Feeling Worse Every Day

I'm angry with myself today. I knew I should've called yesterday to try and get in to see t next week, but I didn't. And they're closed today. I just want to curl up and cry today.

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Would you be able to arrange to see t each week?

Probably, I just never asked. It took the last couple weeks for me to finally admit how ****ed up I am.

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your not ##### up...
we just need a little extra care

like a bugatti - we have to be more careful and need to be taken care of more than a little ol'ford...

My guess is that if I were to come to know your story, I would say that you are starting to realize how hurt you really are.

I don't even think I've touched how deep it all goes. I've never really taken care of myself, which probably has made it worse. I'm scared. I'm so afraid that I'll just fall apart if I stop trying to push forward.

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try not to dig too deep by yourself... use T as a guide...
i avoid digging because i cant deal with what i find alone...
dont stop trying to move forward.. just take your time you know...
its not a race... dont over do yourself ya know...

I'm good at over doing things. Sometimes I wish I could just stop everything, and just take a few weeks or something to just relax and just be. I don't know how to relax tho.

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How aware do you think T is of how deep it all goes?

i over think and analyze everything too but i end up disconnecting my mind some how not in a good way though i dont think? in a trance like alot of times
its hard to relax so i just try to distract myself as much as possible - you have work and boyfrined stuff though that i dont have to stress over... i just hide as much as possible

you are hanging in there though and that kind of inspires me that maybe one day i can get out there and handle more stress eventually...
you're stronger than you think

give yourself a little credit for these achievements

She's not as aware as I am.

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What would you think of letting her know?

I think I need to at this point.

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I know that you wanted to get one next week. When is your next scheduled appointment?

The 6th.

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Maybe you could still get an appointment for next week.

I'm going to call first thing Monday morning.

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I went shopping today. Holy achievement. Hadn't left the apartment in almost 48 hours. Bf and I went to Michael's to get some cross stitching supplies. I'm suddenly obsessed with it, and it distracts me. So bf loves it, he spent his last $20 on supplies for me.

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Bf sounds like a trouper.

I'm glad that cross-stitching is helpful!

thats great, go with it, enjoy it, im glad you have found something to distract you for a little while

I think I'm ok today. I even went to the store by myself this morning, to pick up some cough syrup. My sinuses have been acting up lately. There have been a lot of people in and out of the building today, making me a little uncomfortable. I think it's the people upstairs finishing moving out. I don't really like it tho.

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False alarm. Bf went to look at a bike with a friend, and I started having a panic attack. It lasted until he got home. I finally caved and took a klonopin. I've been trying to power through to avoid the rebound anxiety, but I don't have anything else.

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i know i dont handle anxiety / stress well.. well i dont handle most thigns very well hehe so i know how annoying and frustrating it is to feel like maybe making some progress only to be smacked in the face ...
but i try not to fall on my dirty coping skills and try to use healthier skills as much as possible... its just i dont have many healthy ones, but the biggest one i have is the music stuff...
i dont remember if i asked you about it already or not but even if you aren't musically inclined/talented it can be fun to play around with some of the stuff sometimes... and if you spend more time with it can actualyl start making little songs and thats what i try to do...
its hard to do during high anxiety or panic attack.. but i listen to some of the songs i did before sometimes during those moments and it kind of brings me back down enough to try to do a little with the music... and if i can get ditracted with the music then it help calm me down...
i use fruity loops but there are lots of programs out there that are good for beginners or whatever...

of course you probably will have to play around with it a few times while you are feeling calm to learn the controls and stuff because it will be impossible to try to learn while you are panicking....

i will try to look for some easy online software for beginners if you want, i dont know any easy ones right off top of my head..
but here is a sample of what i mean.. i did this one while really stressed .. and im not a professional or anything so dont judge me too hard.. but its something i try to do to keep myself from hurting myself