my totally worthless life story

Over the course of the last 2 years or so have been some of the worse times of my life.
I'll tell you why but first I will give a brief history.

Im 31 years old I married at 18 had 2 wonderful children and was divorced at age 25, for reasons
of just being too young.
Then I meet my "wonderful ::rollseyes:: future ex husband" #2 right as the divorce is going through.
I fell very much fell crazy in love with him and for a while things were really good.
However he was not much help to me around the house, yard
and started to become emotional and verbal abusive and started getting on to me and correcting me as if I were a child. I started watching my mouth b/c I was scared I would say something wrong
and get yelled at. I became very passive not making decisions for myself b/c in his eyes I
was unable to make a my own decisions so this I started to believe. It quickly became to
where I was controlled I hated him for this
yet I still was deeply in love with him. and why??? He was very self fish if there was one
seat left in a crowded room he would leave me standing. When he moved in
with me in 01' he took over my brand new computer and suggest I use his old one. He'd always get the nicer of everything, and usually I was paying for it. =/
It must be nice to feel that deserving of "everything in life" .
I however did everything he
asked me to do, from him not wanting to
get up from his chair and calling me from another room to pick something from off the floor, to fetching him a drink!
To taking on all of the yard and house work responsibleness b/c he was too damn lazy to help me.
I was being teated like %#@&#!. In the back of my mind I knew it seemed wrong but since I loved him so
much I thought it was ok. He totally warped my presumption of the meaning of love.
We married in 04 however soon after "I do" he begin his interest with other girls.
After this is when the dramatic %#@&#! hits the fan it was on and off and I hated life I put up
with it and begged and pleaded with him not to do this to me. I was so good to him and did everything right! Why did I deserve this? He caused me so much emotional and
verbal anguish that I seriously didn't want to live. Life was hell he threated me and turned ppl against me, and for what " being a good wife"? I wouldn't eat for periods of time
I looked sick b/c thats how I felt I started to drink way too much way too often. During one of our
breakups of about 3 months I meant someone else started dating it was amazing to have someone
to treat me so well and respect me, I was scared but It was nice. Stupidly though I soon fell for one of the fits of my husband wanting me back, and
decided to try and make things work however the damage was done things were better and he treated
me better but it was to late. I left my husband a few month's later and picked up dating the other person
I had left behind he's wonderful to me and I have never been treated so well, I am 6 months preg. with
his child and couldn't be happier However my self esteem is so low at times I don't feel like to
deserve to be with him.
My current finical situation doesn't make it easy either
I ended up leaving my secure job when I got back with my ex due to moving. So when I left him I
was unable to get this job back and now I have had 2 or 3 very low paying jobs and one that just didn't
work out.
So now I do feel as if I am a burden on my boyfriend he does a lot for me I don't ask for it but
I think he almost might feel obligated I dunno? He tells me I am the best thing that ever happen
to him and I don't see it how can I be a good thing to someone anymore?
I am finding myself wanting push him away at time plus the prego hormones just
add to it. I gave so much of myself all that I thought I ever was to my ex I sometimes wonder if there is any part of me left.
I feel totally worthless tired and used.
lam scared I am going to end up ruining a good thing b/c I cant get over these feelings of feeling so down on myself. I don't know what to do I have bad dreams about my ex he haunts me. I started talking to him to possibly get back w/ him when I was about 2 months pregnant , but I didn't I still almost feel under his control I haven't spoken to him in months which is a good thing for me. I do think I am forever broken and don't know which way is up or down.

I dunno why I just sat and wrote this but thx for reading

Indigo

I hope just by putting it all down in a post you are feeling some relief from the guilt.

Maybe you can find some counseling or support to get you through the really rough times. I imagine money is a problem (it is for me) but sometimes help is available in unexpected place.

For the most part we aren't mental professionals (some are) but regardless people here are willing to listen. And it's a great place to vent, share your sorrow, play silly games and just chat with others. All things that may make your life a little easier to bear.

It sounds like you have been severely hurt by your ex-husband. It will probably take a long time to recover from all of that. From what you have said about this current guy, I think he will be there for you as you recover. I hope that he tells you that YOU DESERVE TO HAVE GOOD THINGS IN YOUR LIFE. I hope you don't mind my "hollering" that at you but that is something that I am not sure you are even able to hear at this time. I hope you find a good T to talk to about this. I think a good T could help you to recover from the he** of your previous marriage. Please be patient with your own progress no matter how slow it may be. It is okey to talk to a T. Therapy can be a wonderful experience if you find the right T (shop around) and work hard at it.
You sound like a very loyal wife and I think a man would be lucky to have someone who is willing to stand by their side as long as possible (when reasonable not when you own mental health is at sake).

God love ya....

Take the time to heal and enjoy the love that you share now...and that wonderful life you are bring into the world.

You'll be able to get back to work when your ready...just enjoy.....life's to short and precises to worry about yesterdays.

GodBless
SpringStar

Indigosky--

I hear you and I am listening. I feel your pain and i understand. You are worth it and you will be okay. It takes time but you are here now and you have support all around you. Hold on to that when you feel so low. You are good and worthy. I hope you will keep on posting as it helps to get it out. Take care of yourself and the baby. Hold on to the love you have now. I know you can do this. We are all here to stand by you and offer a hand of friendship anytime.

purplesecrets

thank you all so much for the support, I was seeing a pastor for counsel a few months ago but had to stop b/c he's in another town and gas got to be too high to be doing any extra driving aside from work.
So I think finding this forum is the best thing for me right now, and I
am so glad I did.
It did help to get my thoughts out . I just cant wait for the day that I don't look back so often.