Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

society just loves to condemn sensitive people. we apparently don't belong on the internet. we don't deserve to have a safe place to be ourselves, but all the cruel people get free reign and are never called out. they act as if it is a choice to be sensitive, but it is not always a choice. some of us are just made that way and there's not really anything we can do about it. i am sick of people telling us to "toughen up" and "grow a thicker skin" as if it were that easy. i equate it to telling a depressed person to "just think positive" or someone with anorexia to "just eat". it's always been cool to be cruel, and those of us who are sensitive and kind will be steamrolled over and made into carpets for these people to walk on. so why shouldn't i die? i don't belong on the internet, nor do i belong in the 'real world'. there is just no place for me out there, except for in a casket 6 feet under.

Self-hate has been easy today. I didn't even realize I was doing it from the moment I woke up. I didn't go to class or finish our first short essay (it's only worth ten percent of our grade), but I told myself that I did to feel okay about it. If I acknowledged my lack of responsibility, I knew I'd just ruminate on it too much and use it as ammunition against myself. It's been hard to care about school, even though I got all the way to my senior year. And even though I'm gonna owe a ton in loans either way, I just don't feel like finishing college. I know I can, and I still believe I will, but I don't want to do the work to make it all happen. It feels like this chapter of my life has already ended, but I continue rereading the paragraphs that could've been written better. It feels like vestigial time.

When I got home, I was confused about how I felt. All the self-hate caught up to me when I thought I should feel happy and relaxed. So I lay in bed for about an hour-and-a-half, just thinking and feeling a mixture of anger and disgust. Even though I know it's a consequence my parents' emotional neglect and physical abuse, I despise myself for feeling apathy toward the people I love. I feel disgusted when I desire their acceptance, or the acceptance of anyone who could make me feel valid with their love. I hate myself when I crush down that very human desire for care and reassurance. I hate thinking about all of these things around people who aren't my parents-- it reminds me of every situation where I've allowed my vulnerabilities to show and people did hurtful stuff in response, both small and big.

I cried three or four tears and got out of bed, and then I typed this.

Struggling a bit tonight. After discharging myself from hospital yesterday tne fact that nothing has changed or improved has caught up with me. My friend asked me to stay at his, I guess to keep me safe. That really is the reason I'm currently not doing anything to harm myself

I have been there , discharging from the hospital I felt a form of freedom and relief but then when you get home and your situation hasn't changed it can be discouraging . It does gets better though . I never thought I could get past what I did ...but I did . Set backs do happen but you will get past those as well. When I got home I focused on the little pleasures of life ..like taking a hot bath and watching tv...
Maybe you can focus on the little things that make you feel good and not try to fix the big picture all at once.

I have nothing going on today. I went to my classes; felt like I have achieved nothing. Life is a constant struggle of pushing myself from activity to to activity with no hope in sight. Sometimes I keep asking myself "Why". I never know when I will talk to someone next; except once a week with my T. Life is to repetitive and I am sick of it. I don't know how people enjoy life. I am too young to feel this way.

Woke up a bit earlier than usual today feeling okay and having positive thoughts , then my thoughts slowly started to creep to all the bad things that are going on in my life right now and morning anxiety started to kick in so here I am trying to distract myself .

I've often felt this way. I'm so sorry you're struggling so much right now. I think this problem is getting increasingly worse in American society, despite the bizarre efforts on the opposite extreme to be so "PC" as to ignore evils and embrace "everyone" at the expense of victims. (And don't get me started on victim-blaming. This has reached truly insane proportions, to the point where if someone is harmed deliberately and unjustly by someone, it is actually taboo to call them a victim...since that would connote something negative about the person who was harmed! Nuts...)

I don't feel like I belong anywhere, either, but remember that there's a great wide world out there, not just the particular community immediately surrounding you. Nor are the idiots you might encounter online or in the media truly representative of the entire populace of their country, much less the whole world. Remember that the evil and vulgar always seem to be the loudest and most aggressive about "being heard." I'm going to be able to move soon, and I'm trying to find a culture that's more conducive to my temperament (keeping in mind, of course, that no place is perfect). I don't know if this is an option for you, but if it is, I'd say do some research on move on to greener pastures. And they are out there. I don't care who says what about every place being the same because you'll still be looking out at it from your own lenses - Corvallis is not New York is not Saudi Arabia is not China... You get the idea. Culture and environment make a big difference in our lives; I, for one, know I'm very sensitive to them. So I'm trying to be reasonable in making the most of my life with what I've been given (and I believe sensitivity is a gift, not a flaw to be corrected), in a place more comfortable for me. There are more comfortable places online, too (though fewer, since it naturally relaxes inhibitions and brings out the worst in people), but I think they're harder to find.

