Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

was fine first part of the day, depression & anxiety at a minimum. started working in my room, got a lot more done than i did yesterday. i've been getting rid of things that i don't want/need and making room for the stuff i care about.

then my mood crashed at around 3. now my digestive system's acting up and making me feel bad to the point i wish i had not eaten (though i actually enjoyed the food for once). i want to cry for some reason, but i can't. i think it dawns on me sometimes just how isolated i truly am in my own life; no friends, hardly a family, and even the family i'm 'close' to do not really understand me or my depression. no one really knows the true me. i keep her hidden in my diaries and poems, and on PC sometimes. but no one truly knows who i am. they only know what i have chosen to reveal to them (which isn't much). it gets me very lonely. doesn't help that i am socially anxious and an introvert who has a past of being bullied. making friends that aren't online is almost impossible. i'm fairly good at articulating myself and my feelings in private, but with others...

Feeling better this afternoon. Not as depressed or anxious. Not sick at my stomach today which is a relief.

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I feel so lonely and alone. I look forward in my life
and see me by myself. I wanted to belong to somewhere, someone, my whole life but I've never figured out how to let people in, I just loved my family and my ex and my children from with in my cave. I sometimes cherish the small times I have contact with friends but I have been roaring in my heart that it hurts. I have a boyfriend. He is nice, good looking, gentle, has enough for his retirement but he is more a friend than someone I can howl at the moon with.

I started to have a cold last Friday, so I had the weekend to try to rest up. I felt like I wasn't in good enough shape to work on Monday, so I called in sick on Monday morning. Fortunately I was able to do it. And then I called in sick on Tuesday again.

I went back to work today, but still feel under the weather. I have been feeling very depressed in the last few days because I feel like I have something more than just a cold, but I don't know what it is. I'm not eating as much. Also I feel like I'm going through withdrawals as I have not been working out. I'm just not feeling like myself lately. It seems like this thing is never going to end.

Yesterday I decided to try to get up when my clock rings, eat my breakfast and allow myself to go to bed again for some time if I'm too tired. I see this as the first step to win back my usual "jumping out of bed habit" and hope it is the first step in regulating my sleep pattern back to normal.

It worked fine this morning.

Of course mental illness exists. Those who have done the hard work to become better can testify to that.

Been reading about neurotypicality for the last hour or so and now I just want to curl up and die. I'm stupid, I'm useless, and a disgustingly irrational joke excuse of a human, so why bother with anything.

This will probably pass eventually, but for now, it's self-hate central.

Feeling very down. Haven't had a seizure for a month now have had 3 this month already the first one I had a weeks stay in hospital after splitting my head open having a heap of stitches in my thick head. Now I go back to not wanting to go anywhere . Bit embarrassing being over 50 and waking up after a seizure in hospital wearing an adults disposable nappy.

stayed in my pajamas today and never got the kids outside to sled and don't think its gonna happen at this point. just don't have the energy to do much more than the minimal.

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tummy hurts a little. did more work in my room today, threw out more stuff. drinking lots of water trying to clear out my skin and hopefully rid myself of toxins so that i'll feel better physically. i'm still very down emotionally, however.

Feeling great, looking forward to this Saturday.

Okay, I don't want to say I attempted suicide today...but I did shove almost an entire bottle's worth of aspirin into my mouth and considered swallowing. I ended up spitting them out, but still. It simply feels like there's nothing out there for me. I exist wrong and there's nothing that can be done about but but die or live my entire life in shame.

I feel bad for complaining like this, but I guess I wanted to let this out.

It's still so dark so early.

I'm still battling the little cold that I got. I got it last Friday. I think it's a "low-grade" cold, but it lingers on for quite a while. Even though my temperature is normal, I feel like crap. In the past when I had a cold, it seemed easier to deal with a temp. of 101 than what I have going for me now.

What really hurts is that during the day, I would feel great and believed that this cold is done with. Not tonight! Well, at least my voice is getting better. It was hard to talk to others while my voice was not in good shape.

i don't think i can 'bounce back' this time..

Wow, today's been a rollercoaster. I'm back on the down though. I wish this could stop...

Mentally I am having a good day. Physically I am sick and had a reaction to my medicine & had to leave work 3 1/2 hours into an 8 hour shift. Most importantly I am having a good day mentally.

i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm sick of everyone & everything. my patience seems to have run out and now i'm only getting by on fumes. i'm angry and i feel like it's only a matter of time before i really blow... kinda scared to find out what that may happen. it's been a long time coming, i know that. all the years of being made to feel weak and powerless, like i don't have a voice. the bullying, the fights, the abandonment, all of it is going to bubble over.

Sigh. It's hitting pretty hard this time. The worst thing right now is that I really don't even want to hang out with the only two friends I have in the world. I don't want to bother them with this **** or like drag them down with me. I tried putting on the happy facade tonight and failed miserably. I'm really no good in this state; how do I tell them that I don't want to talk without losing their friendship entirely?

And this conundrum makes me feel even worse.

In my experience, being angry is better than being depressed because being angry moves me while depression paralyzes me

that's an interesting way of seeing it. i guess anger does liven us up. it can also give us energy to burn.

If I get angry I know I'm needing to release some tension. Hit a pillow, it helps.

I'm extremely lazy today, should be doing the pile of dishes, cleaning, I haven't even cleaned the cat litter box for days, gross.

It's cold, dark, no sunshine. This time of year is the worst for me, by the end of February I've just about had it with the cold and snow.

ugh they're already drinking. this is going to be a long day. hope i have enough music to listen to while they play theirs for hours on end, and always the same songs over and over too. it happens almost every evening now. i'm sick of it.

so tired of feeling unheard. i tried to reach out to my mom again today, and she blew me off. it could have been unintentional, but i dunno, it seems to be happening more and more often lately. like, i'll say something along the lines of "i haven't been doing so well" and she'll say "oh, too bad" or something else half-hearted, and then go back to whatever she was talking about. my dad on the other hand couldnt give a frick, we never talk. i feel like i will have to do something drastic to get my point across. i feel invisible. people don't care unless it's convenient to them, not even your own parents.

aaand, there's the music. ****. same song they've been listening to over and over for the past 5 days. i'm going to break their ****ing computer.

getting a job in the spring no matter what, anxiety be damned. i cannot stay here anymore. it's like i'm less than a guest. i just can't stand it here anymore, i have to get out of here or i will die before my time.