Feeling Worse Every Day

That is an idea, thanks.

I just can't function. I've been locked in my office for the last 3 1/2 hours just crying. I can't do anything. My vacation wasn't relaxing, it was terrible. Everything is terrible. I just want to go home and curl up in bed. I don't know what to do.

I'm still shaking and crying. I hate this. I can't do anything. I thought things were supposed to start getting better after last week, but I just feel worse.

When you cannot function, how much of the nonfunctionality seems like anxiety, how much seems like depression?

I think it starts with anxiety, then depression. When it's really bad (the freezing up I mentioned Monday) it's definitely anxiety.

do you have PTSD psychnitrous?

do you see a therapist? i cant remember if i asked already...
my memory is really ... heh i dont have a memory i should say :/

i know how you feel though..
cant remember if you said you can only smoke on the weekends, but if not, can you focus on the evening and getting that one "guilty" pleasure?

i know it wont make it all better but maybe it can help distract you a little to help a little... i used to do that... like when i go to an appointment i would get through it by saying i will have some beers and smoke when i get home... keeping my focus on that instead of the stress and anxiety of having to do the appointments...

I agree with the idea of speaking to pdoc about other options. Given how difficult everything is, I would suggest contacting the pdoc soon, as opposed to waiting the two months to your next appointment.

I don't know if I have PTSD or not. I've been through some crap, but nothing I'd classify as anywhere near as bad as others go through. I do see a therapist, every other week. I'm going to call tomorrow to see if she has anything open next week.

As a matter of fact, we just started smoking tonight. I've been taking advantage of being able to do that more often lately, it's a great distraction.

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I'm already planning on calling tomorrow to see if I can see t next week again. I was talking to my supervisor this afternoon and she mentioned that it's not uncommon to crash off klonopin and have even more anxiety. I don't even want to take anymore now.

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smoking really does help, dunno why they dont realize how beneficial it can be for some people because everyone has different reactions to any kind of medicine...

well ... anyone can develop PTSD... even if you think the things weren't that bad compared to other people, that doesnt matter... what matters is how your mind handled it.. im not suggesting that you have it, but you never know... it might be part of the severity of these symptoms you have ongoing... im no professional so i say MIGHT in capital letters ya know
just may be something you could ask your therapist about... for me i have so many triggers because of PTSD...
atleast i think thats why... i really need a therapist :/

about the crashing on klonopin - i think its called rebound anxiety... but im not sure why you would be having that so soon.. maybe your anxiety is really severe - mine is like that and i would still have anxiety/panic even while shoving more in my mouth

seeing T is a good idea, try to take it easy... sometimes we wont let ourselves feel better because we feel like if we did then we would be ignoring a problem or something like that? not really sure ... but i think i end up doing that sometimes by accident...

hang in there

I left work early. I got a hold of my supervisor right before she left. I don't know if I'll go tomorrow or not. I'm going to apply for FMLA at work.

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I agree. I feel like I've looked over the diagnostic criteria for PTSD and it seemed to almost fit, but I really try to avoid self-diagnosis.

I KNEW I'd heard the term rebound anxiety before. That's exactly how I've been describing it. And bf agrees that every time last weekend I came down from the klonopin, I had a panic attack.

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FMLA should be helpful, give you some time away from stressors at work right !

yeah it sucks to start getting rebound anxiety.. anxiety sucks completely in general
but did you know that wellbutrin can exacerbate anxiety in some people? not sure if the wellbutrin could be making it worse for you - i hope not!

i try not to self diagnose too... but honestly, i did a little thing in the beginning before i got far into treatment with the clinic where i put together a list of what i think i may be experiencing after extensive research... and guess what, after these evaluations and corrections to my diagnosis, i was totally 100% right even down to the avpd stuff - if they would of just listened to me in the beginning i could of saved alot of money and time and heart ache grrr !!

i even showed the list to my therapist at that time and she was like oh boy, and gave me the little short speach about trying to not self diagnose and then grabbed her dsm and read to me the avpd stuff and she said lets just say you dont have avpd because you dont want to have that!

i just like researching things that are important to me

oh and also definitely look into the ptsd... its worth a look at atleast..

