Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

I was able to eat a little today... Had some poached eggs this morning and a bowl of spaghettios tonight. Hoping I can get some sleep for work tomorrow.

I feel a bit tired of myself because I have not been able to find a way to get enough sleep after Christmas.

...My energy's still here. I still have no idea what I've done to get (and keep) it this way. I've been more productive today than I've been in 2 weeks!

Without taking antidepressants I'm definitely more emotional. Just had a good cry earlier and I feel better. Anxiety comes down when I'm alone.

): .......

rough morning. locked sleeping baby in running car. cell phone wouldn't work. all is okay now thank goodness my husband rescued us. sometimes i think my lack of focus is dangerous. today was one of those days. although to be fair the car seemed to lock on its own when i closed one door and went to open another. 12 year old car decides now it wants to beef up its security.

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had to force myself to eat something. i don't seem to like any food now. all of it is just bland.

also, got my feelings hurt pretty bad by mom. she basically let slip that she'd rather watch tv than spend any quality time with me. of course she caught herself and tried to backtrack, but the damage was done. this hurts because i've been alone all weekend, no one at all to talk to, and was looking forward to maybe spending some time with her and talking, like mother and daughter. but nope, she wanted to watch her dumb *** tv shows. it hurts, because i never expected such behavior from her. i should have known. i'm never good enough to spend any time with. doesn't matter who it is, they'd always rather be doing something else.

not to mention she's been drinking beer all day. she'll probably be drunk by the time my dad's home from work, which means he will get mad at her and they'll probably fight. or she'll instigate a fight with him by bringing up crap that shouldn't be brought up. i mean, i really do understand how depressed and frustrated she is, but i'm so tired of it. there's been times she made me feel like absolute ****, and all because i didn't want to sit with her and humor her along while she got drunk ("oh, i'm so lonely" "nobody wants to sit with me" "you know i won't be around forever", etc.). meanwhile i'm facing the fact i likely won't lose enough weight by spring, which means i'll more than probably be alone for another year.

then i read some pretty hurtful things about fat people (i am fat), implying that they can't have eating disorders, and basically making fun of fat people who 'pretend' to have disordered eating. as a fat person with disordered eating, it hurt me deeply. people like the ones making those comments are the reason i developed disordered eating in the first place. i am sad and hurt and angry. the people who made the original comments are now getting roasted for what they said, but that is little consolation to me. i feel so bad.

and then i found out david bowie died.

it's just been a bad day all around.

I am very sorry because you are going through a lot. As I told you before, you deserve better. Online, in magazines, on tv, etc you will find a lot of stupid things about people that are different or that not fit in traditional cannons. Perhaps, you can try to avoid reading them, they are not helpful. I support your idea of becoming healthier however, please, allow me to tell you this: you are entitled to happiness, in any size. You are you. This is your life. Your life is worthy. Who says otherwise is an idiot. You will make it. Just need time and some help you are not getting now. Perhaps (and this is valid for me, too) we need to expect things from people that, for whatever reason, will not help us in the way we need. They can't do it, they don't want to do it, they do not know how to, i am not sure. But life is us will make us resilient and go beyond current limitations. I have faith in you.
Sending you a hug

Sorry, above I meant we need to stop expecting things from people that cannot help us in the way we need

There's nothing wrong with us, were just weak, stupid, incompetent, and socially brainwashed. Those of us who want to commit suicide (and I was seriously contemplating it last night) should, and no one should help us or try to stop us. And if we're afraid, or disturbed by these thoughts, it's just more programming. We should kill ourselves, it's a perfectly rational decision, since there's no such thing as depression or any other mental illness.

*I've been reading anti-psych form the past few hours, and I've never felt more lost or trapped.

This worries me. Please hang in there, I know it gets overwhelming. I am feeling exactly the same, with a huge portion of loss, grief and despair added in. But I hear you. ((((((((( hugs ))))))))

Feeling great, I just want to go home from work and for this week to end quickly so I can go on a trip.

