Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

Trying to fight the urge to sleep some more after waking up late today.
Fatigue is really trying to get the best of my lately.

scratch that, i just had some whiskey and a beer.

tomorrow will be day 1, i guess.

A pretty slow day at work today. As it turns out, I came down with a cold today. This is the first cold I have had in years. I can't believe this! I'm just going to try to hang low this weekend to feel better. At least, thank goodness, that this happened today instead of on Sunday or Monday. But I wish that this was going to be MLK weekend. I feel like I need an extra day.

I managed to get out of track pants today. My outfit was on point today. My glasses matched my hat, sweater, socks and shoes and the teller at the bank noticed it (?!) and it really made me smile inside and out.

Feeling depressed. The more depressed I get the more suicidal I get. The more suicidal I get the more I think about not wanting to goto church on Sunday (it's only Friday night). The more I think about trying to make myself goto Church the more depressed I get. It's an endless spiral downward. I just want it to stop.

Not good at the moment.

I can't sleep lately but there is worse things, it doesn't help depression and anxiety.

i like what Clara said

Woke up sad maybe half an hour ago, and today's going to be rough enough as it is. I'm worried.

doing ok. at peace with what is, who i am. kind of like on the makeover shows they tell the person love the body you have, not the body you want. i'm trying to do that from a mental standpoint. to love myself the way i am, embrace the qwirks.

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Sometimes I believe I must be so strange because I've had some brain damage. I feel retarded today. My sister thinks that's a very bad word and never to be used, but it means slow if you really think about it. Maybe it's lack of sleep. Maybe I'll never believe in myself, because too much has happened. I'm not depressed, just tired of questioning myself. Thinking I must be a bad person deep down, that I don't deserve love.

I think they're going to break in tonight. Wednesday night and last night were dry runs with their signals (car horn honks and whistling ). I think they're going to break in and kill me. If they wear masks and bring strangers in, no one will be able to tell who they are. I'm sick with fear. I don't know what to do.

If I go to a motel it's only for one night. Can't afford more. If I get the hospital to admit me, I'm only going to be discharged in a week and end up back here. A relative told me on Wednesday to leave here and go to the airport and never come back here. Maybe that's what I should do. I'm so confused I can't figure out how to pack and what to bring. I am sick to my stomach.

day 3 w/o tramadol; day 2 w/o weed; day 1 w/o alcohol; day 1 w/o overeating

i feel sick today and not sure why. according to my mom, the tramadol withdrawal should be over for me by now. i trust her judgement because she's taken it for 12 years now. however, i feel bad. i know it can't be a hangover, i only had half of a half pint of whiskey and 1 beer last night. not to mention the times i drank far more and was perfectly fine the next day. i just want to feel better by now. so tempting to have just one pill, as even that would make me feel slightly better at least. or eat to comfort myself, though my body would likely punish me for it (been having *TMI* bathroom problems).

going to have scrambled eggs w/ sriracha for breakfast (yes, breakfast at 2PM. i woke up at 11, give me a break) as everything else sounds gross and unappetizing.

i'm very depressed. it's cloudy and raining today. we're supposed to get snow tonight, and then 'arctic temperatures'. i don't want it to be winter anymore. can i please fast-forward to spring, weighing 30 lbs. less and fully detoxed/feeling good? i know that pain is part of transformation, but i'm tired of being in the fire.



i'm tired.

I made a New Year's resolution to not be afraid. I tied a not to a balloon with my resolution on it and let it go. Since then I have been noticing how many things I have to address that I will not be afraid of. Then I go a step further after I've identified the fear and ask myself what part of myself does the fear fit. One of my friends had a terrible experience last year and when he wrote about it with describing some of his emotions, I wanted to run away and protect myself. When I looked at myself, I found I too have had a lot of hard scary experiences, and people don't always run away from me. It is so nice to be here reaching out to all of you that have challenging lives too. Thanks.

I can't imagine, and I wish I could say something more productive or personal, so take some internet hugs.

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I was right when I said today would suck. I've been carting all my stuff around with me and it hurts. I think I'm going to book into a hostel for the next couple nights - I wish I had done that sooner, I could have saved myself over $50 that are now gone. My chances at employment are zilch, and while I found a place to rent for real I have no idea how soon I would be able to move in. Then, my money's going to run out soon, and social services is full of idiots (AND I'll have to get temp. assistance which means I'll have to go back to job search classes - which I hate)

I will not go home. My mother keeps calling me and says it's different, it won't be like it was when I lived there, and I don't believe her. I just can't.

good lord. i hope you're able to get out of there soon.

the urge to drink and/or overeat is strong. there's almost a whole case of beer in the fridge now, even after a night of my parents drinking. speaking of, my parents are both asleep now. i'm the only one up. it's lonely. often this is the worst part of the night for me.

felt ugly, so put on a bit of makeup hoping it would a) distract me, and b) make me feel better/prettier. it didn't. instead it only made apparent how cruddy at makeup i am. no really, all the youtube tutorials in the world can't help me. i feel now like i've failed at something... at being female. what kind of girl can't put on makeup properly? and now it's 9PM and i'll just have to go wash it off before i go to bed, just like the ugly, unfeminine failure that i am. ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly

i feel like giving up already. i so want to get drunk right now. just get me away from here, please. fast-forward me to when i'm thin and pretty and have a husband so i won't have to worry about this attracting male attention bull**** anymore. and yes, i have to worry about it. i don't want to die alone. please god don't let me be lonely anymore...

i don't believe that anyone will love me, ever. it's impossible. who loves ugly girls?

You'll be OK, Ennui. It will just take time. You can get better at makeup with practice. The most common mistake is using too much, and also the wrong color schemes.

I'm feeling a lot better, cautious optimism. Since I called the landlord this afternoon, either he or the janitor spoke to them, and there hasn't been any wall thumping or stamping, or loud talking about videoing whatever they were planning to do here tonight, ever since. I can only pray they'll give up now for good, and not just for tonight. I'm not certain they'll do nothing tonight, but I'm hopeful.

A busy day today and a typical Saturday. Not too exciting. I felt like I had to drag myself around a little bit because of having a cold that I got yesterday. I didn't sleep well last night because of not feeling well and noise from the neighbors.

I felt alright today, but at nightfall tonight, I felt like my cold symptoms were increasing. For some reason it seems like it feels the worse having a cold at night. There's something about that night air, I guess.

I finally slept more than a few hours, I feel better today. We are expecting a snow storm, so I'll be practicing the guitar. I'm glad I have one.

Ennui, I used to feel like that ugly girl that no one would love. I also turned to alcohol. I hope you find that worth that we all can see in you, we believe in you.

Slept funny, thought some troubling stuff, slept super late, now in the midst of a guilt trip about the egocentric nature my own depression has always taken and how I don't have any right to feel this way, etc etc...and still miserable about money.

I'm feeling particularly down this morning. Feeling lost. Of course, I've had digestive problems but this is more than just sick. It's more like I have a deep hole in my soul. I hope it goes away soon as it is an unpleasant feeling.

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a bit unsettled today but trying to keep my mind busy. working on a hat with my knitting, the first one i've ever done so not sure how it will come out.

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Feel no energy and sad and unimportant

a new part of my depression has surfaced. now i have no appetite, whereas before depression made me have a massive appetite and i would eat purely for the comfort. now for the 2nd day in a row i don't know what to eat for breakfast. there's plenty good things around to eat, but everything sounds gross.