Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

Sleepy now. It is late here. But I am having that feeling that I want to do something fun,find something interesting, learn something new... whatever, I am tired to do so. I am like this, sometimes the more tired I feel the less I feel like going to bed, like inertia.

The dinner/prom or whatsoever is this friday. Not that much excited about that. But I can't skeep traditions or I will regret it later. Had a fight with my sister because of it, while we were shopping. I am not sure who was right, but I feel like I had to say it even in that particular circunstance it might not have been true... the fact that my sister is a very critic person, she can be mean sometimes, and that I always look up for what might she be thinking.

I can't blame her for the way I manage my feelings and anxieties, yet, she can make anyone feel pretty bad, and I have been under her wing forever, always. Of course I care more than I should about her opinion. I never had a voice under her influence. It's my personality, I get it, but it is also hers. It's not like that with my mother. I had to speak out, even the main raison was to stand up for myself and say what I fear without holding back.

The true is that everytime I go shopping I wait for her opinion. I just try or buy something if she aproves of it. And this happens for many other aspects of my life. But she does a lot of things for me, a lot, she helps me when I need, and get why she got upset with me.

A pretty slow day at work today. Today I felt pretty good emotionally. But I get occasional intrusive thoughts. I worked out after work for the first time in a while. It went good. I didn't workout last week because I had some soreness.

I am experiencing a feeling that seems like 'normal.' It doesn't happen very often, but it's nice. Maybe my meds are just where they should be!

After two days of mess, I just kind of want to go and run around and hug people right now. It seems ridiculous, but it is what it is.

I think I've emotionally battered and gutted myself into submission for a while and now I'm so tired of it I need a change, even if it's largely going back to my old mindsets.

Fairly busy day at work. It seemed like at work today the people were very testy and moody. Also they seemed very critical about little things that I didn't do correctly. Unlike a typical day at my job.

I was feeling fine today, but the criticizing from others got me down.

I've been sleeping for 20 hours straight, now I cannot fall asleep, this urge will come to me in the morning, because i can't stand daylight anymore...i can't stand my own thoughts and my current situation.

Well, the side effects from the meds haven't been too bad thus far. Noticeable, but tolerable... I know they'll go away soon.

I had this little boost yesterday. I don't think it's coincidence, happened last time I started Citalopram too.

Back to feeling subdued today though. I just want to be back to normal, whatever that is...

So I found a song today that hits me so hard in the feels and psyche I'm literally crying here in the library in front of everyone. Philosophy be damned - I'm lonely, I'm unlovable, I have needs, wherever they come from; and it all makes me hurt.

Crying though, embarrassing as it might have been, is at least letting me know I'm alive.

Bouts of emotions now and then and in the between the indifference. I have plenty of reasons to be sad and upset, but in the mean time the emotions go away and I can't express how things that happened make me feel.
Like having a really really really bad grade in a pratical evaluation that is totaly unfair and far from what I think I deserve. And seeing the mean of my grades of all this six year fall 0,3 because of an only subject and a really stupid doctor. In a time that a little difference in the grades can be the difference between getting or not getting the job I want. And seeing all the other classmates getting way better grades with no substancial difference between my performance and theirs.

I already have a big chalenge tomorrow. The gala dinner/dance party. It ends at 6.00am (of course I can leave early), but I don't know how I will make, because I real don't feel in the mood for that much social interation with people I am not totally comfortable with. And I don't have a car and I don't have anyone to give me a ride back home.

Do you have to go ?

An alright kind of day. I'm glad that tomorrow is Saturday. Saturday morning tends to be my favorite time of week. But it seems kind of pathetic that on my favorite time of the week, I would be cleaning my place. And being by myself.

I have been asking myself a lot lately, "where is my life going?" Why do I stick with the things I do that seem dead end for me? My life is about work, the place I live at, the exercises that I do, and the church. All dead end.

The people at my job seem moody lately. Some of the people that seemed cheerful are now serious and sobering. Also a lot of the people are quitting. At where I live, the people I meet are weird. And at my church, people don't seem to get near me much. I have only one friend and he goes to the same church. He's the reason why I go there, but it's not much of a good reason to.

My god I didn't know it was possible to feel this awful early in the morning. Think I woke up depressed - it's been a while since that happened.

