Feeling Worse Every Day

yeah they looked at me like i was just trying to get a prescription pad >.>

but i've never liked taking medicine anyway so i had to educate myself... i obsess over it a little bit too much probably... but i can't really help it... i tend to obsess over things that are important to me

i never requested specific medications though but i guess because i was explaining things in certain ways they thought i was trying to lead them to specific drugs...
i asked them a few times for a stimulant and just wanted to get back on klonopin but they wouldn't give the klonopin back even though they agreed i could go back on them after a break, which i requested taking a vacation from the klonopin to lower my tolerance... and eventually they said they would let me try the stimulant but i would have to sign this contract thing... stating that i would pick medicine up at the clinic and take like alot of random drug tests - and if i had any alcohol or marijuana in my system i would lose medications and hurt my chances at ssdi or something like that... i was just like, nah im not gonna sign any contracts... that was the last appointment i went to i think - they treated me like a drug addict no body like i was malingering and all i was trying to do was be as specific as possible to focus on whats going on with me so i could get better, not just take drugs to hide the problems :/ but they dont want you to get better they just want you to keep coming back confused and doped on the drugs they want you to be doped on...

i dunno if they put malingering in my reports or not but the psychologist i saw in feb. made it a point to put in the report that he didnt think i was malingering and that i was in dire need of help in severe condition and making a "cry for help" type responses on the tests

the only medications i really want are the klonopin and stimulant for my thinkinking to clear up... i need an antidepressant or somethign but none of them work so im probably gonna have to go back on an antipsychotic for that... APs just scare me because of those side effects they can cause... zyprexa SUCKS - doesnt help much for me and makes me gain weight like a blimp - seroquel is ok but it makes me passout when i take it and is big pill... when they put me on trilafon i was already on so many i have no idea what that one did... the depakote is just something i dont think anyone should take unless they are having mania or maybe suicidal or something... its dope-a-kote for sure...
medications are tricky and they can effect each person a little differently... so i guess it really is a trial and error kind of processs... thats what they kept telling me atleast, since cant really be sure how its going to effect you or if its going to help...

but i didnt have any side effects on seroquel besides it making me sleep ( which i was having really bad insomnia so that helped at the time) it didnt make me gain anyweight... although it can make some people gain weight... it helped with the depression and anxiety a bit, wasn't a knockout like the klonopin but atleast you dont build a tolerance so much to it?

have you heard of vistaril(hydroxyzine)?
its a non-narcotic medication that they give to some patients to help with anxiety, it helps some people.. its not as potent as the klonopin but maybe something you could ask about? i dont think you build a tolerance to it too fast .. its an antihistamine

severe anxiety will make your depression worse in my experience... need to try to get it under control asap...

have you tried taking a hydrocodone or something?
opioids have a relaxing effect on me... they help my depression too... but they make me sick so i dont like taking them...

do you drink alot of caffiene? can try to cut those things out for a little while too since it can stimulate those parts of your brain and make anxiety worse...

i wish i knew some fool proof ways to handle anxiety but i struggle alot with it too so i really dont know any cures or anything... especially if its being induced by new medications

just try to breathe and slow your thoughts down... i've had anxiety and panic attacks for so long that when it happens to me anymore that i still remain somewhat calm and am able to kind of "drive" myself to the curb and rest till it passes... but can't always just dissapear and take a few minutes to recollect your self...

Anxieties.com | STEP 4: Practice Your Breathing Skills
check this site out

I need to do some research into meds for anxiety. I don't really know anything about them. I've never taken them before, and I never really needed them until now. But it is making my depression worse, I wish there was something I could do right now.

I don't drink much caffeine period, it disturbs my sleep. I usually have a cup of coffee in the morning and that's it.

I've taken hydrocodone before for pain, it didn't really do anything for me. Opiates either don't affect me, or they really **** me up, depending on the type. Even a low dose will knock me out. I had to sign a contract when I was on them too, not something I'm a fan of since I smoke. I'd like to say that I would refuse opiates if the doc offered, but I have a pretty addictive personality so I don't know if I would.

I'm so tired. Everything feels like so much work. I got a little flurry of energy and finished up some things I needed to get done, but now I just feel empty. It's so hard to even write this. I have so much left to do today and all I want to do is close my eyes and go to sleep.

