[BackseatBoss]

Hey guys,

This is my first time writing on this forum and all I ask is for some support and some good advice. If you could offer any of these two, I'll greatly appreciate it. So, here's my story.

About a year ago, I was happy. When I say happy, I mean super happy. I was studying and getting good grades, I was a VP in a student organization, it seemed like I had a bunch of friends, had a ****** job, but it helped me pay the bills, met my girlfriend whom I madly fell in love with. It was amazing and I thought that I finally am living the life that most normal people experience.

However, then things started to gradually change for the worse. First I was completely scammed with a new place that I moved to. Then I pretty much a few days later lost my job, so there was no income coming in. To top it all off, I had to hand in my thesis in slightly over a month. So to say the least, I had a lot of stress on my shoulders, since finding a place to stay in the city that I live in is incredibly hard, especially if you have no income coming in. However, I managed to do all of that through a lot of hard work. However, this cost me another thing, I had to drop out of my Master studies, since if I didn't receive any income, I will have to move back home, which was my biggest fear (I was studying in a foreign country where they don't speak English and I haven't mastered the local language, which is why there are so much difficulties with finding a job). That was something that I absolutely had to do in order to receive money from the government and it's something that I still am very ashamed of.

So that was one thing. The next thing was that I was fired from the student organization. I had a lot of disagreements with the president and she in the end fired pretty much the entire executive board. So now I was left without a job, without a student job, without having something to study. Basically with nothing to do for at least a year. That's when my depression kicked in full force.

I started becoming more of a shut in. All of the people that I considered my friends disappeared and I was left completely alone in a foreign land. Well, almost alone, I still had my girlfriend with me. Thankfully she's very smart and she knows a lot about depression, her family has dealt with depression, so she provided a lot of support and kinda was a kick in the *** that I needed to get out of my bed some days. I also knew that in the beginning of January she is going to leave to South America for 3.5 months and I was unsure what is going to happen with us. To me at first it seemed like we're going to try the long distance route, since it's only 3.5 months, I've known a bunch of couples that were fine with studying on exchange and staying together, so it should be fine, right? Well, my girlfriend thought otherwise.

In September I got to know that she is going to break up with me in January. That was because she had a really bad experience with her ex and doing the long distance relationship thing. I of course tried my hardest to change her mind, since it's only 3.5 months, but she's really stubborn. Now I know what most of you are thinking "if I was you and got to know that she's planning to break up with you, I'd dump her right there and then". You might be right, but you have to see my perspective. For me she was literally the only support that I had left. She was the only one that I could talk to about my depression, the only one that I could hang out with in general. We both loved each other and we still do. It's really hard to explain to outsiders, but she's just really different from most people when it comes to relationships. And finally, there was this thing that we said that once she comes back, we'll try again. We'll see what happens, but we'll try again.

However, my depression only got worse and worse, it has even put me in the place of saying that I might kill myself to her. I'm pretty sure that I would have not done that, it was probably more a cry for help and some attention. My depression started to take its toll and she could feel the effects of it in full force. She said that she also started to feel depressed much more often, which in the end made me feel even worse.

The last day we spent together before she left, we pretty much spent crying in each others arms. I could not believe that it's ending this way as well as her. We still said that we will try once she comes back, but I know damn well that my depression is not going to help the chances of it. She also asked me to not write her every day, which was something that I really got saddened by. She explained it as a way for her to clear her head a little bit and get a break from my depression for a bit. I understood what she meant.

So I gave her that space. At least I tried. For the first month I was writing to her every three days or so, which was fine for her. However, for me it was huge pain. Imagine having your only real support you had in life just going far far away from you and you cannot really reach her anymore. I also started to search for ways to socialize and meet new people, because I thought that maybe if I get new friends, it's going to help me cope with my depression. However, when you're not studying or working, making new friends is incredibly difficult. So now I spend days when I have no reason at all to leave my room as well as I have noone to talk to. All of this lead to me becoming really paranoid about her. I just started imagining all of the worst ways she can hurt me, constantly imagining her sleeping with other guys, even though she's not that kind of a girl to be whoring around or anything. And that paranoia led me to have a huge panic attack.