Pain is pain, hurt is hurt.

I didn't know that about the wellbutrin. I would hope since it's one doc prescribing both he'd minimize risk. But you never know. I wish I could just see our pdoc at work!

I will look into the PTSD.

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I'm debating whether or not to go to work tomorrow. I hate not going, but I guess I could use it. I don't know what to do.

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well, would you feel better staying at home? be able to distract yourself at home?
or would you be more distracted at work? i would say thats how i would decide.. which ever way i could try to distract myself more so i dont think about symptoms too much

this psychology stuff is mind boggling
its like there is no definite to anything, everything could be anything or nothing or all ...
its so different for each person it seems , i guess our personality plays a role in how symptoms manifest?

im not making any sense right now , just think you should try to do what you can to keep yourself busy to distract your mind as much as possible - distraction is hard sometimes though, i surely know that!

( my mind is in a different mode - probably off mode )
i feel liberated, but i really cant feel anything so ... yay
im so crazy !!!

I'm staying home tomorrow. I can't function like this. Now I'm just worried about the fmla. Online it says it's unpaid leave, but I can't lose my income. I don't know what to do.

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you dont have any sick days? or maybe can you use future days?
i dunno how it works...

i wish there was something i could do to make you feel better...

I'm calmed down a little and thinking about that. I have about a month of sick days for the year, and I won't use more than a handful of those. Or I may be able to still get paid because I'm salary. Or maybe I can take part time leave and just work some doing filing or something. I don't know. My supervisor is going to get a hold of me tomorrow when she has the paperwork, so I'll go talk to her then.

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i just wrote this on another thread probably one of the more inspiring posts i have wrote, will copy it to you...

depression tries to take away everything we have, it will take away all our feelings - leaving the pain to confuse us, to make us doubt everything, and to strip us of our self respect, strip us of any type of faith or hope

depression is a beast that we must slay, some how, eventually... but until we can kill depression the beast, we have to wound it and slow it down, we have to stun it and blind it, try to make it disorientated so that we can regain a foothold, to take a moments rest and regain some strength

i wish i could say there is a cheat code to defeating it, or that the beast has a weakness... but i don't know it
because i have my depression beast that i am kicking tooth and nail with, i think they are all different and all must be defeated differently.. because our insides are different... the only thing i know that is the same for us is that we can't give up, this beast can't win! we have to fight it harder than anything, fight harder than most people fight their whole lives 10 fold... we have to be stronger than superman, and faster than the flash... we have to remind ourselves that this beast will take over our mind and make us think these negative things about everything...
it is psychological warfare.... this is a beast that must be destroyed and i for one wont let it win and wont rest until im standing over its bloody corpse

i am really sorry that you are struggling... i know how it is, it is a moment to moment thing... i go back and forth, i fight and fight... but everyone gets weak, and we need to regain our strength and our balance...
depression doesn't like it when we are kind to ourselves... when we are gentle...
this stuns the beast... you have to stun the beast to regain some strength so you can fight back...

please stay strong, keep full speed ahead, we shall prevail...

Thanks for that, it's inspiring I feel ashamed of my depression. It's hard to feel like I'm not faking it or just not trying hard enough.

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yeah,,, i feel that way alot too... i've also noticed alot of others here also feel that way from time to time...

you arent faking it, you're genuinely hurt...
to me its no different than chronic pain sufferer...
we feel shame... they feel shame too... they wish they could be better and do the things they once did... and we too... they are disabled... and we too...
only difference is... if you take a handful of painpills... the pain can subside maybe a bit... but take a handfull of antidepressants and antipsychotics... and you end up in the hospital for a while...

sorry about last night... i was out of my mind again hehe :/
im really starting to feel crazy insane, do you deal with that too..?
its scary i think all of my comorbidities are just pushing me over the edge though.. so if i ever act weird or say something off dont pay any attention..
guess just have to keep on swimming though...

It's ok about last night. I used to get like that, but this time around I haven't been depressed long enough.

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I did dishes today, and started fixing my cross stitch. That's it.

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