Finally heard back from the doc. He's switching me to lorazepam. I wish they had called earlier so I could've picked it up tonight, but I'll have to do it before work tomorrow.

did he say what he thought was going on? or what changing to lorazepam might help?
what about the wellbutrin thing

i never liked ativan... didnt really feel much from it... its supposed to be fast acting / shorter lasting (if i remember) i think klonopin is stronger... lasts longer...
does he think that you were having a paradoxical reaction to the klonopin?
i hope the change helps though

All good questions, but I didn't even actually talk to the doc. I got a call from a receptionist to stop the klonopin and pick up this prescription. I'm not hugely surprised to be treated like this by a md, it's happened before.

Last night the lorazepam seemed to work pretty well. It kicked in fast, about the same as the klonopin, and I felt relaxed. I did get some anxiety at one point, but it was from thinking about a certain thing (I forget what it was). As soon as I started thinking about something different, the anxiety went away and I was relaxed again. As long as there is no rebound anxiety on this one, I think it's going to be good. I haven't taken one yet today, but my anxiety has been coming and going. I woke up for some reason 2 hours before my alarm worried about money, and now that I'm at work it's starting to get worse.

Yesterday at my before-work meeting I mentioned, we talked about how things have been affecting my feelings about work. I said that not being able to function here makes me feel like I made the wrong choice in careers, like I really fooled myself into thinking that I could handle this type of work. M, the woman I meet with, said that she doesn't think it means that at all, especially since I've had such bad anxiety at home too. She always makes me feel so much more confident about my work. It is frustrating though, that even day-to-day tasks at work make me so anxious and overwhelmed. I have to do things that push my comfort zone anyway, and lately it's been so much harder. Thankfully the HR person finally got me the paperwork for FMLA yesterday, so I can get that filled out the next time I see t. I don't know how much of it I will use, but it will be good protection if I need any time off. Thankfully too I can use any of my sick, vacation, or personal time, so my leave can be paid. Already I have a little over 3 weeks worth of paid time off, and I don't think I'll need that much.

I started journaling again last night. I had to wait for my XBox to update so I could watch something before bed, and I just kind of gave in about it. I've not done much of anything with the homework t has given me, and I've been blaming lack of motivation on my depression. But I do feel kind of bad for her about it. I know how much it bothers me when my client's do the same. Plus, I know it will work, and writing out goals and plans to meet them helps. I can't deny these things, so I guess I should just do it. I do want to feel better, right?

im glad that the ativan did something for you, i have taken it before and just didnt feel anything off it at all... but i guess my system is pretty strange when it comes to those things

we all want to feel better, but getting motivated to take those steps is tough... because its hard to believe that anything can help... but i have faced so many life changing belief changes that i've kind of learned not to believe in anything... just gotta do things... i like that saying yoda has - there is no try... there is only do and do not...


failing doesn't mean not doing... or accomplishing what we wanted.. cant fail until we stop "trying" .... then we are not doing - when we stop trying...

our minds can complicate things so much sometimes... i just try to "un-complicate" it by stripping away all of the layers that i wrap ideas in... leaving the core... the action that will show results... obviously i have a problem thinking of what to do because im stuck here too... but its different for everyone, we have to personalize our approach - my mind has gotten really good at fighting these advances from me... so often i think im doing the right thing only to turn around and be like, what was i thinking? tricked again!

i turn my brain off quite alot anymore... its not peaceful, its not chaotic, it just is not... i guess thats why my memory doesn't work because im not "conscious" sometimes.. or semi conscious, im aware but my brain is like "haha you wont trick me this time! *shuts down*"

know what i mean? i dunno if its a good thing or not but maybe you could try to do that... i dunno how i do it its been happening to me for so long... it doesnt make me feel better - it just makes me detach from the world and problems in a sense... i know they are still there but its like im not - eh i dunno how to explain, i am pretty crazy

i think your job is great... helping people makes me feel great...
i dont think that its so much your job causing these things... but something else going on in your mind that is... have you tried doing any soul searching..?
try to get to the root of what the anxiety is to you... dont do it constantly or too much because you dont want to aggravate it but maybe just try to take a few minutes when you are in bed at night to explore what anxiety is to you... its part of us so we have to try to understand it so we can make it better...