thought i was doing okay. today i feel really down again. saw my pdoc and picked up daughter, couple of errands with the 2yo. idk i just felt like this is it. one day hubby will leave me because i'm not good enough and why should he stay married to me and support me when i am such a mess and don't even do a good job at wife and mother. dinner is hot dogs with no hot dog buns. mess from the kids is on the floor because i am too tired to pick it up. i procrastinate on the kindergarten registration, the tax return. i just feel no good. my daughter tells me she doesn't like my hair i should cut more of it off. i just cut it again monday and it looks like crap. i need a thicker skin. i need a friend. i need to be a better role model for my daughter who is starting to understand more and more. i don't want her to be ashamed of me when i pick her up at big girl school. i know this is self-generated negativity but these are my fears. this is my anxiety. and there isn't really a reason why it wouldn't happen. i do not feel strong enough to stop it. it's like a downward spiral.

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I'm stricken with brain fog at the moment. Actually, it's been pretty persistent for ~1 1/2 weeks. I think I may not be trying hard enough to concentrate on school work. I think I could do more to get out of this funk. I've been procrastinating, avoiding it because I so don't feel like applying myself. Dragging exhaustion has been weighing me down for about a week, too, but the increased exercise has actually helped.

I'm also thinking of starting a blog, or maybe something like a livejournal to track my progress and my thoughts. I know that certain ways of thinking help and others hinder. So I'm going to make myself keep an honest log, hopefully in a public place. I don't know why exactly, but I have benefited enormously from keeping connected to others over the last few months. I always seem to spiral when I isolate, and sooner rather than later. I don't want to set myself up for disaster again. Hopefully, this time, though, I can find the right others. I know nobody's perfect, but I need a certain basic degree of decency and sanity, and I realized (or acknowledged) late that that wasn't the case with most of the people I was leaning on. They were also feeding a lot of really bad and counterproductive ways of thinking that disposed me to languish instead of pull myself up.

I'm slowly learning to acknowledge to myself, and live around the fact that, abuse and trauma have made me extremely reactive. Also, the fact that I don't have a solid anchor in a like-minded community. I've always been very sensitive and affective, so this is a huge gaping hole in my life. Which sounds rather dramatic, but I don't actually feel particularly dramatic at the moment. It's just that this absence and lack of anchoring disposes me to constantly readjust myself and my positions in order to fit anyone who is passingly nice or any group which seems like a refuge. But I'm kidding myself every time: my convictions and genuine beliefs are way, WAY too strong to ever allow me to stay in disguise. I need to learn how to be myself, wisely (without looking for fights everywhere as I did in my teens) but uncompromisingly. The trouble there is that I don't feel safe in doing so. And I do mean physically; traumas and hideous threats and all kinds of verbal and physical abuse from childhood to early (and highly impressionable!) adulthood, at times when I was extremely vulnerable psychologically, have created a real whirlpool of fear around this. Around being myself. But I don't know how I'll ever find like-minded people if I'm too afraid to be myself, to own my own beliefs.

I think that's what I need to work. And "staying sane," as I've come to call it: this grounded, honest balance in which I can calmly own who (all) I really am, my own responsibility for my life (without taking responsibility for what is not my responsibility), and move forward hopefully but soberly. I'm trying not to veer off to extremes again...no, I'm trying to stay on course. It's so hard keeping sane when you're surrounded by seemingly every variety of madness, but it seems that that's part of the cross we have to bear in these strange times. With God's good grace, I'm going to do my part and rely on the strength I need to do it, trusting that I'll get that in the proportion I need to do what I'm supposed to do. And that I'll never have to do something for which I truly don't have the strength. I also want to be recognizably sane, so that no one out there who's in my boat will think I'm one of the crazies. I've often thought of that, and I wonder if that's not part of what's kept me lost so long. Reacting doesn't bring out the best in me. I'm going to try to stay myself so that I don't end up reflecting the kind I avoid and get mistaken for one of them by the ones I'd actually like to get to know. I believe this is what I'm meant to do, and I can only hope and pray that eventually it brings me to someplace I belong. But even if it doesn't, this is certainly something worth the effort, even if only because it genuinely allows me to be true to myself and be the person who I really am, who I was made to be.

Weird today. Flipping between intrusive thoughts and exuberant motivation. I've been randomly depressed for the last couple of hours, wanting to cry but can't. I'll see if I can remedy that. I'm just sad and scared for no real reason.

