Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

i can't believe it's only 3:30. feels like it should be much later. they're still playing their music. this is going to be the longest night ever. and i'm all alone. i don't know what to do, distractions aren't working. wanna binge eat but there's nothing around but pizza, and that's for everyone so...



i'm done fighting honestly. i just get shat on at every turn, so what's the point.

my older sister who called my cutting stupid a few years back is now posting about engaging in si on her twitter... so tired of hypocrites. i don't have a family.

I'm depressed today. Can't seem to even get off the couch. I see my pdoc on Monday and don't know what to tell him. I thought I was feeling a little bit better but now I'm not sure.

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Less of a rollercoaster today. But I'm running through some thoughts - that I should desensitize myself to real violence to be "tougher". Not slasher movies, but like those real violence and torture videos that people post online. Just the thought makes me sick, I feel too much for the victims (again, just thinking or hearing about it!) and I don't want to lose that empathy. Stupid thoughts, not sure why I'm putting them here in the first place.

dear drunk mom, i've had it with you guilting me and making me feel like a **** daughter because i will not watch a tv show with you. you say you're tired, but so am i. it isn't enough, apparently, that i have had a headache for the past three days and have been made to listen to yours and dad's music for hours on end on top of that. i've had a long day, i just want to have a small binge on pizza since that is the only thing i have to make me feel better apart from cutting, and i don't want to break 3 months clean.

i'm sure you've noticed me being distant and short these past few days. that is because i do not feel well. i'm depressed. the last thing i need is you trailing behind me like a sad-eyed puppy dog and sulking because i don't feel like spending every waking moment of my life with you. i already feel ****** enough. you are manipulative and clingy. i get that you're depressed as well. i get that i'm the only person you have. i know you're lonely, but you can change that without dragging me down. i think it would help you to get out of the house and get some friends your own age. that is what i plan to do this coming spring, so don't be disappointed that i'm not going to stay in the house with you all day every day for another year. i want to have a life outside of my house.

that being said, i love you dearly. but you really bring me down.

love,
your disgruntled daughter


(sorry for hogging the thread, i'll stop now.)

torn between wanting to vacuum the house to satisfy my compulsion and wanting to be lazy and let it be messy. i want the laziness to win. i am so tired.

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speaking of vacuuming that's one of the many things i need to do in my room tomorrow. i should probably make a list. and plan to get up early.

i hope having a clean, nice-looking room will lift my spirits a little and not make me feel quite so boxed-in.

the problem is how loud my lazy side will be tomorrow and how much i'll have to fight her.

I'm depressed today again but today I'm also jittery. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't sit still but can't seem to find anything to do either.

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Doing a smidge better than yesterday, but only just enough to not be scared for my own safety. Yesterday I had to get my dad to come get me to bring me over to my parents' place. Was feeling absolutely miserable and scared to go outside of my apartment.

Always a loser.

I don't know if depression has something to do with what I did. I went to church and then met up with my friend after the service. I took him to his house. He asked what we can do for lunch? So many times he will take me out to lunch, but I feel like I'm just sick out going out to eat. I suggested that we can have lunch at my place and I can make him something. He didn't want to do that. So we ended up not having lunch together. But also, we decided to get together tomorrow (I don't have to work).

I felt bad for leaving him behind. He then wanted to go to Burger King. I don't care for Burger King. He wanted to get something for his wife. She is not feeling well with a cold (so much of it going around). So I ended up coming home by myself and having lunch alone. And I'll spend the rest of the day and evening by myself. I can rest and keep myself busy, but I have some limits because of getting over a cold myself.

I guess we'll get together tomorrow; and he wants to do something. I have drawn a blank as to know what we can do. He's 80 years old and has physical limits; so he can't keep up with me. And on top of that, I have to do all of the driving and I get sick of it. Plus if we go somewhere popular, it will be very crowded; and I can't stand crowds. But he doesn't understand why I feel that way.

Given your struggles I think it is perfectly acceptable to translate something he doesn't understand into something he does... i.e. if he doesn't get "you don't like crowds" if you need to back out you can do so because you're "still getting over your cold". Just my opinion... But I don't know why people need to "understand" when all they need to do is respect your words and choices.

Sorry, pet peeve of mine. Hope it goes well tomorrow.

So today I was able to eat again... I seem to be able to manage one meal a day or one every two days. But the good part was that I got out of the house and went to a diner. I haven't been able to leave my house at all on weekends for several weeks now.

Been down all day, but the sudden memory of one of my greatest shames is ruining it. And it's arguably a very minor thing, but I'm still badly tense from thinking. Sometimes I just hate everything.

it's night now and i'm just kind of lost, not sure what to do. too early to go to bed.

I hear that! I've been thinking a lot lately about why I just can't seem to succeed at anything, especially socialization or romance. Sigh. Will the loneliness never cease?!

Come one, eyes. Cry! I know I'm still holding some emotions back, and I think that the only way to cement how good I've been feeling lately is to have the ultimate crying session to make sure I can stay feeling so alive!

Nightmares. Feel like an over sensitive baby. Can't stop crying all the time. It's scary. It hurts. I just wish there was someone I could tell all my thoughts to without feeling scared that they will judge me or run away. Sigh.

no i don't want to be awake i don't want to live or endure the rest of today.

i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself

i have no one and nothing.

i'm going to die alone...

I feel better today. Had a good visit with my pdoc. Came home and did some sewing. Felt pretty good about my day.

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working on a hat that i'm trying to knit. it's a challenge because i haven't bothered to learn how to knit a curve so i'm trying to make a hat out of two rectangles. hats are my thing now. perfect for hiding oneself.

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