I think there is a lot of me that I haven't dealt with. I guess I've had some trauma, I've gone "crazy" and just done whatever I felt like for a while, and these days I really block all that out. It just hurts too much to think about. Like last night, my mind wandered back to my anxiety about a long-term client who initially reminded me of an abusive friend. Just thinking about that person still fills me with all these yucky feelings, because I've never dealt with the way he treated me. That's one reason I've been kind of wanting to start journaling again. This way I can have written down all the things that have happened in my past that I need to deal with, so I will remember them when I see t. Otherwise I get to our sessions and just go blank. Going through school the past few years I knew that I wasn't going to be able to completely block my past out forever, but I didn't have insurance most of that time so I never even bothered trying to find a therapist.

It seems benzos are similar to opiates for me. Different ones affect me differently. I've tried a handful of different opiates, and they all make me feel differently. That's how it seems to be going with the klonopin/lorazepam. Then again, I'm not 100% sure the lorazepam is going to stay better. Last night I took the first one, and went to bed before it wore off. Right now I'm doing ok, but it's only been a couple hours since I took one.

i totally understand that... when i tried therapy i would go blank too, it really sucks...

journalling is really good if you can get yourself to do it, just write it all out and get it all down... you can talk to T about it in bette detail then and i've even heard some people going through the ritual of burning those papers after will help them release it... but i dont know if that would work for me because my mind is just like "haha burn them if you want, cant burn them out of me!" but if it works for some then thats great

i would like to start journaling... but its hard for me because i guess like you i just wanna forget about it and push it out of my mind...
when you start writing things down like that it kind of makes moe stuff come to the surface, you start processing stuff... which is a good thing, you have to process it to move on from it... but it can be challenging... just have to be strong...

benzos are like that too, different people will have different reactions... i really like the valium, but i have only had like 2-3 of them to try... i have tried like 1 xanax and didnt feel anything on that... had a handful of ativan/lorazepam and didnt really feel anything on them either... the klonopin are ok ... but the valium seemed to really hit it deep and hard - valium has that skeletal relaxant property to it too and since i have alot of physical manifestation of my anxiety i think thats why it help more...

just have to do trial and error... be patient and keep working with your doc to try to find the right medications..
do you feel like that something that was ramping up the anxiety is a little better ?

those paradoxical effects from medications always intrigue me - not that they are good things but its just interesting how something can do the complete opposite

im really into how medications affect people too... so i like hearing about peoples experience with meds...

that ambien stuff always scared me though, all of those sleeping meds like that make me nervous, i've never taken any of them and i wont... i would rather get some Zzzzquil or whatever even though it doesnt work so great, i just feel more comfortable with that than taking those stronger things like ambien

you're doing great... just have to be patient with yourself and these meds...
im impressed that you are still working and getting things done, you're pretty amazing

I've journaled off and on forever. I start getting into it and eventually I just feel like I don't have the time, so I stop doing it. I think it's helpful though, and I do recommend it to people who are having problems.

I'm a little over 2 hours in now, and still feeling pretty good. I don't know if there was anything specific that was ramping up my anxiety, not that's changed I guess. My supervisor asked last night if I felt a little better knowing I have options, and I guess I do. It's nice knowing that I now have the paperwork for medical leave, and I'll be able to use it if I want. I've had so many bosses in the past who hated people being off because they were sick, so taking so much time lately has made me a little nervous.

I used to think something like ambien would just be horrible to take, but I'm so glad now that I have it. My sleep was becoming so disrupted all the time, and I was taking 10-20mg of melatonin and an otc sleep aid every night. I haven't been using either of those since getting the ambien, but I have been sleeping so well. Good enough that I haven't been moving much in my sleep, and my shoulder is so sore from sleeping on it the last like week!

It'll be nice when I get the energy back to get things done at home too! Lately work is all I can really handle, when I get home I'm just worn out. My bf has been helping out a lot though, with cooking and cleaning that I just can't get the motivation to start. If I don't end up using my medical leave I might just change my hours for a while, back to 5 days a week. Working 10 hours is a long time.

Finally, a little more good news. T just called, she has an opening tomorrow afternoon. I am feeling better today, the lorazepam is helping. I'm starting to feel a little anxiety creep back in, but it's been almost 5 hours since I took a pill. I'm waiting to see how things go in the next hour or so before I take another.

thats wonderful
sleep is important for these things... especially anxiety...
eating well is also good... try not to eat too much sweets if you have a sweet tooth...

im glad your T can see you, hopefully talking about whats been happening with someone like her will help process things ...

im not against ambien or anything, i've just always been nervous about any medications if it helps thats whats important

try to go with the flow, im just amazed that you are able to work with such anxiety, i can't hardly leave the house most of the time because of it

glad you have a good guy at home to help out too, i've seen some boyfriends/girlfriends treat their others badly because of these kind of hardships...