It seems all of today is going to be characterized by an acute feeling of pain. All I want to do is cry...

A typical Saturday for me. I was hoping that my friend and I could get together today. It's been over a month since he and I had quality time together. He's still a bit under the weather and today was not a great day for weather. It was a bit cold, rainy, and windy. Nothing going on tonight.

Early this morning I had a weird dream about being together with an ex-friend of mine. I just happen to see him last Wednesday when I was driving home. He was in the lane next to me. I don't have any interest in getting back together with him.

I have been away from the forum for a long time. I am glad to find this thread again. A week ago I have a diagnosed of Mayor Depression. So, after almost 7th months of being stable, I m back on the terrible path of emotional pain and the difficulties that comes with a new dose of my medications. "And this, too, shall pass away."
I will not give up!

Bad anxiety today. But depression was okay. I fought it really hard to get stuff done and at onen point had to admit my shortcomings and instead of cleaning my apartment will lose my deposit... but that's better than causing a relapse.

Seesaw

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Had less of the emotional side of my low mood recently but I still have little motivation to do/get little enjoyment out of things most of the day currently.

Anxiety is still cropping up here & there. Been worrying I might be having a return of my psychotic symptoms.

Oh and I have cold I think. Or allergies but I think a cold since I had a sore throat yesterday.

Great timing.

How much time does one have to wait until the medication starts working? I was told 2 weeks last time

It depends, some medications up to 4-6 weeks.

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Thanks a lot

This week chalanges are almost getting to the end.
This week should be our week to celebrate, the academic week, full of activities for the students from my university.
I have been avoiding things all my life. In my first years at faculty I went to parties, but it was to painful for me. In the same way I skipped all the theoretical lessons because I couldn't stand seeing all my classmates sitting together and ignoring me.
I hate I did this things for the reasons I did, I which this last six years were better. Everybody leaves faculty with a bunch of happy memories from happy moments and good time spent with friends. My memories are isolation, anxiety, sleeping and those from the different moments of my struggle.
So, I go, at least to the most important events of the week. In the Sunday I got my high hat and my bengala and tomorrow is the parade. This are suppose to be meaningfull...
I didn't sleep to much on Sunday, so it was pretty awfull. I was suppose to be happy, my family came to watch the cerimony, we had lunch together. I ask many people to hit my hat (it is like wishing good luck), but trully, I didn't feel like doing that, but I have to.
Now I have to endure like three hours of parade with my classmates, picture posing, trying to be happy and sentimental to them...and I am not going to anything else.

Most people like this week because of the parties. They go all night long with music shows and mini-bars selling drinks. The first year I went with my classmates, the second year and the next two I went with my sister friends (who are not my friends) and last year I didn't go. People make this a very big deal, so I feel sad for not going, for not have anyone I want to go with, and for not having fun at the things I go.

Today was okay but I had to go home at lunch to wait for the cable guy. He came early in the time span that they give you, but I decided to not go back to work because my mid day exhaustion was hitting. I didn't even accomplish the work that I took home with me.

This week is going to be very busy because I have lots of early days for meetings and then I'm trying to go to ACOA or Coda or NAMI meetings in the evenings for support.

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I went to my graduation only because my mother forced me to. It was a very stressful, awkward and unhappy day for me because I didn't really have the close friends or social skills to feel comfortable at the time.

Seesaw

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It wasn't too busy at work today. Last night and part of today I felt like I was having some dizzy spells. It didn't happen very often. I worked out after work and it all went well. Felt better after the workout. No one bothered me tonight at the pool area.

I have just cleared twenty bags of extra stuff out of my house. It is all in the storage room in garbage bags. I had been asking my now ex to help me have less stuff in the house, to help me make it more of a home. He didn't hear me for twenty two years. That was what hurt me - that he didn't hear me. He just kept buying stuff, piling his stuff in the house. Now, I can enjoy my house and feel like I've chosen everything that is in the house. It feels good. When he comes back from vacation with his girlfriend and sees that I've filled the storeroom with boxes and garbage bags, he may get really mean. He comes over almost every day, to take our daughter to school, and he helps with yard work etc. He also acts like I still belong to him. Well, hear me roar.

my week is going pretty good.

it's not the greatest- and i'm certainly having times where neggitivity takes over,

but pretty good right now. feel caught up on stuff too, and that's a good thing