[QUOTE=Smileonmyface;4902665]thought i was doing okay. today i feel really down again. saw my pdoc and picked up daughter, couple of errands with the 2yo. idk i just felt like this is it. one day hubby will leave me because i'm not good enough and why should he stay married to me and support me when i am such a mess and don't even do a good job at wife and mother. dinner is hot dogs with no hot dog buns. mess from the kids is on the floor because i am too tired to pick it up. i procrastinate on the kindergarten registration, the tax return. i just feel no good. my daughter tells me she doesn't like my hair i should cut more of it off. i just cut it again monday and it looks like crap. i need a thicker skin. i need a friend. i need to be a better role model for my daughter who is starting to understand more and more. i don't want her to be ashamed of me when i pick her up at big girl school. i know this is self-generated negativity but these are my fears. this is my anxiety. and there isn't really a reason why it wouldn't happen. i do not feel strong enough to stop it. it's like a downward spiral.
/quote

That's a lot going on, having 2 kids so young. Mine were more than 8 years in age apart, so I can't imagine. I hope you can try to give yourself a break with those negative thoughts. I'm just trying to sympathize, I never was in such a place like that but I definitely had severe depression where I felt like giving up and things were going downhill.. I wish you strength to keep going. Thinking of you.

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I'm in an okay place. Had lots of dental work 3 days ago and I shouldn't have this much pain, it's radiating up my cheek bone now. I just hope it settles soon. Wishing everyone struggling with depression better days ahead.

thank you disparaissant my friend your kind words really help. i hope you feel better with the dental work that is rough.
doing better today got stuff done cleaned up the house showered. sewed a patch on hubby's jacket for his pool league to surprise him he seemed pleased but didn't wear it. tomorrow he is playing pool again third night this week i hope it is just because he really likes pool my paranoia is kicking in. other than that i don't care i don't really mind being the one who is always at home. being out in the world fills me with self-doubt and fear.

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Feeling great and motivated to do sports, hobbies, work, study and therapy.

Really really good. I've been this way for a while. Meds are working well.

Started 2 new meds 10-days ago. OMG I'm so incredibly sick. Saw the doc today, did some labs. This new drug (Nardil) is my last chance...I've had every other drug available over the past 30-years. This is it...It doesn't matter if the nausea keeps me on on bathroom floor 24/7...that my B/P is sky high- It's got to work. OMG I'm so sick....

I hope you'll feel a lot better soon.

I've been scarily unstable today, my moods must have shifted half a dozen times between confidence, calm, and sadness/anxiety/loneliness. It's getting kind of tiring, there's nothing I want more than to just turn my feelings off for a while so I can stop feeling awful.

I'm not sure if my problem even counts as depression any more.

I have not been on here for a while. I have been feeling pretty good lately. I'm feeling like I have a handle on life. It's like, "what depression?" for me. But it is my favorite time of year right now. Come March or April, I might feel depressed again. It's usually the time when I go and see doctors. In the last few years, there had been things going wrong around March and April.

I was considering selling my condo unit and moving out because I don't like the complex. But lately, it's been nice as no one has been a hassle and I am recovering financially very well. It seems like my money tree has been blooming leaves; which is great after the wipeout I had.

Though I have a dermatology appointment coming up next week. I am dreading it. I've made an appointment because my regular doctor thinks that I should. My regular doctor spotted something on my face and she thinks that it should be examined. I hope it goes well.

Feeling so down right now .. Sometimes I just don't know how I'm gonna make it through another day . Everything is wrong in my life and it's hard to see any kind of positivity in my future .

I am in a depressive slump just now. It is usually gone in 2-3 days.

Well, I was just coming here to post and I find this: Coping with Obsessive Thoughts | The Recovery Expert

I could use that - some painful memories just cropped up and I banged out some ramble about it (anxious through the whole thing, heart pounding, shaking, thoughts clouded and racing). I basically have this new pattern where I wake up calm, even happy, and then my mood declines throughout the day.

I want to cuddle with someone, just feel safe and taken care of for a little bit, just a few minutes even.

I have slipped back into depression by some words that were spoken to me. I am trying to not feel sadness, but it isnt working. Oh, well, bedtime is soon.

Actually, I have been letting myself feel the sadness. But, at this time, mindfulness is not helping.

i haven't eaten today. i have an appetite, but nothing sounds good. my parennts are fighting. i'm cold. i have to pee but i don't want to go out there. i just want to lock myself away and starve until i become as physically frail as i feel on the inside.

Sometimes people are just nice and they appreciate how gentle I am . . . I get that this is true, I am grieving for all the times I stuck with someone that was angry all the time.

Checking in. Still depressed after a good nights sleep. I had a cup of coffee. This helps some to drive off some of the morning depression.