That panic attack happened last Monday. I was feeling so bad, that I called her. And when we talked, I was just at my worst. Crying, mumbling, saying things I shouldn't. Made us both cry. She did manage to calm me down, but in the end I knew that I ****ed up. A few days later I explained that I simply cannot break contact for such long stretches, I have to talk to her. If I don't, my depression gets absolutely terrible. She said that we can talk more often if it's going to help me. However, I know that she would've preferred me give her the space.

I was doing well after that, at least that's what I thought. Until today. Today I came back home a few hours before, with tears running down my cheeks. I made a stupid move, panicked and called her again. This time I think I went overboard. I was not only talking about how I'm feeling, but also about thoughts of hurting myself, how she's the only one I can talk to, only one that I can motivate myself to do something for and so on. She was crying almost as much as I was and said "you have to stop doing this to me". By this she meant calling her and talking about all of those dark thoughts. But I have no idea who to turn to. I promised her that I will never call her to talk about those things again and will try to find someone else to talk to. I'll try doing that, but I'm terrified that I won't be able to find someone. And in the end, I know that this stupid talk really decreased our chances of getting back together.

So in the end, I'm terrified. In a year I pretty much lost everything. Friends, job, studies, social life, now losing the only girl that I love. I know that those two calls will come to bite me in the ***. However, I need to make sure that there won't be any more calls like that again, because if that happens, there will be absolutely no chance whatsoever of getting back. She's literally the only thing that I haven't lost yet due to depression. I'm terrified of losing her completely, because that would mean that the last person I care about when I wake up in the morning is gone from my life. I don't know what I would do in that case.

I really don't know what was the point of this thread to be honest with you. It's mostly emotional drivel that I wrote while fighting away my tears. I hope you can understand what I wrote and let me vent for a little. I just need some mental support and thought that maybe joining a forum like this would help me deal with it when I'm in the most pain. Any and all support is very welcome from all of you guys.

I'm sorry you are going through so much. I think that drastically reducing your contact with your ex is healthy for you - it will hurt more at first, but it is for the best.

With all the other things going on - I can see how that feels overwhelming. Try to pace yourself.

Things will improve for you over time. You are going through a major rough patch right now. Perhaps see a therapist to get the support you need instead of calling your ex.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

The title of this thread caught my attention.

You really didn't get yourself into this situation. Bad stuff happened to you and it was not your doing. Don't blame yourself, please.

You may need some help to jump start you back on the right track, but it's really not something you should put on your ex (as you know). I get how emotions can make you do and say stuff that you can, even an hour or two later, logically wonder at. I have done it. I am sure everyone else has, too.

Are you still at school? Are you considered enrolled even though have finished your thesis? If so, is there some counselling available to you? I think it is crucial to you to find someone to guide you through this.

I wish I had more words or better words or something more encouraging to say.

[BackseatBoss]

Thanks for the replies guys. Well, I am seeing a psychologist more or less once a week. But still, I don't know if that's enough as well as I don't really know if I can call her, because maybe I'd have to pay for that as well, and psychologists are insanely expensive where I live and I don't think I could afford going there more often, because I would probably not have enough money to buy food.

I've tried cutting myself off of my ex, but it just got my depression so bad, that I was feeling as if a panic attack is about to come, but it never did. And I couldn't fall asleep. And couldn't concentrate. Until my panic attack came, and then I called my ex. So cutting myself completely off when I don't really have anyone else to talk to is not really an option.

I'm no longer enrolled in the school, because I graduated this past summer. I will enroll once again and become a student in September, so sadly at the moment can't really ask for the school's help.

But I really appreciate your guys response. Just knowing that someone else might've been in a similar situation in one way or another is a little bit more comforting, which sounds really messed up.