I'm glad she can see me too. I just need to make myself be completely honest with her about how things have been lately. I like to downplay my problems to pretend that I'm more OK than I really am. I don't like feeling like I need help. I felt bad after getting off the phone, because I have to rearrange a couple things in my schedule to make the appointment. But then I almost started crying, so I know that I need this.

Fixing my diet is the next challenge I have. I don't eat well at all. Don't have the energy to cook often, so we eat a lot of fast food and take-out. Plus lately I haven't felt well from all the anxiety, so I haven't been eating much period. And I sometimes get in these little stubborn spots where I feel mad at myself for whatever silly reason I have, and I'll stop eating to punish myself. My bf has picked up on that really quick though, he's getting in the habit of asking me when I get home at night if I've eaten yet, and if I haven't he will make me eat.

i always tend to downplay everything, but after all these years of going through different things i've come to terms that if i can get someone i trust to work with me, im going to be open about everything - that way we can face the problem together and hopefully they can help me work through it

it seems like you have a really good guy
try to let his love for you over come you - over power these things, it wont cure it but it might can help if you focus on that more when things get bumpy

i know a good girl would really help pull me through my rough times, and i would focus every ounce of energy i had on that love so i wouldnt have any energy left for the anxiety and depression

but i haven't had many relationships... fell in love 1 time but that was a sham and ended with nothing but stupid confusing pain from being manipulated

I really struggle with needing to be OK for everyone else. Even before I started working in this field, I gave everything I had to everyone around me and didn't bother taking much care of myself. It's even harder to do that now, but I still feel like I'm admitting a flaw or weakness by asking for help and admitting how bad I am.

It helps to have him in my life, even though I feel like a burden. It's hard for me to accept that he really does love me because I don't feel like I deserve it. This is the first good relationship I've had. There have been plenty of guys in the past who treated me like I was worthless,

i totally understand that... i do that too
i dont care so much about myself as much as i do others for some reason...
caring for others gives me a sense of purpose, being needed by others gives me sense of strength...

but its not a bad thing to accept that something is going on with us... i've been trying to come to terms with my own hardships... accepting is part of recovery i think...
its not really accepting that you are weak, or that you are less than.. is just that we struggle with these things that some people dont...

you are not weak... and you dont really have a flaw so to speak... even though it feels like it... its just something that we have to fight with...
it doesnt make you a bad person... you are a really cool person i think... it just happens that we struggle with these inner demons as i usually call them for lack of better terms....

if your boyfriend loves you and you guys are good together... and he wants to help you as much as he can... dont feel bad about it... if you guilt yourself then it will make things worse... you know?

its easy to feel like a burden.... but we just have to try the best we can... and as long as we are doing our best we shouldnt feel like a burden... and i know you are doing really well, with everything on your plate, going to work... getting out of bed... these small things are super accomplishments, you deserve to treat yourself for each small thing that you achieve, because its the small things that help us get to the bigger things... we have to start off with small steps before we can take bigger steps...

dont think about those douchbag jerks that treatedyou like that... they didnt know what they had, clearly your bf now does know how beautiful of a person you really are, and he wants to help you see it too

I find it kind of funny that I have such a hard time coming to terms with my own problems, considering my line of work. But I haven't had a depressive episode this bad since my first, in high school. Ever since I've felt like I've been able to handle it on my own, but really I just smothered it in drugs and alcohol. When I started therapy last year I never thought this was where I was heading.

Guilting myself about things is one issue I'm struggling with right now, and I've brought it up to t as well. Because of my past I do feel a lot of anxiety over the possibility of bf leaving me, but then despite my worries I still pile all of my problems onto him, or so it feels, and feel like I'm pushing him away. That came up in the little spat we had a couple weeks ago, and the rest of the morning all I could think was that I screwed up and pushed him away finally. It's getting better though, and it helps that he has experience with depression too, so he understands what I'm going through.

