Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

I took a mental health day and ended up sleeping a lot of it. Then ended up with a hole in a tire on my car, but fortunately was able to get it to the tire place to get it patched before anything bad happened. Then I had to deal with pharmacy and they wouldn't fulfill my Xanax without an in-state ID. SO now I have to go deal with the DMV as soon as possible. They treated me like a drug seeker which is so demeaning when I have true agoraphobia and the DMV is like the worst place I can imagine having to go, even without agoraphobia.

UG...bad day...even without working.

Seesaw

I'm having a horrible horrible day. Battling with my son's mother. Sent me into rage mood. Found a tick attached to me the other day now I keep having feelings of bugs crawling on me. I"m very very out of my mind right now.

I had a birthday yesterday. It felt funny, like I was a wrinkly fairly ugly, new born, 52 divorcee, and everyone I knew was trying to cheer me on by wishing me happy birthday. People are nice. I am always reaching out to friends but it is hard for me when they reach back, I feel overwhelmed, like I don't really deserve their affection, and it makes me aware that I have a hole inside that can only be filled by me; friends are for celebrating life, for teaching, for briefly connecting with - actual survival depends on me and I don't seem to be very good at it. maybe that is the secret, admit that a lot of the time I am like a beetle turned on his back with my little legs bicycling in the air.

It is pouring rain. I want to just dive back in bed and not do anything but I'm going to get dressed and go to the library, then maybe to the coffee shop.

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Lack of motivation today, but determined to do... something. Gotta shower.

Happy belated birthday!

I am doing better, I started to exercises about four days ago. It is good for my mind and body. I like it so much that I stay for about 3 hours every day, taking very slowly, doing the best I can considering that I am not in a good shape. So, I am driving again, I just can't believe it but I am doing it!

I am not there yet, but I am walking to get there. I can live with depression and severe anxiety, I just have to accept that it is part of my daily challenge.

Obviously, I am better, because when depression is not under control, there is nothing that I can do ... till the meds work again, etc. So, I am enjoying the good times. Hugs to all of you, we are not alone.

Was very busy at work today. For the first couple of hours, not much going on. But then I got slammed after that. Well, that was alright with me. I had a headache all day. I don't know where it came from. I worked out later this afternoon. I thought that I might not be able to do it because of the headache. It seemed like the headache went away because of working out.

I talked to my friend tonight. His wife is gone for the weekend. I could have joined him tonight, but I had too much going on to go over to his place. We plan on getting together tomorrow. I hope it happens and goes well. I feel like it's a premium to be able to get together with him because it does not happen that much.

Right now, I feel anxious about next Thursday with having skin cancer surgery. I'm not looking forward to it. I wish that I didn't have that coming up for me. It feels like killjoy having to do this.

I hope everything goes really well with that surgery. I've had friends in the past who had that done and they made it seem like the surgery wasn't too bad. Good luck.

I'm feeling a little bit nervous but am happy to be at my daughter's. I know that I always have a good time when I'm at her house. She's going to do my nails for me. I'm excited about that. And we will do a little shopping. We're going to an arts and crafts show too..

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Christ! I am getting so effing fat

Having a bad day... The only reason I haven't given into any urges is because my parents are home. I guess it's a blessing in disguise...I just can't see it.

having a fairly good day.

actually even tried a new food (coconut) which i never had before

i often wonder (and can sometimes feel), what years of overeating has done for me.

not a lot of good..

I'm feeling so depressed and lonely. It hurts so much.
I just don't belong on this world. With everyone, everywhere, I feel like I'm from another planet. I feel like I'm not like other people and I feel that others feel that too and that's why everyone stays away from me.

just need to accept i'll always be inadequate

I had a very good day yesterday. I was very occupied for the whole day and evening. I had spent time with my friend from noon to a little after 9:00 last night. We had some good talks and it was a good time to get some things off my chest. And for him to do that, too. It didn't all go perfectly, though. There were some things he had said that hurt me a little bit. But it was OK and at least I got to get my feedback in. Another thing that made it not so perfect was that we went out to eat and the food was terrible. I don't go out to eat very often.

Today, I don't have much lined up. My friend will be busy today, so we won't get together. But that's OK. I got stuff to do myself.

I think my bf is getting ready to dump me soon. I know it's hard being around me because I still have so many days of being depressed. I don't think he can understand, sometimes he hints that his being in my life should make my depression go away, or at least be much better. It must be a chemical imbalance because I've had several things that are good happen, and I still feel so miserable. Anxiety is really getting to me, all these years of taking benzos so they don't really work unless I take more than I should. Sometimes I envy my mother who is likely not going to live long, at least she can know she won't suffer much longer in this crazy world.

I kept myself busy today. Socially, a big difference between yesterday and today. Yesterday I had someone with me for almost the whole day just to talk to and it was nice. Today, nothing.

I took a two hour bike ride today. Went to the pool area after dinner but didn't go in because it looked very unappealing. It can be like that sometimes down there.

Morning. Time for me to get ready to school.
Don't feel like going. Just not have that much to tell.
Like I realize, binge watching a new series, I may have people that love me, but I just can't feel it, more a less the same way I can't feel reality. I identify somewhat with the main character of this show... But every people expect the character to change, to realize her problems, to growth and learn to like herself. And certainly it is going for that. But a realistic story would be a person always with issues, having a hard time to ditch the sick behaviors patterns and thinking style and never getting to be a balanced healthy one. Because change the way we are, independently of beeing aware of what needs to be changed it is a very hard thing to do and beeing normal is an impossible goal. This what is realistic but people would never fall for a fantasy like this. Are there really happy endings?

Had the greatest weekend ever. We got out and did a bunch of really fun stuff and I felt great. Then I woke up today anxious and sad. I just wish this depression would finally go away.

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I keep coming back to my ex not wanting me. I think it has to do with never having a firm ground of love to grow from. maybe I should embrace the chaos of just having little bit of love that sometimes came when I was little. This is my life now, I have friends, a beautiful man to date, kids that are grown up - good things, but nothing I can hold on to, or count on to make plans with and I don't think I ever will. I keep eating food to keep me anchored to the earth. This is a good chaos, I have control over where I live and what I do, now that I am an adult.

I feel burnt out and numb at the same time. I have zero motivation to get any work done in the office today. 5 more days of work and then on vacation for a while.

Why is this thread talking about Christmas?

Feeling more at ease as things have changed for better