[besmith818]

I recently went through a huge change in my life too, not quite as intense as yours...but my depression and anxiety helped to end the most caring, loving relationship I had ever been in. I moved to AZ to be with her and everything was amazing for 3 months. I had a really bad couple days with a depressive episode and she just couldn't handle it (which I totally understand). I got kicked out, had to quit my job because of no other place to live, and had to return home to NH and now I'm just beginning to try to lift myself back up. I guess all I'm saying is, I can relate in a way. It's hard for me not to call her still, but it is better with distance for both of us, and I guess still being in love with her...I want the best for her. Being depressed and alone is not easy, I understand very well.
Finding a counselor is really tough, especially with no income...but maybe it will help if you can talk to someone professionally. I really hope things do improve for you. It is a tough spot that you're in...I'm sending well-wishes your way and hoping you can find the help you need.
Wish I could say more to help! Take care of yourself!

[BackseatBoss]

Thanks for the replies guys. It really means a lot to feel any kind of support, so really, thank you.

I wish I could just end all the contact with her, but when I tried doing that, it all just ended up worsening my whole condition. I started feeling constantly like I'm about to suffer a panic attack for like 5 days straight, couldn't really sleep at night, and finally I got that panic attack really badly and called her. So yeah, cutting all contact for me is not really a choice sadly. Even though I feel depressed, I still feel calmer just by being able to stay in some contact with her.

I am actually seeing a psychologist now as well and even her tip was to not break contact with her, because it's making my condition much worse. I meet with my psychologist about once every week, actually wish I could do it more often, but I really could not afford that. Psychologists are insanely expensive in the country I live in and if I tried doing it more often, I'd not have enough money to even buy some bread. And I'm kinda afraid of calling my psychologist when I feel bad, because I have no idea, maybe she will have to charge me for that or something. I haven't asked her about that actually, but I have a meeting with her today, and that's definitely going to be a question of mine to her.

I am no longer enrolled in my school, because I graduated last summer. I will start studying for my Masters again in September, but until then I can't really get any help from them.

Again, thanks for all the replies. I appreciate every single one of them.

Originally Posted by BackseatBoss

Thanks for the replies guys. Well, I am seeing a psychologist more or less once a week. But still, I don't know if that's enough as well as I don't really know if I can call her, because maybe I'd have to pay for that as well, and psychologists are insanely expensive where I live and I don't think I could afford going there more often, because I would probably not have enough money to buy food.

I've tried cutting myself off of my ex, but it just got my depression so bad, that I was feeling as if a panic attack is about to come, but it never did. And I couldn't fall asleep. And couldn't concentrate. Until my panic attack came, and then I called my ex. So cutting myself completely off when I don't really have anyone else to talk to is not really an option.

I'm no longer enrolled in the school, because I graduated this past summer. I will enroll once again and become a student in September, so sadly at the moment can't really ask for the school's help.

But I really appreciate your guys response. Just knowing that someone else might've been in a similar situation in one way or another is a little bit more comforting, which sounds really messed up.

I have felt all of the thing that you have felt...the panic attacks, the anxiety, the loss of sleep (and sometimes the emotions just make you sleep-as if it's some kind of protection for your brain).
I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in these feelings.

[brkn2ice]

Definitely not alone !... I am going through similar circumstances and it can be hard not to call that person or want to lean on the person whom has always made you feel safe. Unfortunately when we do those types of things it can take an emotional toll on the other person and they will want to pull away because they can't handle their own feelings or fix your situation . They can get exhausted from the emotional pull.
You are in a good support place here at pc , maybe when you feel that strong need to talk to her you can come in here and talk with us.

[Artchic528]

Backseat, I too had trouble letting go of the past, the pain, and that led to anxiety that kept me up all night long.

Maybe this article can help you. It's written by our very own forum host, DocJohn and is about how to let go. I followed the steps and feel completely at ease and at peace now. I hope it does the same for you.

Learning to Let Go of Past Hurts: 5 Ways to Move On | World of Psychology

[Fuzzybear]