pain.

i feel good right now, i think it's the tramadol but i'll take it. especially since i know it won't last.

I'm in a very bad place....my sister is in the hospital again for a suicide attempt....This is the fourth hospitalization in one month.

After being sober for 20 years, she is using meth and drinking again. I live w/her and her partner, and I've been trying to help but I feel useless, helpless, so so depressed. Her partner is a long haul trucker, so is away for much of the simmering anger and hatred spewed at me.

When my sister is on meth, she is violent and angry; her first 3 hospitalizations were for death threats against her partner and I, and smashing up the house with a pickaxe. When she is sober, she is a loving person. She struggles with depression but it is worsened by drug use and drinking. I am scared, and I feel like my whole life is crumbling around me. I worry about where I can go, what to do w/my pets...

I just want to lie down, pull the covers around me, and sleep for years. But I have to deal with this. Am going to call Nami line tonight, try to get some support groups. I feel really heartbroken, defeated and tired.

Just wanted to add, I'm grateful for the forums, here. I appreciate being able to talk about the tough things, mental health where i can read about others struggles and successes. I cannot talk about these things with most people in my life, and I don't want to burnout those that I can. The anonymity here is freeing. Even if I am not involved in the exchanges, I've learned so many helpful things in these forums, not the least that people can be kind and compassionate to others.

I will rally and do what I need to do. It was just helpful to express my fears out loud. Thank you

First, the kitty in Bolivar's avatar is too cute. :3

Second... I don't know what I'm doing with myself. Everything feels pointless. They say to achieve something to bring up your self-esteem, but I'm not sure I could ever do enough. I'm bored, lonely (and occasionally beat myself up for that too), my life is going nowhere and I fear it never will.

Its also occurred to me I have a lot of resentment towards my mom for babying me so much my entire life, to the extent of taking pains to keep me in a childish mindset or even mildly punishing me for trying to do things myself. Can I use this as proper justification for wanting her completely out of my life and getting angry at useless phone calls and emails?

it is interesting feeling to just give in to the depression. the acceptance. to stop thinking so much. let myself fall. it is what it is.
hubby wants to go to walmarts in the snow. i am crazy enough to want to go too. as long as he's driving. was planning to buy scissors but i think i talked myself out of it. maybe a couple things of yarn to knit more hats. hats are my new addiction i will have a closet full of little beanies to put over my head until i can wear scrunchies again.

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