I've had a lot of false friends in the past, who really didn't care about me and didn't want to hear any of my problems, so I eventually learned to just keep everything to myself. It makes it hard to open up to people now, because I'm afraid they really don't care about my stuff. It's slowely getting easier.

anyone can have these problems ya know.. doesnt matter if you are jesus himself so to speak
its just something that we are presented with.. we face it... and we have to learn to deal with it...

depression sucks, especially mdd when it keeps coming back.. all we can do is try to survive and not hurt the ones we care about when its happening...
of course we are going to slip up and we can say somethings that we dont mean from time to time... i know i have blacked out and done things completely out of character because of stress and stuff...
but we just have to be strong and hope that the ones close to us understand...
which it seems your bf really does understand, that is a really great thing...
support is such a great thing...

i have never really had many friends so i cant compare in that aspect... even today i dont really have any friends :/ but that doesnt bother me so much anymore.. its just the fact of having support, need atleast 1 person that can understand right?
no need to feel guilty about it... because he does understand
if i was in your position i would just spend all of my time off holding him/her as much as they would let me, just because...

everyone has little disputes from time to time.. just need to try to keep them from growing into big things, agree to disagree sometims...

no need to feel funny about your work, cause i think people like you are the best at this kind of job... if i was to come see you i would prefer that you actually know what you are talking about rather than have some young chick or dude trying to tell me why i shouldnt do this and why i should do that, just pisses me off when people dont understand
but you do understand and thats why you are good at it right?

it is hard to open up to people, in any time for any reason... we shouldnt open up for everyone, but the ones that we can open up to we shouldnt feel bad about it...
people can care about you genuinely....

im not making much sense cause i have had a few drinks...

I didn't mean that I shouldn't have these kinds of problems, just that it's funny I have such a hard time admitting that I need help. It's been almost hypocritical, while I'm here at work trying to help others through their problems and suggesting ways for them to feel better, I then go home to sit and cry and try to convince everyone (and myself) that I'm OK. I can commend my clients and coworkers, or anyone else in my life, for seeking help for problems, but privately I feel like I need to handle my own stuff on my own. But I guess that goes back to feeling like I don't deserve help, or caring.

only recently in these past few years have i kind of realized how messed up i am...
but i just try to tell myself that i can get better if i keep trying...
i was always the "strong" one too... but i guess when you try to be so strong for everyone for so long it takes a toll...
i just try to tell myself that these hardships dont make me less than... and that its ok to try to get help... i've helped everyone else my whole life, now i just need someone to help me a little... and i guess thats not a bad thing...
you do deserve it... sometimes we just need a little bit...
doesnt make you weak at all...

So, I just got back from my emergency session. I wrote a list in my journal last night of a few things I wanted to talk about, but we only got through one. I wanted to express my feelings of being unheard, but I chickened out. I don't know how to bring it up without sounding rude or childish or something. Maybe I'll just leave it on my list for next week, and I can bring it up as a more general issue, about being unheard by everyone. That might make it a little easier.

I just feel unsatisfied after my session today. I don't quite know why. It just doesn't seem like it helped anything. I already felt like I didn't need it going in, because I'm not really in crisis anymore. I don't know, I think I'm just trying to bury everything again.

I am just so frustrated tonight! I don't know why I can't just be OK with things. I feel better than I did last week, I can function again (mostly), so why do I feel so uneasy and stuck?!? I feel all this pent up energy in me tonight, and I can't focus on anything. I wish I was done with work so I could just go home, but I'm not. It's like I keep picking at this scab, and I just can't let it heal.

i know that feeling :/

i tend to get all weird anytime i start to feel a little better... almost like i prefer to feel bad so that i dont have to worry about losing the good feelings

i guess part of it is just not letting ourselves feel better..?

feeling stuck sucks... just gotta keep working on progress, even if its very little progress...
its easy to get frustrated, i struggle with that stuff too.. i dont really know how to make it any better

i would say just keep trying to talk to the therapist about these things, even if it seems like you arent getting anywhere, might be making more progress than you can realize at the moment...

I'm cranky today. Had to go to the clinic this morning for a field of vision test. One of my arthritis meds can damage my eyes, so I need to get them checked every year now. The nurses probably talked about what a ***** I am after I left. I just did not feel like engaging in small talk, and gave short, minimal answers to their questions about me. Oh well. Now I'm just frustrated because they had to dilate my eyes for part of the exam. I had to wear doubled sunglasses to get to work, even though it's super cloudy out. The only light in my office right now is from the computer screen and one window. I had to close the other blinds, otherwise it's too bright. I just can't wait for the drops to wear off. It's hard to see, and I need to do a lot of typing in the next 3 1/2 hours.

I'm out of energy today. I don't even want to be here. I wish I'd been able to sneak in like I did last month, then no one would know I was here. But everyone knows I'm here. Hopefully they take the closed door as I"m busy and leave me alone.