Feeling kind of down. I had a therapy session today and feel like it was a waste of time. No big breakthrough. Just catching up on what's been happening in my life. Same old stuff. I needed something more. I'm not sure what but just something. Had a lot of anxiety, too. The klonopin didn't do it's job. I've had better days.

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Thank you, i seem to have pushed the thought of dying out of my mind for the time being, but really, this post was in reference to this.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/other...ml#post4869735

Take a look at that link, particularly a chapter called Suicide: A Civil Right, or something like that.

Oh, thank you. I hadn't seen this before. My thoughts on that are, firstly, I used to believe psychiatry is evil. But the psychiatry of today is much more compassionate in a general way than it used to be, and hopefully it will just get more so. When I was in college in the 1970s, that was my first experience of psychiatry. It was pretty bad. I spent the next 35 years avoiding psychiatry at all costs, and suffering from my conditions, but free of meds. Granted I never had anything new happen in those years. I never had hallucinations, etc. But I did still have my original illness.

When I began seeing a new psychiatrist (for meds I had been taking, prescribed by a GP), I did not trust the Atypical antipsychotics. That was too bad because a new thing did start, I did begin to have hallucinations. Fast forward about 7 years, and now I couldn't get by without an aap med. The hallucinations I had were absolute torture.

This is getting to be a lot of rambling, sorry. Can't organize my thoughts well anymore.

In conclusion, although for most of my life I believed psychiatrists and their meds were the devil, I now am very grateful for the meds because they rescued me from horrible suffering. I wouldn't be taking meds if there were nothing wrong with me. I'm not sure I faithfully addressed your question. :/

Lately I've been so tired again. I wake up and I can almost not get out of bed.
I'm already nervous for an exam next month. If I don't pass, then I can't get to that school. I can try another school, but then I'll have to go to another city and I don't want that.
I also feel sad. I don't want to be awake. I don't want to feel.
I feel so lonely.

I thought the anxiety was getting better but it has hit me full force today even the klonopin hasn't been helping. I have been having stomach trouble too. I figure that has something to do with the anxiety. The depression has been worse again today. I sure hope tomorrow is better as I have plans to help a friend.

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Today was one of the worst days I have had in a long time. Could not get out of bed, and felt like my body and mind just shut down, besides for the moments of feeling on edge, which I'm scared can happen at any moment.

I wonder if this next person will run away from me now that I have told them that I have depression.

I think my ego is starting to fade.

I was more concerned about the articles' claims that mental illness doesn't exist, or that it's wrong to help suicides. That what we call mental illness is just "life problems" or natural variations in human experience. Or another argument that pathologizing certain behaviors infringes on people's rights (because you're basically saying it's wrong to think or do certain things - if mental diagnoses were laws, we'd live in a fascist dystopia where thoughtcrime is rampant). Or indeed, the argument that we only see things as disorders because of our culture and there's actually nothing wrong.

Those views used to be mine. While I do sometimes hate the labels and the pathologizing of human behaviors, I have come to believe that at least some true illnesses exist. If my hallucinations had been the pleasant type, maybe I would not have changed my views. But they were/are the torturing type which ruined my life. I'm happy to admit this is really an illness, and take meds for it.

I still do support a no force legal environment for afflicted people. I was taken to a hospital against my will in 2010 and it launched and confirmed my terror of the loss of individual rights and freedom.

Ugh, back into the old self-hating rut. I've thought these thoughts a thousand times and thee's nothing that can be done, the failure inherent to my position remains obvious. But it still hurts and I want to cry. I can't, but still.

I hate myself. There, I said it.

doing ok. ocd and anxiety are pretty low. depression is there but not overbearing. looking forward to the weekend

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Contentment just doesn't last, but we can find it here and there. I had such good laughs yesterday.. at myself. Talking to my son, wanting him to remember me, remembering how beautiful he really is, I cried and laughed. But isn't there a saying, if you can't laugh at yourself who can you laugh at?